Sexual Harassment Is Just As Detrimental As Rape

#BlackLivesMatter and #SayNoToRape have been trending all week, as they should, given the horrific stories and deaths that have plagued the media. Most of us seem to be focused on just rape, most especially violent rape. I’ve noticed quite a number of people acting like “whatever” if there was no violence or tears involved. People who have been harassed are sometimes gaslighted, like, it wasn’t rape na. Na just touch he touch you. Farabale jor!

We seem oblivious to the fact that those unwanted advances, touches and whatnot have varying degrees of effect on the psyche of victims. Just because nothing was “forcefully” taken from them doesn’t make it okay.

I was 8 or 9 years old when he touched me one night while I was supposed to be asleep in the same bed with him. He was younger. I loved it and wished it would repeat itself again the following night, but it never did. At 14, 15 years old, I would proceed to do the same to my bunk mate several times, thinking it was normal. I was only worried about getting caught by other roommates as it was a homosexual something.

A few years later, I would start seeing stories of people traumatized by rape, unwanted touches and other forms of sexual assault, and I would feel pretty low, wondering how I could have contributed to such a mess, most especially given my current messed-up mental health status.

With each resurgence of the #SayNoToRape campaign, the guilt kills me and I wish I could actually call him, the bunk mate I touched, and have a discussion about my indiscretions toward him. But then, I’d wonder: What if he was truly asleep through it all and didn’t know anything about what I did to him?

When I told one of my friends about my intention to hit up the guy, he wisely said something along the line of “You want to goan traumatize somebody to clear your conscience? If he didn’t know, it won’t kill him. Let it be. At least, you now know better.”

I buzzed another friend and she suggested that I should just put my thoughts into words, as that helps sometimes. And that’s exactly what I’m doing with this.

Still on my indiscretions is the issue of consent. Because he and I had a consensual thing on two previous occasions didn’t make it right for me to violate him like that. He had ended things between us, and that was very clear to me. But I still had to have my way. It sometimes tends to start from this sense of entitlement to the body of someone you once hooked up with, and then it escalates to that rape we are all screaming NO to.

Any consent given to you can be withdrawn at any time. ANYTIME! If somebody’s child tells you to get off them during sexual intercourse, please respect yourself and get the fuck off. Let’s stop this whole BS of “I have to cum na. You’ve enjoyed already.” Learn how to masturbate to finish off. The minute you refuse to acknowledge that consent has been withdrawn and you continue to plunge away, you have descended into rape, and only an idiot will defend your actions. At this point, be ready for whatever follows next, all because of a few moments more of orgasmic thrill.

I’ve heard dreadful stories of such in the community and we need to get our shit together and hold our friends accountable. We need to do better and teach the ones coming after us to do better.

To my bunkmate, if you were aware of my indiscretions and they hurt you and made life difficult for you in any way, I’m truly sorry and open to having a discussion about it…that is, if you ever raise the issue. I sincerely hope you’re doing okay though, as you were a really good guy who some of us goats took advantage of from time to time.

Finally, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let’s quit gaslighting victims of sexual harassment. That shit isn’t cool at all. Thanks guys.

Written by Francis