MISTER LOVER-LOVER
Relationships have been one of those things in life I was starting to believe I’m not fated to have. It’s like a magnetic force that keeps drawing me close, and then, when I’m finally close enough, some unexplainable shit happens and the force loses its power, consequently sending me spiraling in a vortex of pain and hopelessness. In the five years since when I discovered that I am actually bisexual, I have unsuccessfully navigated six relationships, none of them lasting more than eight months.
These numerous upheavals caused me to take a look at my love life, and following this self appraisal, I thought it’d be wise for me to steer clear of relationships. Every connection I had with guys stayed in the fuck buddy lane. I knew the comfort that comes with knowing you have someone you can call yours, someone ready to ride the storm with you, someone who you can feel confident enough to be vulnerable with. But all the failures I’d had trying to have something that’d work had got me jaded. I didn’t want to believe anymore. And whenever I saw queer people talk about how they’d been in loving relationships that had lasted years, I’d simply roll my eyes and scoff, refusing to believe that these stories are real.
The first guy I dated was Christian. To be honest, this relationship was never supposed to be. Christian wanted us to be a thing, and in spite of my repeated warnings that I was still trying to understand what I wanted in a man, he shoehorned me into a relationship. It lasted some months, during which time he could tell me he loved me, but I couldn’t say the words back to him – not of my own free will anyway. When I finally said “I love you” to him, it was forced and awkward. Eventually, I had to call it quits with him.
I moved on to Matthew – my first and (until recently) only love. We met on Grindr during my second year in university. Mathew ticked all my boxes, boxes I didn’t even know I had until I met him. He was intelligent, empathetic and kind. He always had the right words to say, and we had such a strong connection that it took me a very long time, after we broke up, for me to completely move on. After our relationship ended, it took awhile for me to learn how not to recoil every time I saw him in close proximity with another guy, even when I knew they couldn’t be anything more than friends. Then I would remember how we broke up because of his internalized homophobia, a feeling of self-loathing he didn’t seem ready to overcome, and I would heal again.
The third time wasn’t a charm. I dated Raymond, and two months after we started going steady, he died. He was a promising young chap who life didn’t give a chance.
When I’d sufficiently grieved both the end of Raymond’s life and the end of our relationship, I got around to Damian. This became one of the bad decisions I made regarding my love life; Damian was a fuck boy who couldn’t stay committed to me.
Following this string of failures with guys, I decided to try dating women. Rita was my first opposite-sex relationship. And it too ended in tears. It was the relationship I’d been in that was the longest, and that made the breakup the most painful. It was the first time someone actually broke up with me. She wanted something serious. She wanted to settle down. But she didn’t see that happening anytime soon with me.
I mourned my loss for about a week, before rebounding with Martin, a guy I was casually seeing before things got serious with Rita. And even that got to its inevitable end after a few months, because Martin was scared of having sex with me. He felt – and I’m yet to agree – that I’m too big, and I couldn’t see myself carrying on in a sexless relationship.
After all this, I had to take a step back. None of my relationships had ended because I was a cheat or couldn’t commit, so I considered myself a nice guy. In fact, I’m that nice guy who would visit with you and not make a move to touch you unless it is clear that that is what you want. I love sex, but it isn’t something I’d die to have. So, I decided to simply get regular fuck buddies to ease the konji and be done with all the emotional entanglements.
But it would seem as though when man proposes, Rainbow Jesus fucks shit up.
David came along, younger, about six years my junior. At 19, he was the youngest person I had sex with, even though he was so very mature beyond his age. He knew when I was deflated and going through shit, and although I didn’t come out to plainly let him know that all I wanted with him was sex, he was knowledgeable enough to figure that out. Because of his appeal, David and I got so close that I, in spite of myself, found myself entertaining thoughts of pursuing something serious with him.
And then, there was Ernest.
Ernest was supposed to be another random hookup, but he was perfect. God, Ernest was almost exactly like the first guy I loved, Matthew. In fact, right from the first day I met him, I instantly knew I was going to discard all my anti-relationship resolutions and go all the way with him. We met in January, on Grindr too (just as it was with Matthew), and struck up such a strong bond, that I found myself thinking about him all the time at work. I couldn’t focus, and sometimes, I would take breaks to either re-watch videos we’d recorded together or stare longingly at his photos, or just to talk to him on the phone. Eventually, I asked him out, and he agreed. And just like that, I stepped out into happiness again.
David and I remained close, but I stopped having sex with him. We would meet and talk, cook together and watch movies, but I couldn’t touch him any longer. I felt an odd guilt. I didn’t want to end what I shared with him by telling him about my relationship status, and I didn’t want to tell Ernest about him either and cause him to start having doubts about me. I felt this was a situation I could successfully manage.
That is, until several days ago.
I was chatting with David. He wanted to travel to the East and needed some assistance with his bus fare. I promised to give him some money to add to what he had, and he was very grateful. And then, out of the blue, he sent a message.
“T-man, what are we?”
The message hit me hard, and I found myself struggling with an answer.
Eventually, I replied that we were friends, friends who found so much joy in each other’s company.
And since then, I’ve been mired in a serious conundrum. I have fallen in love with Ernest. I love him so much, that I am certain I’ll suffer the most devastation if anything were to go wrong.
However, I have grown to share this special bond with David, one which I really do not want to lose. I met him with the intention of just hooking up with him, but we have since become more than that. In a weird sort of way, I love him too. And he is not someone I want to lose either.
At this point, I do not know what to do. What do you guys think is the right step to take?
Written by T-Man
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10 Comments
Black Dynasty
April 20, 06:28Hmm, speaking from experience… you need to figure out who you are and what you want @ relationships, otherwise it will keep being trial and error, as well as let’s go with the flow type situation with no particular destination in mind. For example, i know I’m at a point where I’m dating with the intention to find a life partner. If the other guy isn’t thinking along those lines, then it makes it easier to not waste each other’s time.
For Ernest and David, you can’t control the future or how they would react but you’ve started the right steps by stepping back from David sexually. However, think about it this way…. if Ernest had his own version of David and you found out, how would you react?
Act accordingly from there, you can’t eat your cake and have it too. Be clear to David that it’s now just a friends thing but also be intentional with Ernest on how you feel and what you would like (listen to him on what he’d like as well). Ernest should know about David once you decide to commit to him.
Just my 2 cents, wishing you the best of luck.
Delle
April 20, 08:12Why does it have to be so complicated?
If you’re monogamous, you can only have one boyfriend.
The answer is already in the piece, why are you glossing over it?
You clearly stated you’re in love with Earnest and have a keen fondness for David.
Communicate.
Let David know that while you cherish his friendship, you have found someone you’re in love with and want to pursue something a little more than just flowery with. You described him as ‘more than mature for his age’, he should understand. It will sting, heck he may recoil for a bit but he’ll come around. And if he doesn’t, you’re going to have to learn to deal with it.
[I think, wholly, that a part of you should already entertain the tiny possibility that this may eventually end up with one of the guys still in your life].
What do you intend doing? You’re not going to be Tony Tetuila in this, you know? Juggling both of them like they’re circus balls will not only end in tears but may include blood and gore. We don’t want that. Trust me.
Except of course you’re polyamorous in which case this post won’t exist. So please, have the talk. You’ll be glad for it.
Delle
April 20, 08:22And when you’re done having this talk with David, please have another with Ernest. Let him know just how serious you are. A lot of us in these parts do not take this seriously when feelings are lurking: the deliberate duo interaction to establish a mutual agreement as regards an authentic relationship.
We just do cartwheels (that most times involve a lot of sex and burning of midnight call cards) and land with a death-drop into a relationship. It’s got to stop.
Look into his eyes and project your seriousness, gauge his reaction (cos to a reasonable extent, it’s just as important as your feelings) and hope he’s in the same headspace as you. If he isn’t, if he has doubts, talk it over but don’t pressurize.
He may come around…or not. Whatever be the outcome, at least you know you did what you’re supposed to.
If you’re going to be in a relationship, like Dynasty said, you’ll have to be intentional about it. You’ll have to be very literal.
Ken
April 20, 08:25I believe u already know what to do. What you lack is the will to do it. You wanna have your cake and eat it too. But this only ends in disaster and u end up losing both
Your best bet is to come clean and be honest. Thank me later
Orobo Hunter
April 20, 09:52Toss a coin.
Higwe
April 20, 15:12Lol …
You’re not in love with either of them .
You’re just in love with the idea of being in love…being in a relationship .
…..well guess what ? ?
They’re both going to leave you .
You have a void in your heart that you’re yet to fill and until you make the move and fill that void yourself , the people you constantly bring into your life are never going to fit into the mass until they become listless and leave .
I admonish you to do the right thing and set that 19 year old child free.
This mess of a situationship will do him more harm than good in this tyro stage of his life.
You can keep being his benefactor and mentor but desist from having a sexual relationship with him when you claim your heart is with another ….the last thing we need now is another young child viewing homosexuality as just an insertion of dick into ass because he fell in love with the wrong gay.
Nineteen is quite an impressionable age and a lot of ideologies people pick at that age stick .
Last but certainly not the least – PLEASE LOVE YOURSELF . ?
Audrey
April 20, 16:42Biko gimme David let me help you love him a little and I promise he wouldn’t be much of a problem again. And all this young boys can do oh???
J
April 21, 17:19Wow you have been in so many relationships already. I’m clocking 30 very soon, but I have never been in a relationship that lasted for 3 months. I have never met someone that wants to stick around anyways. Most of the people I attract are like babies who don’t even know what they want.
Everyone wants to be with a smart, beautiful and perfect being. We keep looking around even when we have someone with us, we feel there’s this special someone out there that is made for us… Relationship is hardwork, we have to nurture and preserve if we want it to last. Otherwise we’ll keep hurting ourselves and others in the process until when we get old and begin to regret and complain how awful life has treated us.
I will advise you to take your time and search yourself very well. Get to know what you want and work towards it without being distracted. Stop experimenting with so many people, else you might give up on having something real.
Juls
April 21, 20:50Please don’t lose him. Tell him how you feel and I hope he feels the same way. Goodluck dear.
Rexxy
April 22, 02:22You can’t eat your cake and have it…
You love David but are you in love with him.
And in whatever you are doing Carrey Ernest around so you won’t need long long explanation that he would be too angry or broken to believe if he finds out by himself….
But first you need to be sure what you want….