RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 60)
Every now and then, I hear gut-wrenching stories of people who run into trouble simply because they were trying to hook up with someone they met online, probably for a quick shag or some connection. I am not one to shame or blame victims of horrible situations; however, I need all of us to understand that as gay men, we are alone in Nigeria. If you get into trouble, the police will not be on your side, the law will not be on your side, and your fellow citizens will certainly not be on your side. Therefore you have to use your head at all times and ensure you stay safe and do not get into any mess.
This message is especially important for the young ones amongst us. Please read and feel free to add anything you think I missed in the comments section:
1. When you are IMing with someone on some hookup app like Grindr or the likes, always ask for a phone number before deciding to meet. If they decline to give you their phone number, I recommend that you do not meet the person.
2. In the course of the conversation, do not give away too many specific details about yourself. Do not get carried away by dick pictures and go reeling out all your information from house address to BVN number. You can engage, but try not to be very specific about details until you have met them and assessed them.
3. Thank God for technology along with caller ID apps such as true caller. Take the number that you have and search till you get a name. Honestly, if it doesn’t match the name the person gave you, something may be up with him and I recommend that you be a little cautious.
4. If you get a name, run off to social media and see what comes up. Look him up on Instagram and Facebook. Most importantly, look out for mutual connections, and if you don’t find any mutual friends, I recommend that you don’t meet him. There is a chance of course that he doesn’t have any gay friends; however, in my experience, people like that went out of their way to avoid gay people. They could therefore be conflicted about their sexuality and can be dangerous. If you cannot find one mutual connection, I recommend that you don’t meet him. There could be trouble and it’s always better to err on the side of caution.
5. If you find a mutual connection and it happens to be someone you know personally, I recommend that you ask about the person. It’s always better to be safe than sorry; get a feel about the guy from your friend and be sure that it is okay to meet him. Typically, in my circle, I am the area father (lol) and it is me that my friends send photos of Port Harcourt men to ask if I know them, and if I don’t know them, I always recommend that they be cautious or not meet the guy. Due to years of oppression, gay men more easily stick together and befriend themselves. It is a human instinct. So if you find the one that isolates himself, something could be going on there and it may not be good.
6. Always meet a guy in a public place – a mall, restaurant, beach etc. Never go to his house or hotel before you get to know him personally. This may not end well for you. Meet him in a public place and take your time to observe for telltale signs of trouble; for example if he shows up with a friend whom he did not mention he would be coming along.
7. I recommend that you have at least one trusted friend who knows your plans as you head out to meet the new person. This is especially important for people who even leave their city to another city to meet up with a guy; give your friend all the guy’s details (including photos), so in the event of any issues, your friend can raise alarm. When I was younger, upon getting to the venue of our meeting, I would call my friend and say I have arrived. I basically did this so the guy will know that someone is in the know of our hookup.
8. In the event that you go to his house or hotel afterwards, please be vigilant. The most significant red flag is when there are other people present whom he neglected to mention. This is a common denominator is most of the kito stories. Be smart, vigilant and generally sensitive to your environment.
9. Please always carry your condoms and lube. Don’t listen to that silly narrative that only guys who identify as tops should provide protection and/or lube. You are in charge of your own health and body. Please, for your safety and peace of mind, always carry your own protection. Never assume that your host will have one, so that in the heat of the moment, your judgment is not clouded and you decide to bareback.
10. Finally and most importantly, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! If something doesn’t feel right, it is most likely not going to end well and I always believe that it is better to trust your instincts and they were wrong than vice versa.
Take care of yourselves guys and see you next week.
XOXO
DM
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61 Comments
esv.jay
October 05, 05:28wrong! I like them fresh and unknown with no mutual connections!
Pink Panther
October 05, 05:30Really???!!!
esv.jay
October 05, 05:32working for me since 1914. lol
Pink Panther
October 05, 05:36You’re lucky.
Although I have to say though, my last bf had zero connections to any mutual friends on Facebook. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. In fact, it was after we started dating, that my active gay online living began to rub off on him and he began to get friend requests.
Sometimes, the lack of mutual friends may not necessarily mean a gay man whose eschewing gay friendships, but someone who simply isn’t out there, perhaps somewhat reclusive, didn’t grow up knowing any gay people, and stuff like that.
esv.jay
October 05, 05:31so anyone you do not know in ph is a potential kito? na wa for your theory oh!
Mandy
October 05, 07:59New DM stan alert!
lol. Francis, you’re right. This one’s got a boner for Dennis.
posh6666
October 05, 09:08Dennis congrats on finding urself a new stalker!
Dennis Macaulay
October 05, 10:46Many have come before him, and left the same way! He should continue
Francis
October 05, 05:48???? Excellent. Hopefully some people will take something out of this and not come with that “you’re being too paranoid” ish.
Keredim
October 05, 06:05?Good morning, Paranoia,
?Did, yoiu sleep well??
???
Francis
October 05, 06:07I think so ???
pete
October 05, 05:5611. You need not meet people via hookup apps. Same people you want to meet can be found in the banks, malls, offices etc.
Pink Panther
October 05, 05:59Right. Because these people in banks, malls, and offices have GAY AND AVAILABLE written on their foreheads.
Francis
October 05, 06:04I wonder which kind of spirit go possess me to approach person for public space just like that.
Pink Panther
October 05, 06:06I honestly don’t know what pete means by what he’s saying. Online hookups are fraught with risk, yes. But it isn’t an invalid way of meeting people. All this #TeamOrganicHookups should goan nyash down biko.
pete
October 05, 06:10I’m not dissing online hookups, just saying there are other means.
Pink Panther
October 05, 06:12You dissed online hookups, pete. And this isn’t the first time.
pete
October 05, 06:18Yea but not today’s comment. You know, KD educates!
Francis
October 05, 06:10???
Kainene
October 05, 06:39lmfao!!!!!!
KryxxX
October 05, 10:51The same Pete than ran oso four forty when a bank security guard saw him reading just kitodiaries.com ehkwa?
Odiegwu oh! ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Francis
October 05, 11:22????????? Umu KD no dey forget things
KryxxX
October 05, 13:22**Activates my inner Lady Lyianna character **
KD always remembers! ????
???????
Pink Panther
October 05, 13:38???? Exactly Kryxxx! Epp me tell am.
pete
October 05, 17:02That I didn’t want to further my acquitance with the security man doesn’t mean I’ve not met people organically.
PP, you seem to be enjoying KDians pointing that incident out
Mirage
October 05, 20:00Oh u have my blessings! Iam more comfortable meeting someone online than we meet in so called banks,malls etc and u approach me,I freak out! The other day I took a cab from work cos I closed very late and the next thing the cab guy started hitting on me,I freaked out! And DM continue oh area father I see u!
Witch
October 05, 10:37I’ve actually been approached in a bank, at the mall, in lekki(severally) and at a church.. it happens.
Dennis Macaulay
October 05, 10:45Abeg which soap you dey use baff?
#AskingForAFriend
Francis
October 05, 11:23I’m that friend biko. Epp!
Pink Panther
October 05, 13:36????
Keredim
October 05, 06:20Good advice, though overtly cautious.
It seems to penalise those firmly in the closet and struggling with thier sexuality, for whatever good reason.
At some point in this journey we were alone, we did not know other gays existed. On embarkation of the journey we discover gay sites and apps and try and meet others. At this point we don’t have friends or a gay social footprint.
So the security checks you prescribed will come up with nothing.
What happens then?
Dennis Macaulay
October 05, 06:57In my experience those kinds of men are internally conflicted and can be dangerous. This is what I personally recommend and live by, I am however not saying it is the gold standard.
A kito situation is a horrific thing, besides the physical harm it does to a person it leaves an emotional scar which never really goes away. Erring on the side of caution is advised by me
Mandy
October 05, 07:58Not all IH is dangerous na. Even guys with IH wanna fuck, no be so? 🙂
Keredim
October 05, 08:28Perhaps you should have stated somewhere that the advice you are giving is based on your experience.
In the scenario I gave, the person is in the closet. And there is a difference between being in the closet and having IH (no matter how mild).
Stating that a closeted person is “Internally conflicted and can be dangerous” is sending out the wrong message.
Afterall how many of us within and outside the KD silent majority, are “out and proud”?
Dennis Macaulay
October 05, 08:55First of all On point 4 I stated clearly “In my experience”, I’m surprised you missed it.
Also I didn’t say conflicted people are dangerous, I said they can be dangerous! I believe this throws it open to probability. Again based on my experience
Rapum
October 05, 08:47I agree with Denis on the mutual friends point. A guy who self-identifies will most likely have mutual friends, and guys who don’t are usually still deeply closeted, like you pointed out. Which doesn’t automatically make them kitoers. Still, to be safe. I think a guy still coming to terms with his sexuality needs friends more than hook-ups, even if he doesn’t know it. My good friend was struggling with his sexuality and when he hooked up, he ended up disappointing the guys (changing his mind about having sex, canceling etc), and I’m grateful he met sane people who would take “I-no-do-again” for an answer. The best thing to do was to find him friends. (Absalom came in handie, the ultimate spoiler of God’s children.) Let him be comfortable before meeting people: not all hook-ups want to be your friend. Some just want to fuck.
Francis
October 05, 08:51????
Dennis Macaulay
October 05, 07:02Pete I get the whole meeting people organically but Like PP said, no one wears a TShirt that says “Gay man here” at the bank and all. So online is still the easiest way really.
I remember when I went on a date with this older man (he was around 60) I kept asking him how they hooked up back in the day before we had the internet and he laughed and said something about picking up on signs.
For me sha (again I’d say in my Experience) I have discovered that many gay men like to read literature and so Literary Events are a great place to meet men. Ake festival is coming up in November, if you are a singu somborri pack your sef and go there ??? You may meet someone with sense
pete
October 05, 07:09That man is right. You pick up signs and go for the kill
Dennis Macaulay
October 05, 07:41Pete that is not a reliable method; there are people who have a bland personality and won’t give off any signs. There are also gay men who are conflicted and have IH! In this case “going for the kill” could land you in trouble.
You don’t like online rendezvous, I get that but it works for a lot of us Abeg. Ga nodu odu ???
Pink Panther
October 05, 07:50I tire o. Go for the kill and just goan get killed yourself.
zilayefa
October 05, 12:56Deniseeee….biko tell me something quick quick….. where is the festival holding o? maybe i can meet the man of my dreams there. I heard book people are deep and different….. apparently i am in the fashion industry, where there is just always unnecessary drama most times plus this one fashion week is at the corner. You hope that things will be different but no…… Everybody be acting somehow somehow….. biko i am looking for a man in other potential industries ehn Kwa…. anything different from fashion or entertainment….by the way uncle Dennis, Some of us on the effete side do believe in organic hook ups, because then again you are sure the person likes what he sees. Remember your last post? only someone with genuine interest would walk up 2u
I used to be on social media apps years back and i never met no body there. I decided to just stay off it and become a career somebory with hopes that one day, bobo wii see me and heeys me…..??quite a dream, but i keep on hoping.
Pink Panther
October 05, 13:40???? This Zilayefa sef. You’re such a gbef.
zilayefa
October 05, 13:52Ah, my dear pinky,we have to look at every situation in this Nigeria from a humorous point of view if not person will just kpeme. Dollar is almost 500 naira, Even ordinary chiffon is 350 a yard…… husband material is ratio 9:1. I shall hold unto Master Jesus and hope for a brighter side biko.??
Viera
October 05, 14:15I can relate.
fashion week is where people bring their “notice me or I quench” attitude in full force it’s almost like a competition
ambivalentone
October 05, 07:16I am amused. So when with all your ‘I have arrived’ it ends in a kito that snags even the person u r reporting urself too, what happens then? That one too calls another friend until its a 13 and they can parade the latest club/cult/coven of gay ppl?
And telling me a gay guy who doesn’t have mutual gay friends tells u much about his IH is the height of being silly. A FB showed my picture to his friend I have NEVER met and suddenly this guy has A LOT of things to say about me and now I avoid mutual anything. Do I have IH? Please
With all the stories you read and hear, your guts are the best safeguard against kitos. Surprise plans/visits have always worked for me. I av always believed that the less time u give an intended kitoer to make plans, the safer u are…especially if its someone who keeps pestering u for a hook-up. It would only cost u ur transport fare (And have small pride. Don’t expect cab money after a first-time hook-up)
Dennis Macaulay
October 05, 07:35You do know you can disagree without denigrating right? You don’t have to sign off on everything I said and that’s okay.
Its funny how you dissed everything I said, and still went on to advance your own thinking based on similar nuances and your own beliefs/experience.
Anyway, by all means carry on. Just keep it civil.
Thanks
ambivalentone
October 05, 08:09Shuo! U fit count so? I dissed TWO and agreed to one and added one based on experience (something I am seeing being done) AND just as you asked. Abeg abeg abeg. I’m not at home
Francis
October 05, 08:48Bros read that your first comment again.Was the SILLY necessary? Just pointing out what could have pissed DM off.
Khaleesi
October 05, 07:33Thanx Dennis, this was so useful!! A lot of the tips here ones I abide by strictly and so far so good… At the risk of repetition
1. Don’t give off too many specific details about yourself to someone you’re not yet very familiar with
2.meet in a public place like a mall or a popular bar.
***But i have heard of an occasion where a guy went to meet a potential hook-up at a bar whichever unknown to him was used as a ‘kito-venue’ by a gang of criminals,so unkul arrived there was subdued and overpowered and dispossessed of his valuables with the connivance of staff of the bar. So I’d suggest meeting at neutral venues agreed on by both parties. My favourites are shopping malls as they are huge and have lots of security.
Take time to observe carefully, engage in conversation with all your senses on very high alert. Don’t allow your hormones cloud your judgment!!
And yes, virtually everyone is on social media, if u do get a name, run it through your social media accounts as well as run pix by your friends to see if anyone knows him. By the time you’ve done all this, you’re likely to get a truer and clearer picture. If anything is amiss you’re also likely to pick it up.
This is very very important ….
Dennis Macaulay
October 05, 07:38Thank you Mother of Dragons! Its mostly common sense really, but some people will disagree just for disagreement sake!
Anyway everyone please stay safe; that’s what is most important. Do whatever that will keep you safe
Mandy
October 05, 07:57A bar is too risky. Risky because it gives off the promise of a ‘public place’. But it’s not these days. Bar owners are now conniving with kito guys to set gay guys up. I’ve heard stories of setups that happened in bars in Onitsha. Bars are a no-no. Like Khaleesi said: a mall is moost preferable.
Mandy
October 05, 08:01Only God will help us in this country sha. We really truly honestly have no one to fight for us but ourselves. Like we’re the loneliest community on this plant. Truly saddening.
Stay safe, my brothers.
Reaper
October 05, 08:29It’s all tips. Doesn’t mean you should print it out and tick each one like a check box everytime. Most important thing is to be safe.
Viera
October 05, 14:09hallelujah brethren!!!
y’all know that dude Keredim interviewed?
yeah the akwa ibom muscular dude
…..
yeah he’s gay
I’m sure most of us know that by now
yes he’s bottom
shout out to everyone who predicted right
one reason I can’t leave KD
HE SETS PEOPLE UP FOR FUN
in case you’re reading this dude!
your end is near
we have plans for you
DM…..Kisses on ur CAP for this article
Brian Collins
October 05, 18:19Sumborri shud EPP me o. I met a guy who is posing seriously to be someone else ( I seriously know the person he is posing as). I told PP about it and I felt like he just swept the tori under third mainland bridge. I am trying as much as possible not to engage this guy but now he is suddenly if following me on my newly created IG account. He has no followers on IG but is following quite a number of people some of whom I suspect are gay.
DM bikonu what do I do? How will one find out if this guy is kito or not
Chizzie
October 05, 19:09Well there are a few more really inconsequential things that are often overlooked but are key to avoiding a kito situation.,
If he uses AM instead of I’m
If he listens exclusively to Nigerian music
If he replies with “lolz” ( especially this)
If he’s skinny
If he Whatsapp calls ALOT
If he’s always online, reads and replies msgs too fast ( proves he’s idle, and an idle mind as they say…)
If he uses a Techno, infinix, middle range Samsung device or an iPhone 5, 4/4s or china-esque brands
If he lives in Festac and it’s environs.
If he uses Glo.
Pink Panther
October 05, 19:37Jisoxkraist!!! ??
Jide
October 05, 21:54Lmao. You’re a foolish boy.
Simba
October 06, 18:42Choi..I no even know self, am a kito… Na techno I deh use
Kito Alert: A Word To The Wise | KitoDiaries
February 08, 07:21[…] diligence. Dennis Macaulay has previously talked about how to stay safe during hook-up situations. (Here’s the entry in case you missed […]