THE LOVE OF MY STRAIGHT BEST FRIEND

“I don’t understand how people can have more than one best friend,” Kat said.

“Maybe because they can relate to all of them and feel close to them in different ways,” I replied.

“Well, I still won’t have a best friend,” she maintained.

I laughed as I said, “Well, whether you like it or not, you are my best friend.”

“Nah, you have a lot of best friends. I can’t compete,” she said.

I met Kat online in a group chat. She was like the Queen Bee of the group (even though she wouldn’t accept that). Some of the girls liked her, others loved to hate her. Most of the guys wanted to date her, with some being obvious with their crush on her. She had this polarizing personality that you could love so much or just dislike, no in-betweens.

So, we developed a friendship. She is straight and really smart, and I’m sapiosexual. I had a girlfriend at the time, and she was in that group too. My coming out to Kat was really quite funny, because even when I kept telling her I was dating Cam (my girlfriend at the time), she wouldn’t believe me and would insist that another guy in the group had a crush on Cam – as though a heterosexual man’s crush on my girlfriend invalidated her lesbian sexual orientation. I had to show her screenshots of our conversations before she believed I was actually gay and dating Cam. Even then, till now, there are some questions she would ask that’ll make me wonder if she thinks I’m just messing with her.

I liked Kat a lot, but not so much in a much sexual way. I mean, did any sexual thoughts cross my mind at any point of our friendship? Yes, of course. I remember one drunken night (even though she’s in another continent, we drink together during long phone conversations), we were on a call and I asked her if she would let me kiss her and she said yeah. I don’t know if it was the alcohol or if she really meant that, but I didn’t read much meaning into it and didn’t bother bringing it up when we got sober. On her birthday, I got her a dildo and some other stuff; she was single at the time and part of me wanted her to think of me while she used it.

Kat and I had a friendship where we told each other basically everything. Then, she broke up with the guy she was seeing at one point. This guy, Ben, was a good friend of mine, and while Kat was still hurting over their breakup, he moved on with a new girl. I wasn’t aware of his new relationship until it ended as quickly as it started. So, technically, what I discovered was the breakup of his rebound. However, I didn’t tell Kat about this because of some reasons which at that point I thought were legit. I didn’t want her to hurt more. I felt it wasn’t in my place to tell her.

She eventually found out through someone else and I wanted to have a conversation about it, but she lashed out at me. She felt that I knew the whole time about Ben’s new relationship and didn’t tell her so she could have closure and move on. That I betrayed our friendship. I tried explaining to her that I had no idea Ben was seeing another girl until the so-called relationship ended, and that I didn’t tell her then because I didn’t want her to hurt more. But she wasn’t having it. I got quickly angered by her unreasonableness and in the heat of the quarrel, said some things back. And so, our friendship essentially came to an abrupt end.

Because of man. SMH.

I was super pissed at her and she was at me too, and we stayed months without talking. It was about 8 months, and I missed her so much during that estrangement. But I refused to do anything about a reconciliation. I got used to her not being a part of my life. Even then, we were still in that online group, and sometimes, I would throw shade just to get a reaction from her. But she completely ignored all my shady attempts at communicating with her.

One night, I was in my bed and I thought about her. Thought about our friendship and everything that happened, and I got really emotional. Because this was one girl that I believed I’d always have her back and she mine too. And we had let something that wasn’t worth it to ruin our friendship.

So, I decided to write to her. She had blocked me on WhatsApp. So, I took to futureme.org to write her a letter which I scheduled to be delivered to her in a month’s time, because I wanted to forget I sent the letter, thereby cutting away expectations of her replying the letter. This didn’t work though, because I thought about the letter every day of the month. I wasn’t sure she was going to reply, but then I’d be fine because I had tried to reach out.

On the evening of the day she received the letter, I got her response. She said she missed me too, and that since I sent the letter a month ago, she doesn’t know if I still felt same way as I did in the letter. And that if I did, I should reply and she would message me on WhatsApp. Boy, was I glad! I was overwhelmed with emotion as I swiftly typed back my response.

Later that night, we began chatting on WhatsApp. We didn’t dive into our issues immediately; we just did some catching up. In fact, it wasn’t till two days later that we talked about what happened. I asked her why she didn’t believe that I didn’t know about her ex’s relationship. She said that the part of her that likes me believed that I didn’t know, and the part of her that got mad believed that I did, because that was how she could justify the anger. She apologized for lashing out, and I apologized for everything. I told her I was happy to get my best friend back.

“Everyone is your BFF,” she teased. “You are not loyal. You’ll just be switching BFFs anyhow.”

“Kat, you are truly my best friend,” I said with feeling. “There is no one I could tell the things I tell you.”

When I asked her if she threw away the dildo that I got her for her birthday, she responded, “Why? What else will signify your presence in my life?”

I felt my eyes water and emotion fill my heart.

“You are special, Net,” she said. “No matter what, I don’t think I would ever cut you off totally.”

“So, you would have reached out?” I asked.

“At some point, yes. Not everyone is meant to stay, so if they were really meant to be in your life, something would bring them back.”

“I love you, Kat,” I said.

She laughed and said I was high.

“Tell me you love me too joor.”

“Of course, I do. Isn’t it obvious?”

“Say it,” I insisted.

“Net, I love you.”

Written by Net