Eez Positive I Positive! I No Kill Person! (Episode 3)

Eez Positive I Positive! I No Kill Person! (Episode 3)

We were walking down the lawn tennis court, fingers intertwined, enjoying the cool night breeze and the silence around us. It had been three weeks since Eddie asked me to be his boyfriend, two weeks since I said yes. And I knew I was already losing my nonexistent heart to this man-child. It was scary, yet thrilling. But, I knew I needed to tell him. I just didn’t know how to go about it.

Then, a thought came to my head. He likes stories. Tell him one.

I quickly got into my element. I heaved a few heavy sighs. By the third sigh, he grabbed me around my waist and asked what was wrong. After dillydallying for some time, I launched into this narrative about a friend who called that afternoon asking for my advice. I told him that this friend of mine was HIV positive and that he’d been single for quite some time. And that, recently, he’d met someone who he really liked and wanted to ask out.  But that he was confused as to how to go about it. That he was torn over deciding to tell this potential boyfriend about his health status or to just keep quiet about it. And that I too was confused by the whole situation and didn’t know what advice to give him.

When I was done, Eddie looked askance at me. And he asked why I was confused. I was about to answer when he rushed into a narrative of how he could never date a HIV positive person, how he was already susceptible to falling ill quickly, how he wouldn’t see fire and walk into it. He said I had a duty to tell my friend to leave, in his words, “that poor, innocent guy alone” and either find someone who was HIV positive like him to date or simply stay single.

He talked for a long time. And every word he said sent daggers into my chest. I could hear the voices of my two best friends, Delle and Bloom, in my head, chanting, “Dump his ass, now!” I felt the heat of his words on my skin. And, for the first time in over fifteen months of finding out I was HIV positive, I felt ashamed and guilty. Not because I’d done anything wrong.

But just because I was poz.

I silently thanked the Fates that we hadn’t had sex yet. We’d decided to wait till our third month of being together before having sex. All we’d done was kiss and jerk each other off. The reason I suggested waiting was, I told myself, because with him being nineteen and five years younger than me, I wanted to give him space to grow into the relationship.

But that was just bullshit. I just didn’t understand why I wanted us to wait. That night at the lawn tennis court, however, I could see the invisible wizened hands of the Fates, spinning their threads in a pattern that was meant to make me escape being hurt.

I knew I had to end what we had. But I really liked him. And I knew he really liked me. So, I decided to brave it, to stay with him and try to teach him about the struggles and humanity and validity of HIV positive people. That decision made, I swung right back into my relationship, enjoying every moment I spent with him, the silly texts we sent to each other all the time, the way his scent lingered on my clothes after he hugged me.

I was enjoying myself so much and falling deeper in love with him.

And then, the Fates decided to step in. Those three cruel sisters were probably thinking: If he’s not going to do what needs to be done, we’ll do it for him.

On our first month anniversary, we had a dinner date. After that, we took a walk around school, talking about a lot of different things. One topic led to another and then he was telling me about his ex-girlfriend. I knew about the relationship. I knew when they broke up, a few weeks before he and I got together. I even knew the circumstances surrounding their breakup. What I didn’t expect was my boyfriend telling me that he’d patched things up with her that afternoon and that they were dating once again.

I felt my heart turn to shards of glass right there. In my head, I could hear the singsong voices screaming, “We told you! We told you!” I could barely listen as he said several things about how he had needs I couldn’t fulfill, that he didn’t want to lose me, that I was the one he loved, that his heart still belonged to me. I couldn’t hear him.

All I could do was tell him it was over between us. And I turned and walked away.

And as I walked, I felt hot tears burning my cheeks. I heard the loud mocking voices ringing in my head, telling me how Eddie had done the right thing for himself by leaving me for his ex-girlfriend.

The only response I could come up with in my head was, “Eez positive I positive. I nor kill person!”

Written by Mitch

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  1. Bloom
    August 31, 12:02 Reply

    That boy was nothing short of a child at that time. Big confused baby. Sorry you had to fall so hard for him.

    • Mitch
      August 31, 16:37 Reply

      You people didn’t wanna let me rest that period, constantly telling me it was gonna end in tears. But did I listen? Mbanu!!

  2. Black Dynasty
    August 31, 21:18 Reply

    Sighs, life and it’s funny way of forcing your hand when you’d really rather maintain the status quo.

    On the plus side, it helped rid you of what would most likely have been a really terrible break up when he eventually found out. He was still but a boy mentally.

    • Mitch
      August 31, 21:41 Reply

      I think it was a good thing we broke up when we did. Lord knows you’re right. If he’d found out when we were together, it would have turned really nasty.

      Still, part of me wonders if we wouldn’t have made something beautiful had I persisted. Stupid thought, I know. But, it is what it is.

      • S.Freude
        September 01, 07:28 Reply

        Your thoughts are valid; love, true love can work wonders. Though the possibilities in this scenario are slim.

  3. Quinn
    September 04, 17:12 Reply

    It’s never a matter of age, it’s just a matter of how deep the prejudice is, or how blind to their believe..just chalk it up as one of those “coulda,woulda, maybe” situation

  4. Mandy
    September 08, 06:23 Reply

    It’s very clear that you two were not meant to work out. Whenever trauma exists, I have come to realize that the people in the life of the person suffering the trauma exists for different purposes. Eddie probably existed to remind you to not rely on the love of a man to make yourself feel better about who you are as a poz person.
    Keep staying awesome, Mitch.

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