RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 36)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 36)

I had just been called up for a meeting in Lagos, a meeting that I wasn’t exactly excited about. Where I work, they have a culture of throwing single people around, like you literally get called up for out-of-town meetings and trainings with very little notice, sometimes as little as twenty-four hours notice. But the married people who have families sometimes get as much as a week’s notice. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, having no choice, I showed up at the airport to board a plane to Lagos to attend the meeting. One the line to check in, I noticed this guy kept looking at me; I was wearing this very short pair of shorts (I mean, these Ebube Nwagbo legs need to be seen), and since I love wearing shorts about a lot, I am kind of used to Nigerians looking shocked that a man would have the audacity to be clad in such an attire. I assumed that was what had this stranger’s eyes on me.

Anyway I eventually checked in and went to take a seat.

And then, I noticed this same guy sitting right beside me. He was still staring, and when I thought that it was starting to get creepy, he called me, “Dennis?”

I looked at him. His face did not ring a bell. I’d always thought that I could forget a name, but I would never forget a face! It was time to revise that conviction, it seemed.

“You don’t recognize me, do you?” he said. “I don’t blame you, I changed a lot.”

I responded with, “I am really sorry I cannot place the face. Could you please remind me of how we know each other?”

He went on to remind. As he talked, first came realization, and thereafter a flood of mortification, because I remembered him alright.

Very many moons ago, I had this friend back then in Warri whose house was the meeting point for all the gay men in those days. It was like an unofficial secretariat for those who were bored or (*coughs*) horny; his house was the best place to while away time or get some. I remember this day that I was in the house with this friend of mine and a few other guys. Soon, two guys walked in; my friend knew one of them, whom he greeted very well, and was thereafter introduced to the other. We all chatted a bit before I went into the kitchen to fry up some plantains which we were going to serve with rice. While I was doing that, my friend came up to me and told me that the second guy (the one his friend came with, that is) liked me and wanted to get to know me, and had asked him to hook us up.

My instant reaction was to laugh. Then I said, “Nna, of all the men, na that one you wan give me? This one that cannot even speak English? Wey fat like cow? Abeg bring better gist lemme see road.”

We both laughed out loud, only to turn around and find the same guy we were yabbing standing right there in the kitchen doorway; apparently he’d come to the kitchen to get some water, only to walk in on our conversation. We were mortified and began to apologize, But he just turned and left the kitchen and then the house, even leaving his friend behind in the living room. I never saw him again until that day at the airport.

When I was sufficiently reminded of who he was, I started apologizing again.

He brushed my apology aside and said it was in the past, before we proceeded to talk about random stuff.

In hindsight, now I look back at my younger years, I kind of chuckle. I remember a lot of my foolishnesses. I remember how when I was a lot younger, the last thing I wanted to hear was the big R. The mere mention of relationship had me running in the opposite direction; I mean I was young and I wanted to explore and experiment and have a lot of fun, so I was not ready to be bae-ed by anybody. How times have changed and how much of a difference that some years can make. Now eh, that I want a happy long lasting relationship, to find a loyal person has proved abortive.

*sigh* This life sef.

***

So after Smile guy and I had talked back and forth on whatsapp for a few weeks, he began to ask when I was going to come to Uniport to see him. I kept postponing my visit, mostly because weekends are precious and I really have a lot going on that I have to do during the weekends. However he began to make it look like I was avoiding him simply because he was a student and after sometime I decided to visit him.

Eventually I called him one Saturday morning and told him that I was coming to see him later in the day. I got directions from him. After running some errands and all, I finally made it down to Choba to see my new friend and get to know what he was about.

First of all, he had a really nice apartment, like a really nice apartment. So he was obviously a rich kid (or had a high flying aristo lol) but I went with the former. He had a lot of books, like a whole lot of books, which of course was a big turn on for me. It was great to scan through his library while we argued on the different styles of the writers and who was our favourites. He also had a lot of comics; even though I cannot relate to comics, I kind of find the guys who read them sexy (hello James).

Eventually I got to the question I wanted to ask him: “Why did you just out of the blues start coming on to me and flirting with me? How were you certain I was gay within minutes of meeting me?”

He laughed and gave me his gist.

Apparently, on my birthday, a few people on his BBM did birthday shout-outs for me, and seeing that all the people who did the shout-outs were, he believed I was gay too. So he told one of his contacts that he liked the guy on his DP and asked that he be hooked up with the guy lol. The contact declined, saying that he asked me and I said no, an interaction I didn’t remember happening (not like he told me who the contact was anyway). Eventually he let it slide and stopped bothering his contact. So imagine his surprise when the same person walked into his office for a transaction.

The whole story was all too funny to me and I was flattered. We have been spending some time together as friends, only because right now, that is what I can afford. However at a different time and place, I would consider something more committing. He is wise beyond his years.

***

On a final note, after I got off the Korede Bello bus (following those suspicious selfies), I have been depressed and all. And then my friend introduced me to Tekno . . . no, not the smartphone brand. Apparently Iyanya’s record label signed on a new delicious act called Tekno, which I missed because I am not big on Nigerian music. This man is so beautiful that it hurts to even look at him, like I am literally in love. So move over, Korede; you too, Dammy Krane, and yes you, Denola Grey. I have a new husband-in-waiting.

Chestnut, abeg just waka pass silently, I warned you!

Merry Christmas, guys.

XOXO

DM

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82 Comments

  1. Kenny
    December 23, 06:42 Reply

    Your first rant, talk about awkward! But Dennis Tekno isn’t even half as good looking as Korede, Denola, and Yusuf. What do you see in him?

    • Dennis Macaulay
      December 23, 08:36 Reply

      Well Yusuf and I are still getting married after which I am converting to Islam and Islam allows polygamy so?….

      • JArch
        December 23, 13:01 Reply

        I am laughing… In Spaniglish…yes you read that right.

        This your obsession and dream of marrying YB is just out hilarious. Continuing dream mbok, while “real men” munch on that grilled sausage.

  2. Colossus
    December 23, 07:28 Reply

    So you’re just friends with Smile guy? Ha! Uncle Dennis, you can lie oooo. Eh, if you don’t want him, I’ll come spend my holiday in PH, connect me so we could be friends too. Since friendship is what you guys are dashing around like pure water.

      • Colossus
        December 23, 08:52 Reply

        One day your eyeballs go fall off while you’re doing this your ‘unlooks’. Unlooks ko, unhooks ni. I be bra?

  3. Kerr
    December 23, 07:32 Reply

    It’s funny how life has a way of turning the table over. When I was quite younger ( teen age and all), they kept coming, and I was ready for sth serious back then . Now it’s time to find someone who wants to be real and play no games, it’s more difficult than finding a needle in the haystack .

    Tekno..?? Lol. Issorait

  4. Mandy
    December 23, 07:46 Reply

    Tekno so beautiful it hurts to look at him? Hian! Where are you looking (or not looking) biko? That guy’s got too big a dentition.

    • Maximus
      December 23, 08:31 Reply

      His eyes are too wide apart . he reminds me of Yoda.

      • Dennis Macaulay
        December 23, 08:41 Reply

        Biko shift!

        Your mama dey mold man eh?

        Leave am like that for me

        *inserts long hiss*

  5. Antheros
    December 23, 07:56 Reply

    Oh Lord!! !, the awkwardness of that first rant for finish me, well then again i always get out unscathed. ….no comment on you and smaile guy *side-eye while pursing my lips*. And oh that Skitch Tecno, *hauls puke all over* when i remember that eatry toilet incident.

  6. #Chestnut
    December 23, 07:59 Reply

    Tekno is beautiful keh? U too dey like ppl wey be like earth-worm,Dennis. Once a guy is as tiny as a “ken” doll, he’s “beautiful” in ur eyes. Tufia!

  7. johnny
    December 23, 08:03 Reply

    u must be kidding. Tekno , na classic kito u dey plan 4 urself . Don Jazzy over everything, everyday… Its like u guys here, know one another outside this place, I like making friends

      • Colossus
        December 23, 08:51 Reply

        He said he likes making friends nah, leave him and go hug your tecno phone. *waving* Hi Johnny, the kumbaya clan welcomes you.

        • Maximus
          December 23, 10:57 Reply

          “Kumbaya clan” ????. You see why you won’t make heaven

          • Lothario
            December 24, 07:28 Reply

            Leave Colossus, yeye man…. All shades of messy!

        • johnny
          December 23, 11:19 Reply

          thanks dearie. Hope its not for the witches?

  8. Jaden
    December 23, 08:28 Reply

    Biko, which suspicious selfie of korede be dat?

    • Dennis Macaulay
      December 23, 08:44 Reply

      First of all there was the one with HRH Emir Sanusi which I could have overlooked, then there was the one with Donald Duke! I mean…..

      • JArch
        December 23, 13:09 Reply

        I wouldn’t read much into that Donald Duke selfie, for obvious reasons. Two bottoms don’t make a top

      • DOE
        December 23, 13:41 Reply

        biko, i am confused…

        is korede bello gay?
        is donald duke gay?
        is Sanusi gay?

        if yes, then under which rock have i been hiding?

  9. Chizzie
    December 23, 08:35 Reply

    What can I say that I haven’t said before? Lemme just play along and pretend like this is all true. What is puzzling to me, what baffles me is what these men see in you.? Is it a Port Harcourt thing? is there a shortage of healthy looking, attractive tops in Port Harcourt or are tops that hard to come by? Port Harcourt bottoms pls tell me it hasn’t reached this stage. Because jeeez.

    Anyways I shouldn’t expect much from a place like Port Harcourt

    • Colossus
      December 23, 08:54 Reply

      Dennis be doing as if you did not see this comment, come and reply jor.

    • #FlyOnTheWall
      December 23, 08:57 Reply

      Pathetic fat slob! What kind of obsession is this please! Like when will you let this man be and go get a semblance of a life for yourself?

      Chizzie it is hilarious that you talk about looks! You? Zing someone based on looks! You combine the nose of a pig with the dentition of a donkey and you still talk about looks? Like where do you get off talking about looks?

      See you will kill yourself one day on account of Dennis and he will still ride off on his bike into the sunset! I suggest you find other people to hate, people who actually care that you hate them.

      It’s Christmas my dear be happy and let the Bitterness go! You are ugly already adding a bitter persona to it will just make things worse for you

  10. Absalom
    December 23, 08:45 Reply

    Tekno is fine. In a JS-1-boy kinda way. Pass! Not interested. ?

  11. bruno
    December 23, 08:46 Reply

    just googled tekno. *sigh* dennis and greensticks

  12. Hester
    December 23, 08:56 Reply

    So of all the stage names for him to go for, he went with Tekno and thought that was a good idea??
    Oookay.

  13. Dennis Macaulay
    December 23, 09:07 Reply

    Fly please not today! This is Christmas ; the season to be merry!

    Abeg allow poisonous people stew in their venom! Please not today!

    Kumbaya please

  14. Eddie
    December 23, 09:11 Reply

    The struggle is real, booboo…. quality tops in PH are like fucking hard to find….most of them are stingy, sex maniac semi illiterates….and then the “kito” factor comes into play….*sighs*

    • Pink Panther
      December 23, 11:36 Reply

      ‘quality tops ‘… LOL. This is not a small sometin o.

      • Delle
        December 23, 12:29 Reply

        Lol…azin ehn! Isnorray small sumtin

  15. Delle
    December 23, 10:13 Reply

    A grown man in shorts (very short shorts for that matter) isn’t pretty, what with the hairy laps and football legs showing? Oh well.
    All these company guys sef, I don’t know the criterion they use in giving married people more preference. It’s so annoying. Maybe you should just get married, lolz.

    Tekno is beautiful it hurts?! Tekno? The Duro crooner or am I missing something? With that vacuum cleaner of a nose and the horrible shape of head? People have tastes shaa. Lemme just leave them in their boats.
    And for all Korede lovers, you can have him now. Kiss Daniels and I have a lunch date this Christmas. *winks*

    • Mandy
      December 23, 10:35 Reply

      Details after the shag. *winks back*

      • Delle
        December 23, 10:59 Reply

        I’d be sure to tell, sweetheart!

  16. Mitch
    December 23, 11:01 Reply

    Dennis, I have a very simple prayer for you this season, which I happen to hate BTW.

    May the Grim Reaper not meet you under or on top of a twink!

  17. Dickson Clement
    December 23, 11:31 Reply

    I don’t know him personally but I think he is cute and has a good style story- Denola grey… I think his younger brother is hoooot!

  18. Teflondon
    December 23, 11:58 Reply

    There was this Pics circulating online recently.. About people using this ladder (Nepa officials uses to climb Electric poles) to enter the planes in PH Airport. when I heard about the state of the Airport recently I didn’t want to believe. Could this be true? It’s been a while I came to PH and even then my Goodness the Airport was in such horrible state.

    there is this common trend among Poor, unfortunate, financially struggling beings. They are Everly so quick to disparage wealthy people who are ugly or maybe not so great looking but the moment this wealthy people make mention of this people’s unhealthy financial status. The noise will start. How dare you say such? Is God not the giver of wealth? Do you think you can be rich forever? Blah blah blah… Smh such double standards this world Ehn.

    Lastly, This smile Guy; someone from a “rich” home working as an internet provider (or whatever) sales boy. Wow! I would love to meet this amazing boy to borrow some leaf off his book of hard work (which I have to some extent) and humility.

    But since we are In the spirit of Kumbaya! (Christmas period is a Kumbaya period were we all pretend to love eachother in the name of Christ and celebration) I would say this was a good and eventful rant as always.

    • Mr. Fingers
      December 23, 12:11 Reply

      Dude fear God oh. That ladder incident took place in Bauchi airport not pH na. Smh.

      • Keredim
        December 23, 12:17 Reply

        Fingers man, the asininity is off the scale???

        Quite embarrassing ??

    • Dennis Macaulay
      December 23, 12:37 Reply

      Teflondon I don’t know the kind of school you attended but there is such a thing as “Industrial attachment ” which is part of the curriculum of many bachelor degree programmes.

      As part of this attachment, students mostly in their 3rd or 4th year get sent to companies and corporate organisations to get a hands on experience for between 6 months and one year depending on the course of study.

      Except of course you were educated in “london” then you won’t be familiar with this programme!

      Oh and erm while trying not to hold brief for FAAN, there is a difference between Bauchi and Porthatcourt. It helps if you read Teflondon, reading the details of anything often makes the difference!

      Happy Holidays

      • Keredim
        December 23, 13:25 Reply

        @Dennis in LONDON “Industrial Attachment” is known as “Work experience/placement.”

        This is common knowledge to those EDUCATED in LONDON. ?

        • Mandy
          December 23, 13:35 Reply

          So if not London and if not Nigeria, where do ‘rich’ fatsos get their college/university education, where there are no industrial attachments?

      • Teflondon
        December 23, 15:11 Reply

        Quick advise Mr Dennis;
        Well learn to put details next time, so Atleast it can be believable. if not you would leave your actual (non-gullible) readers to use their imagination to put together the pieces of the details you left out.
        And I was only admiring that hard working boy, you don’t need to get all defensive with the follow-up thesis.

        P.S I think it’s understandable when people like Delle, Ronnie, Mandy who Can be classified as young and don’t have much going for them, tail me around in the comment section. What is absolutely disgraceful though IMO is when a 50+ years man decides to be a nuisance in the name of being seen as cool in the midst of young and vibrant folks. Sometimes I begin to wonder, shouldn’t this person channel his energy into building a family, so he can Atleast have people to bury him when his time is up? (Which seeing as age is no longer on this said mans side) Should be soon?!

        • Francis
          December 23, 15:17 Reply

          Dennis 50?! *looks at self* Dennis there’s love in sharing oh

        • Delle
          December 23, 15:57 Reply

          *inserts humongous hiss and resumes lunch date with Kiss Daniels*

        • Keredim
          December 23, 16:07 Reply

          Thanks for your concern Tef. Family to look after me and people to bury me when my time is up, are all taken care of.

          As you look like you are one morsel of amala away from a fatal myocardial infarction (Heart Attack in case you were wondering), I suggest you take care of yourself, rather than be concerned about my funeral arrangements?

          • Mandy
            December 23, 16:30 Reply

            HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!! In case anybody was wondering, THIS is sarcasm!

          • Francis
            December 23, 16:33 Reply

            Aaaaaw, Kere-dearest is in the mood to play today ????????

          • Teflondon
            December 23, 18:09 Reply

            I can’t remember ever mentioning the 50+ years old mans name but ofcourse if the shoes fit feel free to lace the bitch up.
            However I couldn’t help but notice the struggle to be seen by the other people, those that continue to encourage this foolish old troll…

            Biko!! association of unfortunate people!!! ??????? leave me alone!! ?????

          • ambivalentone
            December 23, 18:41 Reply

            Hian!!! Why amala??? That wonderful food made from heaven? Keredim, so ara e gidi gaan

            • Brian Collins
              December 23, 18:58 Reply

              I say ehn, amala that my grandmother eats with gusto. Uncle Mere abeg choose another food o. Provided the heart attack still comes at the end of it.

          • MagDiva
            December 25, 10:36 Reply

            †☁DEAD☁†

            In fact, bloody cremated ??

  19. Danish
    December 23, 12:26 Reply

    I am a visitor in warri right now. abeg does anyone know any happening spot for lgbt activities?

  20. Francis
    December 23, 14:33 Reply

    The comments today sha. ??? Nice entry as always Dennis.

  21. Danish
    December 23, 15:28 Reply

    Karishika? na so warri bad reach?

  22. Dennis Macaulay
    December 23, 16:04 Reply

    Teflondon you have read this journal long enough to know that responding to insults is not my style so I would let your silliness slide. However you talk about being a nuisance in the comment section? Well you take the cake on that one.

    Again I talk about taking time to read, which I do agree is difficult when you are a certain size, but try it’s not impossible. A lot of readers saw when I mentioned that the boy was an intern but you missed it. If those of us who are 50+ can read surely it can’t be very hard for a 20+ guy to read even when he is obese can it?

    Also figure out the difference between advise and advice and know when to use them because it will make it easier to read your comments.

    The last thing I want to do is argue with you lest you eat me, so If you want this to continue you will have to type mine and yours.

    You know I am 50+ so let me go and exercise to stay healthy, exercise? Oh yea I forgot strange words you cannot identify with.

    Happy Holidays Tef!

    • Mandy
      December 23, 16:33 Reply

      Dang! Even Dennis got nasty! LMAO!

    • Teflondon
      December 23, 19:11 Reply

      I will no longer contribute to this cheap attempt at garnering more comments for your post.

      However I’ll leave with this, I wasn’t inferring to you being 50+ of cause I know you are in your late 30’s or something like that (whatever I don’t care) but trust me I’ll understand why you would think what I said was directed at you. I mean if I was bald too, any mention of old age around me would make me shiver and tremble.
      You don’t fancy me, I don’t fancy you. No Love lost really.

      But I do hope I wouldn’t have to be living on a blog at 30 years. It’s just wrong. People are achieving out there, making a real difference. And here you are Reveling in the fact that you a KD celeb who writes make-believe rants. Ndo!

      In the spirit of Kumbaya..
      Have a great holiday and Merry Xmas to you too Dennis.

      • Brian Collins
        December 23, 20:11 Reply

        Pinky no ves o, i gas be o do this.
        @TefIdioro. Oloshi, oponu jati jati. See him talking about living on a blog at 30. Linda Ikeji will feed you wella with the stupid change you steal from your fada everyday. Does anyone know the real name of this diabolically cursed bufoon? So I can avoid anyone who bears it. So I don’t by any chance get to have anything to do with his crazy. You are officially the worst by every terrible standard there is.

  23. Mr. Fingers
    December 23, 17:37 Reply

    Smh too many claws out today. I will come back tomorrow.

  24. bountyhunter
    December 23, 17:56 Reply

    whatever happened to I don’t reply insults? just say you select people you feel you can take on. wait oh! we have a quinquagenarian on this blog? I’m in my 20s but I can’t imagine myself exchanging insults with people on a blog in 5years time. it’s unthinkable!
    this is all ‘in my opinion’ so….

  25. drizzle
    December 23, 20:41 Reply

    I do not share my Tekno with anyone, Dm be warned.
    what if Mr Smile was reading this rants?

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