STEALING HER WAY TO ME

I am a very reserved 23-year-old woman and like most queer Nigerians, I have been very discreet about my sexuality, especially around my homophobic family. I am so closeted that I would rather peel off my skin than tell my family that my “boyfriend” is in fact a girl. This girl is, for the purpose of this story, Annie.

I met Annie eight years ago when I was in boarding school. I was a transfer student because my family had just relocated from Lagos. I had a little wildness to me that was alien to the generally reserved nature of the school. I had beads round my waist and constantly wore thongs, getups that were considered too much for a girl my age. Because of this, most of the girls gave me a wide berth. Only a few who liked my badassery came close. I also had the habit of observing girls as they walked around naked. That was how I noticed Annie and her very beautiful body. I was instantly smitten. But to my chagrin, I soon discovered that she was everyone’s sweetheart and even though I hadn’t even so much as said anything to her, I was filled with jealousy. If she was the kind of girl every other girl had access to, then she didn’t deserve me, I thought to myself.

But then, upon getting acquainted with her, Annie told me that she liked me, especially because I was weird and not like the other girls. This admission led to an embrace, a kiss, and one thing to led to another, and we were on, together, an item. Annie became possessive, which was a little bit of an issue because my popularity had just begun to grow due to the fact that I won a competition. More girls were noticing and flocking to me. I began to cheat on her severally, until I got into trouble. When I was in SS1, I was caught by my house mistress making out with a senior student during night prep. As the house captain of my House, Annie was called upon to give an account of my behaviour. I was mortified by this, that she’d been called to be a witness to my unfaithfulness to her.

And then, I was both startled and relieved when she lied for me to the house mistress. She had to have been hurting over my betrayal, but instead of give an account that would result in me getting expelled, she saved me, and instead of expulsion, I was sent home for a one-week suspension. But Annie was mad, very upset with me, and she threatened to call my mother and tell her the real reason why I was sent home (my parents believed my suspension was because I fought). My friends eventually talked her out of this, and when I returned to school, I was a changed woman. And I decided to stick with Annie and never betray her again.

Becoming faithful to Annie wasn’t the only lesson I learned from that episode in school. I also realized how very quickly my sexuality could damage my life, and I began to cultivate the carefulness required to keep my issues as a lesbian away from home and my family. I of course slipped every now and then, but I’d become more aware and protective of my closet.

One such time I slipped was with Ola, a friend to my immediate older sister. Ola was a very dynamic young woman, with an appeal that I couldn’t resist. I initially admired her from afar, like I did most of my sisters’ friends. But then, unable to control my attraction for her, I overstepped one day when I kissed her. Just like that, I was in her space and touching my lips to hers. A second later, I was struck with the horror of what I’d done, of how I’d royally fucked my life up now.

But instead of rebuking me or threatening to ruin my life by reporting to my sister or my family, Ola smiled at me, observing the fear in my eyes, and told me it was okay. She was queer too. And we became really close after that incident. She took me under her wing, taught me everything I needed to know about loving a girl. And when my sister, her friend, died, she became something of a replacement of my sister to me.

She would eventually go on to open a salon, which became one of my favorite haunts.

It was in her salon that I met Sheba.

I’d been with Annie for years now, even after graduation from secondary school. Then she had to travel out of the country, and we decided to stay together still, even though it was now going to be a long distance relationship. She bought twin rings, one of which she gave me the night before she traveled. They were uniquely styled rings, and we put them on, on our thumbs as a show of our commitment to each other. I was so attached to that ring and wore it every time, and whenever I took pictures, it was always there, on my big finger for Annie to see on each photos I sent to her.

I mention this as a way to later emphasize the obsession Sheba had with me.

Like I said, the first time I met her was at Ola’s salon. I’d just come back home from where I was based in the East because of the lockdown, but instead of returning to my parents’ house, I chose to stay with my aunt who lived two streets away from my family house. Ola’s salon was close by, and whenever I was feeling low, I would go there. The salon served as an escape for me, because some of Ola’s customers were queer too and I found solace in the company of these women who had stories to tell about their lives that made me realize I wasn’t alone.

Sheba was a beautiful, dark-skinned girl who I noticed because she coincidentally had on the same braids that I was wearing; she was also wearing the same ring that I was wearing – the commitment ring that Annie gave me. I’d never seen it on anyone, and it was a mild surprise to see a likeness on Sheba’s finger. And through her see-through top, I could see that she was also wearing the same waist beads that I was wearing. At the time, I was intrigued by what I thought was a girl with the same fashion sense as I did. I liked her; actually, I more than liked her. I felt somewhat lustful toward her.

I wasn’t planning on cheating, but I am only human and Annie had been away for 8 months at the time. Before I left the salon, we exchanged contacts. I’d also discovered from our conversation that she was my younger sister’s friend. (I had four siblings: two older sisters, including the one that died, a younger sister and a younger brother.)

However, to my credit, I told Annie about the new friend that I’d made. I told her she was most likely lesbian also, and Annie told me to be careful.

My friendship with Sheba began to blossom, and I soon realized that she was into me. Like, really, really into me. She began to call me all the time, sending me messages all the time, and sending me her nudes as well. It was crazy. This intensified after we made out a couple of times; it was as though she took that as a sign that she and I were officially a thing. She even came to see me at my aunt’s house, and soon became a regular visitor there. It was as though everywhere I looked, she was there. It was very discomfiting, and I was feeling stifled by her.

When I left my aunt’s house and returned home to my family house, it was then to realize that not only was she my sister’s friend but she was the first daughter of our neighbour who had come home because of the lockdown. Now, she was truly everywhere.

It was apparent to me that she wanted from me what I couldn’t give her. And she was very, very obvious about it. The other day, she came to our house to meet me eating with my kid sister. I invited her to come join us, which she did. And then, she was trying to feed me with her spoon.

IN THE PRESENCE OF MY SISTER!

I was startled, too startled to do anything as she guided the spoon to my mouth. But my sister caught her hand and snapped at her to stop.

“My sister isn’t about that life,” she said. “She doesn’t do girls please.”

And with a smirk, Sheba said, “You wish.”

Things got so out of hand that at a point, I had to ask my sister about her, and she told me that she and Sheba used to talk a lot about me: that after Sheba saw me in one of her pictures, she began peppering her with questions about that her “finer sister”. The day I noticed her at the salon may have been the first time I knew her, but it wasn’t her first day of knowing me. This girl knew me before I met her. And with the things my sister told me, it became increasingly apparent to me that she stalked me. What I thought was the coincidence of the similarity in our style and fashion sense was not. She’d gone out and bought those waist beads after she saw me wearing them in pictures my sister had and my sister told her I liked to wear them. She made those braids after I sent a selfies to my sister showing me in my new hairdo. She bought that ring after she noticed I was wearing mine in every photo she saw of me in my sister’s possession.

I had to let her know that I was already dating someone, even though it was a long distance relationship. But she didn’t seem deterred by that. In fact, it began to seem as though she’d taken up a challenge to compete for my affections with Annie.

The final straw happened when she was over at my house, and was going through my laptop. This girl was on a mission. She deleted most of the pictures I took with Annie, all of Annie’s childhood pictures and selfies which I had, and Annie’s twerk videos. Then she changed my wallpaper and background photos which had Annie in them. She then went on to transfer her own pictures into my laptop. It was as though she was trying to erase Annie from my life and replace my girlfriend with herself.

I was beyond infuriated by this. When I found out, I exploded on her. Retrospectively speaking, I realize that I maybe should not have shouted at her or said some of the things I said to her. I should have just quietly retrieved the things she deleted from my Recycle Bin, and calmly but firmly told her to never tamper with my things again. But this invasion of my privacy was very triggering to me and I wanted to put her in her place. Furiously, I told her to stop competing with Annie for my attention, because it wouldn’t be a competition.

“Someone as senseless as you couldn’t even compete for my attention with my dog!” I snarled at her. Then snatching up an empty jug from the table, I said, “I will forever admire and choose this jug over you. Why? Because it knows its place, unlike you!”

Throughout my tirade, she looked like I’d slapped her. And at this point, she got up and left.

I soon came to regret the things I said to her, and when she began giving me cold stares and the silent treatment thereafter, I worried about what she would do in retaliation. I have begun to worry that she might out me to my family. The day she deleted those pictures, I don’t know how she found it but she equally assessed my secret folder, in which are some videos and pictures that do not speak well of me – if you know what I mean. There were pictures in that folder of me and Annie kissing and passing sweets from mouth to mouth. Sheba saw everything.

If any of this comes out, I might not see where to hide. I mean, I could deny, deny, deny – and may convince my parents that these are lies. But my oldest sister is someone I may never convince.

And it feels like the price I have to pay to secure Sheba’s cooperation is if I gave in to her and became hers. She eventually broke her silent treatment of me to send me nudes of herself. Then she told me that her heart belongs to me and not with the boy she’s dating.

If I do this, if I give her what she wants from me, then I will definitely lose Annie. And I don’t want to lose Annie. It would have been preferable if she was around, because then we could fight this monster together. But she is away, and in losing her, I may never see her again. And this scares me almost more than being outed to my family.

What do I do?

Written by Deviant