RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 33)
I have a question.
Is it possible to love someone you have not met? Can you fall in love with or at the least, have strong feelings for someone you have not met? My friend and I were having a conversation recently and he was going on and on about this guy he was sort of seeing, how he was perfect for him and all and how they complemented each other. Anyway, I casually asked where the guy was and when I was going to meet him, and he said the guy worked in Zaria! Knowing that my friend would not take a trip to Zaria without telling me, I asked him if he had met this guy. He said no. I was a bit worried, because I believed my friend could be heading for disaster and he doesn’t handle disappointments very well. So I went on to ask him: “How do you fall in love with someone you have not met physically?” He started gisting me about love and compatibility based mostly on BBM, Whatsapp and occasionally Skype connections. I didn’t want to be the party-pooper, so I let it slide.
Later I wondered if perhaps I was overthinking this. I mean, cyber relationships are a thing, right? They do exist, don’t they? However, I remember one incident very many moons ago, which is the reason for my skepticism. I was introduced to someone by a mutual friend and we got talking; I mean, he ticked all my boxes, so I was very happy to get to know him. We developed a great online chemistry and it was almost fairytale-like. We talked twice everyday and then caught up on BBM and Skype every now and then. We had similar interests and hobbies; I remember us arguing vigorously about the Caine Prize and who should have won it.
All was going well until he visited me in Port Harcourt, and everything fell apart. I began to see the things that BBM did not reveal and I began to feel restless. First of all, Skype and selfies did not reveal the paunchy tummy. Well, not everybody can be committed to exercise, so I let that slide. The real problem became his mannerisms. Firstly, he can snore for Africa and Asia combined. He was very rude to people, especially service people like waiters and sales persons; he yelled at them when it was necessary and when it was not, and he hurled abuse at other drivers on the road when they drove recklessly. That happens to be one of my biggest pet peeves. I managed to survive the weekend, and after he left, the online chemistry gradually fizzled out. Besides I was no longer a shiny object anyway, so it was expected. The “see-finish” syndrome came into play (I will write about it one day) and we both became lukewarm toward each other, until he eventually vanished from my BBM and it was good riddance honestly.
After that experience, I resolved that to love someone, you have to see them in their “natural habitat”, observe their personalities, see how they live, see how they treat other people and get a glimpse of who they really are. These are the things that the social media will probably not show you. I am of course speaking for myself but I sincerely do not believe that you can love someone without meeting them.
***
I often travel for work, and I was in Benin one time on a work-related trip. Benin is a town where I knew nobody, so I was more than comfortable with the company of my colleagues. With the kito stories that emanate from that town, I wasn’t interested in meeting anybody. Then, my friend buzzed me and spoke about his friend who was also in Benin and bored to death and asked me to meet up with him. I felt that was okay, seeing as this new acquaintance was a recommendation. I hit him up and asked him over to the bar of the hotel I was staying, where we had drinks and some fish.
The guy turned out to be a very strange breed of Nigerian gay man. I was inspired, blown away and in awe of him all at the same time. First of all, while we were chatting, he mentioned that he was married, and I thought to myself: Oh great, another MGM. And then, he clarified that he had a husband. I laughed, thinking he meant a boyfriend. But he corrected me and said he had a husband – a husband – and proceeded to show me a wedding band on his ring finger. I could see the impression the ring had made on the finger; so clearly, he’d being wearing the ring for a while. And that was when he had my full attention.
He told me he was married to a German who he met while he was on his NYSC in Port Harcourt. They were together for two years before they went to Berlin and had a commitment ceremony, and have been married for eight years now. I nearly could not believe my ears as he went on to tell me that they lived together, and about his husband’s children (yes, he has grown children who stay abroad) call him “Daddy Henry”. He also talked about the battles he fought – and won – with his family on account of his marriage, and that his family doesn’t acknowledge the relationship or his sexuality, but he has a relationship with them. And he talked about how he continues to live by his own rules.
As astonishing as his story was, I began to analyze it in my head. I mean, it was easier because the hubby is a foreigner and very well-off. But ultimately, it became clear to me that it is possible to have a married life in Nigeria with your man, if you so desire. By the end of the evening, I was so glad I met him. This guy renewed hope in me that there is loyalty and longevity in the gayborhood after all.
We kept in touch after that trip. I even got to speak with his husband one of the days we spoke on the phone. And recently, he called to tell me that one of his husband’s children just had a baby, so he was officially a grandma, and we had a laugh over it.
At the end of the day, it’s each person with his kettle of fish, but I just thought I should share this story with you guys.
***
“Dennis, how do you get over someone you care about and who doesn’t care about you? How do you do it?”
My friend sent me this message out of the blue on BBM. He was going through some boy drama with some self absorbed human he had fallen for and was trying to get over. Now among my friends, I have a reputation of being “Robocop” – the one who rarely gets hurt and who gets over guys easily. This is of course a fallacy; I just have perfected the art of pretending to be strong until I become it (fake it till you make it, right?). I remember once having a conversation with Pink Panther, and he asked me how does one become strong, to which I responded, “Life teaches you to be strong, life toughens you, I’m sure the crocodile upon birth had a very soft hide, but elements of the weather over time made it grow a very tough hide. Humans work the same way.”
Anyway, back to my friend who wanted to get over the guy… I started offering him suggestions: I told him, “You have too much time on your hands to be thinking, get busy with a project and you will forget him.” I mentioned the time I had a painful experience a few years ago while I was on leave; I was going mad because I was home all day thinking about this guy and the drama. God came through and my friend, who was a PhD student, begged me to help him with an assignment and I jumped at the offer, so much so that after a week plus of working on the assignment, my tormentor had vanished from my thoughts.
My friend asked if he should delete the guy from BBM and I told him no, that it would make him look petty and give the guy the satisfaction of knowing he’d hurt him. I told him that if the guy’s updates upsets him, he should change his display name to something like ‘jerk’ or ‘jackass’ or ‘Enugu idiot’; that way, his updates would show as “Enugu idiot changed display picture….” and they would upset him less. This made him chuckle and we went on to laugh over it.
At the end of the day, there is no template for anything in life. You just have to find what works for you and do it. What I shared with my friend has worked for me over the years. I am a very different person, I believe in crying privately but still smiling to the world. And hell will freeze over 63 times before I let anyone have the pleasure of knowing they hurt me.
***
Oh, and guys, y’all should step over to our sister blog, sagbachronicles.com, and check out THIS POST about internet trolls, and begin to put some things that happen on this blog and on this journal especially into perspective.
XOXO
DM
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54 Comments
Francis
December 02, 06:32The first part says it all for me on why I don’t do cyber romance. Besides they say once bitten twice shy ??
Your “German” friend story is astonishing and inspiring. I hope he doesn’t go around sharing that info with every gay person he meets sha. Bad belle pipul full ground.
Can’t wait for the internet troll drama to begin ???
Dennis Macaulay
December 02, 06:45Ogbanje!
Ofcourse you can’t wait!
Silly
ambivalentone
December 02, 06:32Well, I believe you can love someone you’ve never met, on the internet, as well as off. Perhaps you are very shallow, expecting perfection OR not as intuitive as u think u are because after all those back n forth messages, ur friend will ALWAYS drop a hint of who he is..fat, unhealthy, uncouth, dirty, controlling, talkative…
Getting over someone u care about? Start finding faults. Not the little ones. Those ones with a great potential to irritate you. You just might hate them eg “how on earth did I ever cope with the lisp? the spit he’d av showered on me all the while we talked ehn”, “see the gangly arms. No wonder he could never lift me comfortably (forget conveniently at this point, that you weigh twice his weight)”. Shit works.
#Chestnut
December 02, 07:33Nah,I don’t believe u can love someone u’ve only corresponded with,online. U can become stronly infatuated,but “love”? Mba. It is almost impossible for the internet to show u everything that u should expect to see in real-life. It’s so easy to form a desirable image in ur head and idealise someone u haven’t met,but really like. Everyone has flaws,but not all flaws are visible in bbm pictures or whatsapp chats…even phonecalls won’t tell u everything; it’s easy to always be sweet on the phone with someone whom u have never met,but are pursuing a relationship with.
Dennis Macaulay
December 02, 07:43I completely agree with you!
ambivalentone
December 02, 10:08I don’t know. Perhaps, the idea of online relationships sound more real and less cosmetic. Its not the guy who is being pursued’s fault you imagined him to be Korede Bello thin. I’ll bet he did nothing to encourage the thot sef. And nope, I don’t agree about always putting ur best foot forward during online convos. The bad is always there. The pursuer just holds on to the percieved good and then reality crashes in because of a bad physique
Max
December 02, 07:29Or you can just turn off updates from them so you’ll stop seeing it. Cried for a guy once, promised myself never to do that again. Getting over someone isn’t easy, but it gets better as the days go by.
Max
December 02, 07:32Oh and one of the easiest ways to get over people is to find something you hate about them and amplify it in your mind… Something your love or infatuation did a good job of shielding.
Dennis Macaulay
December 02, 07:45Oh my banana chocolate chip muffin!
Come and tell daddy all about it!
Daddy makes everything hurtful go away
Max
December 02, 08:31Except, I’m not hurting, merely stating a fact ??
Dennis Macaulay
December 02, 08:35Come and sit on my lap let us examine these facts together
Max
December 02, 09:09Acid bath wouldnt look good on you, you know. Watch your back ??
Chizzie
December 02, 07:59I was going to say how nice this post was and how relatable it felt in so many ways, and how I was surprised something so impressive was written by you and was even considering finally burying the hatchet and getting along with you until…I saw where you posted that link
But its good, not only do ppl get to see that that Keredim of a man is a pathetic excuse for one, a cosmopolitan public toilet, a steroid junkie exhibiting signs of early onset schizophrenia thanks in part to profuse use and abuse of steroids, and a 40somthing yr old with the thinking and reactive faculty of a juvenile. Plus it also gives me more reason to utterly despise you as well. So I guess its a win win.
Mandy
December 02, 08:26All this poison… Don’t you ever get tired?
ronniephoenix
December 02, 15:43“Schizophrenia”, wow.
Some people don’t have an idea about mental illness, but just carelessly throw comments stupidly.
Mandy
December 02, 08:29I believe you can be very very strongly infatuated with someone online, an infatuation that will likely strengthen to love when y’all meet. But in my opinion, that’s the prerequisite of love happening: the fact that you’ve met. Compatibility cannot happen when you two are only held together by the cyberspace.
ikhines
December 02, 08:48I look forward to the day you will put up your rants and stay clear of the comment section. Try it. If what you write is true and genuine, negative comments shouldn’t bother you.Nice post this week by the way.
posh6666
December 02, 09:21Lol i believe at this point most people should know who you are with ur fake monickers i for one know its just one person using two different monickers to comment and try as much as possible to generate drama since atm you are jobless and its the drama that keeps you going.
Yea i also found out that you actually stalk me on twitter and drop hateful comments using another fake account too “agenthuckngr” yet not bold enough to use ur pics and admit to being the person who you actually are .I must really be a threat to you right?what a loser????????
Pink Panther
December 02, 10:27Posh, please, this drama you’ve got going on with ikhines has got to stop. The two of you have a habit of derailing the thread with your personal beef. And every time, I have to clean it all up. That has to stop please. We get it, you both resent yourselves. At least try and ignore each other whilst you’re here.
posh6666
December 02, 10:36Ok miss pinkie but you know am not the type that even likes drama….just help us advise the kd stalkers to actually get a life and stop stalking people outside kd we argue,we dont need to agree with eachother nor like each other which is cool.
But when you now begin to frantically go on social media to stalk someone now thats really sad and pathetic who has such time really? You just potray yourself as a loser.
Pink Panther
December 02, 10:42Believe me, I find that in poor taste too. But whatever drama goes on outside KD should remain outside KD. My issue is with anyone bringing their issues over here and derailing what should be about a post into a bloodbath over their personal issues.
ambivalentone
December 02, 11:55A blood bath? I’ve got my sponge. I hear nothing rejuvenates the skin better than blood. Not even milk
Chuck
December 02, 15:43Please POsh666 what is his other handle? What caused your beef?
bruno
December 02, 08:57getting to know or fall in love with someone is an intricate affair that i don’t think can be fully realised without a physical meeting… but some people swear it works for them so…
as for getting over someone you like, it’s up to you to deal with it the way that works best for you. but time is your best friend. eventually, you will look back and wonder what you liked about him in the first place. having that in knowledge in mind can somewhat alleviate the pain and helpless you feel. however, have some self-respect while this is going on. don’t beg or pester anyone for attention, affection or even sex. it doesn’t work and it’s downright pathetic.
trolls are not a unique thing to this blog. you either ignore or aggressively censor them. like alfred told bruce wayne “some men just want to watch the world burn”. as much as some people are entertained by the bloodbaths when they do happen, i don’t think it ultimately helps kd when the hostility in comments section makes it viewed as some colosseum you enter at you own risk.
Pink Panther
December 02, 10:19Thank you very much, bruno.
THIS comment for those who come lashing at me for my moderation stance.
Ruby
December 02, 09:13Cyber Romance *shivers*
I had a Horrible Experience once….
He was your “Perfect Man” online, Physique, Conversationally and all.
But when I met him…. The Six Packs had given way to a Paunch, 6.2″ had become 5.7″, handsome and strong jaw line became Bulldong Cheeks, clean Diction had the Heavy Igbotic accent *no offence intended* lacing every word. I literally died…
I simply walked away ad never looked back after that encounter.
Francis
December 02, 10:08?????. Reminds me of one of my online hookups. Body was to die for but when we finally met, the face was totally off.
We just kissed and wanked and ended it there. All my preparation was for nothing.
On the plus side, my roommates arrived from work like 15 minutes after he left so phew!
Pink Panther
December 02, 10:23Beht how did the clean diction suddenly turn into a heavily Igbo accented voice? Did you not notice the accent when things were rosy over the phone?
ambivalentone
December 02, 10:38Oho!!! You sef see werin I dey talk. The bad is ALWAYS there. A shortness in his breath (an indication of over-weight perhaps), random coarse words (or local intonations for those who look at such), talkativeness (you can barely get a word in), narcissism (loads of 1st person singular pronoun usage)…etc. Its ALWAYS there
Pink Panther
December 02, 10:43Hehehehee! Ambivalentone, you seem to be talking from experience.
ambivalentone
December 02, 14:29My dear, the things u see n hear in this business *shudders*
posh6666
December 02, 09:27Dennis you have met different characters sha in this your life,honestly i applaud your patience to have even let him stay the whole weekend once i notice you are trying to put up some diva behaviours like this i dismiss you one time,like who the hell do you think you are?you probably even paid for his tfare and paid for all the places you visited.
I just wonder why the fat ugly ones are always the ones with attitude problem like why?
sensei
December 02, 09:52Nice entry, DM!
Kerr
December 02, 11:06Nice entry you’ve got there
Dick Advocate
December 02, 11:14Today’s rant was boring! DM
About Keredim, writing a whole post for chizzie? really? Nigga needs to check himself. i just think its a bit worrisome someone that old meddles too much with people young enough to be his kids. Pedophile maybe?
Mandy
December 02, 11:17Penis Advocate, have you checked your dictionary lately for the meaning of the word ‘pedophile’?
Mitch
December 03, 00:21Mandy, I believe Preeq Advocate is one of those who believe pedophiles are “homosexuals who molest those younger than them”.
Sinnex
December 02, 12:10Hmmm…
Keredim get time sha…some people are just not worth it. Not when they have the face of a pig and a body like that of a freshly plucked turkey.
posh6666
December 02, 12:33Lmao freshly plucked turkey? *faints* Sinnex who knew you had it in you.Choi people are mean sha..
Dennis Macaulay
December 02, 12:34**chokes on star radler**
Dick Advocate
December 02, 13:16Really Sinnex? i don’t think a ugly Monster-Looking Midget gets to have a say on peoples looks. Mirror somebody!
posh6666
December 02, 16:35Monster looking midget? Lol people are mean! Some1 looks like a freshly plucked turkey,another looks like a steroid monster,Dennis has brown rottened teeth with legs like that of Ebube Nwagbo,me i look poor and homeless???.
Guess everybody on kd is ugly so why do we even bother to pull eachother down?errmm pls what does Pinkie look like??????
Francis
December 02, 16:53Asin eh! ??
Stranger
December 02, 16:45Shut up, you vapid bully. Sinnex aint ugly.
Max
December 02, 13:37Oh no you didn’t @Sinnex, turkey???
Thanksgiving comes to mind ..lmfao ????
Chizzie
December 02, 13:54Pls where is Pinky and his imaginary mirror ???? cause the Sinnex i have seen can’t hold a lamp over a corpse, swollen and disfigured from decomposition
Haba now, you ppl should fear God pls
Kerr
December 02, 12:40Lol. Smh .
Y’all need Jesus
posh6666
December 02, 16:30Lol chuck i carry God beg you oh why are you trying to join me with Sinnex or anybody for that matter in looks competition?read the comments i didnt attack him sum1else did.
I have never tried to insult anybody’s looks or financial capacity unless they actually attack me on such,was raised better than that by my parents and religion
posh6666
December 02, 16:37Is pinkie censoring comments?
Chuck
December 02, 16:53Definitely, 2 of my posts just disappeared.
Chuck
December 02, 18:04The comment below was deleted:
Since the owner of the blog has indulged Chizzie & Max it’s no surprise they hurl insults all the time. What is the comments section besides attempts to throw shade, or justify gay promiscuity within Christianity?
P.S. I don’t have anything against promiscuity per se, just the “I ‘m a Christian but I want to do what Christians condemn and claim that it’s compatible with Christianity” irrationality pushed by the blog’s owner.
Pink Panther
December 02, 18:56To be honest, I dont care enough about what you say about me to delete your comments. It was a mistake. I was going for the unnecessary catfight springing up in the thread and your comments came in the crossfire. My apologies for that.
I dont know when the people who despise themselves on this blog will learn to ignore those they can’t stand. Instead of constantly sniping at each other.
Dickson Clement
December 02, 19:56And my harmless comment was censored too!! There is no freedom of speech here anymore?
Brian Collins
December 02, 21:03Dey dia dey find freedom of speech. You do not have the backing of the Nigerian Constitution concerning human rights here. Heck some people may argue that ALL THIS (KD) is illegal.