Let’s Discuss…About The Single Gay Nigerian
More and more young Nigerian gay men these days are proclaiming their determination to preserve their sexuality. More and more are maintaining that they’d rather stay eternally single than bow to the pressure of getting married to women. Some are carrying on with relationships, loving the men in their lives, and have no intention of attaching an expiry date on their relationships simply because one day, “we’ll all get married.” Several entries ago, Dennis Macaulay even mentioned an acquiantance of his who has been living right here in Nigeria and carrying on for years with a live-in lover (even though the lover is a Westerner).
In the face of the country’s fierce homophobiia, it would seem the desired effect of having the Nigerian LGBT behave according to societal norms is backfiring, and instead there are manufactured a crop of gay Nigerians determined to live their truths.
But society will always be what it is, and men like these are like the quintessential Nigerian female. The older she gets and the further unmarried she remains, the more eyebrows are lifted and wagging tongues probe.
And it is for this reason that a KDian recently reached out with questions. He’s young, has a good job, and is avowed to never marry a woman. He also hopes to get into a longlasting relationship. But he has concerns: how do you survive as a perpetually single gay man or as one in a gay relationship? How do you manage to maintain your life away from the scrutiny of the public? How do you manage to stay a couple, living together away from the public’s nosiness?
“My question is directed more at those middle class gay folks who can’t afford to live in one of those ‘mind your business’ estates. I ask this because someone mentioned it in the passing that he knows some folks living like that in Nigeria – gay couples, live-in lovers.
“Whatever answers are proffered here could greatly help those of us who unfortunately cannot afford to leave the shores of Nigeria and arent planning on going down the straight married route.”
Well, do kindly share your thoughts, guys, as what you say can help direct someone’s life.
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26 Comments
Bobby
March 24, 07:43Well. I dont have it down to a science. Buh this is what works for me.
1) mind ur own business.. no borrowing of whatsoever from neighbors, no attending Mama chidubem’s sons’s birthday. No pluging ur phone anywia when ders power failure. No coming out when ders compound quarrel. Let it start at “good” and end at “morning “..dont even smile while ur at it. No talking about how heavy the rain that fell last night was either. When u mind ur business, neighbours tend to mind their. You will know u have achieved the “BusinessMinded status” when ur neighbour have a church program and dey dont invite u.
2) Be ready to snap. This one is for those exceptional neighbours dat if u dont carry urself to them they will bring dia aproko to u. If the “sorry am busy” excuse doesnt work, just snap.
3)develope a thick skin. They will always talk. Master the act of not caring.
4) try as much as u can to be d self sufficient neighbour. Dont expect anyone to pack ur clothes for u if its about to rain and ur not home. Either u leave it to get wet or take it in and bring it out when u get home.
5) last but not the least. Respect urself. Respect is reciprocal..abi?
Pink Panther
March 24, 07:54???????
This. Is. Me!
Francis
March 24, 14:37?????? If my neighbors jam you, them go know say i dey try with them sef. Thanks for the contribution
UC TheMisfit
March 24, 17:51FadaLawd! I just met my twin! My neighbour doesn’t even know my name.
“Let it start at ‘good’ and end at ‘morning’.”
These are words to live by, and it has gotten me through the whole nosy-neighbour thingy so far.
My people, my people, take ALL the suggestions above to hear, for they are words of wisdom!
Simba
March 24, 08:09Bobby words are golden, but mine experience is different. Plan to live in a secluded area, cus I know some not so good neighborhood will stand by ur Windows to hear ur sex moaning lol. Tint ur cars and get a permit, maintain a respectful distance with ur estate or neighborhood securities but always tip them. Never owe anybody and always host folks of ur class in ur crib cus most guys who have nothing to lose can mess ur style up. Lastly, date someone who shares same vision with you and ready to make a life/family with you.
Francis
March 24, 14:38The fear of people with nothing to lose is the beginning of wisdom ???
Mandy
March 24, 08:22If you plan on being eternally single, try to be careful with your hoeing. Especially when we now have gay fucktards who will come to your place and kito you. Your neighbours will surely be buzzing with gossip about you, but if your life is in so much order, they won’t ever dare to bring their tatafo close to you.
If you’re going to be in a gay relationship as live-in lovers, do as Bobby says. And never ever live in a face-me-i-face-you with your lover.
Nuel
March 24, 09:54I think being a single parent can help curb the gossip tho….
Khaleesi
March 24, 10:48This is a very tough one, but its one that every gay man who is of age 25 and above should seriously think about. Bobby, Simba and Mandy all have great suggestions to which i’ll add my 2 cents …
Nigerians love to gossip (i guess it distracts them from the horrors of their daily existence) and rarely respect boundaries both at home and in the workplace, be vigilant with your privacy, set your boundaries and enforce them rigidly however, be careful to strike a delicate balance so you’re not sidelined in office/business politics and maybe denied opportunities.
Strive to build a vibrant career or business, throw yourself into it and work hard to keep it up and running.
If you want/can, have a child via surrogacy/IVF … in a weird way, this lessens the gossip; am not sure why or how but it just does.
If you can flee the shores of Nigeria, do it! but remember this also takes a lot of planning, considerable finances and “the abroad” isn’t exactly a bed of roses as you’ll frequently have to start life afresh (education, job, contacts, networking etc) and depending on where you go, you might have lingering difficulties adjusting to a new culture/way of life, separation from cherished family/friends.
Its never an easy path, but we MUST be strong and remain vigilant even while others doze and coast through life; this is your cross and you MUST bear it bravely – future generations of gay Nigerians might very well benefit from your actions today.
Dickson' clement
March 24, 11:33I think being successful eliminates some of these so called ‘live-up-to-it’ lifestyle. By ‘IT’ I mean marriage. I know one of my best college professors, who is single and stylish. Not effeminate though, but very classy. People don’t talk about him being unmarried and I do wonder why?
Some of us will genuinely want to see other copies of our DNA, and for that you may need to break bounds and do the needful.
Either by putting a ring to it, or by putting a dick to it, or if you have the money, by test tubes.
I have had my own fair share being outed to the family at the age of 15′, my mother was extremely supportive because to her, all that mattered is achievements and being integrated into the larger society. And on my issue, she had a major disagreement with my father. While my dad made our home a living hell for me with the help of my two elder sisters, my brother and my mom were divine.
Its ten solid years down the line and my moms theory is winning because of my two sisters, I have had more prospects. And these days and in these economy, everybody is bothered about who is getting what and who is moving ahead. So the other thing left is being integrated into the larger society.
If getting married to a woman, completes that cycle, by all means get married.
Living an isolated life, might be an unhappy life too.
i know some married gaymen that never knew they could love a woman too until they met their wives, or their children. Its not so terrible as people paint it.
So if you are going to remain single, by all means adopt a child or get a surrogate, however you do it. A single father is better tolerated in this society than a single unmarried man!
I don’t even know if my assertions are valid to myself but one thing I’m sure of…you don’t need to explain yourself to anybody once you pay your own bills.
Pink Panther
March 24, 13:31I think you’ve largely missed the point of his query.
Michael
March 24, 12:34In the end , this boils down to being rich. You need money to not live in a face-me-i-face-you neighborhood. You need cash to not borrow anything from mama Ada. Being successful is the key. For without it, well, its harder to mind your business.
Pink Panther
March 24, 13:33Being successful and being rich are two very different circumstances.
And he was specifically asking for the sake of those who aren’t rich.
Vhar.
March 24, 13:17If you truly want to be respected BY YOURSELF for the decisions you make, you must prove to YOURSELF that you can survive alone – Single, single-parent or not.
Because I don’t think fireflies have friends, they strike me as singular bugs. They probably travel in packs, I guess, because when you see one, usually you’ll see others. but they’re never flocking together, like gnats or hornets. They’re individuals. They’re independent. They’re okay by themselves. That and their butts glow green. And that’s just cool – being single is cool. Not wanting to get married is also cool. Not everyone wants to have kids. If you decide to stay single while being a single parent, people will still assume, suggest and talk. It’s advisable to be OKAY BY YOURSELF, BE CONTENTED. Being rich doesn’t cure people’s nosiness. Yes, it’ll buy you your solitude and privacy but it’ll never cure the nosiness.
Understand that being single is a choice, just like living together with a partner. I wouldn’t advice anyone being a loner though. Relate with people, neighbours etc… but let there be a limit. Create a glass wall – See what is going on while they see you also. Because building an impenetrable wall has its disadvantages. I came out to my three flatmates yesterday… It’ll never give them the right to talk about my sexuality just because I came out to them. They know where the line is drawn. Be like water. Slip through fingers but still hold up a ship.
Pink Panther
March 24, 13:36This is such a Vhar-like comment. ??
Canis VY Majoris
March 24, 14:33All the suggestions are valid, just pick the one you can live with. For me, it’s getting a beard and raising a child together. So it’ll either be 2 moms and a dad, 2 dads and a mom or 2 moms and 2 dads for our child (preferably female).
Sounds like fun either way, and yeah minding your business, also making sure others mind theirs as well.
Dickson' clement
March 24, 14:38I just gave my general overview after reading the write up, I wasn’t answering the question.
Is there really an answer to that question?
No, no, and no again.
Its chaos!
You are living a commoners life, you have no buoyancy, then trust me the community will pressurise you to conform to the societal values.
Nothing will make it easy or easier.
In fact once you secure a job, your co-worker will be popping the question – when are you getting married or who is your girlfriend.
You can isolate yourself from your neighbours but you won’t be taken as a fully responsible man when you are ripe for marriage and you are still single.
Societal acceptance is part of human need…
If not there won’t be any need for the sexuality awareness and movement.
So, you are a normal middle class citizen, and you are a gayman who wants to remain single, then you need an extra skin to weather the storm because it is a storm.
A single homophobe who has a strong voice in the street or neighbourhood can unseat you in your neighbourhood or workplace.
In building that thick skin, you will need the help of other gaymen, and if you are lucky to build a strong network of successful gaymen from ground up, your life may be easier.
Unless the story changes soon, there is no escape from that war called marriage.
Pink Panther
March 24, 15:08No escape from the war called marriage? Lol. That’s not only such a pessimistic outlook, but an underestimation of a gay man’s determination to not live a lie. I happen to be one man who has no intention of marrying a woman. Don’t even know how I can stand the idea let alone actually doing it. And let me tell you something, whether the ‘story’ changes or not, that’s the path I intend to stick too. Don’t project on other gay men please. If you see yourself as someone who’ll eventually succumb to the pressure of marriage, remember not everyone has the same circumstances as you do.
Francis
March 24, 15:31Gad go soon enter offer support
Francis
March 24, 14:42Is anyone of us in a long term relationship and living together? How una dey manage?
bain
March 24, 18:03When you find the man that you love,and loves you just as much,things will fall in place.
live together more like brothers than lovers,you can be romantic,but don’t overdo,people will see you both more like best friends or brothers,amebo no go too Much.
Plan together, staying secluded isn’t the best.If there’s anything I’ve learnt from reading “our stories” here, its,good friends help in tremendous ways,especially when they support your relationship, they would always jump in to save you in times of difficulty, so good friends.
Personally,I’m never getting married,I have my reasons,its probably not what you think.But if you feel marriage will strengthen your relationship, go for it.If you want everlasting headaches called kids,go for it.Life is too short to not want to have the best experience.
Gaya
March 25, 13:11I already told my Mom not to expect any grandchild from me and she was like “so i nor go carry your own? ” and my response was…. my other siblings are providing enough grandchildren already so stop looking up to mine. Then she was quiet. as for marriage, weda rich or poor… I just kaiint!!!
FJ
March 26, 16:38Can i av an access to pink panther?..got some mgm life experience to share
Pink Panther
March 26, 18:13Send your story to pantherptb@yahoo.com
FJ
March 26, 18:50Okay. Thanks
peach head
March 27, 08:03How are kids head aches biko?i swear down i love them so much and i really look forward to raising…**cute little things