RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 56)
I recently read two of Chinelo Okparanta’s novels, Under the Udala Tree and Happiness Like Water, and I was blown away, particularly with the way she explored lesbianism and lifted the veil on religion. So I was sitting with a few people before a book reading event was scheduled to commence and we were chatting about books. Ms. Okparanta’s work came up and we started discussing it, and before long, the conversation became about homosexual relationships.
One girl said, “I really don’t understand lesbians. They are the silliest people ever! Like what do they even do? What they have – is it sex? Let me hear word please.”
This took me aback, because I’d often thought that in Nigeria, lesbians get somewhat of a free pass or, should I say, easy pass because many heterosexual Nigerian men appreciate the intimacy between women.
I was trying to make sense of what she was saying as she continued, “At least, I can understand the men. As much as I find it distasteful, they are able to have penetration. Lesbians are just being stupid, and what they have is not sex. Period! I was neither entertained nor amused by that novel.”
At first, I didn’t want to say anything; recently people have accused me of being a bully, they say I bully and intimidate people who don’t agree with me and that I like to shove my opinions down other people’s throats. I do know about the thing I like shoving into tight places, and it’s certainly not opinions, but I realize that people want to remain stupid and Sensei does say that stupid people are entitled to their stupidity.
However on this particular occasion, I couldn’t keep quiet.
I asked her if she was implying that sex is not sex until there is penetration. She said yes. It was amusing to me, because I also hear gay men say this; they’d make out with someone without penetration and insist they haven’t shagged the said person. I told her that she should assume she was married, and her husband got in bed with a curvy girl with big brezz and did everything with her outside of penetrating her, would she consider him to have cheated on her?
She looked at me, smiled and said okay fine, that I was right, but she still had reservations about same-sex relationships. After all they cannot procreate, and therefore aren’t valid. I laughed at this and reminded her that she was implying that couples who were infertile were in invalid marriages, and this would be the yardstick to judge women who have reached menopause, since the ability to procreate is the basis of validity.
So I asked the group to give me one non-religious argument against homosexuality and all I got was crickets. I laughed a Victoria Grayson victory laugh and the book reading finally started.
*
I want to ask a question. Can you be in an exclusive relationship with someone, love them and still cheat on them continuously? My friend is in a relationship with a boy he appears to love so much; he could literally move mountains for this boy, yet he cheats on him on the regular with different random boys, without of course the knowledge of his boyfriend.
As much as I like minding my business, I eventually brought it up with him over cold bottles of Heineken. He told me that there is a difference between love and sex and that they can be two parallel lines. He said you can love someone very much and still want to have sex with other people; that it doesn’t affect how you feel about the person you love. I am a bit traditional about certain things, so of course I disagreed with him, saying that if you love someone, you will protect them and you will not hurt their feelings. He agreed with me and said this was precisely why he keeps his indiscretions away from his boyfriend and that he protects him by not letting him know what is going on, which further proves that he loves him.
I asked him how he would feel if he found out that his boyfriend was doing the same, and he said that as long as he is not in the know, then it is fine. This was very startling to me, because I assume that if the relationship is agreed upon to be exclusive, then cheating is cheating. I mean, there is a reason why it is called cheating, which has a negative connotation to it. I also hear this POV from a lot of straight men who keep one special girlfriend but go around town, whoring their dicks out.
I used to say that cheating is a deal breaker. I have left people because they cheated once. However I find that as I am getting older, my views are changing on some things (the flip-flop police should stand back first and let me finish). I think sometimes people can make mistakes and make a bad judgment call which can be forgiven, if you ask me. It is the cheating that is measured, consistent and deliberate that I have a problem with.
So anyway, over to you guys: CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE AND STILL CHEAT ON THEM?
*
One beautiful evening, I headed out of the house for some fresh air. Le boo had visited for the weekend and was riding shotgun. We drove out into the road, heading towards the main road, when I saw this guy walking ahead. His behind was humongous, like OMG! I wanted to know who he was; surely he was new to the estate because I definitely would have noticed a butt as big as that.
I wanted to have a better look, you know, see the face of the guy with the gorgeous roundness, but Le boo was in the car right next to me. I looked at him and he seemed preoccupied with his phone. So I figured I was safe. As we drove past the guy, I did an odu-anya at the side mirror to see the face of the passerby. And right then, I heard “I saw you” from the same Le Boo who was supposedly focused on his phone lol. Since I had been busted, I kuku faced front and continued driving in shame lol.
See you guys next week.
XOXO
DM
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29 Comments
miztadiol
August 24, 06:49Lmao! I like your le boo! He aff catch u. Kikikik
MagDiva
August 24, 07:30You cheat once, we will put it down to a “mistake”. You cheat twice, honey that’s a choice.
And yes, you can love someone and cheat on them. Not continuous, perpetual cheating though. That’s just unforgivable
Klaus
August 24, 07:43No, you can’t love someone and cheat on them, may be you just really care about the person. i was/still in love with this guy, we never dated, just few strings of hookups, and during these hookups, i couldn’t even bring myself to chat with other guys , and i never had sex with other guys ,and we weren’t even dating! True love doesn’t cheat. CHEATING IS CHEATING, EMOTIONS ATTACHED OR JUST CASUAL SEX, ITS STILL CHEATING. NO SUGARCOATING BIKO
Pink Panther
August 24, 07:51Can it really be that black and white? #GenuinelyAsking
posh666
August 24, 08:48One thing I know is there is love and there’s lust.Love is when you genuinely care for a person including all the baggages and imperfections they come with…While for lust you can just be at a mall and you see a really skinny fine boy you can spend aNY amount just to shag and once ur curiosity is satisfied you are over him and you don’t even have any conversations with him cos the only chemistry BTW you guys is just sexual.
Just like you Dennis that saw a big booty boy who you were thirsty for i’m sure if the chance presented itself you would shag him and try to move on without ur boo finding out…Its alright you can deny it all you want cos ur boo probably reads this blog but that’s just human nature…That’s why the dictionary has the words love&lust.
#Chestnut
August 24, 09:19cheat on me and hide it “because u love me”? just kill me, let me die…
Francis
August 25, 07:05?????
Jo
August 24, 09:33I totally believe that you can love a person and still cheat. we are not arguing the morality because of course it is wrong, but then the question of whether it is possible, Hell Yes.
IBK
August 24, 09:39To me it doesn’t matter whether it was love or lust. We had an agreement and you fucked up. Don’t try to rationalize that to me if/when I catch you.
It’s still cheating no matter the motive since before we started dating part of the ground rules was no away games. If part of the agreement allowed for away games under certain circumstances then it’s not cheating.
And yes.. You can love someone and still cheat. It’s fucked up but it’s true in my opinion. We can like to pretend love is this flawless perfect thing but as far as humans are concerned it’s not and sometimes we can let selfishness, greed, desire, etc cloud judgement leading you to do things. It doesn’t make it right however.
Certain people might be able to stay completely faithful to their partner.. Others may be chronic cheaters. It doesn’t mean they love their partner’s less. Just be honest with whoever you’re with and yourself so you can try to tailor a relationship that fits.
Osas
August 24, 09:54You truly can love someone and cheat on the person for reasons ranginging from irresponsibility and complex issues, but the question is not if someone can still be in love and cheat, the question should be would you cheat the person you love?
Amor
August 24, 10:59CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE AND STILL CHEAT ON THEM? I would say a definite YES. You sure can for a million reasons. Although, I personally think if you are in an exclusive relationship with the one you love as agreed upon by both of you, then by all means DO NOT cheat cos that would be a breach of commitment. Cheers!
Canis VY Majoris
August 24, 11:09When we understand the constituents of both terms (love & sex) then we’d be able to appropriately answer the question.
To most, sex is simply just that and it doesn’t come close to the privilege of being loved, otherwise the world will be full of love birds. This is why the contents for the intimacy in a relationship should be centred upon something more ephemeral than sex. Isn’t it true that, some couples don’t even have sex again after years together, yet they stay & love together till death.
Also, we’d all agree that it hurts a lot more to have someone not love you than someone not having sex with you.
Personally, I’d forgive him if he cheats around consistently, it could be a psychological deficiency that needs to be treated, but what would be soul shattering is if he shares the emotional intimacy of our companionship with another.
Canis VY Majoris
August 24, 11:15So can I love him and still ‘cheat’ = (have sex with others) on him?
Yes.
IBK
August 24, 13:21Have you ever experienced an almost spiritual connection with someone when you guys have sex. I have.
Don’t write sex off as something ephemeral. Sex is what you make it.
Sex can be one of the most intense forms of intimacy. In fact, I believe it is. Sex can be just sex (no different from wanking but with someone else as the hand) but it can also be a lot more than that.
Canis VY Majoris
August 24, 14:22True, but imagine if we don’t use sexual proclivities as the basis for breach of commitment in a relationship.
Also that sexual intimacy you speak of can only happen with someone you love, so its really not about the sex. Its about the person.
Pink Panther
August 24, 15:54@Canis How then do you know when he’s crossed the line into sharing those emotional intimacies of your companionship with the other guy? Surely, he’s not going to tell you that. He may not even know that himself.
Canis VY Majoris
August 24, 16:52Well PP unlike sex, the consequent of a shared emotional intimacy with someone else cannot be hidden or buried. You’d just know.
Kainene
August 24, 11:29a friend of mine *side eyes this said friend* once said you can’t be your partner’s bread and butter and he or she would always be curious about what lies beyond your own kpekus. I stronglyyy disagreed then and now. you’re allowed your wild fantasies like oga mi Dennis and his side mirror *chuckles* its called being human but act on those fantasies once, we can pass it off as a mistake, twice, anoda mistake( humanity as anoda excuse )…third time? boy kiss yer balls bye. cus its not love when you keep beating on your partner’s heart like an ogene…like chestnut said “just kill me lemme die”
TEA
August 24, 15:14If you LOVE me please and i say please don’t CHEAT on me!!!Like its not forgivable really!You cheat Half or Once!we so done baybee.
Truth
August 24, 15:51Nicely done guys ? ? ?.
I see all them hoes claiming all anti-cheating and shiii ???.
Nice day everyone.
ambivalentone
August 24, 19:33You’re amused? I am totally irritated. I just dey follow look
Truth
August 25, 00:57lol. If you follow kdians and their theatrics , you’ll develop high bp. The best thing is to not take them too seriously, because most of them aren’t serious people anyway.
IBK
August 24, 15:58Correct me if I’m wrong but most people who find it easy to forgive a chronic “cheat” have a higher likelihood/disposition to having sex outside the relationship.
Truth
August 24, 19:16The operating word here is “easy”, and yeah. you’re probably right.
Francis
August 25, 07:12I don’t think. Low self-esteem manifests in so many ways, like sticking around and not playing the away match too just because you feel no one but your boo boo finds you remotely attractive.
YOU-KNOW-WHO
August 24, 16:31So yeah, this is the current story of my life. I’m in love with this young boy whos gotten me smitten. Which takes some doing by the way, considering my heart is made of Ponmo. I love this boy to bits, i didn’t realize i was in love till i started stalking him when we quarrel and couldn’t sleep all night.
However, Despite my love for him. i still have sex regularly with other people. The sex with my boo is great (cross that ) he is a monster on the bed but i have this insatiable appetite for sex. Despite my regular rendezvous i know deep down i love this dude. i mean i think about him every minute of the day and even in my sleep i see him all the time. he feels the same way about me and even though he is Bi (Converted by yours truly) i gave him license to do his girls, he tells me he is ready to drop any of them for me the moment i say so.
We are both in our twenties, Recently we have been talking marriage. (its that serious)
so the answer to the question above, Yes! you can love and still cheat. I Fuck around but i know were my heart is.
Truth
August 24, 19:17Nelson dear, is that you!?
YOU-KNOW-WHO
August 24, 20:27Max! If only you knew…
*evil laughter*
Truth
August 25, 00:54??