LOOK BEFORE YOU NEVER LEAP
It was supposed to be one of those meet-ups you have with your friends, where you talk about everything and everyone you know. I don’t know how it happened, but somehow, the discussion came around to me, and I had the phrase “commitment-phobe” fired at me like bullets at some convicted felon. My attempts to plead my case and refute their diagnosis felt like draining the River Niger with a tea spoon. I laughed the censure off like I would any negative comment, but there was this niggling feeling that left a dark cloud over me even after the meet ended and we headed our separate ways.
I spent the following days doing a mental replay of our conversation and realized that this was not the first time that I would be accused of dreading a relationship or bailing out when things started getting serious. A quick assessment of my personal life revealed some ugly truths that were enough to trigger my depressive state.
One day, I was in this state and indulging my very odd behavior of stripping down to my boxers, then lying in the dark and thinking. And at this point, I stumbled on an old but repressed memory.
*
I was seventeen and fresh out of secondary school. He was twenty-three, John by name, a diploma student of UNILAG, studying English Language. We met when my curiosity led me to an online dating site. We exchanged email addresses, and remained online acquaintances for about three months, before he decided to come out to see me, since every attempt to get me to come see him at his place in Mafoluku failed.
He wanted sex. I wanted answers. It took one toe-curling and lip-tingling kiss to make me want him as my boyfriend, but he wanted sex. After five months of waiting on me to come around, he said he was done and couldn’t see me anymore. Just like that, no warning or anything beforehand. It just ended.
I didn’t realize that I felt something for John until it ended. I struggled to get him back, sent series of mails that got no reply, made calls that were never answered, sent texts that were never acknowledged. Two months passed before I got a feedback. John wanted me to forget him, get over him. He said I was too young, had no independence and barely went out (‘Omo get inside’ that I was). And so there was no way things would work between us. As if that was not enough crushing, he wrote that he could link me to one of his friends, if I was that in dire need of a boyfriend.
I went cold in that instant. How could I pour my heart out to someone, and all he had to offer in return was rejection and a suggestion of transfer to someone else (something I would later find out is a common practice among gay men). I felt worthless, insignificant, small. The devastation that roiled inside me however broke whatever spell that had me pining for John.
A few months after getting that gut-wrenching email, I got admission into LASU. Then the thought of “what could have been” filled my head. I thought if only John could see me now: I was a university student and had attained some degree of freedom to see and spend time with him. Then I began thinking of how I could orchestrate my running into him so it would seem like chance, and not the desperate act of a lovelorn teenager.
Then I realized I was in the wrong school. John was in Unilag. So I thought to myself, if I could get into Unilag, then life would be one big ball of awesomeness. John and I would meet and just pick up from where we left off.
Long story short, in my quest to find and reconnect with john, I went to three different higher institutions, went through three different academic courses, and then ended up with a course that was alien to me. Eventually I graduated nine years after I met and set out to find John; six of those years was the time it took me to COMPLETELY get over him.
I swore off boys thereafter. I promised myself that NO HUMAN BEING would ever be allowed the power to make me feel small and insignificant, or cause labefaction in my life EVER again. I filed my experience away as a case of when curiosity killed the cat, and forged on. I dated girls. None of the relationships lasted. There was always this feeling of suffocation I felt whenever things started getting serious; I would go into panic mode when I started getting emotionally attached, and would go into full blown emotional hysteria, complete with anxiety attacks, whenever my girlfriends started dropping hints or asking for invites to meet family. My heterosexual friends blamed my inability to keep a relationship on my lack of forbearance and my short-fused nature. True that may be. But I equally told myself that it was because I have a thing for men, so I never really stewed over the matter.
Fast forward to 2015, a year had passed since I made the conscious effort toward embracing my sexuality. In that time, a number of good men had had the presence of mind to pop the “will you be my boyfriend” question. And every time I got asked, it would happen. It would start with the feeling of elation, daydreaming and just painting scenarios in my head of how great it would be. Then out of nowhere, a gradual decrescendo and dizziness would follow. It was always almost like a switch was flipped.
Then the rush of self doubt and questions would start flooding in. What if I fall in love with him and one day he just pulls the rug from under my feet by ending things when I least expect it? Will I make him happy? Will I make the same mistake his ex(s) made and hurt him even more? What if he gets bored one day, walks out and leaves me hanging? What if I’m the one who gets bored? How long will we be together? What if we have a nasty break up? What if I damage him forever? What if we never recover from the mess? There were just too many ‘what ifs’.
In the wake of the questions came a mental assessment of how well we communicated, how much I felt about the person and our chemistry. And then, I would unconsciously switch to finding flaws in the person, to justify why things wouldn’t work; things like – has he really bothered to know me as a person? Does he remember the little information I share with him? Do we still communicate and is he still into me after sex the way he was before?
All this turbulence roiling inside me made for a very torturous process. And somehow, I always emerged with the “you know I’m not good/you deserve better” speech, and then fall into deep depression afterward – the depression that came from the feeling of guilt over hurting someone, or the feeling that I’d lost something that might have turned out beautifully.
My discontent with my emotional state led me to inquire into how and why I couldn’t get myself to commit to someone, regardless of how much I feel about them, without drowning myself in the things that may or may not happen. In my pursuit for answers, I figured out the following as the causes: the fear of having the relationship end without noticing the signs; the fear of not being in the “right” relationship; the fear of finding myself in an unhealthy relationship, one characterized by abandonment, infidelity, emotional abuse; trust issues because of past hurts by those close to the potential boyfriend; childhood trauma or abuse; unmet childhood needs or attachment issues; complicated family dynamics…
My baggage was real and heavy, I realized. When people have failed you one too many times, you can’t help but live in fear. I never knew or allowed myself to admit that my experience with John left me badly scarred. Add to that the yearning for love and acceptance from a member of my family (which at this point, I have completely ruled out) makes it excruciatingly difficult to emotionally depend on anyone. And a relationship (in the true sense of the word, not the joke you see around) means allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable enough to let someone in, trusting them with your secrets, dreams, hope and soon after, love.
Yes. Love! The one thing I dread more than being in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I would totally give anything to fall helplessly and hopelessly in love, without a blip to second-guess its authenticity, to be in a relationship and ride the storm that comes with it and see where it leads, particularly now when people who seem like they are worth making the change and effort for are finding their way into my life. But the fear of being broken and abandoned is far too great. The hunger to remain in control is too stiff to be ignored. Being in control gives me the power to decide who hurts me and how I get hurt; I have always told people that I would rather rip my heart out myself than give someone the satisfaction of doing it for me.
It’s funny how some people would be quick to say things like, “Heal and move on.” It’s quite easy to rationalize other people’s emotions when you don’t know what it feels like or understand the depth of such feelings. It’s easy to say, “It’s all in the past, get over it… It’s all in your head, move on…” and all that sugar talk laced with a bit of tough love to create a tasty bowl of motivational juice. But matters of the heart vary from person to person and the springboard of recovery not as elastic for everyone. In the wake of some hurts, you don’t bounce back to vitality, ready to move on to the next. No. Instead, you learn to be wary of who will bring the next emotional assault. You learn to wall it all in. You learn to wear a mask all the time so they don’t see how truly emotionally weak you are, because people are designed to prey on emotions. The mask becomes your shield. It minimizes the impact of the pain. It keeps you safe. It becomes you.
However, I am at a place where I am asking myself how long I will continue to inflict mental and emotional pain on myself, how long I will watch others have a life while I sit on the sideline and wish I was me living their lives, how long I will keep deluding myself that everything I have done so far is for the best. I call it common sense, being practical, playing the odds, but there are times when a glimmer of reality stares me in the face and I realize it really is – FEAR.
It has been a tough road, but I am consciously making efforts to find my way out of this maze. I don’t know how long it will take or if I have the strength to follow through, but I am trying. So far, I have summoned enough courage to admit to myself that I have a problem, and to will myself on the road to recovery.
Written by Peak
About author
You might also like
After The Fire Comes My Cry For Help
On the 21st of April, 2021, I got up from an afternoon nap and decided to boil some rice for my dinner. I had a small 6kg cylinder, which was
THE VALLEY OF SHADOW OF DEATH
Some people were born with a silver spoon, some others with a rubber spoon. Unfortunately, I came around the time when all the spoons were exhausted. All my years growing
MY HOMOSEXUAL JOURNEY
I was your typical born-again teenager. Pious looking. Academic. I didn’t speak to girls if I could help it. I simply loved the Lord! I went to a Christian secondary
70 Comments
Mandy
October 08, 06:10Wow.
Just wow.
Peak, you need a vacation from your head more often than ever.
Danish
October 08, 06:11Well the best way to overcome your fears is to face them squarely. Though it’s easier said than done Getting into a relationship and trying your possible best not to think about how the other person might hurt you, is what you should do.
Mitch
October 08, 06:44Peak darling, you need to take a vacation from thinking. Rationality is great but spontaneity makes life worth the while. Stop over-rationalizing things. You’ll only end up hurting yourself and ensuring that you don’t live life at all. (See me giving advice that I need like madt na). And no matter what, understand that some of us love you, quirks and all.
Dare Alexander
July 04, 17:57It’s the ways I relate to this story despite our different yet similar experiences that astounds me
Peak, you have made the best decision to know there’s a problem.
I hope it gets better for us all.
I literally dash off once I hear relationship.
God abeg 😫🤧
Mandy
October 08, 06:47But that your first sexual experience though…the thing with John. Talk about a fatal attraction. This first love was a very powerful one. Hopefully John is reading this and knowing the effect he had on and ruination he brought to somebody’s life.
#Chestnut
October 08, 07:06Wait,Peak, nine years,jumping from skool to skool,looking for John? I didn’t even think it was that serious! Mehn,when u love,u LOOOVE! Anyways,u were a naïve lil’ kid then sha…
Peak
October 08, 13:50Emmm you would probably laugh at this but I’m sure there are ppl who have though so for a very long time too. At the time, I though John was the one of the few gay men in Lagos. The weird part is up until early last year, I though and assumed the gay population in Lagos wasn’t even up to a 100, I mentioned this 2 a guy in a gathering and he practical laughed me into a corner. Don’t ask me why I had such a preposterous idea, just think VISIBILITY. A lot of ppl still don’t believe there are gay Nigerian.
papasmurf
October 08, 07:19Dear Peak,
I understand what u’re going thru, for I went thru. D same thing, and I’m still afraid of my own head. Too many tots running a mile a minute.
The truth is dat love hurts. If it doesn’t, then it aint love. But then wen all is said and done, its only a tiny minute piece of ur heart dat gets broken, and the rest of it is still capable of sooo much love, trust and joy.
And then you’ll find som1 someday who will love u soo hard, that it’ll feel like he’s picked up all the tiny broken nd scattered pieces nd put u back 2geda again.
And one more thing my darling…. NO MORE WHAT IF’s…. They’ll kill u.
poshyydude
October 08, 07:51peak you tell my real life story well not missing a bit and here am stuck doing 300l for the third time where I pay over half a million naira every session and God it still hurt AF am still at that crossroads every time my guys wants to get serious I do d sex and leave
KingBey
October 09, 05:26Please stop wasting your parents money. Over half a million per semester is about over 3 million for the third year you have repeated three times. Na joke o but seriously, your comment though. I can’t deal.
Brian Collins
October 08, 07:57Wow Peak, my first love may have ruined me but it comes no way near the effect this guy had/has on you. You gats to get help and i don’t say this with malice. You really may need to see a psychiatrist. I do hope you get better.
Dennis Macaulay
October 08, 07:59Sometimes I look at me and I cannot recognise myself because different people have chipped away parts of me.
I have been bruised too, battered somewhat and I also do not pretend not to know that I have hurt other people.
I think the trick is to find a way to keep moving forward, not because it’s easy but because it’s the only way.
I hope it gets better!
Pink Panther
October 08, 08:13My my my, Dennis is incredibly understanding on this issue today. The one that whispers fiercely in my ear is much less patient with such matters of moving on. 😀
Dennis Macaulay
October 08, 08:44Shurrup! I am human too
Max
October 08, 10:11I know I’ve hurt people, but about 95% of them are people who hurt me, so its just payback. The other 5% are unreciprocated love/lust/infatuation. And I’ll never lead anyone on, if its not working or if I don’t like you, I say it right away.
And also I don’t want people just for sex, I always want something more. That eliminates the trap of having sex with people and throwing them away the next day.
And that’s why I stay off casual hookups because sex means a lot to me.. If I even agree to kiss you, you’re a potential bae or one already.
Peak
October 08, 13:54@Dennis, I’m particularly concerned about getting chipped to the point of no recognition, thats the more reason why I’m mindful of who I get involved with. You meet guys and everything in their eyes is dead except lust and the need to see what u look and feel like without ur clothes.
Duke (formerly Ace)
October 08, 08:19These thoughts were the highlight of my gay life. I am a very emotional person especially when we connect mentally and physically. The thought of giving myself totally to someone and the person decides not to reciprocate that deep feeling I have for them scares me shitless.
These days I don’t care. This endless thinking may make you miss a chance in the present while you are busy thinking of the past and future. Me, I’ll just keep having great sex and move on till I find “Mr. Right” (what ever that means)
JOJOARMANI
October 08, 08:25this is good!… Peak that was awesome… I have been wondering what made me not to beleive in love; you know when i meet a new guy and he starts prophesing love i see it as poppycock; i just keep laughing till the dude thinks am making fun of him and get pissed. Sha but now am hoping to soften up my heart and give chance for love.
Dennis Macaulay
October 08, 08:52Ndi KD sha, everybody was damaged by their first boyfriend!
Oh chimooo
Mitch
October 08, 11:44Irriz norray small sometin. Everyone was damaged. No one did any damaging! Puh-leeze *rme*
ambivalentone
October 08, 15:09Yes o. Yours truly was ‘damaged’ anally so much so I was traumatised for two years…where the fuck do all these short Igbo men get their pricks? Anyways, I ignored his calls and the gay date scene for two years before I sent my feelers out again
Brian Collins
October 08, 15:45And i’m sure they did more than feel after that.
KingBey
October 09, 05:30Ike gwuru ! ???
KryxxX
October 08, 09:07#NP When a woman loves(She loves for real) – R-kelly.
My Story………… My Song…………
Sinnex
October 08, 09:37I fear that I would end up hurting people very soon.
Is there anything like love? Or am I looking in the wrong places? Or maybe it is the kind of guys I like.
I have felt real love only once and it was for a straight guy who fortunately for me is no longer in the country.
No matter what I have gone through, I don’t think my case is as bad as yours.
That’s why I don’t blame guys who use and dump others because you don’t know what they have gone through.
Max
October 08, 10:15No matter how you were treated by someone, it doesn’t give you the right to do the same to someone else. Instead find the bitch that hurt you and jabb him, that way you’ll feel much better.
And as long as you keep loving those thugs and straightmen, you can kiss that love goodbye forever.
Peak
October 08, 14:05Lol @Sinnex (aka Mr “Na wa ooo”) I made the decistion to write this piece after reading ur disturbing yet ridiculously funny but raw piece about FEARS.
If you think my case is worse, then you are playing a game of “I better pass you”. Trust me, I’m completely far and different from the guy in the story. I’m pretty solid and confident if u run into me in the street. Thsi is me taking the mask off, stripping and allowing some tbings hang out. You made it Ok to poke holes at being painfully naive and insecure. There is no shame in confidently admitting you have flaws. Thats Is what I have learned here amidst all the chaos and brouhaha that goes along with me. So guy! Your case nl bad as mine is all in ur head bruh.
posh6666
October 08, 09:39After my 1st real date that lasted for few mnths which my so called frnds back then actually set me up with d guy and brokeup,of which i was actually not cheating on him with a proffessor in my skul but they made it look like that,i was so shattered for a long time the worst part is he actually started dating another so called frnd of mine.My God i really made mistakes growingup befriending full blown bitches tho as karma will have it he dumped the bitch too within months and actually wanted to start dating another of the guys friend karma right lol?and when i asked the bitch he actually had d nerve to tell me that can i imagine the guy left him for a friend of his that was after he formally came to apologise to me.Long story short since then i became damaged cos that was the 1st time in my life that i was so dedicated and faithful,loving him with all my heart i was used to the sugar daddy/alhaji kinda situation well the 1st guy that disvirgined me was my big poppa lmaoo so i got used to that.So after that nasty breakup i reverted back to old ways and enjoyed the numerous benefits that came with it never looking back again like who has time to be all lovey dovey bullshit! oh God uni days was fun!!!! MEMOIRS☺
Vhar.
October 08, 09:42I believe without a deep desire for commitment, you cannot have depth in anything, whether it’s a relationship, a business or a hobby.
If we commit ourselves to one person, job or an act however little the period, this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather, it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession but participation.
I said to someone recently – Let my Hands feel like all the places you call home.
Let these hands pull your baggages, off your shoulders.
Let them rub your fears away.
Let them be with you when you need them the littlest and with you all the time.
But most importantly, let them be a home.
You have yielded to having a problem.
And from your comments in the past, I garnered you’re a deep thinker, which is a good thing.
But matters of this thing called – The Heart – requires 0.0001 thinking. As it never listens to the head.
If you don’t want to be on the sidelines anymore and you want to let go of your fear (which you already know), you simple have to take a step in the direction of what you feel/know is right.
Now what’s your next step going to be?
Are you ready to take it?
Penning it down doesn’t mean you are.
You’ve only acknowledged it by attestation.
Tiercel de Claron
October 08, 09:50Bless you,Vhar.
You said it all.
@Peak,what’s your next step going to be?.
More importantly,you ready and willing to take that step?
Eros
October 08, 11:22Hmmmmmmm
Peak
October 08, 13:40@Vhar, going by this analogy “If we commit ourselves to one person, job or an act however little the period, this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather, it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession but participation.” I was moved to agree with u COMPLETELY, but the phase “however little period”, is just too distracting to do so.
Committing means giving ur ALL, and my ALL is closely tied to time 4 me. 9 years of my life was altered. Mentally, emotionally, educationally, career wise etc I think it’s perfectly rational to think b4 taking a jump. The only difference is that I tend to over rationalise things instead of going with the flow.
Now what’s your next step going to be? Are you ready to take it?” Emmm about this emm emm…….Lol
I swear I took a sit on the sideline right next 2 Francis a while back. Yes! I’m embarrassed to say it but I took a punch and just couldn’t soldier on. I just felt it’s best I take a sit, evaluate and see things from a different angle. In all honesty, it is the best decision I have ever made in my emotional life (……I think).
I am sort of evaluating things and seeing things from other perspectives. It has been an illuminating experience for me. Just so you know, this was written 4 months ago, and whoever wrote this and i are in a completely different place right now. I was tempted to call off the publication when I found out that it was going up after being delayed by KD’s programme and scheduling conflicts, but decided against it cos I remembered someone telling how I have always said the one thing that made me fall in love with KD in the beginning, was how raw, stripped down and unpretentious some stories can be, that they make u realise you are not alone, you are not hurting alone which makes the hurt and pain mpre bearable. So here we are.
I’m in no hurry to date or get involved with anyone right now. I’m happy in my personal space. I have friends who take whatever little void that most ppl think needs filling with a bae. Friends are bae and Yay at finally having gay friends. So I’m currently on the sideline, hoping to jumb back into traffic when I am good and ready. Jaded? Hell no, Bitter? Lol not in the least. I just have a snail reaction to things.
@TDC oga solicitor, hope I answer ur question?
Tiercel de Claron
October 08, 17:10You did.
I call you coward for taking the easy way out tho.
The Sideline,indeed.
Peak
October 08, 18:57Coward? Yeaaaahh! I’m in total agreement with you, but sometimes u just need to fall back, catch ur breath before getting back into the ring in preparation for another round of a beat down.
Jumping from one situation to the next has never been my thing.
I feel things a lil more intensely than the average being, and turning off my emotions is the fastest way to reach wholeness or removed from things happening around.
Tiercel de Claron
October 08, 19:46I didn’t mean for you to just jump in the ring for another beat down,but….just don’t let the fear win.
Peak
October 08, 20:04**sigh**
I swear I have like this awkward broad smile on my face. I don’t know what else to say.
It’s not as easy as you think. I think my survival instincts just kicks in everytime something goes wrong.
I can be very bree van de kamp with how I run my life, and that includes my personal life. I get really unsettled if things are out of place. Yeah I still need to put in more effort, but I think I’m seriously fine where I am. Relationship will happen when I’m ready 4 it, its just not going to be this year 4 sure.
Tiercel de Claron
October 09, 09:20Ah,don’t go be making predictions of things you ain’t in control of.
I was of the same mind as you,but a thousand-watt smile,a heartfelt,belly-deep laugh got hold of me.
Love,life has a way of catching one at unawares.
Jeova Sanctus Unus
October 08, 09:59Johnny leave him follow Cyprian, and him no know what to do.
And he talk talk say him no do am…like the way Cyprian dey do.
Johnny give Uche doggy. Talk say him wan boyfriend Dede.
Nwokem kedu ife na-eme.
Johnny o. Johnny o.
Peak is looking for his Johnny. His Johnny
Where is his Johnny?
Do you know Johnny? LASTMA! Ayakata.
Where is his Johnny? Johnny oo!
John from UniLag to UNEC, even to LASU
He almost jam kito…in Zaria.
If him no find this Johnny, nfenfe ga-eme. Eyi o
He looking like shit. He smelling like shit. He say him dey find Johnny.
He talking some shit. He writing some shit. Say him wan give Johnny.
Johnny give you ibongi. Wey sweet pass dEli.
You go Akoka, you go Makurdi, you still never see Johnny.
You go Sango Ota, you go Asaba, you still never find wetin you you dey seek.
From Surulere you go Ikeja, na wa, na wa, this one no follow.
Dis one na gobe. Ayakata!
Original gobe. See Peak see Bournvita eh!
(Repeat hook)
LOL. I’m sorry darling, I couldn’t resist. It was either this or something worse.
Love you too ???
Chizzie
October 08, 10:14wtf?
Peak
October 08, 13:41LMAO
I know where to arrange ur matter CUNTinue
Duke (formerly Ace)
October 08, 14:56Hahahahahahaha LMAO!
Brian Collins
October 08, 15:08Hehehehe, iyaf die.
Lothario
October 08, 18:10Oh dear! Lmao…. You’re obviously tight friends. Good luck with the music career.
JOJOARMANI
October 08, 10:04DM everybody wasnt damaged by their first bf biko.. Some never even had one
Max
October 08, 10:04I figured out who the writer was from the first paragraph.
Ih think I’m in the same mental state right now. Before now, I was never scared of trying out something new, something different, I was highly optimistic, but after few break ups, you realize the need to protect yourself.
I don’t believe anything that comes out of anyone’s mouth these days. I’ve gotten to that point in my life where I can’t take BS from anyone.
I’m a very straight forward person and don’t like playing games, so if I just smell “game” in you, its bye Felicia for you.
@Peak, in your own case, its something different, its not even about John and deep within you, you know. You can ping me for more details/clarification. You’ve not been heartbroken more than once, unlike me.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you you’re going to find the right one soon, I haven’t even found mine. I could tell you to give people a chance, but I don’t know if those people are actually worth it, so in the end, only you know what’s good for you.
Tiercel de Claron
October 08, 10:20Going by this,even you don’t know what’s good for you,as yet.
Max
October 08, 11:48You seriously have no chill
Tiercel de Claron
October 08, 11:59Never claimed to have any,Max.
While declaring the truce,I did promise to be frank with you.Brutally so,if need be.
Tiercel de Claron
October 08, 12:02Chill man,the days of the long knives are way over.
Chizzie
October 08, 10:13Wow Peak Milk this is deep. Don’t have anything to say except, you’ll be fine, and whenever you need a blowjob, just get my contact from PP.
Max
October 08, 10:19He’s already had a best bj.
Don’t think anyone can top that.
Pink Panther
October 08, 11:34Chizzie hasn’t tried, honey. Don’t be so cocky.
Brian Collins
October 08, 15:10Ewwww, this got digusting real fast.
Lothario
October 08, 18:13You know???
sensei
October 10, 14:14Hahaha! Oh dear!
Dennis Macaulay
October 08, 11:19Is “Damaged” the new buzz word?
#AskingForAFriend
Teflondon
October 08, 11:46Looks like what Sinnex could have written. it had Sinnex written all over it. who would have taught… Anyways i really don’t have any advice for you as we aren’t acquaintances. you are old enough to solve your issues, ill like to believe. you will be fine i guess!
But boy did that Johnny really mess you up! 9 Solid years of your Life?! Wow! for what really.. love? so far based on all have read and heard about love, guess aint missing much.
Khaleesi
October 08, 14:08Wow Peak, this came from a deep and dark place in your heart. From personal experience, i have also resolved never (again) to allow anyone be in control of my happiness. I place too high a premium on my emotional wellbeing to place it in the hands of any man. It may sound sad and lonely, but i still believe (judging from past experience);that this is the safest path for me … Now that you are ready to step out from your cocoon of fear; have an open mind and hope for the best; if it comes embrace and enjoy it, if it doesnt find joy and fulfilment from within yourself …
Peak
October 08, 15:50@PP Look Before you NEVER leap? Lol, like really? LMAO, I can’t deal
Pink Panther
October 08, 17:45Well, what can I say. Lol
Lothario
October 08, 18:14He really served you with that title…. #UltimateShade
Lothario
October 08, 18:19My dear Peak, the reverse is the case for me. I’m a true romantic and don’t allow my fears hold me back from being with someone; but I absolutely see where you’re coming from.
I hope that as you start this journey of overcoming your fears, it goes well for you. Don’t worry, there are still great guys out there who are willing to have you – warts and all. You’ll be fine!
Tiercel de Claron
October 08, 19:51@Peak,listen to this voice here.
Peak
October 08, 20:11@Lothario thanks bud.
@TDC Ore wa! Se ko si sha? Se dandan ni? Anugom biko zurunu ike now. Lol.
Seriously this piece happened months ago and the writer is almost unrecognisable to me. Yes I have taken all the Uhs and awwws inspired advice into advisement regardless. Thank you all **in my sarcasm laced voice**
Mario
October 08, 22:09@Peak everyone who reads ur story wld draw something to deir “first” love…yes we all do… having gone through my own share, here is wt I concluded2myself: “Mario be happy for U – regardless if d oda partner is unfaithful, undeserving or a leach (bcos truth is in every relationship deir is a motive;which wld b undisclosed; (we can’t deny dis fact: nd u wil b shocked if ppl can b honest2open up wif wt deir motive(s) are) and take a WALK the moment my happiness is threatened” #EndOfQuoteToSelf. @dis point of my life, I v come to terms wif d irony of “ppl u want dnt want u nd vice versa”-makes it easy for me to dig; grind & move! Hence, the need2take care of my #Heart and #Health from our small society where everyone wants2 “do” d next “happy” guy…or make d “unhappy” happy. Maybe it’s d fun, maybe sincerity/commitment is lost in d Pacific Ocean and mayb I am WRONG. If John had being with you, either of u wld make a mountain outa a mole just to get away from urselves(we do dt wen we want someone else(imagine meeting someone more well cultured wif good constructive English nd reasoning, nd mayb more independent; feel bored or chocked- YES!) Den comes d heartaches and bitterness den revenge and d circle continues (#WideGrin). @ALL; being friends works for me; friends wif benefits, hangout buddy, sleepovers; u name it. Relationships as a happy guy in dis part of our society comes wif SO much expectations and trust me, wif such expectations u get issues (u kw wt I mean)…cos in d end THEY always leave and wld never “marry” u. Marriage I guess beside oda reasons keeps couples @ check (bcos dey is a VOW in d presence of witnesses; LOVE furnished wif determination from both spouse and then God)…I disagree with you seeking for help as advised, I will rather u go bk to ur drawing board and redefine wt happiness means to u wifout fear…, I believe we are #Adults, c’mon let’s face d #Fact(s) deir wil b heartbreaks (#JoinMeInTheQuestForCupidHunt). I leave u wif dis quote “As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste.” Be #HappyForYou #CheersToYourHappyFuture
posh6666
October 09, 08:14Bros u really need to get it together and fix ur life!yes we gay but we still men just here wondering how a human being can make u fall in love so hard that u had to derail ur own life so extremely just cos of a man????are u sure this ur numerous repeat is actually cos of a man?or u are just naturallt dull?cos am reading this story again and am really irritated.Anyways u are not to blame if ur parents had dumped ur ass along the way and told u to go learn a trade maybe that will be a wakeup call,cos i find it hard to believe sum1 can ruin his own life to such extent and be so selfish wasting his parents money.Most ladies sef will never ever be so weak and women are referred to as the weaker sex,no excuse whatsoever!
Santa Diaba
October 09, 12:58Oshey tough guy. Hard guy. The hardest of them all. ????
Santa Diaba
October 09, 13:06The first love is the most powerful. I guess that’s why when it ends (as all things do), it leaves a lasting impression, good or bad.
My first love didn’t “scar” me. To use the word scar would be giving him too much power. The cad.
But I was changed by my time with him. I haven’t been “chipped away”, no. But I’m wiser, tougher, stronger. My eyes are wide open now.
I will find love, when I am ready. I’m not ready now. You are ready Peak, so go out there and find it. Don’t overthink. The one that will stay will come.
Ps, I thought you were engaged? If there is an owambe opportunity please let me know. ?
Pink Panther
October 09, 13:47*singing* The first cut is the deepest
Baby, I know
The first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to bein’ lucky, he’s cursed
When it comes to lovin’ me, he’s worst.
Dickson Clement
October 09, 21:45I am touched by this piece, honestly I had similar experience. Mine actually led into focusing on academics with higher intensity and forgetting about love or dating. I won’t say I was happy but the results I got was worth it.