OPEN LETTER TO AN INTERNALLY-HOMOPHOBIC FRIEND
Dear X,
I watched a movie called Prayers For Bobby. It’s a movie about the true life story of a young man, Bobby Griffith, who found out he was gay, felt rejected by his homophobic family, and killed himself. His mother, Mary Griffith, went on to become a great force for the rights of the Lesbian and Gay community in the United States.
As I was watching this film on my laptop, as I got to the end, I was crying. I was sitting there in my friend’s sitting room with his wife on the next sofa and I was sobbing very, very quietly. I raised my hand to shield my face and my tears from her, an easy thing to do because she was watching TV. However, when she asked me why I was frequently touching my face, because I was raising my hand to my face to wipe off my tears, I had to get up and hurry into the guestroom to cry to my heart’s content.
I was there in the room, crying for the young man who took his life because he felt rejected, for all the young people before and after him, home and abroad, who have felt rejected and lost and unloved and victimized, simply because they are different. My tears were coming from a place of pain. And also, a place of remembrance. I was reminded afresh of all the reasons I have decided to own who I am, to speak in the face of intolerance, to come against homophobia, to go as far as I can get away with in my support for my truth… Our truth!
Why am I telling you this? Well, I’m hoping you’re a movie buff and that you will find this film too and see. And then perhaps then you will understand why the opinions you express on the social media, that appear to trivialize and scorn homosexuality make you seem like a monster. People have given up their lives because of their homosexuality. People have been killed because of their homosexuality. To now refer to this homosexuality as a ‘gay thing’ or ‘the thing we do for fun’ is insulting to us, and to all the lives that have come and gone for the sake of their sexuality.
If however, you don’t watch movies, here’s something that Bobby’s mother, Mary said: “Before you echo AMEN to your home and in place of worship, think and remember, a child is listening.”
I’m applying this to you. Before you are tempted to next time scorn homosexuality, think and remember that it’s our lives, who we are, that you are putting down. Think and remember that in saying the things you say, you are contributing to the hate we suffer all around us. Not just on the social media, but in your own environment.
Think.
Remember.
And then STOP.
Even if you won’t stop because you’re a fellow gay man, stop because you’re a human being, and that it’s the humane thing to do.
Yours Sincerely
Pink Panther
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20 Comments
Rehoboth
October 24, 06:21Pinky, you know an internally homophobic person and you’re calling him a friend?
Rubee
October 24, 07:02Watched that movie about 6 years ago at on office movie night …
It was gut wrenching…
Eddie
October 24, 08:20And how did your colleagues react after seeing the movie? Were they mortified at being shown “homosexual propaganda” lol? @ Rubee
Rubee
October 25, 02:57I actually work with a key population HIV treatment and prevention organization.
Richiemichie
October 24, 09:23“felt rejected by his homophobic family, and killed himself”
Thanks for this, I will be sure to avoid the movie if I come across it, i hate tragic endings or death of main character. There’s no happily ever after in reality, the least all this producers can do is give us a happy ending.
Gag
October 24, 13:35That’s not what the whole movie is about, Bobby’s mother had to learn a lot and she was a Christian. She had to unlearn her hatred. Then she become an LGTB ally
Romeoux
October 24, 15:55It is my earnest desire to keep a detailed journal about my largely ‘uneventful’ life but I’ve been unable to write a few words. That’s what self denial creates in a closeted gay person; it destroys the capability to embrace and enjoy freedom (even the least form of it).
Delle
October 24, 16:42I met someone like you today. I never knew the extent to which people deny who they are until I came upon this person and it was a sad tale to say the least.
Perhaps, one day, when I’ve gotten over the shock and completely rid myself of the negative shizzles, I’ll write about it.
Perhaps…
Patrick
October 24, 19:25Romeoux,
I’m closeted but I’m not in self denial. Most Kdians are closeted. You seem to think that both are the same. I don’t think a commenter on this blog is technically living in self denial. From my personal experience, I think it takes some level of self-acceptance to comment on KD.
When I discovered KD, a completely new world was opened up to me. I loved the stories and I was learning so much, but I thought ‘no way am I commenting on a gay blog’. I had not fully accepted myself. Fast-forward to this moment, and I have fully accepted myself.
I didn’t have to lose my christian faith, I simply came to the realization that I was fated to be gay, and I have accepted that fate. It’s not the worst fate that ever befell a man.
Patrick
October 24, 18:56Oh thank you so much Pinky for this, but I won’t be seeing the movie. The one thing that destroys my week is a story of a gay person who killed himself ‘because he felt rejected by his homophobic family’. Nothing in this life is more tragic. One particular suicide story here on KD left me in a funk.
So yes, I am careful not to take homosexuality lightly; I’m careful not to scoff at any innate human inclination. And I’m beginning to let those around me know this very liberal, progressive stance of mine.
Romeoux
October 24, 19:40Patrick,
Thank you for pointing out my error. I must admit that your comment really got to me. I need to know if the fact that I’ve posted comments on this blog means that I’m not in self denial. What does it really mean to be in self denial?
Patrick
October 25, 00:52Romeoux,
Self-denial is actually used approvingly to mean denying oneself of personal interest and needs for some greater good. In the context of homosexuality, it essentially amounts to pursuing thoughts and actions and experiences that run contrary to the reality of one’s sexuality. Self-acceptance is in stages and all gay people are in different points of the spectrum. Some gay people seem to have such great psychological capacity to contradict their existence. I can’t.
As for me, I knew that I had started to accept myself when I stopped praying to God to make me straight. It’s like asking him to make you white; he could, but he won’t. I believe that everyone has their fate. Praying for a change of fate is begging to be excused from living. And we know that many gay people have taking the liberty of excusing themselves from living. My favourite line in Spartacus is, ‘We must accept our fate or be destroyed by it’.
So back to your question. You probably are in the some form of denial but you also probably are slowly accepting yourself. It’s a gay blog you are on. Trust me, it counts for something. ??
You may reach me on patrickjay69@yahoo.com with any questions.
mikkiyfab
October 24, 19:51I actually hate sappy movies being that I can’t just help myself from crying to bed, actually I just finished one titled ”Midnight sun” and decided to read KD in other to lighten and uplift my spirit/mood but reading this post just made me realize, I can’t keep hiding behind books or movies and keep lying to myself that am OK and I would be fine because each time I watch a movie am reminded of what I don’t have or what I want to do and also I get reminded that am in a lot of pain and my everyday life is in falsity
I think I need to watch this movie and maybe I can draw more strength and share it with my small community
thanks pinky
Dan
October 24, 23:38This is not a post to read after your ex text you about his traditional marriage coming up on December. Good night.
Patrick
October 25, 00:55Waoh! Dan.
oh well…
J
October 25, 00:20I never believed the existence of internalised homophobia until the day I met someone on grindr(his username is Volc). On his picture he had a white/milk color towel tied around his waist, he shuffled between Delta and Benin… He was rude, arrogant and the most bitter gay I have ever met online , I was happy that I didn’t meet him face to face or have anything to do with him. He could harm or set a person up. He was so particular about being DISCREET or whatever that word is. It’s the only English word I hate in my entire life… Anyone that uses that word is femmephobic, selfish, shallow and spineless. I don’t care what society thinks, there is just too much hate for femme guys and it’s unnecessary (the more reason so many femme people are left devastated, gay guys reject us and straight guys see us as jokes… And if trans people try to transition from male to female they get hated by all -even by the scums of the Earth. Respect transwomen,
they are the strongest and realest in the community). One thing led to another and I when I told him that I want to marry a man, he flipped and started raining all sorts of insults on me, saying that he hopes I meet people that will set me ablaze… That he doesn’t want love from a man, that he wants love from a woman… He said so many scary things to me. I wanted to take the screenshot of our conversation, but he blocked me before I could do that. My hands were just shaking that day, I was terrified, scared as if I was being chased by a wild beast! This person was always online and I know that he still uses that app, I doubt if he had a girlfriend because he was always online. Be very careful with him. Most gays are just ignorant, terrible, superficial, fake and selfish enough not to accept their sexuality. There are so many gay people in this country and we have every power to claim our rights from all these hypocritical heterosexuals. Freedom will not come and meet you when you breath DISCREET, drink DISCREET, pee DISCREET and shit DISCREET. I’m returning to my cave.
Keredim
October 25, 09:43“He was so particular about being DISCREET or whatever that word is. It’s the only English word I hate in my entire life… Anyone that uses that word is femmephobic, selfish, shallow and spineless. I don’t care what society thinks, there is just too much hate for femme guys and it’s unnecessary…”
Or they could be in a relationship and hiding from their partner…??♂️
J
October 25, 16:02This person is gay 100% with internalised homophobia, so any lady trying to settle down with him will only come up depressed.
Keredim
October 25, 16:20Ok let’s assume he is 100% gay, can he not be “particular about being DISCREET” on Grindr because of his MALE partner?
J
October 25, 18:49What male partner? An internalised homophobic person? ? Do they even keep meaning relationships in this area? Na to meet and jam and the next day look for another person. Unless if they looking for threesome, but I doubt if any person in a serious relationship can ever use that app.