THE TRUTH
They say you leave a piece of you in everyone you date and break up with. They say you keep leaving pieces of yourself till there is nothing left inside you – just emptiness. I guess that’s how I feel sometimes, empty. Yes, I am one of those guys who can’t stay long in a relationship, not because I don’t want to but because it’s just hard. It’s like one minute, I say I want to be happy with one person, and then the universe turns on me. But then, it’s easy to blame the universe when you know the problem is you, because the day you decide to blame yourself, you might start having doubts about whether you are meant to be happy.
Falling in love is easy, but sometimes love is not enough. And so, I often ponder: when love is not enough, what do you do?
My friends tell me: “You are still young. You will meet the Right One. You will meet someone you truly care about and love in good time.” I chuckle sardonically to these reassurances because I know the truth even though admitting it to myself is hard. I ask myself about the possibility of staying steady long enough to know when I’m with the Right One, when I cannot stay in a relationship long enough to get past the point where things begin to bore me.
Someone once asked me, “How many guys have you dated?” And I tried to think. I tried to remember. I plucked a number that satisfied me and assured him that I am not the kind of guy who simply flits from one man to another. But that’s the easy part – the part where you lie to other people. The hard part is the reality that you cannot lie to yourself.
A while ago, I saw the movie, How To Be Single, and I realized that the longest I’d ever been single was for a year after I had one of the worst breakups of my life. I keep telling myself: Be single for a while. It will help you set your priorities right. And then some guy comes around and I am like: What if this is the one. Do you want to regret not taking a chance? And two to five months later, I get bored and it’s time to move on. When guys tell me they are celebrating two years of being together, I stare and wonder how they do it. When I utter my incredulity, they laugh and say nothing in response. Some of them don’t even know what the secret to a lasting relationship is.
I recently saw the TV show, 13 Reasons Why, and I found it relatable. Some people keep saying the girl had no good reason to kill herself. But I think to myself: Imagine a shitty world where you don’t feel love, where all you feel is emptiness. Imagine that was your reality. That is the kind of pain no one should ever have to live with.
But don’t worry, I am not suicidal – at least, not anymore. I wish however that I can be single – be single for a long time. But it’s always lonely when all your friends are in relationships. You find yourself feeling like the third wheel, and you begin to wish you were dating. Truthfully speaking, I am the best version of me when I am single. There is no drama, no mess- and then the twist comes, when sometimes, all you do is miss the drama and all the mess.
At the end of the day, the real truth is for one not to put his happiness in people. They will disappoint you. Boyfriends, lovers, even soul mates – no one should be counted on to preserve your happiness. The logical part of me knows this, understands this, that one should control his happiness. But that’s easier said than done – especially when you cannot control who you fall for and who gets to damage you. All one can ever hope for is to come out better.
And after all this back and forth, here’s the final truth. I have gone through many relationships and bad endings. I have made mistakes. And I wish I can say I regret them, but I am a person who thinks you shouldn’t regret anything you have done in life. You just learn from it and move on..
Written by XOXO
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14 Comments
Ken George
October 14, 05:43Omg! The piece quite relatable but mostly disturbingly confusing. All i will say is, relationship isnt for everyone. Some are designed to not be settled with one single person. Reasons why some people can never stay too long with one person include immaturity, shallowness, overbloated sense of self, selfishness and the feeling of being entitled to something u never worked for. What u need to do is to wake up and grow up already!
Mandy
October 14, 08:03This is a bit harsh, don’t you think? How can you say relationship isn’t for everyone and then finish up with reasons for people not staying in relationships as being only negative. In other words, that ratio of everyone that relationships aren’t meant for are all either immature, shallow, proud, selfish or entitled? That’s a very simplistic and skewed perception of the human psychology.
Ken George
October 14, 10:46You are welcome to provide alternative reasons for not being able to stay in a relationship. Dont just criticize and run away.
Mandy
October 14, 10:49Criticising and running away… That’s your specially, not mine.
I did provide a more perceptive alternative in my comment.
Mandy
October 14, 08:13Your piece reminds me of this Julia Roberts film, Eat Pray Love. In case you haven’t seen it, its about Julia Roberts character, a woman who was feeling very discontent with her life, a life that didn’t seem to have anything wrong with it. One time, she complained saying, “Since I was 15, I’ve either been with a guy or was breaking up with one.”
So she willed herself to go on a journey to discover herself. Alone. She didn’t take with her the baggage of man troubles or anything like that. Her journey was personal and she did it alone.
So yes, perhaps you need to do this alone. Stop that voice that keeps telling you the next guy might be the one. Silence it. Don’t be in a rush. Determine to stay single. Perhaps there’s a correlation between why you can’t stay single and why you can’t be in a relationship: you can’t be by yourself and you can’t be with anyone. The best way to discover this is when you’re in your own and all the noise of a relationship is not there to distract you.
I know this is cliche but it’s true: you have to first be happy with being in a relationship with yourself before you can hope to make a relationship work with someone else.
Ken George
October 14, 10:58Nice script. Well written for the movies designed to hit top box office and rake in millions. However zero basis in reality. The writer just told u he tried ur suggestion and it didnt work. I dont get the idea asking him to do the same thing over again. The fact is human beings arent designed to be alone for too long, at least most of us. All this talk of being in a relationship with urself appears quite ridiculous to me. If want something go for it and work at it. Dont just sit there sulk and say u are bored. You are only bored of the relationship by choice
Foxydevil
October 14, 11:07LMAO?
You just finished him.
And the funniest thing is that, the movie didn’t even do much at the box office. Even the audience found it ridiculous.
Pink Panther
October 14, 12:55So its lacklustre performance at the box office negates its message about life and love? Please be careful how you shit on a Julia Roberts movie. I’m a stan for that woman.
Ken George
October 14, 13:00Nah this aint a julia roberts flick. This is a no budget shitty nollywood version. And the message is wack. Lol
Pink Panther
October 14, 12:58Lol. To be a psychiatrist is not at all your calling, Ken George. You’re way too incisive.
Delle
October 14, 10:28Oh this is me! This is me ooo! This is so me????
Canis VY Majoris
October 14, 16:18You feel empty simply because you think you are so. Every thing starts and ends with the mind.
There is NOTHING wrong with being in a relationship for 2days or 2 weeks and moving on from it if you don’t FEEL as you ought to feel with that person. Making it works is just a human flaw doused by the fear of being alone and the perception of immortality.
People are supposed to be as different as their faces and this is what makes the world a beautiful and wondrous reality.
Do not condemn yourself by the standards set by others. Rate yourself based on who you are as an individual and what makes your heart beat. Then you’d find peace.
You are not empty, no one is. Maybe you are trying to fit in something that isn’t compatible with your being.
Black Dynasty
October 15, 11:14From what you’ve said, you seem to get into relationships because you don’t want to be alone or the only one of your friends not in a rship.
To me, you don’t yet know what you want….you’re better off single till you understand what it is that you want. If you can’t, then try going on multiple dates with a guy before jumping into a rship and find out if you’re interested enough in him to want to be in a rship.
By the second date, I can usually tell if the interest is mutual or not. If it isn’t, I’m always honest with the person. Longest rship thus far was 4yrs….
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