The Pinky Theory
The Pinky Theory is one of the laws of the Gay Universe. Just like the Laws of Physics.
The Pinky Theory is as Immutable as Gravity, as Forceful as the Ocean, as Inescapable as Air. It simply states that A Person Is Gay If They Wag Their Tiny Fifth Finger, or “Pinky”, around.
Observe the average gay person.
The Pinky, or last finger, is usually held out at a distance from the rest. It’s as if it has a control button all its own.
The Pinky is the mirror, the LCD screen, the true display of the intentions and emotions of a gay person. In fact, the gayer they are, the more outstretched their pinky is.
Watch them lift their hands in church, gesticulate while talking to you, or walk along the streets- Pinky is always there, stretched out, communicating to the casual observer the deepest desires and feelings of this otherwise unknown person.
So, that’s it: if you ever see a person with ‘ A Pinky’, that person is gay. Simple and straightforward – er, not so ‘straight’forward…more like, ‘Bent’- bent at an angle actually.
Lol. If you’re wondering how I learnt about The Pinky Theory, it was during a visit to a friend of mine in Port Harcourt in Ye Goode Olde Days. He took one look at me and said “You’re So Gay…”
I was offended, and I was like, “How so?”
He said, “You Have a Pinky…”
I said, “Pinky? What’s that?”
And thus, I received my Education.
It’s interesting, no matter how straight-acting or manly you perceive yourself to be, your Pinky will always, er, come out. Especially in your unguarded moments. It seems you can control everything else – your sway, your twist, your hand-waves and finger-snaps, your shimmy, your sashay, even the way your long tresses flow in the wind when you throw your hair back as you mount that bike (or whatever it is you’ve been mounting…)
But you can’t hold the Pinky back.
So The Question is Not Whether that Guy you’ve been watching in your office is Gay Or Not, it’s – Does He Have A Pinky? Even if he’s flying beneath the radar like a witch in the night, and your experienced gaydar doesn’t trigger off, just look at his Little Finger. If It’s Bent, He Is Bent Too. Or at least Bendable.
Even if your prospect has successfully appropriated the techniques of a stealth bomber or wears an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter, don’t get it twisted. Once you see Pinky, Mission Accomplished. You can call HQ at 1-900-KitoKito, or email wind-don-blow-fowl-yansh-aff-show@kito.com, and tell Charlie and The Angels that the Target has been sighted.
Shakira once said, ‘Hips Don’t Lie.’ Well, neither does Pinky.
It’s the Law of the Gay Universe.
Written by Lanre Swagg, @lanreswagg
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40 Comments
daniel
September 16, 05:03Lanre u r definitely up to mischief this morning. I’ll just pretend I didn’t read this ‘go and wear yourself a kito’ article.. Mbokabeg who came up with this theory? Pinky?
pinkpanthertb
September 16, 05:05Me? i’m innocent as charged o!
shuga chocolata
September 16, 05:21Am lost, find me please.
Dennis Macauley
September 16, 05:29LOL!
I don’t even know how to react to this.
It’s a satire so I will just laugh it off! LOL
*Pink Panther Side Bar, NOW*
GB_SHOW!
September 16, 05:47Hehe, pinky is real but slap is more real…if u go approach some kind guy untop say in get pinky…dat slap no go b from dis planet o…be careful!
trystham
September 16, 06:03LOL oh well *continues rolling*
simba
September 16, 05:48I need look at myself to observe if I have a pinky…
Neon
September 16, 05:51Here we go again! Theory… This time! C’mon… Hasty generalization :X *stirs mocaccino*
pinkpanthertb
September 16, 05:54It’s a satire, Neon darling. A satire. Meant to be laughed over. 🙂
enigmous
September 17, 06:02Neon love….don’t tell me our bedroom will be boring o. You have to laugh it off when I make satiric jokes, even when you don’t really find them funny. After all, why else do I love u?
pinkpanthertb
September 17, 06:04*looking from enigmous to Neon* *doing it like TeamKizito* Hmmmm
enigmous
September 17, 06:12Lol…pinky hun, one of the dividends of being a kitodiaresian na, we find love in the strangest places #butit’snoneofmybusiness
trystham
September 16, 06:02Mtchewwww. Gay guys and trying to tag ppl they want to like by force. Na so so finger give away. Length of finger nails, placement of finger ring, pinky finger arch, chewability of fingers….ARGHHHH!!!!
JustJames
September 16, 06:08Trystham honey.. its meant to be funny. Had me laughing like crazy to be honest. Pinky theory… The heading picture didn’t help matters. Now I feel a desire to wave my pinky. Gats keep the thing under control.
trystham
September 16, 15:09I know jare. But I will be spending the better part of two weeks trying to wave the pinkie finger less. Cramps my style. Who’s a me without the gesticulating pinkie?
pinkpanthertb
September 16, 06:11Why so surly, Trystie dear? 🙂 Comon wave your pinky around like you just don’t care. lol
Dennis Macauley
September 16, 06:26LOL! U go soon chop pink slap!
s_sensei
September 16, 11:35Hahahahaha!
Lothario
September 16, 06:24Lmao…..this is funny! Had a good laugh reading it.
Thanks Lanre!
chestnut
September 16, 06:28Lol. Ok this is ridiculously funny. Well, at least no one can accuse us of not having a straight bone in our bodies…if someone tells me I’m so gay, now I can tell them “look at my little finger though;it’s straighter than a ruler!” (Oya little finger,start learning how to extend!)
pinkpanthertb
September 16, 07:24Hahahahahaa. Is little finger obeying?
chestnut
September 16, 08:16Like a good soldier in pink camouflage! *grin*
#TeamKizito
September 16, 06:52Hmm.
Absalom
September 16, 06:53Lololol. I’d be too weird out by a guy waving his pinky around to approach him. I prefer the Middle Finger Theory. Easier to…ass-imilate.
Dennis Macauley
September 16, 07:05Middle finger kwa? Pray! Explain
pinkpanthertb
September 16, 07:26*face palm* Oh Absalom. Lmao
chestnut
September 16, 08:11“Middle finger”?… “ASS-imilate”?all kinds of nasty images in my head right now. Oh Absolom u’re soooo wrong for this! LMAO. U’re going to hell in a hand-basket for this! LWKMD
R.A
September 16, 07:09Trololololol I’m in tears. The speed at which that pinky will glue to the rest fingers and land on your face ehn! You wee never ~hexperedit~
lluvmua
September 16, 07:45“(or whatever it is you’ve been mounting…)” ROTFL LMAO LOL LWKMD. This phrase got me rollin n the floor lolzzzzz * flips hair and starts laughing in karachicas voice * lol
Metrosexual
September 16, 09:46Karachika…!??? Oh No… ROTFLMAO.
Bane Salazar
September 16, 07:53How does one wag their pinky tho? This post made absolutely no sense!
Dennis Macauley
September 16, 08:18Just laugh my dear! We can’t be all serious and Thesis-eque all the time
Micky
September 16, 08:05Ok. Judging by this Pinky theory, am definitely not gay!
chestnut
September 16, 08:20I swear! Today is d first time I’m realising that my pinky finger hasn’t been living up to expectation all this while.
Deola
September 16, 09:01*Passing by*
king
September 16, 13:05First time hearing and no I don’t have a pinky!!
Aproko Pikin
September 16, 14:09I’m so gay but ‘straight-acting’….if you want to catch me by searching for a pinky, U are wrong…!
Samaurai
September 16, 14:55ROTFL
I couldn’t stop laughing.
Who is this Lanre guy, abeg?
Pinky ga-araputa gi one day.
Keep going about looking for pinkies.
A hot slap on your cheek will reset your gaydar by force.
commodo
April 26, 22:53the article might be a satire, but it’s so true though lol
All gay men I’ve met bent their pinky like that whenever they do something with the hand, like typing, or handing you something, or when they’re pointing at something in a notebook or whatever, when cutting hair, you name it.
It’s as if it somehow makes whatever they’re doing more delicate, as if their pinky fingers were going to get in the way or something. It’s not the same as lifting the pinky when having a drink, it’s as the article states, a bent of the pinky as if it was an arch.
It’s even more effective to identify a gay than the gay accent.
Joe
August 27, 15:20I was just wondering about this theory and its true that many, but not all gay men (as me), more commonly extend their pinky specially when holding objects (cups, among others)… as me. I wonder if its a genetic thing.