RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 39)
I was at a dinner party the other day hosted by an old friend of mine. You know when there is plenty food and alcohol, conversations tend to flow faster and alcohol especially makes people very honest. In the course of the conversation we were having, someone’s phone rang. It was a friend of ours calling to offer his regrets for not being able to join us that evening. Now this dinner was not held in Port Harcourt; it was hosted in a town I was visiting and that night was like the only free evening I had to see all of my friends who live in that city.
After the call was disconnected and the person who took the call explained who he just spoke to, someone said, “That hoe! I am certain it’s a man he is with. Bitch chose a man over us, as always.”
I was starting to say something, but someone cut me off, saying, “No vex, Mr. Political Correctness. I know you will jump to his defense, but some things still need to be said, Dennis. And Eric is a hoe.”
I laughed really hard and of course went into my sermon about how there is no such thing as a hoe, stating that humans are built with different levels of sex drive; some need more and some need less, that’s all. Sex is after all nothing to be ashamed of. So except you made a commitment to someone and you break it by cheating, nothing is wrong with having sex.
One of my friends at the table was kind of lost in thought while I was arguing my point, but he eventually spoke and told me that sometimes being a hoe was not a good thing, and that it does have consequences, clarifying that such consequences are however not health related, as we all thought. He told us of a guy whom he really, really liked and in whom he was certain he had found his one true love. The feelings were mutual and they were going smoothly on cruise control until one evening, he met up with the guy after work one evening at a bar, to see him with a friend, a friend he himself had had sex with multiple times with orgies thrown in the mix somewhere.
He said that after that encounter, his lovey-dovey, soon-to-be boyfriend became cold and distant and their communication slowly began to break down. He later confronted him and the guy told him that he had been around the block too much for him to consider a future with him, that he hated the idea of walking into a room with him and having to wonder who had had him and who had not, therefore he would rather not date him. He said it was the most hurtful thing anyone had ever said to him in his life. As such, to him, there were disadvantages to being a hoe after all.
I saw that he was hurt so I refrained from saying something nasty. I however told him that any man who truly loves him would not be interested in his past, and certainly has no reason to question him about things that happened before they met.
*
When I got back to PH, another friend of mine picked me up and was ferrying me home. I was so glad he volunteered to pick me up because PH cab drivers can like to suck blood for Africa. We were driving back into town and he started gushing about his new relationship, how he loved the guy and was happy, yada, yada, yada.
I asked him if he had told the guy that he loved him, and he was like, “Unto wetin na?”
I was startled and asked why. He made a face at me, before going on to school me on Love 101. He said that love is about power and is a battlefield; and as such, the one who declares love first hands the power over to the opponent (yes, he actually used the word ‘opponent’) and becomes a lesser partner in the equation. He would therefore not be the first person to blink and relinquish his power. He would hold out for as long as it takes.
I was half amused and half irritated by his logic. Battlefield? Really? Chai! This is the main reason why relationships are collapsing left, right and centre. I remember once when I was discussing with a friend and I told him that my relationships with women in the past had been way easier because the stereotypes made them easier (I hate to admit that). With women, roles were assigned (naturally) and things kind of flowed easily. With men however? (Deep sigh) It is a very complicated process mostly because of male ego and male privilege, and this here was classic male ego playing out. Two people who were clearly in love were holding back from making pronouncements because they each don’t want to relinquish some fictional power.
I called his name three times in classic Nollywood style and told him that love is very difficult to find, especially in the gayborhood with gay men and their penchant for shiny objects. So if you manage to find someone worth it, do not ruin it by playing some power game, because at the end of the day, when it collapses like a pack of cards, you will have yourself to blame.
*
I believe that the universe has rules; many rules. Some rules are written in the constitution of nations and some rules are unwritten but binding too. For instance, you don’t sleep with somebody’s husband, even if he is coming on to you; that is a basic rule of the universe that everybody should obey. Today however I am not talking about marriage and sleeping with married men. I want to talk about a different rule set by the orishas of this universe.
It was a friend’s birthday and he had a party at his parents’ house where he lived. The guests were a mix of gay and straight people. His colleagues were there, some family members, and then brothers and sisters of the gayborhood. I found myself a good spot at the tea corner; you know every party has the table/corner where all the tea flowing at that party is served, and Lord knows I love me some good tea. So I was in the middle of another tea drinking session with my goons, when one of my friends walked into the house and my face lit up instantly. We go way back but due to pressures of work and all, we barely catch up. When I leaned forward to give him a boisterous greeting, I saw that he had a guest; my ex-boyfriend.
Do not date your friend’s Exs! Isn’t that one of the rules of the universe? And the nerve! To bring my ex to a party you know that I’d probably be attending? Without giving me the heads up! How do you even date your friend’s ex-boyfriend? Like, is that even fair? Where is the loyalty, man? I was very upset, quite frankly. And it was even more upsetting because he’d met my ex while I was with him. I was just offended by it all.
Maybe I come across as petty, and so I’d like to get everybody’s take on this. Is it okay to date your friend’s ex? Without even telling him? Do you think “Do not date your friend’s ex” is a valid rule of the universe? I’d like you guys to weigh in on this issue.
*
Finally I had a great day on twitter yesterday. Did anybody see that trailer that went to jam the OAP, Gbemi Olateru-Olagbegi? OMG! I died laughing. Moral of the story: Do not throw shade at Yoruba demons, they are not smiling lol
XOXO
DM
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58 Comments
#Chestnut
January 27, 07:11Dennis,are u a learner? So u don’t know that love is a battle-field?(At least in d naija gaybourhood). It’s not about “male ego”; it’s abt human ego (which seems to be sky-high,in naija gay guys).tell someone u adore and can’t live without them,and they get toooo comfortable(in a bad way)…or they get uncomfortable.
I’d feel weird dating my friend’s ex sha. We would have to be in hiding forever!
That Gbemi drama gave me life sha! My bodi just dey vibrate as I dey read the clap-back,like say dem go give me award,lol. I’m loving those brothers, kojo and oloko (or something…I haven’t crammed their names yet) already.if I ever get on the gram,they’re d first ppl I’ll follow.lol. These yoruba demons don’t even play at all!
Dennis Macaulay
January 27, 07:27Aswear! Ondo boys have no chill whatsoever
Thompson
January 27, 09:44First of the issue of fighting for power In a relationship is so wrong and most ppl who do dat have either been hurt one to many times (in which case I don’t really blame dem) or have no freaking idea wat love is, it’s just fucked up either way
Aa for ur friend (dats if u should still call him dat) dating ur ex, well yes rationally nothing is wrong with it but who gives a damn about being rational. It’s all 50shades of fucked up like he didn’t even consider ur feelings just did wat wanted. And not even telling u about it and ambushing u is a whole other crime. With some friends one clearly doesn’t need enemies. That’s my 2cents?
Promise4all
January 27, 07:38The way Dennis was feeling 1 kain, when I said he was my KD god.
Your Ex’s case can be related to how much I hate cofee, but you can Invent for it. and how much Jonathan is Buhari’s ex but we are loving Jonathan.
Dennis Macaulay
January 27, 07:49How do you know I drink coffee?
#AskingForMyPeaceOfMind
Promise4all
January 27, 08:09from the confessions you made before and afta “The divorce of the Dennis Macaulays”
pete
January 27, 07:23DM, there are no set formulas for relationships. What worked for one may be disastrous for another. Why can’t your friend dat your EX? You two are no longer together & they found each other companionable. It may be awkward but with time, it’ll be nothing unless you’re still pinning for your ex.
Dennis Macaulay
January 27, 07:29Of all the men in PH? It is my ex boyfriend you will pick? And you think that’s cool? Mbanu
#Chestnut
January 27, 07:31@DM: shebi they said Love doesn’t ask “why” and it doesn’t think twice. Lol
NaughtyMallam
January 27, 09:46“………love is very difficult to find, especially in the gayborhood with gay men and their penchant for shiny objects.” That was your advice to someone else no?
#Chestnut
January 27, 07:30@Pete: hmm…now that u put it that way…*picks fone to dial a certain number*…
Dennis Macaulay
January 27, 07:31De dialling number ooo you hear!
Sha dial my ex and me and you will fight
Max 2.0
January 27, 08:08Like Pete said, if they find each other compatible, what’s wrong with that? Unless you’re still into him.
JArch
January 27, 07:32Shey Jordin Sparks sang something about love being like a battle field. Your friend’s ego is just amusing sha. When the said bae now dumps him because of lack of affection, he’ll now go behind his back and tag him a hoe or being too clingy. Just you watch and see.
As for someone dating my ex, I won’t even break a nail over it…. Mama always said that we should share our old toys with the less privileged… You’d better learn to do the same.
A large portion of that clap back with Gbemi was just unnecessary. But then he said, she’s been subbing he and his brother for a while now. The screenshot alone with Tunde Demuren’s invite was more than enough. Bringing your family history into the mix and how you made $500k at 23 just seems petty to me. Bottom line is she’s a princess and you can’t take that shine away from her, even if you made $1m at 16yrs old and your godfather is Shehu Shargari
Dennis Macaulay
January 27, 07:40My dear oge adiroh! Live is hard to find, if you find it nurture it, do not break it over some stupid power play.
Oya now that you hook up with my ex whom I had a nasty breakup with, when we have boy’s night you bring him too? You hang in our social circle too? With him? Naaaaa not cool!
About those brothers, their response was lacking in class and was typical chauvinistic Nigerian male behavior. What has her marital status got to do with it? Last last they are local boys as clearly money cannot buy class. Gbemi’s grandfather was an Olowo of Owo! Babe is OLD MONEY, so bringing what they have into it was not necessary.
However I was sort of happy became Gbemi does not mind her business, so she has learnt a lesson. #FaceYourFront2016
#Chestnut
January 27, 07:43Yimu! Princess wey dey find person trouble abi? Is she d only princess we have? Have u ever seen Snow white throwing shade? Have u ever heard that Rapunzel bullied someone on twitter? Or Sleeping beauty? Or Pocahontas? Gbemi got “royally” served biko! Those boys were petty,yes,but na sha start am and she had it coming!
ambivalentone
January 27, 08:54I had to go thru twitter to source their ‘letters’ on IG. While Gbemi’s job description prolly is to be lousy, I saw no reason whatsoever for dem boys to be. Proud, boastful classless and empty money bags. I do hope Buhari comes calling.
bruno
January 27, 07:43“humans are built with different levels of sex drive; some need more and some need less, that’s all. Sex is after all nothing to be ashamed of. So except you made a commitment to someone and you break it by cheating, nothing is wrong with having sex.”… this right here is the word of god!… if someone would not date you because of who you’ve had sex with in the past, they are clearly not the person for you. no big loss there… keep in mind though, you are responsible for your choices and need to take ownership of their consequences. if you know you would be terribly ashamed if the word of your sexual activity got out, then you should probably not be doing it in the first place.
i don’t think it’s very fair to place an “embargo” on someone just because you’ve dated them in the past. i think the decent thing to do wold be to tell me before you start seeing my ex. and the decent thing for me to do would be to give you the go ahead regardless of how i feel.
if you find yourself wielding some sort of power in a relationship because your partner is madly in love with you and are freely expressing it, don’t abuse the power otherwise you would lose it.
Dennis Macaulay
January 27, 07:57This right here is the gospel!
Pink Panther
January 27, 17:54i don’t think it’s very fair to place an “embargo” on someone just because you’ve dated them in the past. i think the decent thing to do wold be to tell me before you start seeing my ex. and the decent thing for me to do would be to give you the go ahead regardless of how i feel.’
Did you get all that part in the ‘gospel’? 🙂
Francis
January 27, 09:08Bros good morning, abeg I’ve been meaning to ask are you Bella Naija’s Bruno? #JustMightyCurious
bruno
January 27, 09:12no, ‘bros’. i don’t visit the site.
Francis
January 27, 09:14Ok ?☺
ambivalentone
January 27, 07:57But my question is “Since u have dated half of PH, propositioned a quarter and are eyeing the rest, how does one know who is not ‘ex’ enough to date?” #AskingForMyPeaceOfMind
Dennis Macaulay
January 27, 08:01Your head there!
Anumpam!
#Chestnut
January 27, 08:07Hahahahahahaha!!!! Ambi noooooo!!! Why nau? #iCriedRealTears
Max 2.0
January 27, 08:10Touché @Trystham ????
Jon Snow
January 27, 08:15that was below the belt ?????
Francis
January 27, 09:02And just like that DM is crowned king of PH “hoes”. ????
Max 2.0
January 27, 08:03“He made a face at me, before going on to school me on Love 101. He said that love is about power and is a battlefield; and as such, the one who declares love first hands the power over to the opponent (yes, he actually used the word ‘opponent’) and becomes a lesser partner in the equation. He would therefore not be the first person to blink and relinquish his power. He would hold out for as long as it takes.”
<<< This right here is why many people destroy the beautiful thing they have. This and IH too, yes that's a major factor.
Oh and about dating a friend's ex, I don't see nothing wrong with that. If you think about it rationally, there's nothing wrong. But we humans are largely irrational, so with sentimental thinking, there's something wrong with it. Oh and btw, you shouldn't be angry about it if you don't give a shit about the ex anymore, it'll only hurt if you still give a fuck about them.
Dennis Macaulay
January 27, 08:09Sha don’t date my Ex Max!
If not me and you will wrestle! You kuku don’t have flesh, so breaking your bones will be very easy
Max 2.0
January 27, 08:15Honey, I’m having a swell time with bae, and I don’t plan on dating anyone else ever again.. ??
pete
January 27, 08:48Now, I know why Max seems different. DM, who’s in charge of our pink agbada?
Francis
January 27, 09:00Aaaaaaaw. ??
Pink Panther
January 27, 09:17That awkward moment when Max introduces DM to his Bae and he turns out to be another one of DM’s exes. 😀
Max 2.0
January 27, 09:58????.. Biko before you’ll open my nyash on express road, I’d like to formally clarify that I’m not dating any KDian’s ex..
*unlooks*
Pink Panther
January 27, 12:13Uh huh, sure Max. Bae stepped right into existence and into your arms, huh? 🙂 No pit-stops on the way, yea?
Dennis Macaulay
January 27, 10:02Wait Pink Panther ; “another one of his Exs”?
Are you implying that the list is long?
Max 2.0
January 27, 10:14Yes he is. And I’m sure you’re gunning for a tea spilling right now. So here, take the hot water. @PP, say yes so the tea spilling can begin…
@Deola and co, ya’ll are invited ?, I’m bringing the sugar as usual.
Pink Panther
January 27, 12:03Ain’t you the pitakwa lord again, eh DM?
Max 2.0
January 27, 12:56@PP, check my paraphrasing well, I said “No KDians’ ex”☺
Jon Snow
January 27, 08:51On the issue of being around the block…most times, it is the “bottoms” that are victims of “sex shaming” you rarely ever find tops being given that “hoe” hashtag, which is quite funny because it takes two parties to have sex.
And don’t you aught to have gone around the block yourself for you to know who’s been around the block???
SMH
iamcoy
January 27, 15:56I am sorry jon snow you just shamed bottoms by putting them in inverted commas and not extending the courtesy to tops.
Francis
January 27, 08:58It takes a very secure and trusting person to date someone who has been around the block plenty times. The last thing one needs is to be obsessing over the possibility that you are still secretly banging the entire block.
Shout out to all the honest “hoes” out there for keeping it real and not playing with any one’s emotions.
With regards to dating your friend’s ex, it might feel a bit weird at first especially if you’ve been bitching about the ex to him in the past but like others said if you don’t have any residual feelings, just let go. Now if the break up was a MESSY one and I’m still hurting from it, biko we’d have to reevaluate that our friendship.
I love you don teach me lesson so I never say it unless I’m 200% sure it’s not a feeling that will change when I wake the next day.
That Gbemi wahala was a mess. Grown ass men ranting like agbayas and to think one of them is possibly a psychologist. How are patients expected to trust you after that mess? Don’t get me wrong, its fine to react when someone hurts you but reaction dey get limits depending on your social status. Like some folks noticed, they didn’t even rope Toolz in as na she start the wahala by dropping the gist for Gbemi. Come to think of it sef, Gbemi and Toolz didn’t drop names so if the brothers felt they were referring to them that means they actually grovelled for the invite they were brandishing on IG.
The thirst to be a celeb in this country don dey reach Hollywood level.
Max 2.0
January 27, 09:19Your paranoia is just as unnerving as it is funny ???.
Jon Snow
January 27, 09:20the million dollar question is now
“who hasn’t been around the block”
…cos saying since one has gone round the block therefore you can’t date him, when you’re not “fresh on the runway” yourself is just a case of pot Vs kettle.
The gay community is a very small one remember???
Francis
January 27, 09:40My own definition of been around the block na pipul with some serious jaw dropping body count that leaves you wondering if you can keep them FOCUSED on you for a minute.
These days I wonder about that “the gay (LGBT) community is a small one”. If folks were truly honest about their orientation, the community suppose big small.
bruno
January 27, 09:39so you think someone who hasn’t “been around the block” – whatever that means – won’t cheat on you? your naivety is cute to observe.
Francis
January 27, 09:46Bia I didn’t say that oh…..though my statement kinda implied that sha. Hoes and non-hoes cheat. Don’t mind my insecurities biko
Alves
January 27, 09:15Your friend may be right. I know how many times I have received that ‘he said he loves me, so I’ll treat him like trash’ look. But treating me like trash, means I’ll dump your sorry ass. Still looking for someone to say it to, without shame.
Delle
January 27, 11:28I won’t lie, I’m kinda guilty when it comes to the ‘first to profess love thingy’. I always (always) wait for the other person to come unto me. It’s not about the male privilege thing, it more like I see myself as a someone who commits to a relationship and waiting on someone to make the first move just makes me understand the extent to which your seriousness goes, well until I recently voiced my thoughts and PP and Max decended on me, lightly anyway. So I feel right now, my orientation has changed. After all, this should be one of the advantages of being gay. No matter your preference in bed, we can’t deny the fact that there’s no female in the relationship, so that ‘first to make a move’ is just balderdash.
And no, it’s not right for one to date his friend’s ex except of course, he was granted permission to do so by the friend (which I think rarely happens). Another scenario could be the friend (that’s the one presently with the ex) may not have known it’s an ex of a friend, but if it’s known that this guy is the ex of your friend, don’t go for him. What’s the difference between that and sleeping with your friend’s bf? Betrayal is the word.
The complications and sensitivity are just more than a handful. No one wants that, no matter how sincere your intentions are.
D-boy
January 27, 12:42I think the best one can do is give your friend a heads up that things are getting serious. This small community, you wan dey ask permission?
I remember reading that thread of you waiting to be ‘Come unto’. I won’t lie, I have too much pride to be seen as thirsty and every one I have ever been with has come unto me. I guess we both need to change in that aspect.
This hoe issue, no be DM talk say e want person wey never waka too much. Oga ya changing mouth na.
Are we really judging the guy for leaving that relationship? If I start dating someone who has a raging libido and has been around and even done threesomes (something I may never ever participate in) I wee be very skeptical too. Before you go and break my heart or I break mine with my insecurities.
Delle
January 27, 13:40Abi o, them hoes aint loyal. For us to have a stable relationship, I think we both have to be at par when it comes to sexcapades and all.
About that issue of waiting to be come unto, well I’m learning pretty fast. Just give them an accessible countenance and let them play ball…it’s that simple. So if you are lagging behind, D-boy, catch up pretty fast. *winks*
simba
January 27, 13:03If u date my ex…count urself unfriended. Because ur loyalty will shift … so I ‘ll rather look for another friend to clap back
Dennis Macaulay
January 27, 15:37Biko doc where can I kiss you for this?
Pink Panther
January 27, 17:58So someone will ask you ‘why aren’t you two friends anymore?’ And you’ll keep a straight face when saying ‘Becos he’s dating my ex’. And you think Angel Gabriel will let you walk into heaven, ehkwa? #ExHoardersAreHellCandidates
Brian Collins
January 27, 21:12That was how two of my friends went to sleep with my first boyfriend almost right after they found out about our nasty breakup. True, he was a catch but he was very much a jerk. I was very upset for a long time. No one should do that to their friend.
Sensei
January 28, 13:23Abeg which trailer ooo