RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 43)
I was grabbing a beer with my friends the other day at a bar; we don’t see as often as we used to see (pressures of life, yes?) so some of these moments are very precious, even if it’s just eating pizzas and sharing bouts of beer-fuelled laughter. A guy later came into the bar with his own clique of friends, but because he knew most of us on our table, he came over to shake hands and say hello. To my right was sitting a close pal of mine (you know how you often have inner caucuses amongst friends), and I did not miss the tension between him and the newcomer when they shook hands. In fact my friend considered the hand for a quarter of a second before accepting it and I knew there was a story there.
The guy left and went to his table, and I asked my friend what the drama was about, and he said that the guy was a “boyfriend snatcher”. And I heaved a very sarcastic sigh at the mention of that phrase. (I will explain why but just hold that thought).
I belong to a fitness group and we have a whatsapp thread where we motivate one another and keep track of events. Occasionally people share jokes and some busybody will share Rhapsody of Realities devotional (you know how Nigerians never seem to know where the boundaries are). So one day a woman shared a picture which was a picture of a young girl with the caption: “HUSBAND SNATCHER, IF YOU SEE HER WITH YOUR HUSBAND BEAT HER…” or something along those lines. Apparently she had lifted it from Instagram and thought it was funny enough to be shared on the group. Most people on the group found it funny, but I did not. I let them know that unless they can prove that she bound the man on his wrists and legs and ran away with him, hoisted over her shoulder, then the man is just as guilty. This narrative of (married) men as innocent lambs preyed upon by single women is disgusting because it takes two to tango. So rather than asking single girls to leave married men alone, why not tell married men to face their marriages. A few people agreed with me, many did not; but my point was very clear.
Now back to my friend, after he revealed why he did not like the guy, I told him to please keep mute. I continued, “It’s simple, you had a boyfriend who violated your trust, who cheated on you and strayed from your relationship, and here you are somehow exonerating him of all blame and heaping them on the other party.” He clarified that this guy knew about his existence and I said, “Well that was bad, but nobody snatched your boyfriend. Rather your boyfriend made a very conscious choice to be with another person, breaking his commitment to you. He was not snatched from you, neither was he kidnapped. He made a very terrible choice out of his own free will and you should apportion blames appropriately.”
Guys, I’d like to know your thoughts on this snatching drama.
*
I was chatting up an old friend on BBM recently; he had moved from Onitsha to Abuja for NYSC so I was gisting with him on how he was adjusting to a new city after living his entire life in Onitsha and all. He said he would remain in Abuja after NYSC and I told him it was a good idea, as the city would have better employment prospects for him after NYSC. He agreed. He however said something else that caught my attention which I would like to share with you guys.
He said that Abuja is a better city for a gay man, and I agreed, saying that he could build a good network of gay men who can come handy for job hunting or running a business. He demurred, saying that that wasn’t what he meant. He said that Onitsha is a small town and one can easily get a reputation as the community slut, unlike Abuja that is a very big metropolis. This was very disturbing to me because I had heard a lot of people say this recently; about how they are so cautious to protect their “reputation” that they fail to even live their lives.
I told him that people will always talk and that it doesn’t matter, just do what makes you happy and be free. He disagreed, saying that in a small town, people could easily get tagged and before you know it, your relationship crumbles when your boyfriend hears gist about you. He went on and on about how Abuja is the best place for him not to have a reputation and all, and to be honest, this worried me. This is a narrative I hear all the time, so let me make a few observations and comments on this issue:
1.It’s the Bottoms who get shamed only, while the Tops are revered like some sex gods who deliver “top quality service” (sorry, Trystham, I couldn’t resist). This is one of the reasons I don’t believe or subscribe to roles, because they are often then demarcated along the lines of gender archetypes. You know in the world we live today, only women get shamed for sex; Kim Kardashian is regarded as the “whore of Hollywood”, but nobody shames the man she shot the sex tape with, or the other men she has been with. Gay men have also bought into this destructive narrative.
2. Contrary to what my friend believes, you can get a reputation (as it were) in any town whether big or small. As large as Lagos is, there are some names that have been tagged whores; so a big city will not offer you any refuge more than a small city. The solution? JUST DO YOU AND FORGET WHAT PEOPLE SAY.
3. People actually make up stuff that did not happen to increase their street cred. There have been more than a few occasions I heard I’d had sex with a particular person, sex I don’t remember having because I’d never met such a person in my life. So how do you control this kind of rumor? You don’t. YOU SIMPLY GO ON DOING WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS TALK.
4. If a man says he will not be with you because of things that happened before you met him, well that’s not the kind of man you need in your life, to be honest. Maybe because I am very old (I mean I will be 30 this year lol), but these things are no biggie. They simply do not matter to me. At every point I ask three questions: Do I like it? Does it make me happy? Is it (logically) hurting someone?
And if the answers are YES, YES and NO, I go ahead and do it. Feel free to form judge and jury over my matter, na you go still taya.
*
Many people do not actually know that DM is technically, actually my name; Dennis is my middle name and Macaulay is a second surname in my family which we all considered changing to at one point before the idea was ditched. Anyway, I use DM in other places as well as KD; to check into hotels where I don’t want to give my real name, on several e-commerce shopping lists and to ambitious direct sales agents who stalk me in shopping malls.
So I was in Lagos recently on a work trip and checked into a hotel using DM as my guest name. For a brief moment, I saw a look on the face of the guest relations manager, but I wasn’t certain what the look was about. I went up to my room and he made sure I was very comfortable; helped me change rooms to the one that had the best view of Ikeja. He was giving me very good attention (the customer service kind) and I began to suspect that not all guests get this kind of attention lol.
Eventually I found out that he is a KD reader and he was quite surprised when he heard me mention the name “Dennis Macaulay” upon arrival. He was convinced it wasn’t a coincidence lol; anyway he went on to make my stay very pleasant (not that kind of pleasant, get your minds out of the gutter) and I will say I have made a very good friend. It is always good to see how readers of this blog perceive my persona, and personally I grow by receiving criticisms – criticisms, not vitriol. Vitriol does nothing for or to me.
So bros, I know you are reading. This is a bit of a shout-out to you plus a thank you! Namaste!
See you guys next week!
PS: Are we following the US elections? Are we excited or na? #Hillary2016
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33 Comments
Vigra
March 02, 07:13The only post that brings me to KD is ROARGN. I love Dennis although he is yet to notice.
Pink Panther
March 02, 07:14Well, it’s safe to say he knows now.
Dennis Macaulay
March 02, 08:04Hey Viagra!
Sorry Vigra
pete
March 02, 07:30DM, I know you’ve changed now but in one of your earliest post, you said something about wanting someone ‘off the runway’ & not a slut. Many are still stuck in such mindset.
I’m still yet to get my head around someone snatching your partner like the other person was taken against his/her will.
As I also make business trips to Lagos, gimme name of the hotel. I love patronising KDs & their businesses. Did that come out wrong?
Alves
March 02, 07:38‘ 4. If a man says he will not be with you
because of things that happened before you met
him, well that’s not the kind of man you need in
your life, to be honest.’ But you also said you need someone fresh off the runway? Asking for the fact that you made someone feel like a slut, when in those very words you don’t care.
Mandy
March 02, 07:50lol. The moment I read that segment of this entry where DM was rubbishing the notion of people’s opinions about other’s active sex lives, I knew that one time entry of his ‘around the block’ guy would come here to bite him in the ass. KDians never forget. LOL!
But Alves, change is the constant thing in human nature. His ideals may have changed, as is obvious in this post.
Dennis Macaulay
March 02, 08:05Hillary supported a White segregationist in 1969! Today she has 70percent of the black vote
Alves
March 02, 08:14I’m not asking about Hilary, I’m asking about you. When you like someone, you would want to know such little details.
sensei
March 04, 01:23Something flew over someone’s head! Ahahaha!
Mandy
March 02, 07:54I saw that news item about the husband snatching girl when it trended. I too wondered why the girl was getting maligned online when the husband she allegedly snatched was willing to be snatched. The exoneration and enablement women give to men eh, it’s disgusting sometimes.
And oh, so now you’re a champion of Hillary? What, no one wants to join ranks with Caitlyn Jenner and hail the Republicans?
Dennis Macaulay
March 02, 08:07Republicans that will defund planned parenthood, repeal obamacare and try and overturn the Gay marriage ruling! I am not an American, but the diff is clear
ambivalentone
March 02, 08:00Minus the fact that it aint too safe, this here is one of the reasons I never like to put my pics,online or on any media chat platform. Its soooo easy to get a REP. ‘I’ve seen him b4’ can quickly become ‘I know him and his family. Their house is on…’ to even ‘I’ve slept with him. His bugaina is loose o, his dick is like biro cover even’
Shaming or not, REP is EVERYTHING. I’d rather not be known to have slept with half of Lagos because I slept with someone who has slept with half of Lagos. I think for me, its the possibility that I might be lied about by association that gets to me.
I do agree with you that it takes two to tango, but several good slaps will push away an olojukokoro bf/husband. The power lies in the hands of the side chick to return the philandering husband home. And I say if u know the man has a ‘relationship’, if he will not stop pestering u, dry him out. Wreck his pocket and leave him. Report him to his partner. That one na huge deterrent sef. But sadly, even the potential side chics have a greater ojukokoro dan d husbands.
Pink Panther
March 02, 08:04Society’s target that marriage is the ultimate is the reason why a side chick will not do as you’ve said. It’s the reason why they’ll keep encouraging the philandering husband to come to their bed, because there’s hope that he won’t mind getting snatched, dumping his wife and putting a ring on theirs.
Dennis Macaulay
March 02, 08:03People change as they grow older!
I have made that point before!
Jamie
March 02, 08:23Husband snatcher is not so good a phrase to use!! Well, because like you said, if one wasn’t raped or kidnapped, they certainly agreed to have sex with the ”snatcher”. Normally, I never ever have fought anyone over a lover…I just say whatever I’ve got to say to the lover, or break up and face my front. It’s that easy a thing to do, cos if you’re mute to him, guess who next he’s now cheating on you with…!!!
Terra
March 02, 09:10“1.It’s the Bottoms who get shamed only, while the Tops are revered like some sex gods who deliver “top quality service””
God knows you’re right about this and it makes me sad.
Then about the boyfriend snatchers, I’ll leave a line from one of my favourite books, “Bossypants” by Tina Fey
“Of course I know now that nobody can steal a boyfriend against his will, not even Angelina Jolie ‘itself'”
That line cracks me up every time
Colossus
March 02, 11:24Finally! Someone mentions Bossy Pants by Tina Fey. Is that woman a goddess or what? Beautiful book, perfect in every word.
Terra
March 02, 12:04Amazing book. I got the audio book, narrated by Fey herself. I’ve listened to it at least 10 times. Her delivery with the jokes is amazing.
Max 2.1
March 02, 09:18Have a lot of bad stuff to say about this post, but I’ll just pass.
*yawns and gets back to work*
Quest
March 02, 09:22I beg to differ on the bf snatching issue…if I have someone I call my friend, I expect there to be some boundaries…this doesn’t exonerate the bf but the friend should know better. You don’t go after your friend’s boo even their exes in some cases. I believe it’s friend’s code and I wouldn’t have someone I call friend betray me like that it’s totally unacceptable.
Dennis Macaulay
March 02, 09:44The boo should not also let himself be come after! I am not exonorating the Friend, I am sharing the blames equally
Stein
March 02, 11:03Are you afraid of a special someone trying to get to know the real you?
Colossus
March 02, 11:33Abuja is a big town? Where do people get that notion from? In this Era of social media, there is no big town, every town is small. If you decide to sleep around, from Masaka to Kuchingoro, Lugbe to Asokoro, Maitama to Gwagwalada, you’ll definitely get the “reputation” you dread. You either get it or you won’t, either way you won’t die.
Is there a gay network to help get a job or promote your business? Why will I patronize you just for being gay? Yes, someone might have patronized me because of my sexuality but I didn’t ask for it and I didn’t encourage it. Your friend better not see his gay network as a business opportunity. If your business is good and people need it, they’ll patronize.
You’ll go have beer and pizza on Friday then punish yourself with exercise on Saturday? You really are a glutton for punishment.
teeboi
March 02, 13:08Abuja Straight…………….., Abeg Who get National assembly Address, Make I go Advertise….., Cuz I Dey Suspect some Senators……,.
#justteasing
Francis
March 02, 13:55Do boyfriend and husband snatchers exist? Yep, in my world they do. They’re the ones that will move mountains to get into any man’s pants baed up or not. Let’s face it, we are humans and some of us no dey very resilient in the face of certain pressures.
Quick question for those that love their sex and fear getting their reputation tarnished. Abeg would you date someone with a reputation?
Max 2.1
March 02, 17:49You mean dating a hoe/ex-hoe?
Francis
March 02, 17:55I didn’t use the word Hoe, Maxine ?
posh6666
March 02, 17:54Being that i’m very familiar with abj and a few other states I will say that abj isnt big at all and the cliqs are closely knitted.The moment you get to meet someone who is social and always in the social gay scene you will discover everyone knows each other and its upto you to behave yourself properly,hence your image gets tarnished real fast and you get alienated and snubbed.Loads of mean girls in the fct its all about the looks,what you do for a living and basically not being a pest/nuisance lol.
Pink Panther
March 03, 02:23Well, well… *in Maleficent’s voice*
DI-NAVY
March 02, 23:41Whoever said Abuja is big and u’ll make connections! Na today? I’m not trying to sound like a wet blanket anyways, but the truth of the matter is, what we heard before we came to Abuja isn’t what we’re seeing right about now! We all like the cozynesss of Abuja, the only people that nail it here are fair girl. I mean neatly bleached girls! If u’re queer and u’re waiting for a man to give u that juicy contract or job here! Sorry! Cos some guy’s been in the gae for years! Yet nothing to show for it. Put ur hope on God for a better job! Some some random gay guys! And hey! Abuja is so small like my village, and the slut shaming here is on the high side! Loads of cliques and i’m suprised my bf knew some names when I mention them. The guys in Abuja kiss and tell and they’ll promise you heaven and earth! All they do is to take advantage of a new resident and flock around you like waterside mosquitoes. He’ll be surprised that the person he’s waiting and hoping on to help him also wants someone else to help him. Slut shaming de everywhere, how do you avoid that? Mind the circle you roll with, don’t meet every Tom dick and harry in this town. If you’re queer, the only person who’ll help you in Abuja to get a good job is a Lady. I assure you! Not even a guy! Everybody’s keeping up appearances on here. Be wise. #my2cents
Philips Francis
March 03, 10:53Francis…. I really won’t say they are ‘boyfriend snatchers’ Lol, in as much as they would move mountains and turn water to wine to get into the pants of a man, he won’t force the man to unbuckle the belt or pull down those pants
some guys will try to hide under the umbrella of having blood running tru the course of their veins and couldn’t control their self.
I call that BULL….. in a relationship or not you would f**k who you wanna f**k so it’s safe to we have ‘snatchers’ and ‘snatchees’
peaches
March 03, 23:26U see why i like Uncle DM?, Shebi u people can see?…If u read his updates and you still dnt have even tiny common sense, hmmn, “you is a risky deal.” Thankyou Dennis, i just sent a courier of kisses n love to u.
sensei
March 04, 01:28Lol! Nice one as usual.