THE DIARY OF A NIGERIAN FUCKBOY (Entry 10)
Dear Diary,
I fear for my future as a gay man.
I remember when I talked about the future in future tense, a stage in my life that seemed so out of reach, a mirage that will never materialize.
However, slowly, that future is becoming a reality, a reality filled with so many questions.
Will I ever come out?
How will I come out?
When is the right time?
Will I marry a guy?
Will I find a guy I truly love?
These days, I don’t even care if someone suspects my alternative lifestyle or sees my opinion on LGBT as confirmation of my sexuality.
I just don’t care anymore!
I have even nursed the thought of not begging anybody who uses outing me to my family as threat or tool of blackmail, because these days, I really do not care!
Now that I think about it, what could my folks possibly do? Send me out of the house? I would even love that, I have been craving independence. I have a job that can get me settled for a life of independence for a while or I could take a loan or better still work two jobs, simply because i do not care!
I told a friend of mine this when he cautioned me about how I am becoming quite vocal on LGBT issues on my social media platforms. He said, “Guy, no let oyibo life catch you oh! Why you dey follow all those gay guys dey like gay pics and talk about gay things on your wall? Fear no dey catch you?”
My reply, due to lack of any other to say, was “LOL”. I am in the Fucking U. S. of A! Still being in the closet just seems unnecessary. Even Tim now uses his face pic on gay apps. He says he is too old for that game of hiding and I am considering doing the same too.
I really have this feeling that my folks know but hope that I remain in the closet. My mum for example; anytime Hillary Clinton comes on TV, she says, “I really like her but she is in support of all the abominations, like gay marriage.”
Gay marriage is the only thing on the list of abominations she mentions anytime Hillary Clinton comes on TV. This is the same with Anderson Cooper. I feel it is their way of saying to my hearing, “We know you are gay, but please remain in the closet. Do not bring shame to us.”
I am even subtly supporting gay rights in my house, saying America supports the rights of everyone, so if you have the right to be a Christian, everybody should equally have the right to be who they want, as long as they don’t hurt anybody.
I also wonder if I will be like Mr. L.
Mr. L is a Nigerian man who hit me up on Grindr and kept begging for us to meet. I told him I wasn’t into married men but he insisted we just meet, at least to become friends as he had no gay Nigerian friends. I agreed and we met.
He started to tell me about how cranky and irritated he gets when he doesn’t hook up with a guy. I honestly could feel his pain. He said, “I will just feel so cranky and angry for no reason.”
I inquired about sex with his wife and he replied, “It is not the same. I love my wife. She is a good woman. We have three amazing kids but I still like guys.”
I fear this will be my future: one where I would be begging a young guy for sex because I crave the touch of another guy. One where I would have two phone numbers and download gay apps only to delete and re-download again. One where I know I am cheating, hurting the woman I love but can’t change who I am. I FUCKING LOVE MEN!
Being who I am, I wouldn’t want to hurt my wife by cheating on her because I know how that hurts. It is not a good feeling and I can imagine the heartbreak when she realizes that I wasn’t even cheating on her with a woman.
I don’t even know what I want! Am I ready to risk it all for a guy I love by coming out to my family? Is there a guy out there worthy enough for me to take that giant leap and risk it all? Do I have all the fun now and move on to a new uncomfortable journey of heterosexuality?
The clock is ticking and my future is slowly becoming a present I am not prepared for.
Written by Duke
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40 Comments
Mandy
August 02, 05:02This is a better Duke than the Duke of the Orlando shootings entry. That one was less inclined to give himself a voice. This Duke is bursting out small-small. And yes, for fucks sake, you’re in the U.S. of A! Dude, own your sexuality joor!
And the next time another busybody comes to tell you to tone it down, have a better clapback than ‘Lol’.
Brian Collins
August 02, 07:18I agree with having a better clapback, but you sometimes feel too exhausted to reply anything other than Lol.
Duke
August 02, 12:51True, but as someone said, you are sometimes not in the mood.
Lorenz Mac
August 02, 07:23This!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOOFOO
August 02, 07:23I like how forward thinking and sincere you come across. Despite having a liking for men, I would almost certainly get married. I’m most probably not going to do it because it is the conventional thing to do, but because it is something I revere. I also don’t think I would ever come out to my family, probably to my wife but not my parents, even though they are not overly homophobic, I don’t think they are just ready for it.
Duke, keep pushing on, working hard, being open minded and having a back up plan, certainly the future will fall in place way above your expectations…
Pink Panther
August 02, 07:40You want to get married because its something you revere? That is, you don’t intend to wed a woman becos of pressure or anything, yea? Just becos of your reverence for the institution of marriage, right? How about then getting married to a guy? You know, seeing as you like guys.
FOOFOO
August 02, 07:53I understand your point, basically you are driving it towards the opinion the question whether my boyfriend isn’t good enough for marriage. Well, that’s not true, in fact I used to tell those I’ve been with that I would marry a dude, much to their bewilderment… However, as I’ve matured, I’ve come to a certain place in my life where I have reached the personal decision that marrying a woman is something I would really like to do…This may have been due to the successes of my heterosexual relationships and the gross failures in my most trusted gay ones.
Like I said marrying a woman is not a ? complete certainty, my decision can change. After all I’m only 24…
FOOFOO
August 02, 07:56apologies for improper use of punctuation & several “gbagaun”…. Oya IH people waltz in with your swords and all ?
ambivalentone
August 02, 08:11No need. There’s already one in ur gut. It would be my pleasure to see it bleed the life out of u…slowly
FOOFOO
August 02, 08:51Kwakwakwakwakwakwa! Even this simple-minded one wants to sound relevant…
ambivalentone
August 02, 09:45Sez u who is only one letter shy of being called fooL…and squared even. Tell us. This is ur true name, no?
FOOFOO
August 02, 11:10….lol. For some reason when I Google searched “Ambivalentone,” the word “enema” kept coming up…lmao. How coincidental ??????
ambivalentone
August 03, 07:18Sadly that’s not google’s fault. Its been tested and tried for a decade at least. The querrent has a lot of problems apparently.
Pink Panther
August 02, 12:00‘This may have been due to the successes of my heterosexual relationships and the gross failures in my most trusted gay ones.’
LOL! And next you’ll tell us the failings of the gay relationships is the fault of the guys you dated? hence gay men are undateable and unmarriageable?
FOOFOO
August 02, 15:17Yea right…and the girls kept ensuring it didn’t work.
DI-NAVY
August 02, 07:38Everybody’s fear
Honestly . Smh. The struggle is real
Jo
August 02, 07:53Is there a guy
out there worthy enough for me to take that giant leap and
risk it all?
Is there? Honestly, I don’t think there is.
doe eyed monster
August 02, 08:01This is exactly what comes to mind when most people throw jabs at MGM.
We throw daggers at them but most of us would still end up like them.
ambivalentone
August 02, 08:17Na by force to marry? I even find randy prick-in-every-hole single guys a bit more tolerable than married philanderers sef.
Chuck
August 02, 10:18Cosign, @ambivalentone
Kainene
August 02, 08:12Whaats the point of me practically throwing caution to the wind and being vocal LGBT wise if I’m just goin to end up marrying a woman *swallows bile* even if there’s no man worth the risk sweetie I’ll remain single forever. *shudders at the thought* we all age everyday, I don’t haff strength for deception again biko. *shudders again at the thought of ageing*
Too clean
August 02, 08:59Hmmm…..Duke,I understand your plight….
I haven’t thought about all these because its just there for me…
My folks have known that when it comes to marriage,its a no go for me….
Even in church sef,when they talk about marriage,they know my stand on it…even the Ukochukwu knows that when it comes to marriage,don’t count him in,the thing I always tell them is that I want to go to school to do my masters and all….
I think that’s another way to tell them that no marriage for me….
I am the last child…and no pressure from anyone on me to get married…because my siblings have given them enough grandchildren….
I know someday they will ask me about marriage……Even as I am thirty now….who knows what it will be like in the next five years?
Certainly,I can stand their questions from outside the shores of Nigeria…
It’s well…my friend!
You will conquer all your fears,trust me!
King Mufasa
August 02, 10:13??
Brian Collins
August 02, 19:58Hehehehehe, I am not sure o but I think those Smileys captured my facial expression pretty well.
bain
August 02, 09:10Iv thought of this severally,(I’m out to my parents by the way,not really accepted buh I’m awesome so they still love me),beht,I can’t marry a guy,I don’t see that working out,n marrying a woman would work,but I’ll still want to be with a guy sooooo,I won’t get married!!!!!,I’ll have a patner,I’ll have kids with ,raise my kids with her,(but not married),if I hook up with a guy its not gona be any bodies business…..I really want to have kids,lemme say 12 kids n 6 dogs,4cats,8 rabbits…..at leave havin a patner I don’t stand a risk of divorce n fucking up my kids childhood,plus we will all leave under dsame roof as father,mother,children and pets….not husband,wife,children and no pets.
Pink Panther
August 02, 11:59How very progressive of you.
Kainene
August 02, 13:32Loooll How verry progressive indeed
posh6666
August 02, 12:11Honestly this issue has been over flogged here on kd and it’s depressing.I just hope eventually we are all able to find our happy endings…
Those who plan to remain single with 20dogs as company,those who plan to do a contract wedding,those who plan to marry a woman just to keep up with the society and continue to hunt for young boys on gay apps and those who plan to relocate abroad and marry the white man of their dreams…
Duke
August 02, 13:17I honestly can’t wait to know what mine would be.
Kainene
August 02, 13:35One thing I know for sure. Never ever giving up is the way to go…
Pjay
August 02, 14:22My favourite character in this series is Mama Duke. I chuckle every time she sashays in with her homophobia. How wickedly ironic that she has a homosexual fuckboy for a son! Me I want u to come out in a big way sha. Just to read about the shock on ur mum’s face. *cackling maliciously*
Pink Panther
August 02, 15:09Mama Duke. ?????
Duke
August 02, 17:40Oh well…
EmperorZed
August 02, 14:56Seriously, coming out is one big fright for me. I just picture the day my folks eventually catch the drift and what happens next. I really want to get married. Sexual relationships with the chics is great, but can I do without guys wen I eventually get married? In Chigurl’s voice “chai….cheating willi dey kwanu..”
Mitch
August 02, 16:40Coming out isn’t my fear. My fear is growing old without finding love. I’ve recently become more introverted and into myself because virtually all the guys around me are out for one thing – Sex! I mean, is it too much to ask for a man you love and who’d love you in return? Sometes I imagine my future and what it’d look like and all I can see is me aging with my family’s backs turned against me and my kids (I do intend to have them with or without a husband) being absolutely busy with their own lives. That ain’t the kinda life I want. But then again, what do I know?
Pink Panther
August 02, 17:00THIS!!!
bain
August 02, 21:16Finding love is difficult my brother.
INDIGENE
August 02, 23:40I don’t know what I want.
Fresh
August 03, 10:18Pink your email address.
Pink Panther
August 03, 16:51Pantherptb@yahoo.com