My Boyfriend Is Obsessing Over My Closeness With My Friend
Three years ago, a new staff was employed where I work. While making her acquaintance, we discovered that we not only live close to each other, but we were also from the same state and our local government areas aren’t that distant from each other. Because of these connections, we swiftly became friends. She was an older woman (she was in her mid-thirties to my mid-twenties), and we took on this sibling relationship, where I looked up to her like a big sister. Of course, our closeness made the tongues in the office wag as they gossiped about us being an item. We didn’t let that get in the way of our friendship.
In fact, she took me to her home where she lives with her father and grown-ass son, who was in his late teens, and the boy – Precious – and I quickly became friends, even closer than I was with his mom. From there, they got acquainted with my family, and before long, we became family friends. My closeness with them, especially Precious, got so that I was often spending a lot of time, days even, at their house. Sometimes, Precious would come to my house and spend a lot of time there too. Precious took to me like I was his older brother and friend, and his mother approved of our friendship because she saw me as a nice person who could influence her son in a good way. If Precious knew I am gay, I do not know. He is a very open-minded chap and I suspect he knows.
Anyway, then came along a boyfriend.
His name is Seun and he was a PT student at Laspotech, and who came all the way from his place to my area during weekends for his lectures. He stayed at his uncle’s place whenever he came around. And I first met him when he came with his uncle to church on a Sunday.
I took an instant liking to Seun and after we chitchatted that first day, we exchanged contacts and swiftly became friends. First we were mere acquaintances, and then we became very close friends, who chatted all the time and spent time talking to each other on long phone calls. Whenever he came to his uncle’s place, he would want us to spend time together and just hang out and be together. I was starting to fall for him but I wasn’t sure about his sexual orientation.
He told me one time about a girlfriend he had who was treating him badly (I’d spoken to the girl a couple of times on the phone and she sounded like a real bitch). I advised him to let her go; that if he wasn’t happy with her, he should end the relationship and find someone else he could be happy with. I didn’t really expect him to heed my advice, but he did. He called me a few days later to tell me he’d broken things off with the girl.
The week after that, he came to our side as usual. And he was at my place and we were talking. And he told me that the weekends, when he had to come over here, were becoming the highlight of his week because of me. That he often couldn’t wait to come here so he could see my face and hang out with me.
After hearing this, I couldn’t help it. I had to tell him. I opened myself up and told him about my true feelings for him, how I cared about him in a way that was much more than just friendly. He appeared surprised by this, and left my company that day without responding.
I was afraid that I’d ruined our friendship, but he stayed in touch. We still talked and chatted. He just never addressed what I confessed to him.
The following week, unable to bear his unresponsiveness any longer, I told him I was in love with him. This time, he responded. He said he felt the same way about me too. But then he began to sound conflicted, saying stuff about how this feeling was wrong, and how two guys were not supposed to have this kind of feeling for each other. He maintained that it was wrong.
After this, he cut off from me, stayed away from me. He was coming to his uncle’s house for a month and never reaching out to me. it hurt, but I gave him the space, realizing that he needed to come to terms with this new truth. He was most likely a latent homosexual just coming to terms with the fact that he is capable of having romantic feelings for men.
Eventually, he couldn’t stay away much longer. He called. I was overjoyed as I answered. He told me he was at his uncle’s and asked me to come over for us to talk. I was at Precious’s house (which was on a street next to his uncle’s), and went off to see him. As we talked, he told me he thinks he might also be in love with me, because for the past month, he’d been unable to get me out of his mind. During this talk, I tried to educate him on the validity of gay relationships and how normal and okay it was for two guys to be together. He had all these questions, which predictably included how we would have sex. I told him I would gladly take him inside me. He seemed both fascinated and wary about all this brand-new information.
When we had sex, it was surprisingly good. One thing he had a hang-up about though was the kissing. He appeared to not like to kiss a lot because he had this irrational fear that being into kissing would “seal his fate as a gay man”.
Anyway, we settled tentatively into the rhythm of two guys dating.
And that was when my friendship with Precious suddenly became an issue.
You see, in the past, whenever Seun called for us to meet, I’d often tell him I was at Precious’s place. He didn’t seem to have a problem with it then. Now however, that closeness that he hadn’t paid any particular interest to suddenly became an issue with him.
When he asked me about the nature of my friendship with Precious, I told him what it was – which was that we were family friends who were simply fond of each other. He wouldn’t believe me. He seemed instead to think that Precious and I were intimate. Whenever he called and I told him I was at Precious’s, he’d get this growly tone in his voice that was the unmistakable sound of jealousy. When he visits me and Precious is there, he would act nice and friendly, until Precious leaves, and then his temper would rise and shine.
It became especially more exasperating when I told him that as far as I know, Precious was straight, and he retorted that he was once straight too. That if I was able to turn him into being “this way”, what was to stop me from also turning Precious?
Whenever he calls or we chat, he would want to know if Precious was with me or when last I communicated with him. He’d always go on and on about how I would leave him to be with Precious.
I love this guy. But his jealousy and fixation on my friendship with Precious was starting to really get to me.
I’m out to my twin brother, and when I turned to him and my bestie for advice on how to handle this situation, they both told me it was true love, and that that is what I get for “changing someone’s sexual orientation.”
Like, seriously?!
It has now gotten to the point where he wants me to discontinue my friendship with Precious and my association with his family.
I need advice. What do I do?
Written by Decky
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24 Comments
Black Dynasty
November 08, 07:12Boyfriends come and go, true friends are a rarity. True love is not possessive and gives you room to be free.
You should be very wary of people in a relationship who try to control you, it’s a very slippery slope once you start to allow them control who you are friends with and it almost always goes downhill from there.
Xavier Thicc
November 08, 07:33Well,I may not have the right answers to advise you on,however, I will try to based on the fact that, I will put myself in your position right now and tell you what I would do if I were you…
I will handle it naturedly (what may be matured to me,may not be to someone else as I think that word ‘ maturedly’ is relative).
Away from that, I believe In love there should be some worth of Jealousy but it must not be excessive.. A little bit of it should spice up the relationship, that is what it is… But to be possessive is like taking your breathe from you, you live on other person’s right to breathe. It takes away your self worth,self esteem and make you feel uselessly in love.. That is a bad sign that you should run no matter how much you love the person.. Possessive love could lead to harm or outright murder.. It is only the living that can find love again..Believe me,there are beautiful people around who are capable of receiving the kinda pure love you have to give.. So if one person feels he is possessive of you and takes your right to be yourself, my dear pack it off, right now..love kill me,I die…
Now,this is what I would do.. I will jokingly tell the Precious guy or perhaps have a mild conversation about homosexuality and see his response.. He may pretend in his answer as you have rightly said that you think he knows, but for the benefit, just do that with a open mind.. From his response, you will know the next action..If he says, he abhors it,then tell him that some people are thinking your closeness with him is out of the extra ordinary and as he does not like such stuff, there is a friend of yours who heard something like that and that you would want him to come clear the air so that the friend will hear from him… With that, he will dissuade your boyfriend’s mind that nothing of such exist between you guys… With this, you have use sense and maturity to quench someone’s obsession..
On the other hand, he says he does not care,let them talk, then you sit him down and tell him that you too you don’t mind too that they are saying however since we are not really an item,when you guys are together with Precious and your guy, jokingly bring the issue up,and as guys can make fun of each other, you say ‘Precious the other day, I was walking with Seun o,someone asked me about you that where is my hand bag that they always see us together, una wey dey do like husband and wife “…Precious come clear the air (jokingly though) we be husband and wife? .there and then,Precious will say No Na,you are like my elder brother Na,nothing more,make them dey talk,e no concern me”..
By this your guy will know what’s up if however, he still refuses to believe and keep acting up,my dear your relationship with other people matters biko..Don’t loose it for anything at all… You may fall in and out of love but to fall out of genuine friendship is not easy…
I have now not say categorically that this would work 100% ooo… It’s what I would do.. My personal opinion which may not be binding on everyone… To each his own…
Queen Blue Fox
November 08, 08:04Don’t break away from your friends for anyone, when that relationship ends they will be the ones to keep you going.
Eddie
November 08, 08:07This one that Seun is insisting you converted him instead of accepting that he’d always had feelings for guys, sounds like a recipe for trouble if you eventually leave him due to his obsession… We all know how IH & insecurity can make a person do some crazy shit…just saying*shrugs*
Pink Panther
November 08, 10:40As in eh. Seun could possibly be a bomb waiting to explode. Obvious IH makes gay guys tormented by it very unpredictable.
Delle
November 08, 11:42Exactly. I think Decky should take a step back from the love that is obviously ‘shacking’ him and educate his boyfriend. Seun needs a lot of brushing up. It does not and should not stop at the both of you recognizing you are an item.
Delle
November 08, 09:10Could you firstly make your Seun understand (and accept) the fact that you didn’t and cannot ‘turn’ him into a gay man as that’s some superhuman shit no one is capable of doing? Explain to him that although he may have been into girls for the most part of his existence, it doesn’t invalidate the fact that his feelings for men have always been there but only suppressed; latent. You cannot give what you never had.
Then as for the case of him being jealous about the closeness between you and Precious, this is a sensitive issue that should be handled with a lot of reasoning.
Your friendship with Precious long started before Seun came into the picture. This in itself is strengthened by the fact that you are close to the family in general. As a result, it’s not an affiliation that would be wise to sever on the trivial and flimsy grounds of some jealous boyfriend.
Seun has to be made to understand the dynamics of the relationship with Precious. Now, it’s okay for your boyfriend to feel a little insecure, but it shouldn’t border on clinginess and excessive possessiveness. That’s a problem.
If Precious is as open-minded as your update indicated, then he could be brought into the picture. Let Seun feel comfortable in his presence. Make the two of them become friends, that’s reassuring for Seun and to an extent, would redefine the relationship with Precious.
If it happens that Precious isn’t open-minded and is averse to the idea of having a homosexual friend, then he never was your friend (that’s the sixty-four thousand dollar truth).
In all, better a true friend than a possessive, insecure boyfriend.
Pink Panther
November 08, 10:38??? Brilliant.
AduResa
November 08, 09:59How you could even get into a relationship with someone still coming to terms with his sexuality irks me, this guy still obviously needs more time, my advice is you shouldn’t get too emotionally invested cos this would most likely go south soon with or without Precious in the picture.
Delle
November 08, 11:49If we are going to get into relationships with ONLY those who have come to terms with their sexuality from their womb days, does that not defeat the aim of activism? Of this blog? Of the LGBT movement in general?
What am I trying to say?
It is not feasible to fall for and eventually date just those who aren’t in a battle with their demons. The issue isn’t about dating one who hasn’t come to terms with his sexuality (a lot, if not all of us, started this way) but one WHO DOES NOT WANT TO COME TO TERMS WITH HIS SEXUALITY.
trystham
November 08, 10:42U just start o. Thassau I heard of how a guy was evicted from his house and disgraced in his neighborhood after he said he wasn’t ‘doing’ again. The landlady heard thumping fists and had come to check what the matter was to discover that uncle and broda who were supposedly inseparable friends were fighting. Broda was heaving and saying that “you made me this way and now you wantu to leave me? We die here today”
You better introduce him to ur gay friends so that he has a wider range of options ELSE, una go die here today
Pink Panther
November 08, 11:07Wait, what!!! ??? Where did this drama happen? And who can bring the story here on Kito Diaries ooo?
Bee
November 08, 21:10??????????
Colossus
November 08, 12:12Fuck precious, literally
Pink Panther
November 08, 17:40Hahahahahaa!!!
Canis VY Majoris
November 08, 15:30TOXIC.
Besides this ‘turning’ accusations will come back to hurt you badly in the nearest future.
My advise – Love interests come and go, but true friendship is everlasting. Make the hard obvious choice and move on.
Bee
November 08, 21:12Call Me By Your Name …
I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. ?
Delle said everything.
OMG?It's Hypo??
November 09, 05:55Please don’t ever leave your friend(s) for your lover. My first lover identified as straight and would claim he does things with me alone (I believe to some extent). His jealousy was outta the world, we dated for 7years (SS1-SS3,ND 1,ND 2, 100 and 200L)! While we were in secondary (a mixed boarding school), he would publicly slap me whenever he sees me playing with other guyz…..He really loved me and pampered me and that’s why I stayed with him for 7years! This was someone I had to put up with his numerous girlfriends at different times but would always call me hourly to know where I was and what I was doing……It felt like love and care at first but he eventually became a pest! I left him and gave hik the option of being a friend but he declined! He stopped talking to me for like 2 years, I really missed him and still do but it was the best decision. I loves him and still do…..We eventually started talking on social media in 2015 but now we don’t talk like we used to because he wouldn’t stop sending me pictures of how he is doing well with his girlfriend, He would go ahead and send me their vacation pictures in Dubai, South Africa etc if I refuse to view it on his status……Twas a long shitty story but I’m glad I summoned the courage to end things with him!
Pink Panther
November 09, 07:19What a douche bag.
Abraham
November 09, 08:17In my own opinion, I would say don’t leave a friend for a lover. I myself have experienced such and when I left my friend for a guy just because he said he loves me. He later then left me with the excuse that I would leave him too someday the same way I left my friend. So i was left with 2-0. Try to explain to seun that you can’t leave precious, if he doesn’t understand then fine. But if he truly loves you he will be willing to compromise, cause love is all about compromising.
Higwe
November 09, 08:38Please stick to your friend precious; I don’t like this seun of a person.
J
November 09, 13:03How did you even start it? I mean it’s so stressful, I can’t imagine falling for someone that has an ex-girlfriend, someone that is new to gay sex, can’t even kiss me? Even saying that I introduced or converted him?
This really sounds like a fiction to me and I am left stranded ?
gaia
November 09, 17:36so you are actually dancing to that rhythm of “You changed his sexual orientation”? that’s the beginning of your problem.
Omari
November 12, 18:50Nah!, I don’t like where this is going at all…
I so detest it when I’m being smothered in a relationship…
It sucks out the very reason for my existence.
But truly, I don’t like where this is going at all…