THE EXISTENCE OF FUNKE BROWN (Episode Three)

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Reverend, of Those Awkward Moments fame, has returned with a continuation of the series he debuted in 2016 (HERE and HERE). The character is Funke Brown – and what do we know about her so far?

That she has a bisexual bestie named Isaac, that she has a nonexistent love life, and that she is straight – until she found herself stealthily signing up for a profile on a lesbian dating app.

And so the story continues…

*

EPISODE 3

It was almost midnight, and the street was quiet as Isaac and I made our way from the gate, where the uber dropped us, to my house. Isaac had developed an attitude just before we left the party and hadn’t wanted to go on to his place. Considering how late it was, I was grateful for his company. I glanced at him, and in the dim light of the moon, caught sight of the fitted blue tux that he’d been able to pull off so well all day. I was wearing a slim-fitting blue gown; the pale-blue hat that I’d been wearing at the party was now in my hand.

We were returning from a wedding in Ikoyi. Remember when I said that Isaac and I often crashed rich folks’ weddings, so we could observe and post reviews on our blog? Well, this was one such wedding, and I’d just finished expressing my displeasure with the DJ’s music choice at the reception.

Homeboy did not agree.

“Oh come on –” I was saying.

“No offense,” he cut in with a tone that said he in fact meant every offense, “but you do this every time we go for an event, Funke.”

“And this is?”

“You always come for whoever is handling the music every time!”

“Well, that’s because I’m very –”

“Passionate about the art of it – Yes, we don hear,” he said with a roll of his eyes.

I eyed him, sensing something was off with him. it was the same feeling I’d been getting about him almost all day.

“Okay, dude, what’s doing you today sef?” I queried.

“Nothing,” he bit out as we rounded the final bend before my compound.

“Okay then, don’t tell me,” I said.

We walked a few steps in silence before he said with an exaggerated sigh, “Okay, fine, I’ll tell you.”

“Pretty sure I said you shouldn’t bother.”

I could feel his irate gaze on me as he said, “Look, do you want to hear or not?”

If it were any other day, I would have paid no mind to Isaac and this mood swing he was high on. But right now, he seemed genuinely out of it, and I did not want to spend the next few days listening to him nag about how terrible a friend I was.

“Alright then, go on then,” I heaved on a sigh.

“Okay, so there’s someone.”

I waited, and when he didn’t elaborate, I said with some sarcasm, “Are you waiting for a drum roll or are you going to tell me sometime this century who this someone is?”

I could tell that the look he stabbed me with was blistering.

And so, I chuckled before asking, “This someone – a guy or girl?”

“I don’t believe it’s been that long ago when I told you I was taking a break from girls,” he snapped.

I didn’t say anything. I just looked at him, trying not to lose my patience. He must have sensed the change in my mood, because he gave a despondent sigh then.

“I’m sorry, Funky… I’m just –”

“No, it’s cool. I get it,” I said in a reconciliatory tone.

Isaac nodded and followed me as I led the way into my compound. We walked in silence toward my apartment.

Then I stopped and looked at him. “Actually, I don’t get it. You’ve never been this out of sorts over any guy. In your own words, you are refraining from dating girls because guys are much easier and less mess to deal with. This” – I waved my hands up and down over him – “is real messy.”

He chuckled.

“So, who’s the guy?”

He took in a deep breath, before answering me in the a very soft tone. “Tomi…”

“Who?”

“Tomiwa,” he said just a little bit louder.

“Tomiwa… I don’t know any Tomi –” My eyes widened with shock. “No!”

He was hanging his head, clear confirmation of what I was thinking. The Tomiwa I knew was Tomiwa Folashade, the groom whose wedding we were just coming back from.

What the fuck!

***

“Okay. Gist me now! Gist me everything!”

We were inside and I had thrown my purse and hat aside, my entire body just buzzing with a need to drink this tea.

“Well, I –”

“Hold on! Drinks! We need drinks for this!” I hurried over to the fridge, took out two bottles of Budweiser, and dashed back into the living room. Isaac had taken off his blazer and was settled on the couch, staring morosely at his phone.

I handed him a bottle. “Okay, you may go on.”

“It’s really not that serious anymore. It was before he got engaged.”

“Oh okay, so he was single when you two got together?”

“Not exactly…”

I made a face. “He was with this woman he’s now married too, and cheating on her with you?”

“What makes you think it wasn’t the other way round?” Isaac bristled. “That he was with me and cheating on me with her?”

I arched a disbelieving brow at him, and he expelled a breath.

“How could you be with this guy, knowing he was in a relationship with a woman?” I asked. I could hear the judgment in my voice, but I couldn’t help myself. Isaac was a hoe, but I’d always known him to have lines he wouldn’t cross.

“This is why I didn’t want to say anything to you,” he said softly.

“Because you did something you knew deep down you aren’t proud of?”

“No, because of the judgy look on your face right now,” he returned.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to judge. I’m just kinda disappointed.”

He groaned. “That’s even worse.”

“Couldn’t you have found someone else to shag the moment you knew he was with someone else?”

“It wasn’t just about sex.”

I rolled my eyes. “So, what are you saying now, that you guys were in love?”

“Maybe…”

I paused. I hadn’t expected that. This was very unlike Isaac. Then again, there was nothing about this entire affair that was like him. “Okay, maybe you loved him,” I finally said. “But, come on, Isaac, don’t tell me you got suckered into believing he loved you back.”

“For a time when I was with him, I did believe that,” he said. He was staring across the room at nothing. I looked steadily at his face, observing the play of emotions there, how his eyes flashed stormy with something dark and unfathomable while his jaws clenched and unclenched. “I believed him. But then, I realized that he simply wasn’t taking me – us seriously enough. And I broke things off with him.”

“You mean you broke off things off the moment he got engaged to someone else?”

He didn’t say anything.

It was like that for a few more minutes. We sat in silence, ruminating over the conversation and drinking. I soon emptied my bottle and then let out a sigh as something occurred to me.

“I’m guessing your cousin wasn’t the one who got us the invitation to the wedding, yes?”

Isaac nodded. “Tomiwa sent me the invite.”

“Why would he do that?”

“I have no idea… And I wasn’t interested in what his motives were. But then, he called to apologise, asked if we could start over, as friends – because he still wants me in his life, even if it’s not romantically anymore.”

“That sounds like a load of bullshit.”

He chuckled. “It does, doesn’t it?”

“At least, nothing happened between you guys after that, right?”

Isaac looked away.

My brows shot up as I said his name enquiringly, “Isaac?”

There was a catch to his voice as he said softly, “During the reception, we ran into each other in the restroom, and … and he kissed me.”

“That shit,” I said quietly.

“And then, while we were in the cab coming home, I got a text from him saying he feels really bad for disrespecting his wife and that he never wants to see me again, because I remind him of a past he’d rather forget.”

“That absolute shit,” I said.

I really didn’t like this man, and I could already envision the savage number I’d do on my review of his wedding. Glancing at Isaac and seeing how slumped he looked, I couldn’t help but feel bad for my friend; this was the most vulnerable I’d seen him in a long while.

“I mean, I’m not stupid…” he continued saying. “I knew nothing was going to happen between us again… I just – I just –”

He couldn’t finish what he was saying as he broke down and began to quietly sob. His shoulders were shaking and he’d dropped his bottle so he could grind his thumb and forefinger against his eyes, unsuccessfully trying to push back the flowing tears. I moved closer to him and took him in my arms. He resisted at first, before melting into my embrace, his quiet grief causing me to mutter a cussword at the man who had made him this way.

“I just hate myself for falling again…” he choked out.

“It’s okay, honey. It’s okay…” I said softly as I held him.

“I feel so stupid…”

“You’re not. You’re just human. Nobody’s perfect. We all make mistakes.”

His crying had abated and he began to withdraw from my embrace, sniffling as he used his hands to dry his eyes. “So you’ve slept with a married man before?”

“Eww, no, I have class,” I said.

That snapped the tension in the room and we found ourselves laughing. As the chuckles faded, we lay in the sofa, huddled against each other in companionable silence, each of us considering our love lives and the mistakes we’d made.

Then I said, “If it helps, I’m giving the event a 4/10 in my review tomorrow.”

Isaac chuckled. “It actually helps, thank you.”

I was reaching for my bottle to take another gulp of my drink when I remembered it was empty. “Just a minute,” I said as I got up from the couch. “I’m going to need another drink if I’m to get through this night. You?”

“No thanks, I haven’t even finished this one.”

“That’s what she said.”

Laughing at my own joke, I stood up from the couch and made my way into the kitchen. I was pulling open the door of the fridge when I heard a notification sound coming from my phone.

I froze.

Oh shit!

I wasn’t one to fuss over the privacy of my phone. I usually didn’t give two flying fucks about the notifications that come into my phone. Heck, I’d had Isaac read out my texts to me whenever I wasn’t within reach of my phone and he was.

But this notification was different. And today, all the fucks I gave were flying, really high.

I was slamming the door of the fridge back shut and had turned to hightail it back into the parlour to get my phone, when I heard the words I never thought I’d ever hear anyone say to me.

Isaac was the one who said them: “Funke, why do you have a lesbian dating app on your phone?”

TO BE CONTINUED.

Written by The Reverend