RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 29)
Recently, I was comforting a friend who got dumped, and those who know me well know that my comfort in these situations consists mostly of saying things like, “Snap out of it already.” *waves at PP* Anyway my friend was really hurt, and as we all shared beers, he said his ex was the love of his life and that he really hoped that they would be together for a long time. While the others consoled him on his loss, I quarreled with the concept of “love of my life.” I told them that there was nobody who is a “love of your life”, and that you are capable of falling in love at different times in your life. This led to an argument on whether I was right or wrong; eventually I backed down and we laughed it off and I was glad I’d made the brokenhearted guy laugh a bit. However, deep down, I knew the truth and I knew I’d been lying in my earlier posturing, because there is in fact a love of my life.
I loved him once. I still do. We met on the hilly grounds of a federal government college in Eastern Nigeria. I was young, he was young and we did not act on our affections until much later when we were both in university and back for the Christmas holidays. We carried on a relationship based mostly on SMS and emails sent from cyber cafés, and we were together in between girlfriends that came and went, losing parents, graduating, job hunting etc.
But then, all good things come to an end, right?
He got married and that hurt me like hell. I was the best man at the wedding and I watched him embark on a new path with someone else by his side – this man whom I shared a bed with the night before (the groom and the best man share the same hotel room at all weddings, no?). I stood at the altar next to him while he pledged his love and fidelity to a girl with short hair. And I was smiling, even as each word he spoke to her pierced my soul.
After the wedding, he wanted us to keep seeing each other and I tried, but after a few months, I had to let go. I couldn’t continue pretending to be happy for them when in reality I wanted them to have a nasty divorce and her to never find happiness for interfering with my own happiness.
So EK, JR and RM, to you my friends, yes, I know what it means to have a love of your life, because I do have one myself, and even though we have been reduced to the odd conversation on BBM once in a while, I will always love this guy with his big head and his hyena laugh.
*
On Monday I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, if that sort of thing really exists. I was on the edge and was virtually snapping at everybody; even my dogs knew that daddy wasn’t in the mood for face licking and they gave me space. I was dealing with some personal stuff which was causing my irritation, and at some point, I plugged in headphones so I wouldn’t have to talk to anybody.
Eventually a heterosexual friend of mine from high school buzzed me on BBM; he was getting married in October – and yes, I am a groomsman at his wedding (shut up y’all!). Anyway, he buzzed me and was like he was scared of getting married and losing his freedom, that he loved his fiancé and loved the idea of getting married, but that he was scared nonetheless and he wanted to talk to me about it.
Something in me snapped and I responded thus: “Why are you scared? Tell me. Actually don’t tell me. Just go and marry, after all it’s the Nigerian thing to do. Marry your fiancé and then continue fucking other girls any chance you get. Loss of freedom? What do you speak of? Couldn’t you leave her at home and do all your clubbing and hanging out, no shaking?! Why then are you scared? All of you are hypocrites and your hypocrisy stinks to the high heavens. So my dear, go and have your wedding and you and your wife can start that lifelong game of deceit that Nigerians are masters of!”
My response shocked him. Quite frankly, I surprised myself. But I was reacting to what I felt inside.
That day was the day the #GoAndMarry hashtag was trending on twitter, and I was just pissed that this is an institution I have been locked out of as a gay man in this country. And some silly heterosexual is coming to lament to me about how he is scared of taking the plunge. You know how not to talk about shoes when you are with a man who doesn’t have legs?
This friend knows my views on gay rights and all, and so, he was like, “This one you are anti-marriage, Dennis. If you are gay, please tell me. I won’t judge you.”
I laughed him off and told him my life was not his business. Just get married and live the Nigerian dream, and leave me to live by my rules.
The truth is that the hypocrisy of Nigerians disgusts and has started to nettle me. Where I work, I am the last (single) man standing, and I suspect I am often the butt of jokes behind my back. And then, you take into cognizance how I found the perfect house I wanted to move into, but the landlord wouldn’t rent to me because “single men are not responsible”. So all this pent-up anger was what I poured out on my friend, something I eventually felt sorry for.
*
I am a big fan of the series, Scandal, and if you watch the series too, you will note that Gladiator-in-chief, Olivia Pope always asks her would-be clients, “What is your end game?” before she takes on their case.
As a gay man living in Nigeria, I ponder the same thing too. What is the end game for me, for us? Would I be sucked into a loveless marriage with a female who wouldn’t know about my fondness for males? Will I remain single for life to face off the indignation of society? I’d ponder the option of getting married to a man, but it’s not to be considered in Nigeria, so let me cross that out.
What worries me however is that most of us Nigerian gay men don’t even think our sexual orientation is that serious; to many of us, it’s almost like a brief stop on the way to eternal heterosexuality; just a few bumps on the road here and there. This is why almost all gay relationships come with an expiry date in this part of the world, and pardon me if I sound like Max, but this is why there is no loyalty – none whatsoever.
This is why you will be chasing someone and he will tell you EXPRESSLY that he has a boyfriend, and yet you will still pursue him. After all, no be TB? Them go marry? And so you continue chasing the person even after he has drummed it into your ears repeatedly that he is not available.
I want us to be honest with ourselves. Are we even serious about some of the things we say we believe in and speak about? Or is this a stage in our metamorphosis as part of our life cycle?
In the gayborhood, it would seem that relationships are not valid. We don’t take the whole concept of exclusivity serious, and this is why you jump from one person to another, eagerly looking for the next best thing. After all, if there is no future in it, why take it serious, right?
At the end of the day, man is a free moral agent and the choices we all make are ultimately ours. But just out of curiosity, I would love to ask: what is your end game?
Do share with us.
DM
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49 Comments
Mandy
September 30, 08:47A #GoAndMarry hashtag? What was it about abeg? How did the tweets go?
Dennis Macaulay
September 30, 08:56It was hilarious and silly and annoying all at the same time and was also a bit of a reality check for me when I read the things that Nigerians were saying.
Santa Diaba
September 30, 10:39The part about watching your man marry someone else reminded me poignantly of Beyoncé’s “All I could do is cry” ???
Chizzie
September 30, 08:48What I could take out of this was your usage of “High School” obviously as a reference to Secondary School. Isn’t that just the litmus test for pretentiousness amongst wannabe Nigerians? You are not American, this isn’t America, you are a Nigerian , you live in Port Harcourt, and you attended a Nigerian Se-con-da-ry school. Sogbo?
And I will not be sharing my ‘end game’ ( the ridiculousness of such a thing) and certainly not on your post(s) .
Jumbo
September 30, 10:29@Chizel. So u need to be an American before using the word “High school”? Just so you know, ” High school” originated from Scotland and it cuts across the globe, anybody can call secondary school high school not only Americans. You ain’t all that smart anyways.
Jamie
September 30, 15:13LOL
Curves
September 30, 08:57DM, am still waiting for your mail address. Ur future gf
Dennis Macaulay
September 30, 09:01Chai my darling! Ask Admin, he will give you
kacee
September 30, 09:16Curves or whatever ur name is Please back OFF………. LMAO…. honey i’m serious BACK OFF…
Williams
September 30, 09:16Trieded out houses in Trans Amadi gardens?I bet no one cares if you’re single or not there.
Maybe you’re paranoid at work?they really may not care about your marital status.
About the end,live each day at a time.Life isn’t so important afterall…..
drizzle
September 30, 09:20How r gay relationships supposed to last if u have to hide it and pretend u r just normal friends in the NIGERIAN public?
#askingformysoul
I propose a motion that this Marriage messages should be reduced, pisses a lot of people off and IMO at the end we’ll all make our individual decisions..
Nice entry again Dm..
kacee
September 30, 09:37Drizzle that isn’t an excuse, if u love each other u won’t let society define you. fuck society and their obscene bullshit (sorry pp). if u are in a relationship with someone you really like u’ll find a way to work it iut…
kacee
September 30, 09:38*out
drizzle
September 30, 09:44Isn’t it our heart desire to fuck the society? How do we achieve it when we sometimes fuck our own selves?
kacee
September 30, 10:20An example A meets B and B knows A loves him yet B just wants A around for shagging my advice is B should tell A he only wants A for shagging only, let A choose to be heart broken or not. That’s the annoying thing about guys they just think with their D’s. if any A hurts my friends again i’ll crop out that thing he calls a Dick
Jamie
September 30, 15:16LOL…actually bro. Preach!! It’s kinda annoying…
That’s why, the new strategy is, delay and watch closely. The true colours will surely come out!!
kacee
September 30, 09:29It’s hurts when u are in love with someone and they fucking settle down, later they want u to be their side chick (hell to the no no), what do u take me for c**t (pardon my language brother PP). As the first child in my house I have been telling my mum who knows I have never had any serious relationship with a guy before not to pressure me into marriage (even though i love the idea of getting married to a girl, my wife ooooooh I love the sound of that) as my story goes i tell her(almost everyday) if she drives me into it i’ll drive out of it……. for those who pursue other people’s Bf or Gf beware the day of reckoning is close.
james bruno
September 30, 10:05while all this post does is rehash issues that have been flogged to death here, the personal nature of it is still somewhat touching.
for me, being gay around here is a no win situation. the prospect of being on your own till you die isn’t exactly something to look forward to. i would even argue that female companionship is better than none.
while i’m not one to be too bothered about “societal pressure”, i have my own aspiration and desires which include being a better dad than my own father ever was, have someone to live for and share the beauty of life with. i don’t see how that is going to happen unless something gives.
anyways these are just typical worries of a gay man in an anti gay place, i guess. everything resolves itself eventually.
Dennis Macaulay
September 30, 11:00The thought of being alone forever scares me too, I think about it sometimes.
However I always say that I believe in Serendipity and that all will be well eventually.
Delle
September 30, 11:10I really bought in2 ur sentiments, u knw. Nd 2 fink u asked almost all d qusts I hv always asked (altho 2 maself anyway)…is a plus 2 u. Truth is d homophobia amongst us hs 2 be treated b4 treating dat of d hetero world.
4rm some of d comments I’ve read here so far, m nt far 4rm d truth!
Keredim
September 30, 11:48@DM cool entry. But I am a bit confused…??
Are you now gay again? I seem to remember a few months ago, you being “fluid” with your runs and being unapologetic about desiring to marry the opposite sex.?
Also your straight friend who is getting married in October at whose wedding you are to a groomsman. Is it the same one you turned down for being slightly homophobic or is this another one?
If I have mixed things up, i apologise in advance.✌?️
Dennis Macaulay
September 30, 12:28I do admit to being fluid in my sexuality somewhat but I have never said I was going to marry a woman. I have always maintained that marriage to a woman is not my kettle of fish.
This is another friend, I called off the other one.
I hope we are clear now.
Keredim
September 30, 12:32All clear.
Thank you.????
Khaleesi
September 30, 11:49Nice piece DM, most of what you wrote is what i’ve been trying to say for sooo long, you and PP decided to take up residence in an Utopian Nigeria where tolerance for gays is advancing very quickly. Now, it seems you’re starting to lose the scales and see that homophobia is alive and thriving in Nigeria, indeed, it is embraced and comfortably housed in Nigerians’ DNA from where it reaches out at all times to bite and slash at gay Nigerians …
Dennis Macaulay
September 30, 12:33Oh look it’s the blog doomsday prophetess
Max
September 30, 15:41?
Vhar.
September 30, 12:16I’d expect that since Some Of Us are only brilliant at breakfast and “Disdainfully above” Dennis’ rants, we… can talk brillantly upon any subject provided we know nothing about it seeing as we’re always one verb short of a sentence.
Some of Us have never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
Yet, we always find little gullible things to say about this post or that one.
Sigh.
When you’re passionate about something, you want it to be all it can be. But in the endgame of life, I fundamentally believe the key to happiness is to let go of the idealism of perfection.
I find influence in books which don’t have their sights set on the endgame, but which try to be entertaining on each and every leaf.
Good writing is fundamental to good PR. It’s about creating imagery with words and not just about stating facts.
To change the thought patterns the world made up for its inhabitants, however small and gradual. – This right here, is what I believe my endgame is.
A-non
September 30, 13:19I think you are overthinking the ‘single’ guy thing in the office too much. I met a guy a few weeks ago who has been appointed the MD of the Nigerian subsidiary of a multinational where Warren Buffet has stakes in – the guy is Nigerian, studied and built his career in Nigeria, in his mid-thirties and very single.
Have also just been promoted to senior management and my marital status was not even mentioned. This has meant more interaction with stakeholders who sometimes ask about madam and the kids and I gladly tell them both madam and the kids are fine.
I like you get scared of the whole remaining single for life thing but have learnt to take one day at a time.
A-non
September 30, 13:25Pinky, have you read HM Sanusi’s response to his new bride? It’d be good to see how KDians react to it.
Personally don’t agree with a few things he stated but utterly agree with him on the need to appreciate the difference of others, it kinda reminded me of Ms Adichie’s Single Story.
Max
September 30, 13:48“What worries me however is that most of us Nigerian gay men don’t even think our sexual orientation is that serious; to many of us, it’s almost like a brief stop on the way to eternal heterosexuality; just a few bumps on the road here and there. This is why almost all gay relationships come with an expiry date in this part of the world, and pardon me if I sound like Max, but this is why there is no loyalty – none whatsoever.”
This is your best entry for the month.
I understand this was written with a lot of emotion.
I ask myself the same question every time- What’s the end game?
Tiercel de Claron
September 30, 14:00The Pursuit of Happiness.
Many do confuse that with licentiousness tho.
Keredim
September 30, 14:35Ahem e bia kwa! ? Licen – gini?
Keredim
September 30, 14:39“……or exploring various Options” as I like to call it???
Max
September 30, 15:52Yeah @TDC, that’s what many ppl think. And that’s where the mistake comes from.. You keep seeking for happiness between the crotch of leagues of men and still end up unhappy in the end, and so you keep seeking for more, with each one lasting shorter than the one before it.. And before you know it, a hoe is born. It’ll become your quick fix from depression or general sadness/the need to be intimate with someone.
#TheSadCaseOfAnAnimashaun
Pink Panther
September 30, 15:13His best entry because he was singing your anthem, eh? 🙂
Max
September 30, 15:45Now you’re merely stating the obvious @PP.. Let it go.
Curves
September 30, 19:06Pp pls can I get Dennis’s mail address? He already referred me to you. Tanx. Will as well send a proper message to u
Pink Panther
September 30, 19:58Curves, kindly email me on pantherptb@yahoo.com
Jamie
September 30, 15:27I am still growing and maturing, just like everyone else here who doesn’t know when he or she is gonna die. So I worry about ma next game, and not the end one. And ma next games are to be carefully selected beauties, who give me happiness and contentment!! Period!!
ronniephoenix
September 30, 16:21Whatever
PP's bae
September 30, 19:00nice piece DM
Max
September 30, 19:17Bae number what are you?
I’m sorry for asking, but I seem to have lost count.
PP's bae
September 30, 20:27listening to “iyawo mi” by timi dakolo.
michael
September 30, 22:25I think you should chill DM. when the time comes you will come clean. I mean, look at me, an only child who is gay and whose father is an only child to his mother.. life can,t be more unfair but I don’t think much about it. I just live.
POPE
September 30, 22:27you went to federal? cool
Silver Cat
October 01, 06:03Oh the drama and emotion that trails “first love”. What beautiful memories and sentiments.
alex
October 01, 06:03Hey DM, nice piece ! What breeds are your dogs ?
Dickson Clement
October 01, 14:51# ….. And aaaiiiii’ will always love you….#. Correct song for the love of my liife story! But sweethrt the love of my life thing is crap! This is Africa, so the young man gats to fit in perfectly into the society, try to be flexible!
sensei
October 01, 15:45Nice entry. *sigh*
It’s a tough life.