The Cinderella Complex

The Cinderella Complex

On many occasions I have wanted to write an article for this blog. Sometimes I start and in the middle of it, I stop. Other times I am unable to start anything, and some other times I actually finish. I have had various things to put down which I eventually burned (maybe as a result of things I would rather not delve into YET). I am still trying to find my path one step at a time because I have realized that the best way to let go of memories is to either talk to someone about it or write it down somewhere.

I have been an avid reader of this blog since it was introduced on WordPress, and I must confess that Pink Panther is one determined person; the world he has created here is a place where anyone and everyone can feel comfortable and air opinions. I used to know him personally, though we never had the opportunity of meeting one-on-one, but to an extent, I consider him a dear friend. He asked me on several occasions to write an article and submit, but I just couldn’t at that time. (This I will in time clear up with him)

I am a psychology major and I have recently come across something that has helped me understand well the journey I have been on the past few years. It is called THE CINDERELLA COMPLEX by Colette Dowling. This theory focuses mostly on the concept of women’s emotional, financial and a wide range of dependency on men, and to an extent, I can relate to this.

Let’s forget the gender thing here and focus on the truth that we all or some of us know. I’m sorry if I am about to get stereotypical, but this problem is common with Bottoms in the gay community; it doesn’t mean Tops don’t suffer it too. Basically because at one point or the other, one might have gone through series of trying times in failed relationships, whether sexual or not, only to come out feeling the need or want to be pampered and all (Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be pampered or treated like you mean the word to someone). Attention from a loved one makes you feel special, gives you a sense of completeness. You are always seeking for approval to give you a sense of self-worth. Some of my friends would always say, ‘Why not generate it internally?’ (Sounds easy, but it’s not). A lot of people in the gayborhood experience this; it’s a feeling that doesn’t easily go away. It sits there and eats you deep slowly.

I won’t try to make up excuses knowing that I am guilty of this. I have had my fair share of powerlessness in relationships, I have dated quite a number of guys and they had it all, but there always seemed to be something missing. At the onset of the relationship, they always seemed to say the right things, call at the right time, give the best attention (I would love to call this the honeymoon phase). And then, suddenly they would start to act strange or slowly start to reduce their attention with excuses that work and all had them choked. But let me ask a question: Were you not working when you were chasing after him?

Let’s be real, if you are reading this and you feel like you don’t need anyone, then I am sorry to burst your bubble. Everyone needs someone. You only think that because you haven’t found that person who would tear through your reservations and come right into you as though they own all of you (no pun intended there). No matter the sexuality you identify with, one thing is sure, the hunger for affection, care and attention is real. No matter how strong a person you are or how satisfied you are with yourself and your achievements at a point, there will always be room for a better half, a hollowness sitting in your heart, waiting to be filled.

I am not afraid to seek attention from someone I care about. If I feel it, I say it. And if I miss it, I demand it. And if it’s too much to ask, then begs the question, what we are doing.

It wouldn’t hurt to be emotionally dependent on yourself. To those who have attained this, I say kudos to you. To those of you who are still finding their way, keep pushing. And to those who don’t even want to think of the possibilities of letting go of their Cinderella complexities, I say more grease to ya elbow. Just know one thing, if someone isn’t treating you right, you shouldn’t have to put up with it, because life is way too short to remain in that which does not make you happy.

Written by X

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  1. #TeamKizito
    September 24, 05:54 Reply

    Hmm. The Cinderella Complex.

    Well written, X. Well written.

  2. Santa Diaba
    September 24, 06:24 Reply

    We all need somebody. It’s true. But there are hardly ever any “bodies” that are worth it, even if they seem so at first. That’s why it’s important to get used to your own company and depend on yourself alone.

  3. Pink Panther
    September 24, 06:27 Reply

    I always thought I was strong and independent emotionally, not needing anyone. My last relationship changed all that. Threatened me with dependency. The shit love can do to you though…

    • pete
      September 24, 09:14 Reply

      Is there a story here?

  4. Max
    September 24, 06:35 Reply

    Waving my #EmotionalIndependence card.

      • Pink Panther
        September 24, 11:42 Reply

        LOL. What, TDC? You doubt his emotional independence?

        • Tiercel de Claron
          September 24, 12:39 Reply

          He’s not independent emotionally,just built some wall to shield him from hurt.Even that is caving in.

            • Max
              September 24, 14:20 Reply

              Lmao ??? @TDC.. That’s one of the things I like about me; The ability to fool people.. I look like one thing outside and an entirely different thing inside.
              You don’t know me TDC & trust me, you really don’t want to.☺☺

              • Tiercel de Claron
                September 24, 15:52 Reply

                I do know you,dear Maxine.In all your incarnations.
                Takes only a small push and those defenses of yours come tumbling down,baring you to all.
                You’re soft,vulnerable.
                All your bitchiness and whatnots,just acts.

                • Max
                  September 24, 15:59 Reply

                  ????.. You sir have no idea.

                  • Tiercel de Claron
                    September 24, 16:18 Reply

                    We’ll see.
                    Now,what’s this I hear about you taking on dark people?.Doesn’t that strike you as cutting your own nose?

                    • Max
                      September 24, 16:28

                      Don’t kid yourself, we r all black people (at least that’s what the whites named us). Maybe my eyes are deceiving me but we r more brown than black. Now the issues here is about people who are very very very dark. People like Djimon hounsou, Lupita, Viola etc. I shared the same observation with chizzie about Viola “looking” dirty on the red carpet. Its almost as if she puts on Vaseline before coming out, which makes her dark skin glow even more. It gives it an effect of being sweaty & dirty. That was the observation.
                      Now our dear fairy godmother who knoweth no sin nor prejudice and her faithful minion came after me. You can read yesterday’s post to see more of it.

  5. Silver Cat
    September 24, 08:16 Reply

    *wondering* Now should I go to London for Christmas or for New Year?

    September 24, 08:27 Reply

    Am still leaving with that believe that am Strong Emotionally… or maybe am just scared, what love can do sha… Till I find that person….

  7. Chizzie
    September 24, 09:20 Reply

    Ok I’m abit lost, you mentioned how the Cinderella complex was about women being financially and emotionally dependant on men, right? And then you said bottoms( record scratch) mostly fall under this category. You weren’t explicit on which exactly, financial dependency on emotional.

    I’m curious as to what institution you are attending because I do not see how you can be a psychology major and commit the ultimate fallacy of hastily generalizing all bottoms. Human beings… have the tendency to be dependent, its pure human nature to have to rely on someone else . It varies between people and its dependant on a bunch of factors , upbringing, environment amongst others. Its not a predominant factor in one subgroup of people. I’m bottom and I do not consider myself financially dependent, and neither am I overly emotionally dependent to penis. You don’t need a psychology major to decipher some things

    Maybe next time, express your points more explicitly and pay more attention in class

    • Chuck
      September 24, 22:34 Reply

      Well said, Chizzie. Did this guy critically assess the arguments in the book he read? He’s making several leaps here, and hasn’t even explained how a gay man is similar to a woman or why it affects bottoms.

      This can’t be taken seriously.

  8. JustJames
    September 24, 09:28 Reply

    This article was a nice try but I don’t think I was able to grasp too much from it. It felt like firing a lot of arrows but not quite hitting the mark. I admire the effort but could be much better. No T, no shade. Just stating what I think.

    I’d probably have to Google out the cinderella complex thing to better understand.

    • X
      September 24, 10:21 Reply

      Thanks for the encouragement. I can only get better.

  9. X
    September 24, 10:15 Reply

    @Chizzie its obvious I struck a cord and for that I am sorry. U don’t need to throw shades. The rudeness is totally uncalled for. I have taken ur point and that’s all that actually matters here. Maybe the article is a bit everywhere buh if u read well (u seem educated so….) neways, as u pointed out its natural for human beings to be dependent on another. It’s our instinct as human beings to seek comfort when in emotional distress and that’s totally OK. Buh u see the thing here is I actually said ” sorry if I am about to get stereotypical” obviously u didn’t read that because maybe u were too quick to defend and point out your already found “independence”. This is new to me, Obviously the first thing I have written and has been put up here. I love criticism buh not when it’s malicious. I do hope we can get along

    • Mandy
      September 24, 10:48 Reply

      Lol. All this is a tall order for chizzie, X. Didn’t you know he’s the blog’s resident bitch? 😀

    • Chizzie
      September 24, 12:28 Reply

      I don’t think i was being rude or malicious, maybe its how it came across but it wasn’t intentional. ?

      • Dashawn
        September 25, 06:52 Reply

        Chile hush! Your comment was rude af! Why so bitter?

  10. ken
    September 24, 10:18 Reply

    I completely agree. We all need someone. No one deserves to be alone.

    But as for the dwindling affection, I think thats normal in every relationship. Attraction may dwindle, but its the love, or lack thereof (e.g mutual assured destruction) that keep two people together!

    • Max
      September 24, 11:08 Reply

      Some people actually deserve to be alone.

  11. La-Coozee
    September 24, 10:20 Reply

    In other unrelated news, Happy Sallah Day.

  12. La-Coozee
    September 24, 10:32 Reply


    The complex is named after the
    fairy tale character Cinderella . It
    is based on the idea of
    femininity portrayed in that
    story, where a woman is
    beautiful, graceful, polite,
    supportive, hardworking,
    independent, and maligned by
    the females of her society, but
    she is not capable of changing
    her situations with her own
    actions and must be helped by
    an outside force, usually a male
    (i.e. the Prince ).

    I think this is enough to prove things.

  13. Khaleesi
    September 24, 10:42 Reply

    Life is too short to remain in that which you are not happy with!! That phrase leapt out@me and clutched on tightly! In so many things I do in life,this is my guiding motto… I know all too well how short life can be…. Nice piece X,please keep them coming!!!

  14. Keredim
    September 24, 11:15 Reply

    @X, congratulations on your debut. It was good for a first post on here. It may have read like a term paper, but it was good.??????????

    Some advice if I may: NEVER apologise for “stricking a cord”. You took the time to research and write this, so stand by it. People (as you have demonstrated) will take what they want from the post and do what they will with it.?

    @JustJames, “….it felt like firing a lot of arrows”
    Wow!! How quickly we forget…In the beginning your weekly Sunday posts were put down as “Sunday ramblings”. We have come a long way haven’t we??

    • Mandy
      September 24, 11:19 Reply

      Good one, keredim. Evidently, practice makes perfect…and makes supercilious at the same time.

      • Keredim
        September 24, 11:24 Reply

        Gbam!!! You said it, I didn’t .????

      • JustJames
        September 24, 12:42 Reply

        Hunty please tell me how a bit of constructive criticism is being supercilious. Or I’m not allowed to talk when I see someone making the same mistakes I made?

    • JustJames
      September 24, 12:39 Reply

      Trust me i have not forgotten and it’s the reason I commented. If people didn’t point out that I was not doing a good enough job I wouldn’t have improved. And FYI I was going to state that this sounded like me when I started (albeit much better than my initial attempts) but this isn’t about me.

      • keredim
        September 24, 13:09 Reply

        I stood up for you when Chizzie and others came for you, because I liked your style.
        If I am being honest, I liked your “rambling” style, it wasn’t to everyone’s taste but it was different, quirky, non-conformist and carefree. It was YOU!!

        The fact that you did not get the message he was sending out, is not due to him. From the comments, it would appear everyone else got the message.

        You say your criticism was constructive, but I am afraid it didn’t read that way. Like Mandy said, it was a tad supercilious and contrary to what you claim, shady. (And trust me, I know shade)

        • JustJames
          September 24, 13:54 Reply

          Wow? I didn’t realise ?
          Sorry x if I came up as supercilious. Believe me when I say I did not intend that.

          • Max
            September 24, 14:15 Reply

            You don’t have to apologize for saying your mind @James. People like Keredim and Mandy exist only to undermine other people’s comment and try to bully them into their annoying political correctness.
            Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out!
            If they come after you, I’ll be right here.

            • Pink Panther
              September 24, 14:40 Reply

              You mean like bullying you into the political correctness of not saying being black is dirty? That kind of bullying?

              • Max
                September 24, 16:03 Reply

                I was talking about Viola, not one of KD commenters. Totally unrelated. It seems to be a skill of yours lately, mixing mutually exclusive events/situations just to suit your cause at a particular time.

            • JustJames
              September 24, 14:54 Reply

              I’m not apologising for saying my mind.. I’m apologising for unintentionally sounding like a stuck up bitch.

            • Mandy
              September 24, 14:57 Reply

              It’s funny how you’re calling me a bully for calling out bullshit when I see it, whereas you’ve perfected the art of just generally being a bully with several chips on your shoulder. If it’s not the hoes today, it’s the fat guys. And lately, it’s the dark people.
              My dear Maxine, remove those sunglasses you’re wearing, then pick out the wood from your eyes before coming for the lint in mine.

              • Tiercel de Claron
                September 24, 15:59 Reply

                Max is taking on dark people?.
                Isn’t that a tad weird?.Cos I know him to be a shade or two dark.

              • Max
                September 24, 16:22 Reply

                I’m now bullying black people? ????. You should really hear yourself, you sound ridiculous.
                And please answer me truthfully, would you like to date a hoe, or spend the rest of your life with one?
                Answer the same question about a fat person and you’ll see you’re not far off from the same perspective as me. The only difference is that you shut up about it while I talk about it.
                Stop trying to sound all politically correct all the time, its nauseating, its sickening and makes you look unbearably naive.

                A lot of people don’t like white folks here, they think their skin is too white. They’re generally put off by them & don’t find them attractive. I’ve seen it written here severally by alot of people and no one was called out for white-shaming. See the thing about we blacks and gay people is that we constantly seek for people to burn based on what they said, now it doesn’t matter what the intent was, the only thing that matters is that they said least to us.
                Stop the bullshit!! Mandy!! And you too TDC.. This wing you’re hovering on is made of plastic.. Remember what happened to Icarus..

                • Tiercel de Claron
                  September 24, 16:26 Reply

                  He flew too close to the sun,a warning you should heed.
                  My wings are made of stronger,more resilient stuff.Don’t worry your little head about me,look to yourself

                  • Tiercel de Claron
                    September 24, 16:31 Reply

                    Just drop the bitch act,it doesn’t suit you.
                    You can well couch your words that what you say don’t come out offensive and your intent not mistaken.
                    Again,wouldn’t hurt you to shift ground at times rather than hold on to an untenable position.

                    • Max
                      September 24, 16:33

                      I shift ground when I see that I’m wrong. Now tell me, what is this BIG BAD THING that I did?

                    • Tiercel de Claron
                      September 24, 16:40

                      You do realize saying I’m sorry,even when you’re in the right,takes nothing away from you.Rather it adds to your consequence.
                      I’ve done it several times,so I know.
                      You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

                    • Tiercel de Claron
                      September 24, 16:35

                      Don’t win a battle and lose the war,that does not a commander make.
                      Just read thru yesterday’s fluff piece,I think you owe Pink panther and Mandy apologies.But what do I know,I’m not Mother nor your conscience.

                    • Max
                      September 24, 16:48

                      Dating you must be a chore..

                    • Tiercel de Claron
                      September 24, 17:03

                      Nkem,at his bitchiest,say so too.
                      I don’t let him get away with anything,nor would I you.
                      You did cross some line tho,from what I read,but we’ll put it down to heat of the moment.
                      Go make up with your paddies jor.

                    • Max
                      September 24, 17:25

                      Lol.. *side hug*

                    • Tiercel de Claron
                      September 24, 17:30

                      A full-on hug will be more like it,no one will read meanings into it.
                      You’re a right guy in all,tho e dey your body.
                      Oya,go on

                    • Max
                      September 24, 19:39

                      Oya *long bear hug* ☺☺

  15. bobby
    September 24, 11:38 Reply

    cant say how much i love this

  16. sensei
    September 24, 11:44 Reply

    Nice article. It raised so many interesting points. Emotional dependence is a normal thing to find in relationships. Many times its excessive and wears the other person out.
    When in a relationship, one should have attention. But the question is, how much is enough? Demanding too much of anything can kill a relationship. But the idea of “too much” varies from person to person. This is precisely why effective communication is most crucial in relationship. Easy it is to drop your pants or make demands. But very hard to communicate effectively.

  17. bobby
    September 24, 11:54 Reply

    i wonder why people just cant appreciate things like normal people do. even if it does go well with u, u pass ur message sensibly…Chizzie am talking to u. sometimes there’s a point in what u say buh u just use a bad attitude laced with drama and kill it. you dont have a “bitch-status” to live up to here. …its really getting old.

  18. Colossus
    September 24, 15:46 Reply

    Beautiful debut. Write more, share more, you can only grow from there.

  19. Santa Diaba
    September 24, 20:13 Reply

    So much cattiness every day on this blog. It’s very unbecoming. ?

  20. iyke
    September 24, 21:51 Reply

    On a lighter note, Kenny Brandmuse mentioned KD today on his Facebook wall!!!!!!!???

  21. iyke
    September 24, 22:09 Reply

    yeah, check it out on his Facebook Wall?

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