RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 67)
Sometimes I think that many gay men are irredeemably stupid and can be the architect of their own troubles. I realize that some people may not agree with the points I want to advance; however, the fact remains that, sometimes using our brains a little bit (as opposed to thinking with our “you know what”) can actually save you from some trouble.
Over the holiday season, one of my old friends was planning his wedding and he had made me promise to help him sort out his wedding shopping. I was a bit surprised when he asked because I don’t particularly consider myself stylish or in the know with what’s in and what’s out. But anyway, I agreed to go to Lagos with him and do the shopping. Now Lagos is a city that always leaves me exhausted with its hustle and bustle, plus I do not know the markets very well. Therefore, I called another friend of mine and asked him to sort-of be our guide around the markets. This friend agreed.
Now the groom is a straight man who knows I am gay (I no longer bother having close friendships with people who I cannot tell that I am gay), and he has been nothing short of a great ally. And this other guy whose help I enlisted is as gay as can be.
Anyway as soon as we landed in Lagos and set out with my friend, he took me aside and started gushing about how hot the groom is and all (maybe by virtue of “see finish”, I don’t think the groom is hot and I’m always surprised when my friends gush over him). I told him straightaway that the groom is a straight man and he should find somewhere else to quench his thirst. He didn’t believe me and said I was merely “hoarding man”. I remained insistent, reiterating that the guy is straight. He let the issue slide.
Eventually we finished our shopping and headed straight to Warri the following morning, so grateful for the help we received.
Then a few days into the New Year, the groom called me and we were talking about final preparations for the wedding; and then he offhandedly said, “I think that your friend has the wrong impression about me. He seems to think I play for your team.”
I could instantly feel the heat rising in my face. My friend had apparently gone to do exactly what I told him not to do.
The groom continued, “It appears he is catching feelings for me o, and has been subtly hitting on me, which I waved off. But yesterday, he blatantly said he liked me. It sha doesn’t mean anything. Please don’t harass him. But he should be more careful because not everyone is like me. There are dangerous guys out there who could do bad things to him.”
When I hung up, I was so angry that I had to take a few minutes to gather my wits about me. And then I began to wonder. Why do gay men always do this? Why do they often go in search of wahala? I called my friend and lost my cool the moment he answered. I screamed at him in the phone, and he must’ve understood how furious I was, because he was mostly quietly listening. I explained the implications of his stupid action to him; if the groom did not know I was gay, then he had basically outed me to the guy. I was mad because he has done this same thing to me a few times in the past and I was foolish to have trusted him and let him have the guy’s number. At a point, I asked him, “So even if the guy was gay and I told you he’s straight because he was my man, so you would go behind my back and start texting him? You really are worse than pond scum. Loyalty means nothing to you and this path will land you to great trouble one day.”
And I hung up, determined never to speak to him again.
Eventually a mutual friend called and pleaded on his behalf and I let the anger go. But here’s the thing: why do many gay men indulge in such dangerous and irresponsible behaviour? Whenever I take a selfie with a guy and post on my Instagram, they will swarm in his DM like bees. And it’d always get back to me. In fact these days, to avoid wahala, I no longer tag people on my Instagram or Facebook posts whenever I give them shout-outs, because I don’t have power for world people.
The other day, someone who follows me on Instagram followed my heterosexual colleague (because I shared a photo with him) and started asking him about his size. His size bikonu! My colleague mentioned it to me and I pretended like I didn’t know the guy or even understood what the conversation was about.
Guys, I am not a bright-eyed optimist, but I also happen to be a realist and one who never ignores the facts on the ground. In an ideal situation, if you hit on a man who is not gay, he’ll politely turn you down and move on, no hard feelings. After all, if it were a girl that he is not into who hit on him, it probably won’t be an issue. But sadly, this is not utopia where all things are perfect, as they ought to be. WE ARE IN ONE OF THE MOST HOMOPHOBIC COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD! And such foolishness get people killed. Imagine for a second if that groom was a dangerous guy and he led my friend on and then invited him to Warri, where he’d have him set up and harmed, then what? He’d now come and write his sob kito story for us to read and commiserate? (I’m so sorry, but I had to). Every time I read these heart-wrenching kito stories, I try as much as possible not to victim-blame. But the truth is that a vast majority (I stand to be corrected anyway) of these stories would be avoided if people use their heads for just a minute and do the proper thing.
We are in a very dangerous clime, my brothers and sisters, and we have to be smart. This does not include engaging in dangerously irresponsible behaviour. Please, please, I beg you guys, let’s all be safe and do the proper thing.
On another, more pleasant note, next week, I shall tell you my Grindr story (yes, I started using Grindr again, did I not say my 2017 theme is #HoeIsLife?)
XOXO
DM
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39 Comments
Mandy
February 08, 09:15The conviction we have sometimes that when a friend tells us his hot friend is not gay, then he must be lying and hoarding market… it’s quite hilarious. Do people still hoard market like that these days sef?
Delle
February 08, 11:58Hian! Yes Biko???
pete
February 08, 09:17Doubt it’s a gay issue. People are like that irrespective of sexuality. Similar thing happened during my birthday party. The guy stalked this girl that I had to wade in when she complained and threatened to involve her police brother.
Dennis Macaulay
February 08, 10:24Don’t change the narrative Pete, straight people can even afford to do that and get away with it. For gay people, it can end in disaster. You cannot even try to put both scenarios on both pedestals.
The girl will decline if she doesn’t want, but the gay hitting on a straight man will most likely run into trouble.
DONT DO THAT
Mandy
February 08, 11:17Pete, the narratives are not the same.
Delle
February 08, 12:01Enough said.
Chuck
February 08, 15:03I’m with Pete here. You can’t police People. If they like to take risks, let them pay for it. If you don’t want their drama in your life cut them off.
P.S. if people are thirsting on your IG, go private and block people. You accept the social media fame, it comes with stalkers.
Delle
February 08, 16:07Let them pay for it you say? At the risk of increasing the kito experiences and consequently giving room for these urchins to spring up and cause indiscernible havoc even to the innocent ones?
They should be left to keep painting the Gay Man as a predator who can’t keep his thirst to himself? It’s embarrassing what DM put up here and if you are satisfied with your friends doing that to you, speak for yourself.
This is a blog with a huge readership and if we can’t impart on them positively because of the likes of you who spare no branch to be politically correct, then we have failed.
There’s a thin line between allowing someone be himself (and probably pay for his uncouth actions) and allowing the expression of these people dampen the image of an already struggling community.
Chuck
February 08, 17:251. How does people attacking gay men who force their attentions on them lead to people attacking gay men who don’t do it? If you’re kitoing “innocents” then you were a homophobe all along, and the men who hit you up are not responsible for your violence. Why are you normalizing violence as a response to interest?
2. As I advised Dennis, if you don’t want friends to do it to you don’t have friends who do it.
3. Who determines what the image of a community should be? Today it’s don’t convert straights, tomorrow it’s don’t act feminine.
Those of you who mention political correctness are usually attacking something else and using PC as a strawman. Say what you want to say, PC is not a substitute for freedom of action. Why are you controlling what other gay men do? Why are you so eager to have them conform to your image of what the gay man must do?
This straight friend of Dennis’s is within his rights to block the gay man who pursued him. However, he is not a snowflake and straight people do not have the right to live in a filtered world without any gay interaction.
A gay man is free to send a message to any straight man. If the straight man doesn’t like it, block. When he was buying wedding things he did not mind interacting with the gay man. he should shift abeg.
Mitch
February 09, 11:03Wow! Just wow!
Your stupidity is just astounding. You have finally managed to sink to levels lower than Tef ever did. Congratulations. ????
Chuck
February 09, 12:02This is how you know the daft people. Mitch, you used 22 words and none of them discussed the topic. Alternative intelligence is what you have.
Mitch
February 09, 15:56And you, Mr Daft Punk, used a gazillion words yet flew so far off the topic that no one could find you even with the aid of a telescope.
Keep to being daft and don’t come for me or I’d drag your cheap ass for filth!
Xavier Thicc
February 08, 09:44You couldn’t have written it better….
I alin my thoughts with this..
I have had such scenario with some of my friends and its sickening to say the least…
Some think that every cute dude you tag or take pictures with swing our way…
No wonder I Dont tag my friends on Facebook when I snap with them…..
ambivalentone
February 08, 11:02Shebi e dinnor even have to steal the number from off your phone. I have seen and know stupidly desperate boys do this. Restraint means NOTHING to them. Its all for the thrill of the hunt. I can only be Mother Theresa and drop my homilies whilst ooohing at the latest daring venture. A word will always be enough for the wise.
Mandy
February 08, 11:15Ah the days of stealing numbers from phones… *sigh* Those good old days.
Again, do people honestly still do that?
ambivalentone
February 08, 12:28well, three years ago is appalingly anything, don’t u think?
Pjay
February 08, 22:25Ara ẹ o ya
Francis
February 08, 14:31That awkward moment when you want to badly share a post but realize you is still in the closet. LOL. Lord forgive me sha, but these days my sympathy for kito victims don dey drop as most of them are stupid as fuck. PornHub and vaseline don’t exist for nothing and if body contact is like hungrying you badly, find a trusted fuck buddy biko.
This is the same narrative one homophobe dumped on me weeks back and that’s one of the major reasons he can’t stand gay people. I wish those of us in the straight men conversion ministry would have sense one day and just quit with that mess.
Chuck
February 08, 15:001. Of all the gay men you know, what percentage has done this?
2. Why did you ask him to help since you know he does this kind of stuff? His fashion help comes with thirst. It’s part of the same person. You should have cut him off a long time ago.
Dennis Macaulay
February 08, 23:18Some of you are funny, oh well a word as they say is enough for the wise. I don’t have power to argue, especially not with people who know the facts but just argue for the sake of it ✌✌
Dimkpa
February 09, 06:07I think the only thing you can hold against him is the lack of trust and loyalty for going behind your back. I would suggest next time if you notice your friend has a crush on your straight friend, it would be better to say it out loud while you all are together. It can be in form of a jest like, “Come oh, e be like say Johnny dey eye you.” That way the straightee can clear the air and your friend will hear from the horse’s mouth. But what did you think he was going to do with the number you gave? Ask for advice on how to wank or what?
Secondly I don’t think it is dangerous if people try to hook up with guys they have seen with you. A man’s character can be judged by the company he keeps. It would be a fair assumption that anyone seen with you is unlikely to kito anyone.
And for the straight men that get annoyed when approached, I would say they should chill. Afterall they do the same to girls. If they don’t want the advances a simple yet “I’m flattered but I don’t roll that way” would do. It doesn’t call for violence. I don’t hear girls saying I hate all men because of one unwanted advance. Such comments and violence are just borne of homophobia and prejudice.
Dennis Macaulay
February 09, 06:251. We had left the asooke with tailors and he was supposed to pick them up and send to us so I didn’t think twice about leaving the number with him. I also didn’t think he would cross any lines seeing as I have told him that the guy in question is straight.
2. I like this beautiful world you guys paint in which straight men politely turn you down when you hit on them and tell you sweetly that they roll your way. The reality judging by that facts on ground is that in majority of the cases it doesn’t go that way. Very many of these situations end in disaster and we should not encourage people to continue down that road in what is a very dangerous country.
3. If I take a Selfie with someone at work, it doesn’t mean I know that person neither is it an endorsement of the person’s character. So assuming its safe to hit on someone because he is on my Instagram is quite stupid and irresponsible.
See let’s not kid ourselves, these are very dangerous times and let us do away with this bright eyed picture of a world where straight men are polite and curteous to gay men who hit on them. I wish it were like that, but we all know that it is not like that, our job here is to inform and educate and let us do just that. We are not encouraging people to be prejudiced and homophobic but the reality is that people are prejudiced and homophobic.
Let him that has ears hear, I am done talking!!!
Justme
February 09, 19:21I totally hear you DM……No wonder gay men struggle finding platonic friendships with other men. ? often gets in the way.
Duke
February 10, 16:25Love this response DM! Regardless of my current location, i still have my Nigerian paranoia and sense of caution. Guys, we really need to be careful, we all want everybody not to prejudiced or homophobic but seeing how Nigerians comment and talk about homosexuality is enough proof that we are still very far from that reality. Don’t let conji put you in trouble.
Jo
February 09, 10:27Plus, isn’t there just a thin line between hitting on a guy you know is straight, and sexual harrassment?
Francis
February 09, 10:40Is like we are trying to normalize sexual harassment.
Chuck
February 09, 12:00Did his friend know for sure that the groom was straight? After all, MGM is an acceptable way of life ?
This idea that straight men must be treated with kid gloves and their violence rationalized and normalized is not OK!!!
Francis
February 09, 12:55No one is asking for their violence towards LGBT folks to be rationalized and normalized. We are just asking that LGBT folks should apply COMMON SENSE in their dealings with straight folks.
Jo
February 09, 13:43What we are saying is simple,if you know someone is straight, mind your lane, it is just the smart thing to do especially in these times.
Even if we were in more tolerant climes, it doesnt take much for an innocent ‘hitting’ on someone to turn to sexual harrassment.
I mean there are enough dicks to go round, even in Nigeria.
Chuck
February 09, 15:36Francis,
Everybody should apply common sense toward their dealings with others. Dennis started this off with “gay men” being irredeemably stupid because a guy in his clique pushes himself on people. What does that have to do with homosexuality? As I said earlier Dennis could have avoided this by cutting this guy off a long time ago, or unlooked and let the pushy guy suffer for his pushy behavior.
We ca’t police gayness. Let everyone be gay as they wish, as long as they are not hurting others. If he likes straight men let him go after them. A whatsapp message is not license to lynch anybody. If a girl gets raped for going to a nightclub with some fool, do you attack the rapist or the girl that went out with him? I see the same vicim blaming here
Again, if you don’t want to be involved in drama cut dramatic people off!
IBK
February 09, 16:07??
Retweet
Anyways all na advice… Those who will hear will hear.
Delle
February 09, 16:15If a girl gets raped for going to a nightclub with some fool, do you attack the rapist or the girl that went out with him?
This is the dumbest, most stupid analogy for the year. Are you for real, Chuck? A girl who dresses as she deems fit should be raped and the raped sanctioned because some dog with no self-control couldn’t control his weenie?
So there are scenarios where rape is pardoned? This goes to show just how much you reason. You think it’s all about piecing words together for every question posed? You just stepped out of line with this statement.
And you earlier said, let them be as gay as they wish as long as they are not hurting others. But they are! Hurting the ego and integrity of the friend whose gay friend they are pestering. Embarrassing the straight guy (I don’t think I would be all smiles at a girl who keeps on pestering my life). Indirectly hurting the other gay men who would be viewed as undisciplined, ratchet and predatory by these straight folks all because of some person’s haggard way of living his life.
Delle
February 09, 16:16*straight friend they are pestering
Chuck
February 09, 17:47@Delle,
Did you understand what I wrote? Reread it. How do you interpret that as supporting rape? I called out victim blaming, and you’re saying I’m sanctioning rape. NA wa for you.
So you want to protect the egos of gay men with straight friends, protect the embarrassment of straight men who cannot stand a Whatsapp message from a gay man, and protect the generalizations of straight men who cannot understand that manners are not tied to who you want to fuck?
I hear you. Again, na wa for you.
Dennis Macaulay
February 09, 18:10“Sometimes I think that many gay men are….”
I believe that is what I wrote there. Those who want to argue should argue, no time. Those who have ears will hear and apply wisdom. That’s all ✌✌
Esso
February 15, 10:41My major issue with most Nigerian gay men is the fact they seem to forget they are actually MEN. Apologies but I don’t always fancy the busybodies. Believe me there would be no forgiving on my part after such an incident. This dude would out you without even knowing what he’s doing. Biko choose your friends wisely. Always try to look around too. I would’ve gone with a girl instead though. Next time just go alone and ask for a random lady’s opinion abeg. It’s better than cursing and crying in a cell somewhere in kirikiri for 14 years!
Pink Panther
February 16, 06:19I don’t understand. What has being a man got to do with this situation please?
Henry
March 04, 09:13Wow..first tym to comment here…Anyways my view, afta reading all d comments, is that I totally understand d pple that advice to go for straight men if u wish n wot one gay guy does does not represent homosexuality in general. But we r totally missing one very crucial point. The point is dat we r in NIGERIA. We want to act n crush n date like other humans but we forget dat most Nigerians don’t see us as humans but as these demonic and disgusting set of beings. Their misconception is just verified when we go afta dem. And for a country that has not gone anywhere in homosexuality acceptance…it is very dangerous for us. Why not go for pple who r like u n understand u instead of chasing forced relationships that will just lead u to dead ends. And for d fact that we r still in dis very preliminary stage of acceptance, (in case I don’t know) any impression that a gay guy gives influences d impression pple will av of gays in general. Even though it is not socially right, straight homophobes will not see it dat way. Enough said, stay outta trouble. Try adding 14 yrs to ur age n see where it takes u. Much love!!
Francis
March 04, 10:47????? @ Try adding 14 yrs to ur age n see where it takes u. Much love!!