ROULETTE OF THE DAMNED 3: Perfect Imperfections II

Hearing the jiggling of keys, Jiro had walked over to his front door and opened it from inside his apartment. Andrew stumbled in, his free hand losing its grip on the door handle, his face a mask of surprise. Jiro fell backward as Andrew stumbled forward, sending the DVDs he’d been holding spiraling to the floor, and Andrew’s body mass completely dropped into Jiro’s body. In an effort to regain his balance and break his fall, Andrew reflexively wrapped his arms around the closest thing his hands could grab: Jiro. Desperate to break his own fall, Jiro reached out behind him and tried to grab the nearest table to balance himself. He missed it by an inch and had the air sucked right out of him as Andrew’s body mass pushed both of them to the wall. Their bodies pressed together against the wall as they both sought to regain a balanced footing.

“Jiro, what the hell?” Andrew bellowed, pushing Jiro’s back harder against the wall as he pushed himself off his friend and stood on his own two feet.

You’ve got to be kidding me, Jiro thought. It felt like the universe kept pushing Andrew into his personal space at every damn turn. “Hey now, hold on,” he began as he moved his weight off the wall and stood a couple of feet away from Andrew. “What exactly is wrong with you? Why didn’t you use the doorbell? When I heard someone fiddling with the door, I thought Abbey had seen all my missed calls and text messages and was finally taking me up on my offer to sit down and talk with me. I figured maybe she’s thinking she’d catch me cheating on her if she sneaks up on me, so I wanted to get the jump on the element of surprise by catching her sneaking into the house.” He trailed off, his gaze shifting away from Andrew as he stepped back, breaking all eye contact.  “Not that you deserve to know any of this. After you ignored all my calls throughout the week, I was so sure you weren’t going to show up tonight. Looks like I’m the one who got the surprise!” he managed to say with a smile that he was sure looked as cynical as it felt.

He walked into the room, leaving his friend by the front door. Andrew shut the door, picked up the DVDs from the floor, slipped out of his Louis Vuitton shoes, and followed Jiro into the living room.

They settled on opposite ends of the couch. Andrew tossed the movies on the table, opened a beer for himself and another for Jiro; and grabbed a piece of chicken wing from the large dish on the table.

Neither of them moved to start the DVD player.

Neither of them spoke.

When Andrew had stuffed down four pieces of chicken wings, he decided he couldn’t put off talking to his friend. If he didn’t break the silence now, he was going to go mad. The silence was deafening. It was obvious to him that Jiro was still reeling over Abbey.

I need to step up and help him and Abbey through this. That’s what best friends are for, he reminded himself. Andrew had known Jiro would have figured it out that he had been avoiding him all week. He decided that the first had to do was make things right by clearing the air about that.

“Look, I’m sorry about not getting back to you all week. It’s just –”

“Forget it,” Jiro interrupted.

From the corner of his eye, Jiro noticed that one of Andrew’s buttons had come undone, slightly revealing his friend’s lightly hairy chest. His self-disgust grew as he stole a glance at Andrew’s face and noticed how brown his eyes were. They were always a richer, darker colour when he was upset. Jiro’s frown turned into a full blown scowl. He looked away and stared at the blank screen of this 32” inch Samsung flat-screen TV.

Andrew groaned and dropped his head in his hands. “You don’t understand. I don’t think we are on the same page here. I need to explain why I acted the way I did.” A look of horrified disgust masked Andrew’s face as he spoke, “It’s just that Abbey said some things that – that…” He shivered in visible disgust at the memory of what Abbey had said.

And Jiro noticed it.

Still scowling, he turned to face Andrew again. “The same page? Andrew, we are not even in the same book! Look, about what Abbey said, it’s not what you think.” He jumped to his feet. “She’s wrong!”

Andrew looked up at him and countered, “No, it’s not what you think.”

They fell into arguing, each party trying to raise his voice over the other in an effort to be heard out. Andrew didn’t have a clue what his friend was trying to saying. He didn’t really care just yet. He was determined to get his point across. Years ago, they’d each learned that they had an affinity for debate and had been awesome at it in school. Andrew knew his friend wasn’t going to give an inch until he got his message across, but damn it, neither was he!

He stood up. “Stop being so damn stubborn and listen to me, Jiro,” he shouted.

“Who’d listen to you yelling?” Jiro barked, raising his voice yet again.

Andrew didn’t know who pushed who first, but they were suddenly in a shoving match. In the last nine years, everything between them had been a competition. They had always fought before like two teenage boys, wrestling each other to the floor and knocking over furniture. A man wasn’t a man until he’d proven himself in a fight with his friend. They were both athletic and muscular, having spent a number of hours at the gym together, lifting weights and dripping buckets of sweat side-by-side when running on the treadmill.

Jiro thumped Andrew in the chest, and Andrew pushed right back. They got into each other’s faces, shouting. Someone knocked against the table and the plate of chicken wings went flying, landing upside down, contents first, on the butter-coloured carpet.

“You’re going to pay for that,” Jiro ground out.

Andrew sneered. “Why should I? You knocked it over.”

Jiro grabbed Andrew’s arms in a bruising hold. Andrew twisted and knocked Jiro’s hand away. Jiro charged at him with brute force for a chest-thumping match the same time as Andrew did. Their chests met, their lips less than an inch apart. All the wind left Jiro’s sails in an instant. He stopped pushing. So did Andrew.

Jiro told himself to back off, to get some space between them, but he didn’t move…he couldn’t move his body. Then again, Andrew didn’t move back either.

They were too close, chests heaving, breath warming each other’s faces. Seeing as words had failed him, Jiro tried to glare at Andrew in disgust in order to motivate himself to move back, but all his eyes did was look down at Andrew’s strong thick lips. Beyond them, Andrew’s jaw was chiseled and coated with bristly black hair. He hasn’t shaved his beard.

He looks so…so good, Jiro mused.

Jiro knew he shouldn’t be caught dead thinking about that. He should be the first to get over his anger and tease Andrew by saying that he’s won the argument and the fight. Andrew would most likely sulk and switch into his overly superior attitude, like Jiro was beneath his royal notice. That was how their fights always went.

Instead, all Jiro could think about was just how much he wanted to see what it was like to kiss his best friend.

This was all Abbey’s fault, he thought angrily. If he touched Andrew in the wrong way, nine years of friendship would be lost in nine seconds. He knew that if he did something stupid to piss Andrew off to the point of losing their friendship, he would never forgive himself. He knew deep down in his gut that losing Andrew’s friendship would hurt a lot more than all his serious relationships combined.

Don’t do anything, Jiro. Think about the friendship. Move back, sit down, and watch the damn movie.

The unspoken words of advice fell on deaf ears.

His mind was ready to move back but his body refused to obey.

He leaned closer and let his lips touch Andrew’s lower lip ever so slightly. The lip was warm, softer than Jiro had expected. What shocked him was the pleasure he felt, the excitement that raced through his body and settled firmly in his boxers. If he moved now, Andrew would see that he’d gotten a hard-on simply from the brush of their lips. Not wanting to test fate but desperately needing a lot of space between them, Jiro’s disobedient legs finally took a few steps back. Looking quickly at Andrew and then away, he retreated further from his friend. Andrew looked shocked, but no one was more shocked than him. What had possessed him to press his lips to that of another man? He had been so close to kissing Andrew! The thought of two men kissing was disgusting and utterly revolting…or at least he had thought it would be. What he had just experienced seemed far from revolting.

Fuck! I’m done for! What the hell was that? What was I thinking? How could I have let Abbey’s words make me go too far? That was all kinds of gay! Damn it! I’m not gay! This has never happened to me before in all my life. What sort of thing is this? I am NOT gay, damn it!

He finally found the strength to look back at his friend. Andrew stood there in front of the couch, staring straight ahead. He hadn’t said a word. He hadn’t moved from the spot where he stood. He looked like he had seen a ghost…or had been kissed by one. Jiro closed his eyes, angry and disgusted. He had just experimented his life-long friendship away. And for what? To prove to himself that Abbey was wrong? Damn it! He hadn’t been thinking about his best friend in this way before, had he? Hell no!

A silhouette from outside the window behind them caught their attention. They both looked and Andrew recognized the stranger waving at them to be Jiro’s neighbour. Jiro waved right back and walked over to the window to shut the window blinds. Andrew bent to pick up the spilled chicken wings from the barbeque-sauce-stained carpet. He straightened and dropped the dish on the centre table, and walked away from Jiro to the other end of the room.

“Why did you do that?” he asked after some time.

Was that Irritation or anger in his voice? Jiro wasn’t sure. “It was an accident,” he said. Breathing heavily, he straightened up, walked over to the couch and sat back down.

Andrew walked towards the couch but didn’t sit down. He sat on the centre table instead and stared at Jiro.

I can’t blame him, Jiro thought bitterly. How do I explain my actions to him when I can’t even explain them to myself?

“I cannot begin to explain how sorry I am, Andrew,” he began. “It’s just that Abbey said –”

Without warning, Andrew leaped toward him, grabbed him around the throat with one large hand and shoved him back. Before Jiro could react, his friend’s lips were on his, tongue teasing to gain entry. Shocked, Jiro couldn’t think straight, let alone resist. He gasped and Andrew’s tongue darted into his mouth, his kiss rough and wild. Jiro felt like he was being choked by Andrew’s hold on his throat. But he tasted so damn good, Jiro couldn’t find the strength to brush his hands off or pull away. He tilted his head, and their noses bumped. The hair on Andrew’s face scraped the ones on his, but Jiro pressed in closer.

Which of them was moaning? Andrew wondered as he drew Jiro’s lower lip between his. He licked at the moist softness. When Jiro raised his hand in an effort to get air in his throat, Andrew released him only to brace Jiro’s shoulders against the chair and crush his chest into Jiro’s.

The tenant in Jiro’s boxers was on fire and begged to be let out to play. Jiro’s mind swam in all directions. Maybe this was a test. Maybe Andrew was just getting back at him for initiating the initial brush of their lips. Panting, he shoved his friend away and finally wedged some space between them. It was Jiro’s turn to look like he had seen a ghost. And he damn near felt like he had been kissed by one, literally!

“What the hell was that, Andrew?” he asked in rage.

Struggling to fix his pants before Jiro noticed, Andrew got up and was the other side of the room near the window in seconds. “Fuck my life. I don’t know.” Jiro didn’t say a word so Andrew went on, “Abbey said some things to me. I’d like to think she brainwashed me with her suggestions that…”

“That I want you?” Jiro asked. “That I would crave your touch and welcome your kisses?” His tone was angry and cold.

Andrew faced the window and rested his forehead on the cool glass. If Jiro hadn’t pulled the blinds and closed the curtains, anyone could have passed by and the world would have seen what they had done…what he had done. Shame washed over him.

He took in a deep breath before he spoke again. “What are you even talking about?” He turned to look at his friend as he continued. “No, she didn’t say that you wanted me. She practically insisted that I wanted you.” The air felt tight in the room. Letting out a defeated sigh, he said, “I’m sorry, Jiro. I should probably go.” He turned and started to walk to the door.

“Wait.”

Jiro’s voice came from directly behind him, and he jumped but didn’t turn around. Andrew’s entire being was all too aware of Jiro right now, and he wished he could take it all back.

“You’re saying she told you that you – want me?” Jiro asked.

“Yeah.”

Jiro cursed. “She told me I want you, that she’d known it for a while, and she was waiting for me to figure it out. She said, knowing me, I’d never make a move, so she had to get it going.”

Andrew whirled to face him. He was close enough to step into Jiro’s arms again, but Andrew resisted. “She’s wrong about you. You are straight, Jiro. I know you better than anyone else. I can bet on my life that you are straight. You are in no way attracted to men. Believe me, if you were, I’d know.”

“I know, right?” Jiro said. He looked down at the floor as if he was puzzling over what Andrew just said, and then he met Andrew’s gaze. “Drew,” he said very carefully, “I need to know. Was Abbey wrong when she told you that you want me?”

“That isn’t the point.”

Jiro could feel his blood pressure rising. He knew he wasn’t attracted to men. He had only been experimenting on what Abbey had planted in his mind. And because he had had all week to wonder, his curiosity about it had grown exponentially. No matter how his body reacted a while ago, he knew he wasn’t gay. It must have been something in the beer; maybe it was a bad batch or something, he decided internally. Looking at Andrew now, he wasn’t so sure he could beat his chest and say his friend was as straight as he had always believed him to be.

“On the contrary, that’s exactly the point,” he said. “Tell me the truth.”

Andrew heaved a heavy sigh. He felt like kicking himself for letting his testosterone run the show. Granted, all week long, the thought of kissing Jiro had nearly driven him insane. That didn’t give him the liberty to stick his tongue down his best friend’s throat just to sate his own damn desires. He hadn’t even looked at Jiro this way until Abbey had opened her stupid mouth and led him straight into the belly of temptation! His plan tonight had been to be standoffish and play things cool despite the dilemma Abbey’s words had activated in his head. The second Jiro had taken the first step and brushed those killer pink lips on his, Andrew had known he was done for. He hadn’t been able to stop himself. Now, staring at his best friend, Andrew couldn’t stop thinking of how Jiro felt and tasted under the scrutiny of his arms and mouth.

Jiro growled, his voice turned spastic ice. “Answer me, Drew.”

“Fine! You really want to know? The answer is yes.” He took a breath and continued carefully, “Like you know, I have had relationships with a lot of women and I have slept with more women than I can possibly count in my lifetime, but I am also…” He swallowed hard. “I am also attracted to men.”

Jiro shook his head in confusion, his mind swirling with denial and disgust. Righteous indignation prickled skin in the form of humiliated heat. His voice shook as he cursed, “You bastard!”

At his vehemence, Andrew backed away.

“You fucking gay bastard!”

“I’m sorry. I was going to tell you eventually. I swear I never meant to ki –”

Andrew didn’t get the chance to complete his sentence as Jiro’s fist flashed and struck his face, instantly drawing blood from his nose. He staggered back, feeling pain split over his left eye, but he refrained from striking back.

His voice was shaky as he said, “Okay, I deserved that.” He swiped the blood from his nose with the back of his hand and looked at Jiro with eyes filled with regret. “Now that that’s out of the way, let me just make one thing clear: I’m not gay. I’m bisexual. Yes, I’m attracted to men but I’m also insanely attracted to women. I’m still the same Andrew you have known all these years. Nothing has changed. It’s still me.”

Rage turned everything into shades of red in Jiro’s eyes.  He stared accusingly at Andrew. “What do you mean nothing has changed? Are you daft? Everything has changed! All these years, I’ve been naked in front of you several times without a care in the world.  I told myself that it didn’t matter because you are a guy…my best friend! Boys will be boys, I had thought. How do I know that you haven’t been scheming to get me into bed or something all these years? Have you ever touched me when I was sleeping and I didn’t know? I cannot trust you ever again. Every time I have ever hung out with you has been put into question now because of your sexual perversion.” He said the word with so much disdain in his voice. He was livid. At least he had a good reason for almost kissing Andrew; he had been experimenting because of Abbey’s words. Andrew, on the other hand, was probably the king of gay activities.

He sneered at Andrew. “Have we ever even been friends?  My God, I can’t even stand to look at you right now.” He looked away from Andrew and said, “Look, it’s late and I’m tired.” I couldn’t sleep now even if I tried, he thought.  “Let’s just go to bed and forget this ever happened. Guy’s what-ever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-it night is officially over! You know where the guest room is. Make sure you are out of this house tomorrow morning before I wake up.”

He stormed out of the room to his bedroom, and went straight for the sachet of aspirin on his bedside table.

Moments later, the doors creaked open and Andrew cautiously walked in. “Jiro, please let’s talk about this. I know you are angry right now, and you have every right to be. But I need to explain things to you. You don’t understand. I’ve never looked at you like that before tonight. You need to hear me out.”

“I don’t need to do shit where you are concerned, Andrew. Get out!” Jiro yelled.

For once, Andrew didn’t argue, didn’t fight him. He turned away, paused at the door, and said, “Hate me all you want but I just need you to know I am sorry. It will never happen again.”

“You can bet your life it won’t! Bastard!” Jiro yelled again, but the door was already closing behind Andrew’s departing back.

Humiliation and anger scalded Jiro’s face and neck. This was all Abbey’s fault. She had done this on purpose. She had taken her revenge out on him for constantly neglecting her on weekends. That was why she had goaded his closeness with Andrew to his face the way she had. He knew she had every right to be angry at him for never really having time for her; mainly because he spent time with Andrew every weekend. Initially, when Andrew got back, she hadn’t minded the arrangement. If anything, it was bliss for her because she could go get her hair and nails done, attend various weddings, and meet up with friends. But after the first couple of months, her irritation had begun to show. He had told her that she could join them anytime but she’d always refused, saying she wouldn’t share her time with him with anyone else. Three years down the line, her understanding nature had transformed into an insidious tsunami; and his once loving Abbey had slowly turned into a vengeful Medusa.

But she had gone too far when she said all she had said about him and Andrew secretly wanting to be lovers just because they were closer than most siblings would be. He had thought she was crazy. Boy, was I wrong! I’m not even sure she knows what she’d stumbled upon! My best friend is gay…or bisexual…or whatever, and I never knew! He likes men and he tried that fucking crap on me!

Jiro just couldn’t bring himself to accept Andrew’s revelation. The worst part of it was that somewhere in his bent and twisted mind, Jiro had enjoyed the kiss. He had even gotten hard shortly after he had brushed his lips against Andrew’s. Why the hell did I even do that? I wish I never knew about all of this. Andrew never should have told me. Now that he had tasted Andrew’s kisses, he knew he wanted to experiment more with Andrew. Damn it, Andrew had no right to do this to me! He had no right to make me hard, to make me feel this way…to make me want to…to reciprocate…to do more with him.

Furious, exhausted, and overwhelmed, Jiro flung himself down on his once longed-for-bed and yanked the covers over his head, praying silently that it would shield him from his vile thoughts.

I trusted you, Andrew. I fought for you. I stood up for you when Abbey said all that bullshit about you. She practically walked out of my life because of you! I should have listened to her.

Andrew…Your bastard! Why couldn’t you have just lied to me and kept me in the dark about all this? I might have talked a big game about wanting the truth but nobody in their right mind would ever choose to know this kind of truth. You should have lied to me, damn it!

I’ve got to get Abbey back, he decided.

The million dollar question now was how he was going to find a way to win Abbey back.

Written by The Controvert