Menaskom
I met him on Badoo in December 2018. (Let’s call him Tim). We started chatting after he requested access to my private album and I granted it to him. The private album had my nudes, and he must have been impressed because then, he chatted me up. We established our individual locations, with him in Egbeda and me in Ikorodu. As we chatted and talked about meeting, he said he’d travelled for the holiday but would holler me when he was back to Lagos.
After a few conversations that lasted a couple of days, our communication petered out and we didn’t talk again until February 2019, when he suddenly buzzed me, wanting to know if I was still interested in seeing him. I was. The conversation was going okay, with is exchanging numbers and me acquiescing with his suggestion for me to spend the night with him at his place.
Then he asked, “Any conditions in your visiting me?”
I was confused by the question and asked, “Conditions?”
He replied, “Is our meeting for fun? I hope our meeting is to have fun.”
As opposed to what else? I thought, feeling even more befuddled. What did he think I wanted to come to his house for an overnight stay to do – brainstorm on ways to move the Nigerian economy forward?
“You do realize you are sounding weird, right?” I typed back.
“How?” he queried. “Is there anything you are hiding from me?”
My bafflement was fast turning into annoyance at this. What on earth was this guy going on about?
So I reiterated, “What did you mean by conditions?”
He responded, “Some guys demand money after meeting with you. That’s why I asked if you have any conditions.”
For a long time, I stared at the phone screen, unsure how to feel. For some reason, I’d suddenly lost the interest I had in seeing this guy. Retrospectively speaking, I can now understand why he asked these questions; lots of gay men in the hookup scene have a dependency issue, where they expect the person who is asking them over to pay for what they believe is a service they are rendering him.
But in that moment, because all I wanted to do was just have some fun with this guy, having him insinuate that I may not have the means to take care of myself was very off-putting.
So, when he sent a plaintive message – “Baby, talk nah… I really like you” – I told him “Never mind” and settled back to the Beyoncé video I’d been watching before he buzzed. I was officially over Tim.
And he appeared to get this, because he didn’t send me any more messages.
Or maybe he didn’t, because he was back in my Badoo inbox in July. For the next several days, our chats comprised mostly of “Hello”, “Hi”, “What’s up” and greetings. It was as though he was caught somewhere between not wanting to accept that we would never get to hookup and not having the energy to pursue the hookup.
And then, eventually, we stopped communicating altogether.
Then last month, a number called me. It was a number saved in my phone, but I had no recollection of who the person “TimXX” was. I was in the middle of a busy day, surrounded as I was with designs and clients, but I answered the call, hoping that I would recognize the voice on the other end and it would make me remember whose number this was.
“Hello,” the very unfamiliar voice said.
“Hello,” I answered warily.
“Where are you?” were his next words.
I was taken aback by this, and my defenses immediately shot up. The thing is, a few months ago, I was a victim of police brutality, and even though my case eventually turned out to be one of the lucky ones, where I emerged victorious over the corrupt homophobic policemen who targeted me, I didn’t leave that traumatic situation without getting scarred. My PTSD went on for several weeks, and even after I was healed of that, I developed an especially deep-seated hatred for every person in the police uniform. I also became very wary of any situations that called for me to give up my location to random people.
So, when I heard that question, I snapped into the phone, “Who is this?”
He was saying something, but I was just then distracted by someone calling for my attention in the studio. I quickly muttered “Please, could you call me back?” into the phone, before disconnecting and rushing off to take care of business.
Later that day, I remembered the call from “TimXX” and checked to see if it was registered on WhatsApp. It was, but unfortunately, there was no display picture to give me any clue as to who he was.
So I texted him on WhatsApp: “Hello, you called me earlier today. I’m sorry I don’t remember who you are.”
The message was soon read and he replied, “You cannot remember who I am, right?”
I mean, that was what I’d just said. Did he have to repeat the obvious?
“No, I don’t,” I typed back.
The top-left notification that he was typing went on for a few minutes, and then his message dropped in.
“Jimmy, does it take you anything to greet someone before looking for where you knew them from? I even called you and you just cut off the call on me. You didn’t bother calling back or apologizing for that misconduct. It is important to have courtesy and this behaviour shows the kind of home training you have. I urge you to do better and demonstrate good and holistic conduct on matters that border on human relations.”
I read the message twice as my jaw dropped open in shock. Then the shock was short-circuited to rage, especially when I re-read that bit about my home training. My fingers began racing swiftly across my keypad as I began firing off one message after another to him. First, I highlighted my first message, the “Hello”, as I pointed out: “First of all, I believe this is considered a greeting.”
“Plus, I was having a busy day and had to get off the phone when you called.”
“And finally, please…”
“Please…”
“Don’t you dare bring my home training into question!”
“Ever again!”
“I am not a child.”
“Don’t you EVER disrespect me like that ever again.”
“Thank you tremendously and remain blessed. Good night.”
And then, I blocked him.
A second later, I remembered something, so, I unblocked him and sent him some final shots.
“And pleeeease, delete my number!!!”
“Lose it!!!”
“I don’t want to ever receive any rubbish call from you ever again!!!”
Then I blocked him again.
The next day, bright and early, a text message dropped into my phone.
The first thing that registered with me was the “Badoo homosexual” in the text. That was what connected the dots for me and caused me to immediately remember who “TimXX” was. The guy on Badoo who I hadn’t communicated with in nearly a year!
After reading the text, I blocked him from texting or calling me.
And then, I returned to pondering the text and to appreciate the providence that made it so I never met up with this guy. The fact that this guy thought that the best way to insult me was by attempting to slut-shame me, weaponized the HIV stigma against me and homo-shame me goes to show what a deplorable human being he is.
And so, on the off chance he is reading this, this is what I have to say to you, Tim:
Yes, I love sex.
No, I do not have HIV.
Yes, I am a full blown homosexual.
And finally, you wish you had the pleasure of knowing what my hole looks like.
You are scum, you half-baked homosexual.
Written by Jimmy
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20 Comments
Mandy
June 09, 07:38This text message is just the most shameful thing. He really threw everything at you sha. From full blown homosexual to ashewo to HIV to smelling anal wart hole. Like this guy dragged out every insult that shames the gay identity just because he was angry by the way you spoke to him???
What a jackass.
Delle
June 09, 07:57TBs!
Very self-righteous.
And yeah, scum of the earth.
TBs.
*sighs in acute exhaustion*
Mandy
June 09, 08:54LMAO!!! The TB-ishness of it all. Delle, you are unrelenting.
Ade
June 11, 09:15wise men have their mouth in their heart, fools their heart in their mouth, the text d so-called guy send hasn’t spoken well of his mannerism, at times it’s very important to be calm and observe, if I was him, cos he showed positive signs that he was kito , cos his inability to hold a matured simple conversation shows how dull he was, u had the best and only option to speak up on time. just beware of him cos he might be looking for other strategies to get back at you ….and it seems u divulged some key information about you to him when u conversed on baddoo.. take care
Olutayo
June 09, 08:56I read this and all I could think of was this post by Abram https://kitodiaries.com/call-you-daddy-or-sir/
Dude is looking for greeting and someone who is properly home-trained. Well, he should go find a wife in the village. Idiot.
Higwe
June 09, 09:32Asking for money during hook up doesn’t mean you have a dependency issue .
I was born into a very rich home , I have never lacked money since I was born, and yes I always ask for money in 90 percent of my hookups.
If I’m not feeling you , why on earth would I have sex with you for free?
What should be my incentive for hooking up with a person I wouldn’t normally hookup with ?
You guys need to dial it down with this shaming of gay men that ask for money .
I’ll say it again and again …Osho free is not a virtue !
You’re not morally superior to anyone simply because they’re asking for money and you’re not .
At the end of the day , na the same sex you all dey have .
Na the same disease you all fit get .
Na the same demon dey transfer .
Find a cranky chair and sit your ass down ?.
I spend a shitload of money on my body.
The vitamins I take .
The supplements I use .
The body cream I apply .
The soap I use .
Let’s not even start with how strenuous and difficult muscle building is.
I do all these and you expect to get me for free when I’m not feeling you …say wetin happen ?
Is it drugs ? ???
Stick to your level…if you’re a cheapo – you’re going to find your kind that will hook up with you for free.
Better yet ….work on yourself to the level that you’ll be so desirable that hardly anyone will ask you for hookup money.
This world is all about sacrifice .
Put your energy where your mouth is .?
*******************
As for the writer , you did the right thing blocking that clown .
You could have insulted him though before blocking him everywhere.
An insult he’ll still be thinking about ten years from now .?
Yk
June 09, 10:33You talk too much and with both sides of your mouth. Today it’s you asking for money. On other days, you are the one spending money on one guy. You don’t always have to comment epistle, you know?
Mariposa
June 09, 11:49?????. Speechless…
Pjay
June 10, 02:23Liked this comment.
That Higwe is a vexatious somebody. I cringe every time I read his comments.
chubbylover
June 10, 21:21What exactly is prostitution then nwanne?
If you have the money, why depend on someone else for basic stuff like transport, clothes, pocket money….etc?
kingB
June 11, 11:42Bless your heart Nwanna.
Jinchuriki
June 12, 09:13Indirectly calling him a prostitute is not necessary. I think Higwe is quite comfortable with who he is, he wouldn’t write that if he were not. Let’s not get judgmental, people. Go Higwe!!!
Flexsterous
June 11, 10:49How about you not have sex with a person you don’t like, cause this seems like a laughable excuse, I’d rather use my hands than pay for affection as a 26 year good looking guy, that would make me feel super unattractive.
Nengi
June 09, 10:05Love and light Jimmy
Black Dynasty
June 09, 11:33Lol you dodged a bullet, heck several bullets even!!
The audacity and self entitled nonsense smh, good riddance to bad rubbish.
Jimmy
June 10, 18:49Assin ehn
kingB
June 09, 18:52The drama in this our community is so tiring. In all honesty, the other guy was very correct asking if you demand money from your hook ups after sex. It was just a step in the direction of avoiding stories that touch. Also , he was totally wrong bringing your home training to question. You also sound really haughty judging from the text you sent him. All of una go dey alright. If there’s one thing i’ve learnt from the queer community in this country, it’d be self worth and maintaing boundaries. You see people like Higwe, i no get their power at all. Awon Mr Nigeria geng.
Jimmy
June 10, 18:49That last line ????
Ade
June 11, 09:18so true ???, too much feferity , truly sha, the question of money for sex wasn’t bad tho but d dude went further bringing some unnecessary issue
Yomi
June 19, 02:53Just be careful. Yes some gays demand money but he doesn’t have to categorise everyone in this respect.
Two wrongs can never be right. I expected at least one of you to be civil in this situation.