THE LOVE OF THE BISEXUAL MAN
After reading Slim’s post on Sunday, something struck me, and I’d love to share my experience with you guys.
In my first year in the university, I fell in love with a guy in second year – or rather, he made me fall in love with him. I was seventeen, he twenty, I think. C was his name. He was the department’s sweetheart, loved by lecturers, envied by his classmates, loved by the ladies. That boy sabi book, no be small, and he topped that off with wicked good looks.
But I was not attracted to him. I cherished his friendship, his company, but that was it. I didn’t want to kiss him or do anything that lovers did with him, and I didn’t think he wanted to either, although he was very affectionate with me and cared for me. I was a little flattered that he was my guy, this boy who was the hot thing. His girlfriend, Q, was like me in many ways, dark-skinned and cutesy in a childlike, innocent way. I would come to like her eventually. But in first year, naive me, I’d call C in the evening when he was with his babe and he would leave her and come to me. And then he would tell me his babe was beginning to get upset, was asking if he was bisexual and preferred me, and was merely using her as cover-up (I was out to him and a few folks then and I think he’d told her). When I apologized for the inconvenience I brought on them, he would be like, “Na, I like spending time with you.”
Long story short, on the night or eve (I can’t remember) of my eighteenth birthday, he came to my room, woke me up and took me to the corridor where he asked what I wanted, that he cared about me so much and would want to make me happy. By then, I had enormous affection for him and was really lonely and sort of ebbing in and out of sadness. That was his way of asking me out, I think. We became closer.
At first, it was lovely. I still had no physical attraction for him, but that boy sha, he was good at his game. We would be in class reading and he would place his head on my laps as he read. Soon he would be tickling my thighs, moving his lips around my groin, nothing heavy, but my body would respond like fire to petrol. It was playful, loving, sweet and innocent. He didn’t care about whoever sat in front, reading, and really, people didn’t even seem to mind (I’ve always found it slightly easy to be myself around people without attracting hostility for some reason, and together with the casualness and unselfconscious nature of his affection, nobody seemed to care.) He had five other roommates in a room without bunks and they all coveted the corner by the wall, but whenever I slept over, they all left that corner for the both of us and, at night, both of us cuddled, and he’d light a fire in my body with his fingers and lips. He had a picture of me in his locker, for fuck’s sake!
So what happened after I returned from the holiday? I’d fallen deeply in love with him, and all of a sudden, he no longer wanted to touch me in those ways. He flirted endlessly with girls, breaking his girlfriend’s heart again and again, fucked some other girls, showed me chats of boys who flirted with him. He enjoyed flirting, I would come to know, enjoyed the power he wielded over people. He hurt people, damnit: me, his girlfriend, Q, and all the girls who would later revenge by making him lose an election.
We sha remained friends. He moved off-campus. I’d suck his dick but that was it. Even to cuddle, I had to throw a tantrum for that one. I resented him, was always crying, helpless, at so young an age, in the face of my need, my overwhelming affection. His girlfriend would leave him because of his cheating and he’d chase her and get her back. I’d stop talking to him, certain that an end to our friendship would be the end of this madness, and he’d corner me at the department and ask why I was doing this, that did I not know that he loved me, even though not in the way I wanted him to?
Not in the way I wanted him to – and yet, every time we lay side by side, his body would come alive, calling me to him.
Fast-forward years later and I have graduated, gone on to achieve some heights in my career. And I meet G on Facebook. My friends LOVE G! He was the elusive straight boy who fought for gay rights and hanged around gay guys but wasn’t into guys. Me and him, we began to chat and it was obvious he loved my work. Small-thing, small-thing, I shot my shot, asked him what he was into, because he was a fine boy and he had sense, plenty sense. He told me it was complicated, that he was into girls but was with a guy a year ago who showed him new possibilities. He asked if I was single and I said yes, and he asked if I wanted to give this a shot. We are states and states apart, but I was determined to make it work because he reassured me that he really wanted this and it must work. It just had to.
At first, it is beautiful. It seemed this would work – that is, until he started becoming scarce, not picking up calls, not returning them. When he was under so much pressure at work, he always wanted to talk to me, and I was there. But when I went to camp and needed him, he disappeared. No calls, no replies to texts. So I pulled back. I stopped calling and texting. Months later, he sent me a long message telling me he was sorry but he had fallen for me and was afraid he’d show me his shitty side because he always ended up hurting everybody he got into a relationship with. He said all the girls he’d been with, he hurt. He cheated or moved away. He didn’t want to do that to me and didn’t know how to relay it, so he acted out his shitty behaviour, and now he missed me and he was afraid he’d lost something invaluable.
Shrug.
I wished him luck, healing, meant it, and stayed away from him.
And so I am thinking: Many of us say we cannot date bisexual men because of past experiences. I can, and will, date a bi man, regardless of these experiences. But I’d love to know if you all can relate with the story I’ve just told. I know there are great bi guys out there and shitty gay guys, too, so this is not an indictment of bisexual men. However, it concerns me that all the stories of these guys I know follow a similar arch: They are here and not here, they sabotage their relationships, especially with women…
What are your experiences? Are these guys acting out the innate trauma of homophobia or are these mere coincidences?
Written by Rapum
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17 Comments
Swan King
May 05, 06:51Today’s fellowship will happen on twitter.
Pink Panther
May 05, 06:57Mai fren, talk your own osiso.
James
May 05, 07:32Good read .
I have read a lot from KD on stories of Bi men and them not good at dating and stuffs like this.
Let me remind us of something very serious here; it is easier to win the attention of a straight man completely ( though gradually) to an extent that they will choose being gay and dump the straight in them ( ya all conversionists know what am talking about ) . I mean if not complete attention but you can coin out total loyalty from a straight man ( who will not be straight again by the way after the sex) and MSMs who will always wanna call you all up for NSA sex. Either ways you find your self in control of affairs with these category of men.
But with a Bisexual man , you already know he has two options and want to get the best of both worlds.
Bisexuals go through a lot of mental hard work trying to balance up their thoughts which triggers their hormones and emotions to play for any gender they are with at the time. To me they do all these to at least be relevant to what they feel and how they react when they are in relationship with both genders.
Here is some advice from experience while dating a Bisexual man. And it works better if you both are bisexuals.
1) Help him manage his time with girlfriend. ( they always demand for unnecessary attention and a little of it keeps them mute and unsuspecting )
2) Discuss about his girlfriend when you both are together . Ask him how the relationship is going and other things . Remember you are the boyfriend and the girlfriend won’t ask about how you are faring cuz you are always off the lime light . ( make your self the guy he talks to about everything that goes in your rival’s relationship) .
3) If he always runs to you when they have issues try and be the solution provider by being a good friend. This gives you the edge to having sex often with your man cuz he will build that trust with you and know you are pro- Bi relationship.
4) Demand for your own time. Women could be worrisome most times so seek for the times he feels tired of the lady and always be there .
5) Discuss plans and be objective with him, ( career , work business etc. ) He should know that your love for him is a progressive one ..
6) You need to be good with the sex. Which ever role you are playing in the relationship. Be the master of it. And give him wild sex when ever he has the chance to and immediately you are done having sex advice him to go have sex with his girl too maybe she is horny ( me playing devils advocate here ; knowing her sex will be boring after the wild gay experience. ) He will simply look forward to coming back for more.
If you are gay and dating a Bisexual you should already prepare your mind to win much of the divided loyalty cuz your man can still love another man aside from the girl.
For two bisexuals … the experience of dating a girl and a man will bring you both to a consoling coner to always be there and pleasure your selves and be happy and do other things when your women are not close by.
Manach
May 05, 15:46This☝
Swan King
May 05, 07:36In my experiences with Bisexual men,
1) They more often than not assume they are better than U simply because they can date women…hello patriarchy!
2) They believe in heteronormative roles and the word versatile does not exist in their dictionary. “I’m not a woman to be fucked”
3) Uncertainty is a 3rd wheel in Ur relationship. U are uncertain if they’ll leave U for someone else…male or female.
U are uncertain if they love U.
U are uncertain if as U are with them, are they with U, be it for a night or for 9months.
Law
May 05, 08:52My boyfriend is bi, he is the best thing in my life for the past one year. But dating a bi… U have to be patient with them, most are a bit confused with a bit of homophobia. U just have to make some sacrifices to see it through.
Francis
May 05, 10:10Uncle in the picture looks like Alex Ekubo
James
May 05, 16:29My thoughts too. …
James
May 05, 11:18I can’t see my previous post here , pinky ?
Pink Panther
May 05, 17:16Previous post or comment. It’s right up there.
HIM
May 05, 13:32It was like an epiphany of sorts but I just realized that I’m like C.
Omiete
May 06, 01:01That looks like Brandon Anthony… Anyways been with bisexuals basically all my life and it never ever turned out good. (When will I learn… tea for another day). It’s just too much work unnecessary work I might add, most of them are simply gay men but because this is Nigeria they call themselves bi to feel good about themselves. They plainly tell you that they have a girlfriend and expect you to be okay with it or they would cheat on you and expect you not to vex because it’s not a guy. Like I don’t care if you like dick or pussy when we are in a relationship it’s me alone that should be in the picture. I totally understand if you need time to come to terms with what you love to do but don’t beg to fuck me one minute and the next your telling me to use my big dick on a girl sometime. Maybe Future Bae might be bi but am not considering dating a bi ever but who knows what can happen.
Swan King
May 06, 11:27Just so we are clear James, if U are gay and dating a Bisexual Male, U are (present continuous & future tense) second-fiddle!?
Do U people now see why I say Bisexual men are problematic!?
CHUCK
May 06, 15:50Leave them o. Imagine how low your self – esteem must be to accept being second class in love.
Jhon
May 16, 00:09Walahi….it’s like being the 4th or 5th wife of one Alhaji..
Cos Bi men are very free with their body….don’t think it’s just 3 people in the relationship… It could be a whole community… Lmao..
Brazyne
May 06, 23:22This Bisexual relationship is complicated.
If you can do it( if you’re mentally and emotionally capable).
Otherwise, just ask uncle to park well.
Happiness is our entitlement.
Jhon
May 16, 00:13Walahi Bi men have stress. I’m currently dating one..I gave him a long list of do’s and. Don’ts which he signed …but the matter is still in the Court of Appeal in my head..lol