DIARY OF A GAY NIGERIAN IN THE UK (Entry 3)

DIARY OF A GAY NIGERIAN IN THE UK (Entry 3)

Time Wasters, Fuck Off!

One of the really annoying things about the Grindr scene over here in the UK is how often you encounter those who waste your time in your endeavour to find someone to hook up with.

In the beginning, I would see texts on Grindr profiles reading “Time wasters, move to the next profile” or “No time wasters please”. And I never really understood why these people were so particular to the point of commenting on time wasters. I mean, in Nigeria, there were people I never met in reality, because they only seemed to want to chat. Back then, I felt like this was an absolute waste of my time, because I was on Grindr looking to get fucked, not because I wanted to have a conversation. I have friends for that. This was what being a time waster on Grindr meant to me.

However, I was in for a shocker – or two.

The first one happened during my first three weeks here. The konji was great because I had not had any sex in the time I’d been here and I was beginning to get desperate. So, I felt a sense of joy when this dude (let us call him Jack) chatted me up. Let me start by saying I do not mince any words when I say, “E NO GO BETTER FOR JACK!!!” – Because I still feel fresh anger every time I remember what this guy did.

Jack had chatted me up and shortly after the regular ARL small talk, we exchange nudes. This man saw pictures of my ass and started showering various forms of compliments on me. He went on and on about what he was going to do to me and told me all the positions he was going to put me in. He promised me multiple rounds of sex and even went as far as boasting that before he was through with me, I’d be begging him to stop.

As someone who has always believed that a sign of good knacks is barely being able to stand – let alone walk – in the first few minutes after sex, you can imagine the excitement and anticipation that filled my heart after all these affirmations from Jack. I am not such a fan of sexting, but I’d be putting it lightly if I said that I would have been able to wank and cum from the licentiousness of our chatversation.

He asked me if I could come over immediately, and I told him I would need a few hours because I had barely woken up from sleep. However, he begged me to come ASAP because he could not wait to do naughty and unprintable things to me. It was as if he had fanned the embers of the flames of my konji because, I agreed, got up at once and went to get ready.

I quickly showered and douched and prepared for this sexual conquest, while I looked forward to relieving myself of this konji that had become life-threatening at that point.

I was still new in the UK, and so, I still had some pocket money. Because of this, I didn’t really consider the gravity of entering a £15 cab. In retrospect, if I had converted to naira with the ₦735 to £1 black market exchange rate at the time, maybe I would have had a rethink. But then again, Jack was Latino – at least, the face picture he sent was that of a Latino – and the dick pic he sent was super veiny and very sizeable, the type that is capable of hitting all the places that really matter. So, there was no room for me to contemplate the cost of getting on an uber.

And so, in less than an hour after I got up from bed, I was on my way to go see Jack.

You know how people say that there are usually signs when a hookup is going to hell, well, I think this is true. When my cab pulled up outside my place, I messaged Jack to tell him that I was on my way. And to my shock, he replied, “Oh, you want to meet now?”

In my mind, I was like, ‘Is this play? What type of playing is this?’

We’d just had a conversation where oga begged me to come ASAP, and we had agreed I’d be on my way shortly. So, what was this response he was giving me!

This should have been enough for me to just cancel the ride and go have a date with my left hand. But no. I got into the cab and replied his message, reminding him of our conversation earlier and telling him that I was on my way anyway. He replied, “Okay.” And that was it. I kept him updated as I got closer and closer to his place.

When I was a few blocks away, he confirmed his house number and told me to press the bell when I get to his door. I felt so giddy with mounting excitement as I made my way through his garden to the front porch and went on to ring the bell. I was consumed with thoughts of the impending fulfilment of the promises he made. I was smiling with intense lust and my being was filled with unholy joy.

I pressed the bell again when I realised that he had not responded. Then I pressed the bell a third time. It was almost four minutes of standing at his door, and I was trying not to catch a cold because I had left the house without my jacket. As a JJC, I was already beginning to feel the cold in my soul.

I tried calling him. Five times, and he didn’t answer.

His Grindr profile was showing green, an indication that he was online. I tapped him and messaged him. I got the notification that he viewed my profile a minute ago. And still, no response from him.

I kept pressing the bell and calling his phone. No response.

My dear brethren, that is how I stood there, outside in the freezing cold, for a good TWENTY MINUTES!!! Just right outside there at his door!

I didn’t need anybody to tell me to order a ride back home before I turned to ice block on somebody’s porch. You see why I said, “E NO GO BETTER FOR JACK!” I sent messages to him of how he was a terrible and inconsiderate human being. I told him that he would meet disappointment a 100 fold worse than this (Yes!!! The Nigerian in me had was swearing for him). I typed furiously, letting him know how much of a useless person he was on my £15 ride back home.

He later messaged me on WhatsApp with some stupid apology about how he was no longer interested and how his house was a mess, which was why he did not open the door.

IMAGINE THE NONSENSE!!!

I responded by raining some more curses on him, before going ahead to block him.

Two months later, when I was more money conscious, I had another similar experience. The difference this time was that I took a 35-minute walk to the person’s house, only for him to block me on Grindr and WhatsApp when I was barely five minutes away from his house.

THIRTY FIVE MINUTES SPENT TREKKING – just to be rewarded with a block!

And you think Sango and Amadioha will not combine forces to strike these muthafuckers down.

It was after this second experience that I also added “Time wasters, fuck off!!!” to my Grindr bio. I also started making sure that if it required paying for a trip, that they order the ride. That way, you stand me up, you lose money. And if the hookup required me to walk to your place, it wouldn’t be more than a 15-minute walk at my convenience.

They say, “Once beaten, twice shy.” Sadly, in my case, preventing a third occurrence has proven to be the real charm.

*

PS: Here is a video of porn star, Roxas Caelum, venting about an unfortunate soul who wasted his time. Just imagine.

Written by Bryan Peters

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  1. Jay
    December 26, 20:21 Reply

    Lol! Its the exact same situation here in the US.
    Those nudes they sent to you are photos other people sent to them.
    There are alot of insecure people, they know or feel like they can never get a person like you and so they play around and hurt you in the process.
    I won’t be surprised if this happens one too many times that you eventually become like them. This can get so frustrating that you stand other people up in a bid to protect yourself.

  2. UkUsedBf
    December 28, 02:37 Reply

    This is soo relatable to me cos I relocated to the UK about a year ago. Prior to leaving nig I’ve abandoned grindr for years cos of all the trash associated with it..so my expectation was that the app would make more sense in a saner place like the UK. Well it’s not as bad as in nig cos here there is low risk of kito atleast..the law protests us. But my experience with grindr has not met my expectations at all lol.
    Like this writer I had my share with weirdos, 1st was this Eastern European guy into freaky stuff like butt plugs and shit, we met off the app and exchanged WhatsApp nos, we both couldn’t host so he drove down close to me, we fucked inside his car as it was late in the evening and it was a deserted mall. The sex was hot, dude actually came wearing a jockstrap and a butt plug inside his ass. Fast foward to next morning, dude sent my long chat that what we did last nite was a mistake because he was drunk, went on to say he has a gf and never been done that before. This was weird cos after our meeting, that nite he kept on sending chats that he loves me and wanted me to be his dom, like bdsm stuffs only to get a funny msg next morning. Just blocked him immediately. This same guy resurfaced on grindr with new profile in like 1 month time and apologised that the reason he did that was because the sex hurt him bcos he’s new to it . Blocked him there too.
    Another encounter, after agreeing to meet at a location, walked there and dude confirmed his car color and that he’s seen me, dude blocked me and I saw the car zoom off, lool.
    Then there’s the objectification problem, most of the yt guys just assume cos you’re black you have a big dick and can pound them to oblivion. You’re just like a fetish to them and they become racist with it without realising it. I’ve had a few decent hookups but I don’t take the app seriously now generally cos it’s just a place where weirdos hide behind the anonymity and do psycho shit. So yeah one has to be careful with meeting lol. Had other weird experiences that can’t put on the comments. That being said, I’m interested in linking (friendship or hookup depending) with other blk guys based in the UK cos they’re not easy to come by even on the apps. So yh if you up for it reach out. I’m open to share my contact.

      • Dipsy
        January 07, 15:08 Reply

        Lol 😆. It’s not your fault. I can tell you 100% sure that guys that do that are very insecure. They just hide behind their keyboard to live their fantasy, and when it becomes real, they become bigger cowards. They are plenty in nigeria too. Once had an experience, the swear I swear for the guy ehh, I never have used such mean words on anyone in my life until that day. Na beg him begin beg.

  3. Deviantus
    December 28, 08:24 Reply

    Ouch. Lol.
    My condolences.
    That’s why I almost never look for “Now” when I’m single because a wank would sort that right out.
    Also, this isn’t “Time Wasting”, it’s “Ghosting”.
    I mean it is as a concept, but in my experience, time wasting usually is people not wanting to meet immediately after they’ve teased you.
    I do it too. For a myriad reasons;
    – the thrill is gone.
    – I got a better option
    – I had a wank and a soulless fuck wasn’t going to satiate me anymore
    – I’d rather play my console than go through the script etc
    Oftentimes, these people will chat me up later because I’m quite blunt about what I am looking for, Nothing.
    If you intrigue me, we tend to meet. If I’m bored, I reschedule for a day when I’m hornier.
    It’s not just from my end by the way, it’s happened to me a couple of times when someone has said, “hey, I’m feeling you but let’s meet some other time” and there’s never any hard feelings.
    People often log into Grindr based on instinct. I want to fuck, NOW.
    They often end up disappointed because the time it takes to chat someone up and establish they’re a somewhat functioning member of the society cools that instinct.
    Now Ghosting, that has never happened to me. I mean, sure, I’ve had people be later than they planned but once a postcode/address is given, people generally turn up.
    I’m sorry to read about this person’s experience. It must be traumatic as it’s a cruel form of rejection.
    By the way, I’m 80% sure the persons who did this were versatile whose flip had switched but had probably presented themselves a certain way and didn’t know how to communicate that they were no longer in that mood.
    The first example in particular because people will fuck you on a trash can in their room with a “please ignore the mess, I’m reorganising my house” if they were not playing pretend.

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