THE DIARY OF A NIGERIAN FUCKBOY (Entry 8)
Dear Diary,
The online gay scene is an emotional rollercoaster. I don’t know if this is due to my temperament, my physical appearance, personality or even my Zodiac sign (Sometimes the horoscope seems correct). I am a very emotional person. Things that other people do and let go of so easily stays in my heart and mind, and even though I try to brush it off, I am constantly reminded in some way and get thrown into some state of either regret, depression or attempting to make things right.
This hasn’t helped me in the gay scene at all. The people I believe I had great chemistry with end up not feeling the same way and the rejection, no matter how nicely rendered, hurts deeply. Some are subtle with their “No”. They just always say “I am busy”, “I will call you when I am free” etc. Some are outright with it; they either simply do not reply you or they tell you outright “I am not interested”. Yeah, we all like honesty; it saves us a great deal of time, but being a young person who is very emotional and loves something long term, it kills me inside.
But then again, I tell myself it is life and ironically, gay apps are becoming quite the tool in teaching me some hardcore life lessons.
Also, there are times when I don’t feel the same way about a person but unfortunately they are deeply attracted to me. This one is really tricky for me due to the fact of my make-up; I know the feeling that comes from being rejected and try to indulge them. Some text you, call you (which is a big deal especially here in the US) and try to make it work, but deep down, I know I don’t feel the same way. So I engage in what I call “pity indulgence”, indulging them and sometimes engaging in “pity sex” just to make them happy.
Then I have situations when we equally have the same level of attraction to each other. At this point, I only stay online to see who is out there or simply because I am bored. I feel I have found someone worthwhile and I ignore every other person that hits me up. But sadly, reality hits and I see this person I am pushing others aside for online.
“Maybe he is just online like me, seeing who is out there,” I say to myself.
So I create a catfish account and hit him up. He falls easily and invites the catfish me over. I am heartbroken and hate myself for taking him seriously.
“What did you expect, Duke? It is fucking Grindr! Everyone just wants to get laid!” I say, trying to console myself, but as a guy who still remembers every guy he has hooked up with, right up to their names, it is sometimes difficult to let go.
Someone said it is because I am still relatively young to the gay scene, that is why I don’t have a hold of my emotions. I really want to believe so. I earnestly look forward to the day when I can take a “No” as a champ. When I can be in control of my emotions, just fuck and move on like nothing happened.
Till that day, I will continue to see what is out there and hope that someone is just as crazy about me as I am of them.
Written by Duke
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36 Comments
DI-NAVY
July 19, 06:49Awwwwwwww Duke ..opening a cat fish grinder to chat him up isn’t the best option cos the outcome could be very excruciating.
u definitely will meet up someone where the feeling tend to be mutual . Grindr is the least of it. The chances are so limited cost basically its just for hook up and on to the next bigger dick or sloppier ass.
Who still indulges in pity love and sex nowadays ? Shit could be draining abeg.lol.
Shuga chocolata
July 19, 06:53Your zodiac sign, is it Aquarius?????
#AskingForMySanity.
DI-NAVY
July 19, 07:00Pisces or cancer . One of those . But I believe every zodaic sign has the tendencies of having emotional threat tho.
To some, theirs are dominant while to others are recessive . It depends .
ambivalentone
July 19, 08:28Looool. Those were my guesses too. As unstable as dem water-water zodiac signs
Duke
July 19, 15:06Right the first time baby! Pisces ♓. Piece of shit emotions all day.
LM
July 19, 06:58I can relate to what you just wrote
This life can be pretty messed up. And it seems to be worse for the emotional peeps.
DI-NAVY
July 19, 07:07No LM. Being emotional has its perks and pains. Most times they are the ones who laughs last and best .lol. but when the feeling is kinda mutual. Its forever after things .hehehehe
Mandy
July 19, 07:00This is the most poignant and vulnerable thing you’ve ever written. Keep hope alive, Duke. There’s someone for everyone.
doe eyed monster
July 19, 07:06Ahh… Even in the Nigerian gay online scene o. It haff tire me.
But I can say I have changed a whole lot since I started using Grindr. Now I handle rejection better. So I guess your friends are right. The more you stay, the stronger you become..
Lol, when I started, you should see me, it was like I was begging to be their friends ..lol…when someone I think I like is not interested, in my mind I am usually like “waaaaiitttt!!!, I swear, just indulge me now, when you see me, you would see how cool I am..” Lol. The struggle.
Peak
July 19, 10:11For some weird reason, I find this quite funny.
Duke
July 19, 15:09I swear!!!! Oh My God! Spot On! I see some people’s profile and I go ” This person is quite the match, let me hit him up” and they don’t reply or they say they are not interested. In my mind, I’m like “You would like me if you gave me a freaking chance!”. Lol
BeeJay
July 19, 07:52Honest, relatable, true…Lately I’ve adopted a happy go lucky attitude coz oh what the hell, que Sera, right?
Kainene
July 19, 08:27*in sia furler’s mournful voice* big girls cry when their hearts are breaking…
Griffin
July 19, 08:32Oh my Goodness, I was so about to write about this, if you think Nigerians are bad on gay social networks, then you need to leave the country and you’ll appreciate what we have. I got frustrated enough to quit, I dunno when I became the sappy lil sod who wanted more than sex, I began to feel used when acquaintances I made online OK only contacted me when they had an itch to scratch. What’s worse these people start a conversation with, how big are you or make my dreams of being fucked by an “African” come true. I ranted about how that’s not a compliment but a racial stereotype which I didn’t appreciate, but what do I know turns out people out here are more fickle than I imagined. I’m in the country with the largest population in the world, filled with gorgeous men and I’ve never felt more lonely. I guess I was wrong, I’m not going to be a sleek, sex monkey who didn’t want emotional attachments, Cos that’s exactly who I have become.
Duke
July 19, 15:12? ? ? This comment by Griffin.
Delle
July 19, 08:55This is like so me…
Why don’t you look for something long term then? I don’t think gay apps would give you that (everyone wants to get laid remember?). You may be a fan of random sex, but deep down, that may not be the real you.
Look out of Grindr and settle for something long term. Someone you love and trust. Leave random hook-ups for those that can be rejected and be non-chalant about it.
Drone
July 19, 09:03“…but as a guy who still remembers every guy he has hooked up with, right up to their names, it is sometimes difficult to let go…”
This ?
bain
July 19, 09:54I don’t want to experience this…..I’m a cold person,bt this is deep.
Delle
July 19, 11:31You’re cold? Biko change! *clapping in your face*
bain
July 20, 15:38Lol delle
Sinnex
July 19, 10:33Awww…this is totally relatable. It happens to me a lot and I also kinda do it. I guess it all depends on the attraction. The truth is that we are all guilty one way or the other.
Jo
July 19, 10:34Hook up apps eh? Sometimes it makes be wonder if that is all there is to gay relationships..sex and nothing else.
Peak
July 19, 10:54Now this I can relate to from start to finish.
Rejection: All things being equal, you will get use to this and even become almost immune to it with each gay man you encounter, the more you use these apps and more importantly, the more comfortable you get in ur skin and with ur sexuality.
Being emotional: That’s just you. You are just one of the few men who happens to be intouch with his feelings. It’s what separates you from the herds of animals running around. Don’t change it, embrace it. It’s a gift that just seems like a burden and a curse for the most part, but it’s all you.
Pity sex: Bros, I stopped making that excuse a while back. Sex is sex! A gun wasn’t held to ur head. It hurts when ppl hurt you and I understand that the pain shapes ur decision not to hurt others, so you give in to their wants, thereby end up hurting urself. So learn to say NO!
As much as we hate rejection and what it represents, it has to be done. If you don’t do it, someone else will. We are all driven by our individual gains. You want long term, not for the sake of the other party, but for urself. The best thing is to look for who wants the same. Ppl who do casual want it for themselves, so we shouldn’t expect them to apologise for it. As much as it hurts, we should learn to accept it with grace.its easier said than done, but we just have to try. You are not responsible for anyone’s satisfaction. Once u consented to the sex, pity or not, no one cares. If he chose to give u a million bucks after the sex, its ur gain and urs alone. If he chose to give u a chronic disease afterwards, ur gain and urs alone. No one would ask if its motivated by pity when its all said and done.
These are some of the cold hard lessons I have learnt in recent years. You are doing just fine, it’s an endless stream of transitioning and learning, but I’m sure you will get the hang of it soon enough.
Delle
July 19, 11:38One would be thinking with all these epistles you put up on a daily, you’d have tons of stories up on the blog. But so far, it’s just well…epistle-like comments.
Oh well…
Duke
July 19, 15:20Much appreciated Peak. Good talk. ???
Peak
July 19, 11:08I have a question regarding this …”as a guy who still remembers every guy he has hooked up with, right up to their names” Emmm do you by any chance remember dates too? #AskingForAFriend
KingBey
July 19, 13:38You are looking for love and commitment on Grindr? In Obodo Oyibo? You’re kidding right? You better delete that app before you get high BP because all they care is your African BBC
posh6666
July 19, 13:58Well compared to Nigeria,overseas you can most likely meet the perfect man of Ur dreams walking down the streets someday,sitting at a restaurant,chilling at the beach or even while shopping…
But for those asking why some of us are on hookup sites in naija pls let’s be real,how many of you has been approached before on the street and have a man propose his likeness for you??? *crickets*? Well then since for now these hookup apps is the only available avenue for meeting likeminds here in naija,let us the hopeful romantics keep hoping…
Most of you here self won’t have had your cherry’s popped if not for these apps…Rest my case abeg!
Chuck
July 19, 14:34Slow down. Love doesn’t come from 2 weeks of hookups.
Francis
July 19, 17:01Duke is this you?! Chai. It doesn’t match you at all (I mean my perception of you) Asin. ???
On a more serious note sha, I feel your pain. Looks like your hook-ups are actually a front to your search for bae.
Biko leave Grindr and find respectable dating apps though you’d most probably have to put up a profile pic with ya face and that could possibly out you ???
Like Peak said hold on to your feelings abeg. We have too many damaged pipul walking the streets and increasing the population of the damaged.
E go better
Pink Panther
July 19, 18:26‘Duke is this you?! Chai. It doesn’t match you at all (I mean my perception of you)’
To be honest, me too. When I first read this entry, I was like seriously? Duke has all this vulnerability inside him? And I’m looking at him like someone who’s exactly like the aloof guys he described. Lol
DI-NAVY
July 19, 20:57my dear pp, we don’t judge a book by its cover. forget the muscles and abs, it doesn’t change who he is on the inside. most guys who put up this IDC facade and attitude are mostly the nicest, emotional and vulnerable people around, trust me. But they put up that attitude to build walls. OAN, you get to see the innocent vulnerable looking ones and they tend to be the careless and coldest ice kings.
Emotional people always have a tough deamenour till you come a little bit closer.
Duke
July 20, 04:27Lmfao. The cliché about not judging a book by its cover strikes again. I don’t know if I should take all this as a compliment.
Francis
July 20, 04:50??? Man we all judge a book by its cover biko no matter how hard we try. Sometimes that cover is needed sef to keep ndi ala at bay unless one is gunning for Mr. Social.
Darlington
July 21, 14:10This person wrote this just the wayvi would have written it.. sometimes I wonder why I am this emotional..
Maleficent
July 21, 17:36Me,emotional?Never,,,,,,dont get me wrong,not like am a sasha fierce or Magereth Thatcher,but when u really know your worth,u are done with looking down on yourself and letting people dictate your mood,Besides,i have known since my virgin days, that you cant like everyone and vice versa.
Get hold of your emotions,be selective as my mum will say,,,,,,na this one fine and this one is okay makes a mad man gather load.
Shalom dearie