As the day progressed, and I didn’t answer Basil’s two attempts to get me back on the phone, he resorted to pinging me on BBM. I quickly abandoned the chat when all he did was hem and haw on the issue of his relationship, in between spurts of irritation at my affair with Kema, which he clearly didn’t think much about.

Jackass! You don’t want to commit to me, but you want me to cut off my commitments to become your side chick. Nonsense and ingredients!

As the time nudged close to 5pm, my annoyance waned. In its absence, slivers of apprehension intermingled with anticipation trickled through my spine, as I thought about what lay ahead in the evening.

As though my slowly-mounting tension had somehow communicated itself telepathically to her, my phone rang. I stared at the screen, and it was her name as the Caller ID.

“Hello, Frances,” I said.

“Hello, darling,” she replied. “You’re not thinking of wimping out on me, are you?”

“I’m not, but…this is crazy.”

“It’s not. It’s practical.”

“Yes – and crazy still.”

It really was. It was a new kind of crazy that I’d come to know when I met Frances that evening two weeks ago.

“I’m the one who should be asking the questions here,” she’d said from the foot of Kema’s bed. “Like if you’d mind telling me what you’re doing on this bed, looking like you’ve been fucked by my fiancé.”

“Your what?” I croaked.

My mind began swimming upstream as I tried to process what I’d just heard. Kema had a fiancée? Why wouldn’t he tell me that? Granted, we’d only just met yesterday, but this had been our second shag in two days. Surely, that amounted to some great amount of sharing.

I mean, if you have something as significant as a fiancée tucked away somewhere, wouldn’t it pertinent to say, ‘Hey, just so you know, there’s a missis-to-be waiting to move in’, this in between unbuckling belts and yanking off boxer shorts. For heavens’ sake, he’d just asked me out! Didn’t he think his engagement was something I should know about, in the interest of full disclosure, before making the decision of dating him?

“I don’t understand…” I muttered lamely, not knowing what else to say.

The woman chuckled. With slow, deliberate movements, she snapped open the purse in her hand, picked out a gold cigarette case and fired up a cigarette, crunching her full lips around it. Her right hand held the cigarette to her mouth, and the left hand was placed over her crossed legs, the fingers dropping into my view. And as she’d probably intended, I caught sight of the small, sparkling number encircled round her ring finger. It was an engagement ring.

She exhaled a huge cloud of smoke and said, “What exactly don’t you understand?” Hers was a rich, almost husky voice, one no doubt enriched by years of smoking.

“Kema…he…this…” I flailed mentally for articulation.

“Kema what? You thought that because you got a guy to fuck you, he possibly couldn’t be husband material to some woman?”

Her tone wasn’t contentious; she didn’t even seem like she was about to scratch my eyes out. But perhaps, she came from the background that taught her to remain polite and dignified while moving in for the kill.

Her cool exterior however fanned my apprehension.

“Look,” I began, involuntarily lifting my hands, palms out to her, “I don’t want any trouble –”

“And yet, here you are, in my fiancé’s bed –”

“Perhaps you should take it up with him. I didn’t get here uninvited.”

Her eyes narrowed at my snappy retort. “Do you think it’s wise to be a smart mouth with a woman who’s just made a discovery that should make her mad at the world? Did no one ever tell you how unwise it is to provoke a scorned woman?”

Wordlessly, I turned and began looking around for my clothes. I caught sight of my boxers on the floor right next to me and had turned to drop my legs from the bed, when Kema walked into the room.

“Hey darling.” The woman turned to flash a smile at him.

I frowned, first at Kema and then at her. Hey darling?

“Hey yourself,” Kema said. He paused to eye her, then looked at me and groaned. “Oh come on, Frances, don’t tell me you’ve been giving Declan a hard time.”

“Declan is his name?” She turned the smile to me. “Pretty name.” She refocused on Kema with a pout. “And come on, what sort of wife would I be if I didn’t act the bitch when my husband brings his boys around?”

“The lesbian kind,” Kema returned with a smile.

“Wait, what?” The words burst from my mouth before I knew I was saying them. The two of them turned to me as I rotated a finger and a slowly-comprehending expression between them. “You’re…She’s…”

“Lesbian. Not straight, certainly not into cucumber,” Frances finished. She dragged at her cigarette and blew a thin cloud of smoke at me. “I’m strictly into lettuce. I don’t even mix my veggies.”

“How does that even compare?” I asked, arching a brow.

“Have you seen a vagina before?”


“Then let me pick the vegetables, okay?”

“You could always go with watermelon,” Kema supplied.

“Ah yes, watermelon,” Frances sighed, gray swirls drifting from her nostrils. “Eating a watermelon is quite like eating a pussy, all wet and demanding tongue action.”

“Eww!” Kema’s face twisted. “Please feel free not to give us a tutorial.”

Frances laughed gaily. “Oh, you’re so gay.”

“As are you.”

“So you two are not engaged?” I cut in.

“Yes, we are,” they said in unison.

“We’re also very good friends,” Kema said.

“Who are both gay,” Frances added.

“Who come from families with strict expectations…”

“Who keep wondering why we’re not together…”

“So I proposed…”

“And I said yes…”

“So we’ll give them what they want…”

“And still have the freedom to live how we want.”

They finished each other’s sentences… How cute!

“So this is a marriage of convenience you’re talking about,” I said in that I-just-want-to-clarify tone.

“Quick on the uptake, aintcha?” Frances sniped with a smile.

Kema started to laugh, but choked to a stop when he caught the scowl on my face. “Be nice, Frances,” he scolded.

“I’m just saying,” I said, “I’ve often heard gay guys talk about this as a possibility in their futures, but I didn’t really think anyone would go through with it.”

“You’ve never met any lesbians in your life, have you?” Frances asked.

“Not a one.”

“That’s why the idea seems so implausible to you. You’ve only known women who are apparently straight. And so, the choices of a future you’ve come to acquaint yourself with are either to get into a sham marriage with one of them, or remain infernally single.”

“I’ve always known I couldn’t possibly stay single,” Kema intoned as he moved to the bed, where Frances and I were still seated. He sat beside me, and his nearness instantly filled my senses with his overpowering musk. I watched his lips, that pillowy sensuousness, wanting suddenly to kiss him as he continued, “My family is just too strong-willed for me to go up against them concerning this issue. You know, people like to think they always have a choice, but sometimes, the only decision you can make is between a bunch of wrong choices and no right ones. You just have to choose which wrong choice feels the least wrong. Being single was out of the question. Getting married to a straight woman is something I’m just too gay for. I mean” – his mouth twisted into a wry grin – “I can’t even get it up for a pussy.”

“Oh.” Frances lifted a hand to her chest, mock-distress etched on her face. “On behalf of all the dick-loving pussies out there, I am very devastated.”

I hadn’t decided whether I liked her or not, but I found myself chuckling at her theatrical display.

“I’d ask you to cry me a river,” Kema shot back, “but that’ll probably interfere with a watermelon dish waiting somewhere.”

Frances threw back her head in laughter. “Oh come on, Kema, I’m not a slut. Don’t be ruining my rep in front of the new shag.” She flicked her fingers at me.

“He’s not just a shag, Fran,” Kema said. “I asked to see Declan more often earlier on.” He turned to face me. “And he said yes. I know what you’re going to say, that I’ve never gone exclusive with anyone before. It’s uncharted territory, yes. But with him, I want to try it all out, one day at a time.”

In that moment, my entire world began to consist only of the squint-ended dark eyes staring into mine. I felt my face grow warm.

“You just met him yesterday,” the woman said from behind.

“Yes. And after two incredible shags, I’m not sure I want us to stop doing what we’re doing. Do you?”

Realizing at once that the question was directed at me, I answered, “No, I don’t.”

“God, I want to kiss you so bad right now,” he husked.

“Good, because I’ve been wanting to kiss you since you sat your ass down next to me.”

I was barely done speaking before he took me into his arms. His mouth met mine, and we strained against each other. Eager and hungry again. The kiss was moist and hot, and was gradually increasing in intensity.

Frances cleared her throat.

We immediately stopped moving, and Kema exhaled a chuckle against my mouth.

As we broke apart, she said, “I know some men love to watch two females getting it on, but it hasn’t been statistically proven yet that a woman exists who likes to watch the men.” She punctuated her words with a puff of smoke in our direction.

Kema waved a hand over his nose. “You’re stinking up my room, Fran.”

“Yes, yes, I’ll leave soon, but I wanted to know” – she arched her head at me – “Declan, so which one is your choice, bachelorhood or marriage?” Kema made a small, grunting sound, and she said, “What? I’m just asking. Besides, it looks like we’ll be co-wives soon. First wives have to get to know the competition.”

“I’d like to think I’m the first wife,” I quipped.

Kema chortled as Frances widened her eyes at me. “Touché. Seriously though, what will it be for you?”

“I’ve always had strong reservations against getting married to a woman who doesn’t have the full disclosure of your sexuality,” I said. “I don’t have anything against those who make that choice though. I realize life is a massive collection of individualities, and that there are a ton of reasons why gay men get married to unsuspecting women. But it’s not for me. I don’t think I can be that duplicitous till death do us part. It would be such an exhausting life for me to live.”

“You’re neither the first nor only son, right?”

I was smiling as I shook my head. “Neither.”

“The finality with which you dismissed the notion of marriage revealed that to me. A first or only Nigerian son would be a little less absolute in his rejection of the choice of marriage.”

“You’re probably right, but I’d like to think that if I were either of those, I’d still have come to this decision, after a long and early-onset contemplation of my life now and hereafter, that is.”

“Whichever is the case, being a single man in your forties for instance is bound to bring you under the brunt of your family’s and society’s wrath, you know that, right?”

As always, whenever this issue about the imminent consequences of my decisions came up, I began to feel a faint unease spread like a malaise inside me. That future was something I knew would come, but which I was determined to shut my mind to, until it was upon me. When I confided this anxiety to Yinka, he’d told me that such a state of mind would leave me unprepared for the time to come.

“The reason for this is your youth,” he’d counseled then. “Youth is deceptive. It cushions you. It makes you believe in the present too much. That is why most young gay men are ageist bitches or card-carrying bachelors for life. The awakening however is often very rude.”

Frances took my prolonged silence for affirmation, and continued, “Knowing this, wouldn’t it be easier to take the easier way out? The tendency for mankind is to take the easy way out. That is why the LGBT is this anomaly” – she put finger quotes on the word – “that stands out to the rest of the world – the fact that we’ve opted for this – this…”

“Lifestyle?” Kema suggested.

“Exactly – this lifestyle that apparently makes life harder for us. People think being gay is a choice, and they can’t understand why anyone would want to make that choice. This is also why you single men and women for life will stand out, for choosing to cause trouble for society by daring not to get married. And because society resents what it doesn’t understand, it will fight you. Hard.”

“Unless a gun is put to my head, I will not do it,” I said with sudden steely resolve.

“I believe you. I also believe you haven’t considered all other alternatives.”

“Like the one you and Kema are getting into?”

“Exactly.” She started smiling – that pleased expression a teacher wears when her pupil finally figures out that one plus one equals two.

“But I don’t know any lesbians.”

“Hello?@ She waved a hand theatrically in the air. “One lesbian right here.”

“You’re already wearing my ring, Frances,” Kema said with mock-outrage.

“I’m not the only lesbian I know, darling.”

“Why do I suddenly feel like we’re having this conversation for a purpose?” I queried.

The humour left Frances’ face, and she began solemnly, “I know women – most of them, lesbians – who want the same things men like you do – the freedom to live their lives independent of all the accoutrements life is expected to have. Submission to a husband. Perhaps children. The single story of a wife and mother. They don’t want it. But they can’t make that decision, because as bad as single men may have it, it only gets worse with single women, especially when you’re perceived as not actively seeking to be put in the family way. People feel sorry for the desperate-to-wed single women. They want to help them land a man. They take them to church crusades and remember them in their prayers. But for the one who obviously or subtly looks like she cannot be bothered? Scorn. Outright disdain. Unrelenting disparagement. That is why you have more lesbians than gay men in miserable marriages.”

The silence that followed after Frances’ impassioned delivery was broken only by the hum of the air conditioner in the room and the faint roar of the television coming from the living room. It lasted a few seconds.

Then I said, “Who is the lesbian you want to set me up with?”

The smile returned like dynamite, and she gave a small squeal of delight as she dived into her purse. Her hand came out with a phone. Kema turned to give me an ‘Are you sure about this’ look. I gave him a shrugging response.

Frances thumbed through the phone’s keyboard, and then place it against her ear. Several seconds later, the call must have connected, because she said very cheerily, “Hello, Nene. I believe I’ve found just the man for you.”

Written by Pink Panther

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  1. pete
    August 10, 06:13 Reply

    Shit just got real. A beard for Declan?

      • Tiercel de Claron
        August 10, 10:23 Reply

        That dig at Max,hope you’ve prepped yourself for when he bares his claws.
        Nice read.Anticipated it,but you delivered it much better.
        Maybe I should give a look-see to that lesbian angle myself,who knows……

  2. Kenny
    August 10, 06:16 Reply

    I need me a Frances in my life! Any takers???

    • Pink Panther
      August 10, 08:04 Reply

      Hahahahahaaa!!! Kenny, perhaps u should see Django for some consultation

  3. Kenny
    August 10, 06:17 Reply

    Awesome read as always Pinky…. Two cocks up….

  4. #TeamKizito
    August 10, 06:57 Reply

    Chei, I have missed oh.

    PP of Life! I hail oh. 😀

    Husband: Ehen, sweetheart, my guy, Timi would be coming to spend the night o,

    Wife: Oh. I even invited Sandra over.

    Husband: Ehen?

    Wife: Ehn.

    Husband: Well I hope you don’t mind if we shag in the living room?

    Wife: It’s alright. The bedroom would be mine and Sandra’s be that. Sha don’t be too loud; our stupid neighbors have cat ears.

    Husband: Haha! Alright, see ya. I’m off to work.

    Wife: Ok. Have a nice day!

    Lol. Legendary awkwardness.

    • Pink Panther
      August 10, 08:06 Reply

      Hahahahahahahahaaa!!! That was a pretty long and hilarious comment for you, Kizito.

  5. kacee
    August 10, 07:27 Reply

    wow nice piece pp, i actually thought it will be a messy fight.

  6. ambivalentone
    August 10, 08:05 Reply

    Well,*pouts*, I was right at the ‘good friends’ part. I didn’t see this coming. At least she’s not screeching. I hope they get nowhere near a church.soon because one of them will catch feelings n mess up the whole arrangement *sniffs*

  7. Kester
    August 10, 08:57 Reply

    So much for my drama filled ending *eyes rolling from uyo to ogoja *well well…… never imagined it turning out this way. Interesting but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten about kizito. Moral of the story :get a lesbian to marry before you are forty. Now why didn’t I ever think about that?

  8. JustJames
    August 10, 09:15 Reply

    OMG that was a turn of events my little mind did not forsee coming.. Bravo! Brava!

    I really wish I knew a nice lesbian girl. At least even if it’s to have a pretend girlfriend for a bit.

  9. #Chestnut
    August 10, 09:18 Reply

    Choi! Declan go soon marry ooooo; u go fuck toto taya,until u cry blood!
    Great episode PP…oh,by d way, I saw what u did there…EVERYTHING!(Hey Max, how u doin’?hehe…)

    • Pink Panther
      August 10, 09:30 Reply

      *scrutinizing episode upandan* What is this everything you saw that I can’t see, eh Chestnut?

        • #Chestnut
          August 10, 10:59 Reply

          Hian, Tiercel, which wahala nah? So I can’t shout-out to my friends on dis blog again? *innocent stare*

          • Tiercel de Claron
            August 10, 11:26 Reply

            Shout-out indeed.
            Keep stirring that broth,s’ogbo.Just don’t disappear when it comes to a boil.

  10. Dennis Macaulay
    August 10, 09:42 Reply

    This series will not kill me oooo! You always never know what to expect, I did not see that coming!

    Marrying a lesbian? No thanks!


  11. Khaleesi
    August 10, 10:27 Reply

    Great one Pinky! The queen of prose never fails to deliver time after time! ! You raised very pertinent issues in this episode, love it! I think i need me a Frances or a Nene in my life … lol

  12. Temi Cole
    August 10, 11:23 Reply

    This was a pleasantly surprising twist! The Kema & Frances arrangement and the way they banter and all makes it very very appealing to have an arranged marriage… but nah!!

    Well done! Great stuff as always!

  13. Lothario
    August 10, 12:03 Reply

    Nice one PP…… You touched on a subject that’s very important to some of us, believe it or not, this is the junction some of us are at now. Lord help us!

  14. Peak
    August 10, 12:13 Reply

    “I don’t think I can be that duplicitous till death do us ” ummm I’m sure divorce and divorce lawyers exist for a reason. “Till death do us apart” is so 90s.

    PP! I follow see ur hand work u hear. You play the quiet mouse with limited opinion during hot topic blood baths, but come to Love and Sex in the city to silently slit tnroats, my god is watching you.

    Have I mentioned that I like Kema already?

    Awesome read, and I love how you deliver ur views on issue with each episode. This episode is just beautiful.

    • Pink Panther
      August 10, 14:18 Reply

      Hahahahahahaa! Peak, see my nyash o. It’s very clean. Adonknow what you’re going on about. I’m just a humble writer.

  15. Francis
    August 10, 14:09 Reply

    I totally saw this one coming though I had small doubt sha. Lol. Marrying a lesbian is just out of it me. I can’t be looking over my back every time to make sure the charade is still on fleek. Besides I wouldn’t make a convincing husband at all.

    • Pink Panther
      August 10, 14:20 Reply

      Lol. So, not a Hollywood career as an alternate profession for you then?

      • Francis
        August 10, 14:24 Reply

        Says who? I’ll just pigeon hole ma sef to better gay roles only. Why shout when some people never even smell local milk advert. Lol

  16. Oluwadamilare Okoro
    August 10, 18:28 Reply

    Nice one… The lesbians are making a long overdue entry.

    “The moral of the story” … Got me thinking and I am still thinking.

    But this one that Declan has been at work for months and he no jam our dear kizito … Issorait. *Pinky just no wan steer the story in our direction*

  17. iamcoy
    August 10, 19:31 Reply

    Pinky the twists and turns of LASITC are sharp and potentially waist breaking, like play like play there is an infusion of more interesting characters.
    You should think of adapting this into a novel and discussing with some South African opera producers to make mega bucks of this.
    as always, I will be manager when the franchise is running(and no its an option)

  18. R.A
    August 10, 19:54 Reply

    Marry a Nene or a Frances, stay in separate rooms, have ur bf stay over, she brings her own lay, family and friends come, you set up stage and continue drama, and den kids come in just to perfect the whole script…. So what next? All this stress for who and what? Society? Naah Mehn. No strength for that!

  19. Django
    August 10, 21:38 Reply

    No thanks. I can’t even stand a man in the same compound as me. We are called lesbians for a reason. And thanks a lot PP, try not to pimp me out before the end of this year, will you? A woman or nothing for me. We can just call ourselves roommates for life since Nigerians think they’re wise and all-knowing.

  20. sensei
    August 10, 22:16 Reply

    This was very beautifully written. The conversations were just awesome!
    Well done, pinky!

    August 10, 23:06 Reply

    hey! Wheres django? Come hook me Up Dude!…

  22. michael
    August 10, 23:10 Reply

    I love this episode, top notch, educative and most importantly, I connect with it seeing that am an only child.

    I’ve started looking for a lesbian to marry ooo since my folks dropped a hint last year about me not having a girl friend. Frances or Nene would be a perfect match for me.

  23. Queen Mother
    August 11, 07:21 Reply

    Apparently I got it right the last time. Only a lesbian chick would be that calm with Declan in that mood. Nevertheless, this got me thinking. I should better go hook up with a lesbo. *Adds a prayer point — Lord let a lesbian locate me today, Amen*

    But wait a minute, I Love this episode.

  24. KingBey
    August 11, 15:24 Reply

    I’m sorry. But I can’t stand a lesbian. They have a way of making me uncomfortable. So I will rather be with a straight girl and we live happily ever after while my closet still remains tightly locked than be doing what I don’t know with a lesbian. Nada.

    • Francis
      August 11, 16:46 Reply

      You can’t stand lesbians. They have a way of making you uncomfortable?! I wonder if some of us actually read and digest what we type before hitting the send button. Mscheeeeww

      • Pink Panther
        August 11, 17:10 Reply

        The thing taya me. The way we sound like the homophobes persecuting us makes me wonder just how deserving we are of the tolerance we seek.

        • Francis
          August 11, 17:28 Reply

          Sometimes it feels as though we deserve where we are as far as gay rights is concerned in this country.

          Many of us need series of lectures on TOLERANCE.

  25. DJANGO
    August 11, 21:46 Reply

    KingBey, I greet you o… How was work today?

    On behalf of all the lesbians in the world, I say…

    “WE CARE!!!”

    *sekems out of the comment section*

  26. Absinthe
    August 12, 12:13 Reply

    This series need to be produced as a TV series so painful how difficult it is

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