RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 28)
A while back, I met the perfect guy. He said all the right things, did all the right things – he basically ticked off all the boxes on my checklist. I remember wondering how it is that such a guy was even available. We spent a lot of time together, we went book shopping, we went to see movies (even though I am not big on the cinema), and he was so smart that it was nearly intimidating to be around him.
Why then were we still were not a couple? That was a question I could not answer. Whenever I brought it up, he found very subtle ways of avoiding the subject. We spent so much time together, that I couldn’t for the life of me figure out his hesitation.
Eventually I took the bull by the horn and asked him pointedly, “We really like each other, I have seen all your crazy… So what is the issue?”
He took forever staring ahead while a soft melody played from the live band performing that Friday night at the bar we were at. Eventually he said, “Dennis, I think you are going to make an amazing boyfriend, but I cannot make that plunge right now until I have a job. If we were to start dating now, what will I be bringing to the table? A relationship is not just staying at home and kissing all day. We have to go out for meals, for drinks, take trips together, and make amazing memories. Are you going to keep on paying for everything? For how long before you begin to get irritated? Can I throw you a party on your birthday? No. Or just simply take you out? No. So as much as I will love to say yes, I cannot. I am really sorry.”
His eyes glistened for a split second before it was gone, and if we were not in public, I would have reached out and kissed him.
He made some strong and valid points. Even though I could say right now that money isn’t an issue, it may be down the road. So I let it slide and we continued being friends, until he moved away to Lagos in search of better job opportunities – and you all know what distance can do to love and friendship.
*Sigh*
***
Talking about checklists and boxes, it is funny how we have these mental lists of the kind of men we would date, and it is funny how these lists change over the years as you get older. There was a time it was “tall, dark and handsome with a 6-pack” (cum really looks good on a 6-pack abs by the way); then there was the “light-skinned boys (complete with pink pussy) only” checklist. And with time, these checklists are modified to fit the circumstances of the person in search of a lover. I still have a mental checklist of the kind of guy I’d like to be with; I mean, certain things should be in place before you bae someone, right? I remember once here I said I wasn’t going to date a guy without a university degree, and some of my friends came for my head on BBM, telling me how insensitive and politically incorrect that was. In hindsight, I guess I will take it back, but at the time, I felt that someone who has been through university has had some experiences and had a good template with which to see life through. However I have since learned that wisdom and education can be two parallel lines, seeing as I have seen idiots with masters’ degrees. Go figure.
So while it is okay to have a checklist, one in which only you should decide what you want to be on without having to defend them, recently something I have learned – which I am also trying to teach my friends (*blows kisses at Max*) – is that a core component of our humanity is the fact that we are flawed. Maybe it’s my age speaking, but the truth of the matter is that there are no perfect humans, so one can be just a little realistic while drafting your list.
Do I still have my own list? Yes. I know most people think I’m a cradle robber, but really, when it comes to dating, age is not a factor to me. But like I said, there are some things that you want to be on the list and should not be heckled for it. Like how he MUST be interested in fitness (running, cycling, tennis, strength training, football, the whole works AND HEALTHY EATING *waves at Lothario*), interested in books, should like to travel, and can be a little quiet because I can be a chatterbox.
*coughs* This is not me selling my market o. I am just saying just because.
***
My friend just relocated recently and I had to help with the packing and unpacking, which was exhausting. It was going to take the entire weekend, and if you are a corporate hustler like me, you know how precious weekends are and how we try not to waste it. However, if I did not help him move, he would be sure to whine about it and even report to my mother. (Yes, we go way back).
After moving back and forth between the old house and the new place a few times with a Hilux van, we were finally done on Sunday and sat on the floor eating noodles, since the house wasn’t set up completely yet.
Then I asked him the question I had been meaning to ask him. He had lived in the old house for less than two years. Why was he moving again from an apartment which I considered perfect? He laughed and told me that a gay man in Nigeria should not live in a particular place for too long. I asked why. He explained that no matter how discrete you think you are, people will suspect you, because ingrained in the Nigerian DNA is an inability to mind your business. He said it was only a matter of time before the busybody housewives would notice that this uncle receives only male visitors and walks with swinging hips (lol), and before long they would begin to watch you and what is going on in your house, and then the idle ones would begin to plan kito for you. And so he doesn’t stay in any area long enough for that to happen, that he would continue to be a pilgrim until he builds his own house in the future.
I told him he was only being paranoid as most times, nobody is really watching you. Nigeria is a hostile environment for gay men, so I can excuse the paranoia. I am not chatty with the people I live with, but I will move only because I want to move, not because of what people think or what I think they are thinking. I’d like to hear your thoughts on the subject though.
***
On a final note I think some people think of themselves as something I cannot define. Like I always say, nobody exists for your own pleasure. Nobody exists to please you sexually. And someone doesn’t have to say yes to you for the sole reason that you want them. They should have a say in the equation, right?
Sometimes it’s funny when people don’t even understand that you are protecting them from hurt. I mean, what will it take to shag them and move on? Nothing! It’s there for the taking, but you try to be a gentleman and hope they get the hint that you don’t see a future in that relationship, therefore you don’t want to get things started with sex that would lead nowhere. And for all this, what do you get? The suya-and-kilishi analogy… Online disses… Subtle shades here and there. *sigh*
At some point, everyone has to move on. That’s all I’m saying.
DM
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52 Comments
Francis
September 16, 06:29Moving because of staring eyes?! Hian! Paranoia just went up several notches. Pipu haff time.
If there’s anything I find exhausting in this life, its packing and moving stuff even if na to travel for vacation. I just can’t! I do well to stay on my lane and my neighbors do the same. If dem dey scrutinize me, that one na for their pocket.
I can’t be looking over my shoulders like some most wanted criminal. That one no be life abeg
Dennis Macaulay
September 16, 06:35My sentiments exactly, it’s mostly in our heads. The other day I was with friends and two guys walked past holding hands and my friends whistled. I told them that these men are straight men because paranoia about who is watching will not allow two gay men hold hands and walk.
The truth is that most times nobody is watching, people are dealing with their own demons and usually don’t have time for you!
Francis
September 16, 06:49*sighs* Now that type of paranoia i can relate to. I miss those days of not raising an eyebrow when I see guys holding hands and getting too close.
These days I feel super awkward when guys grab me anyhow in public. Then again maybe it’s my phobia-like reaction to some kinds of PDA.
Regular malo boys dey try sha. Dem no send. They still hold hands and shit here
Dennis Macaulay
September 16, 06:54Lol hold hands and shit? Dude really?
Anyways let me pretend I don’t know who you are in person and ask for your email, I’d like to discuss something with you.
Email me please
Francis
September 16, 07:04Ehen na. Those days there was nothing like gay this gay that. Guy go wrap hand around your waist and nobody go misyarn. Try am now………???
Over to Pinky on the email matter.
pete
September 16, 06:44DM,you answered the question yourself; Nigerians’ inability to mind their business. While I won’t be moving house for such reason, I understand why your friend chose to.
DM, I’m using this medium to thank you for that bookshop’s connection. Books I’ve been searching for are now nestled in my library. We are now even over that ‘incident’ from our uni days.
Dennis Macaulay
September 16, 06:52**bows**
Happy to help!
OAN: what incident?
#AskingForMyPeaceOfMind
KryxxX
September 16, 06:59I wee just borrow #TeamKizito’s line today , grab some popcorn and sink my flat ass in the front row while I wait for Chizzie to make an entrance??!
** Wendy’s amebo stare**
Hmmn!
Ruby
September 16, 07:04Thanks D ….
Over time, I’ve learnt to live Мy life for mee n noo one else.
Cuz right now, I’m way past that point of worrying unnecessarily about what someone says or said about mee * I’ll simply confront you or whoop your ass to infinity and beyond (just like Мy grand parents would whoop their pupils)
Bottom line is… Mind your Bidnez, maintain minimal contact with the neighbours, smile less or not at all *if you can help it* when you get into your apartment complex, church, school, etc and life will be much easier for you.
Dennis Macaulay
September 16, 07:08My dear minimal contact with neighbours is an absolute necessity!
Even the kids in my compound give my flat a wide berth, they must think this uncle is wierd biko
Francis
September 16, 07:14Lol. Better that way before person go chook eye for your matter one day come raise claim say you rape him pikin. ****No wonder he’s always acting strange*** ??
Dennis Macaulay
September 16, 07:19My dear exactly my thots. I had an ex who used to bring them cookies whenever he visited. I quickly put an end to it and the backed off.
You need to see the way they stare lovingly at my flat like it’s one big toy store they have been denied entry into lol. The fact they haven’t been in it makes them very curious, but me I cannot shout abeg.
Anything happens it will be the kids word against yours and I don’t kid myself to think that some people in the compound haven’t contemplated my matter before! Not like o care anyways
La-Coozee
September 18, 14:53Reminds me of “making Boo Radley come out” lol
Pink Panther
September 16, 07:55My own neighbours just think I’m a snob.
And I like am like that.
#Chestnut
September 16, 07:04Let’s be honest, money covers a multitude of sins. No one is flawless; there are just flaws that are manageable, even thought u don’t really like them. But over time,when u have to fork out an unofficial allowance for ur unemployed bf, who ‘refuses’ to correct those flaws, the flaws suddenly become very magnified and unforgettable (especially whenever u have to whip out ur wallet…)
Neighbours will always talk and wonder,but moving from house to house is no easy task; I just do very well to stay on my lane,be polite to my neighbours and keep a respectable distance.whatever they think,na for their mind o; they won’t come to confront u when u make it clear that the only words that should exist between u two are “good morning…could u come move ur car please?…happy sallah…”
#Chestnut
September 16, 07:08But wait, Dennis,I’m really interested in the “suya-kilishi analogy”.that last paragraph smells like tea,and I’m thirsty as fuck! *pushes tea-cup towards you*
Dennis Macaulay
September 16, 07:10You know the story about inquisitive monkeys and bullets?
#Chestnut
September 16, 07:28Mmm…no,I don’t think I’ve heard that one. So, suya/kilishi?
Dennis Macaulay
September 16, 07:33Just a little patience, the people with the entire jug of tea will soon show up!
Tiercel de Claron
September 16, 09:38Inquisitive monkey…..bullets……eyes
Pink Panther
September 16, 07:54*shaking my head at Chestnut* Always on the scent for tea.
HERO
September 16, 07:35Thanks DM, I had that experience once in Мy former place. It was jst the wall that divided Мy bed with Мy Landlady, so unknown 2 me all the soundtrack 4rm Мy side gets 2 her (Ruby can B very generous with soundtracks) so imagine after a nice session, you step out only 2 realise she was waiting 2 see the girl but it turned out opposite. We moved ooh but 2 a more secure apartment were we put up a rude & snobbish life 2 keep neighbours at bay.
Dennis Macaulay
September 16, 07:46Wait Hero is Ruby’s boyfriend?
How did I not know this?
Pink Panther
September 16, 07:57Hahahahahahahahhaa @soundtrack. Chai. Hero, you and Ruby are fast becoming the next Mr and Mrs Macaulay here on KD.
Dennis Macaulay
September 16, 08:07PP are you an old testament Christian? Why are you going back to the books of moses?
The ministry is moving forward please, move with the flow of the spirit
Pink Panther
September 16, 08:10I have moved nah. Into the new testament of Hero and Ruby. So nna, take several seats. We are currently in Ruby Chapter 5 verse 16.
ronniephoenix
September 16, 07:48People being paranoid enough to leave their house? Hmmmmm.
For me, I just mind my biz, braid my hair(that is growing very long), apply lipstick and shayshay away.
About the checklist of the “right” person. I am so lost in that part, I don’t even know what I want. Today I am gay, tommorow I am lesbian, the next I am bisexual, and the next I am asexual.hmmmmm
Diaris God.
Can someone help me point out what name or label I could paint my sexuality??????.
Dennis Macaulay
September 16, 08:03Must there be a label?
Someone asked me my role yesterday and I told him I was a sexual butterfly and he gave me a confused look! Lol
Samuel Ola
September 16, 09:21Sexual Butterfly than never bottoms
kacee
September 16, 19:06na wa the way news fly it just baffles me hmmmn, Ronnie I love u not that kind of love but i love u. *kisses*
Rev; Hot
September 16, 07:48Okay, this is officially my favourite entry…. Don’t know why though ?
First, a resounding ‘aaawwwwwwn’ for you and that guy… You had me wishing it all worked out between you too….
Second, I agree your friend was just being paranoid, but I still looooooooooove moving, its fun changing locations – you get to design, redecorate and shii.
Living in the same place to long bores me..
Lothario
September 16, 18:49You’re excited about designing and redecorating? Na wa! You’re strong o… Even the thought of lifting a stool to change its position has me crawling into bed with exhaustion.
Francis
September 16, 18:52??? some levels of laziness sha
Pink Panther
September 17, 06:23Heheheheee!!! Lothario, no be only you.
drizzle
September 16, 08:00Good write up Dennis, the last paragraph is just eferitin, but why is my Shadar going sky-high? could that be a shade?
*chilling, waiting, hoping*
Masked Man
September 16, 08:24DM, I have seen everything you have done here today. Continue. I’m keeping mum. As for the suya-kilishi analogy, who da hell spilled that exclusive tea? Oh! I know.
mirage
September 16, 10:13@pp I totally relate with the snob thingy rotfl,to think one of my neighbours actually removes my clothes from the line and the other day I heard her friend telling her that “so this kind guy dey ur compound na u dey date that ur parasite bf” when I opened my door,they almost froze they thought I had gone out.And when she is all nice I would so wanna tell her that it is a dead end and she should pass me her bf!*runs off *
Max
September 16, 10:35I still have no idea how that tea spilled, I have a suspect though.
This post is covered in all shades of black…
🙂
JBoy
September 17, 12:40Whoever the suspect is, that isn’t a problem.
But my question is; does DM have an issue with anyone?
Nice try, anyways.
JOJOARMANI
September 16, 10:45All the love you people are talking about, like they really happen?… humm think I need a rehabilitation on my love life!
DM the entry was awesome… stay in a neighbourhood for a long period of time, I bet you there must be that neighbour who’s waiting for any opportunity to say “I said it, I know that guy has something hidden, ekwulum ya ekwu”… so considering your friends paranoia; if he can do it. to his tempt oh Israel!
Chizzie
September 16, 11:44It seems someone’s imagination has been curbed, there wasn’t the usual outlandishness, or the not so subtle attempts to gloat , or the instances of serendipity which were always one too many. So, good for you. You deserve a cracker.
Remember to brush your teeth atleast twice daily with Sensodyne
ambivalentone
September 16, 14:04I have mizd much 😮
Pink Panther
September 16, 17:39Yes, Trys. Where have u been sef
sensei
September 16, 15:50Nice entry as usual. No you missed the perfect bf cos of his financial status? Understandable, anywayz.
Lothario
September 16, 18:58This entry….. *sigh*…….
First of all, I like my junk food, leave it for me like that. Next time we’re having spaghetti bolognese for dinner, then a full English spread for breakfast, fried rice for lunch and eba with snail soup for dinner. Just get ready!
As for your last paragraph…… *coughs and gropes around to turn on the fluorescent*…… It’s so dark in here, didn’t realize an Eclipse was scheduled for today. Bloody NASA didn’t think to inform us.
Lord Varys
September 16, 20:26DM whatever happened to the Grindr gist you promised us weeks back?
Zana
September 16, 23:24Has anyone seen the Denrele Caitlyn Jenner pics? Swear, that guys is gone.Hahahaha. so much hate from the comments though.
Wendy Williams
September 17, 06:43yes we have! Sometimes I don’t know of I like Derenle or not but I give him an A-rating when it comes to expressing himself. I don’t know why he continues denying his sexuality tho.
Francis
September 17, 06:51Denying his sexuality?
Wendy Williams
September 17, 06:50My all time favorite people on KD: Dennis and Keredim!!!
Dennis dear, you should have tried more. its such a shame to see such a perfect thing like that go away knowing that its very hard to find.
On the paranoia of your friend, its quite extreme but completely understandable. Being effeminate and with Nigerians always all up in your business, abeg he didn’t make a bad decision.
BRYANNNN
September 18, 09:30Denrele isnt denying his sexuality, He already stated it a sexual outlaw……just that most ppl are all coiled up, waiting for him to make a bold declaration abt being GAY…
Sharon
March 16, 08:59Your friend is not being paranoid and if you chat with your neighbors and even your friends neighbors, you will hear things you didn’t think they noticed. Neighbors will notice what times you go and come, what you watch/ listen to, even the content of your conversations, what you like to wear etc. I’ve been around housewives, retirees e.t.c and you will be surprised how deep into other people’s business the unoccupied will go to distract from their own lives. Your friend is sharp.