THE WAR OF MY MIND OVER BODY
This is going to sound really weird. Especially coming from someone like me. It’s something I’ve spent the past several days trying to understand and failing at it. Which is why I’m sharing it here, with hopes that I get an answer or explanation for it.
On the 2nd of January, a friend of mine visited me. We talked for hours about a variety of topics. Before long, we were making out. I hadn’t planned on having sex with him. But, in the heat of the moment, we were groaning and thrusting against each other. Lips locked, roving hands, all the works. Then we were stroking each other’s dicks. And, I suddenly realized I wanted him inside me.
I tried to dampen that feeling; to focus on the pleasure his hand on my dick and the fingers of his other hand in my ass, fingering me, and his lips and tongue on my nipple were bringing me. To focus on stroking him to climax. But, the more I tried, the more I wanted him to fuck me. And, somehow, I blurted my request out.
Dude knew what to do. He stretched me out with his fingers, slid on a condom and lubed up. Then he tried pushing into me. I pushed down and felt the head of his dick pop inside me. Immediately, he stopped moving to give me the space to adjust to him.
But my body had other plans.
As soon as he penetrated me, I felt my entire body shut down, like it was going into shock. It sounds weird, but I just was no longer in control of my body. It felt like I was standing outside my body and watching it do what it wanted. First, my ass muscles clenched and pushed him out. As in, my asshole actually ejected his dick from my body. And then it clamped shut.
Then my body went into full-blown panic mode. I started shaking like I was having a seizure – my legs, my torso, my arms. The only part of me that was still was my head.
There was no point in trying again, because the tremors refused to stop. He practically had to carry me to my bathroom and shower me because I had little control over my body. I kept shaking for hours. The tremors would last for a few minutes, subside for about a minute or two, and start again very intensely. Dude was a complete sweetheart, holding me through the tremors, telling me I’d be fine and suggesting us seeing a therapist together during the times the tremors subsided.
Finally, he took his leave. And I was left with a body that kept shaking for four more hours after he left. It wasn’t until almost 10pm that I became okay.
I wouldn’t have bothered writing about this, but, during the time I spent thinking about what could have caused this, I stumbled on something I’d forgotten about.
The last time I had sex was in April 2019, an event that can only be termed an exercise in futility. The time before that was in November 2017. I told myself, after that November episode, that the reason I wasn’t having sex was because I didn’t want to put myself through the rigours of rejection based on my status. I made it a point of duty to tell everyone I hooked up with after I found out I was poz. That way, I wouldn’t be taking anyone’s agency from them and their decisions to have sex with me, or not, would be purely influenced by the entirety of accurate information they had about me. I’d tried hooking up a couple of times, post November 2017, and, each time, the plans fell through because the people involved couldn’t handle the fact that I was poz. I didn’t mind. I still don’t.
And, by March 2018, I stopped trying to hook up with anyone.
However, I skated over something. The guy I had sex with in November 2017 (let’s call him Max) called me in February 2018 and wanted to know if I was around. I was, so we planned to hook up on the 14th of February. I got to his place that morning and after we had made out and everything, as soon as he penetrated me, my body shut down, ejecting him from my ass and clamping down completely. The shakes started and ended almost immediately. We tried to get back to it but my ass was firmly clamped shut. There was no coaxing it open for even a finger.
I’d buried this memory somewhere deep inside me and focused on people not being able to cope with my being poz as the reason why I didn’t have a sex life. Now, I think I subconsciously stopped trying to hook up with people, both those I knew from the past as well as new people, because there’s something wrong with me. What it is, I don’t know. But I do know for certain that there is something wrong.
I’d like to get the opinions of the house on this. Is this something I should worry about? Is it something I should ignore? Something that would fade with time? Something I need therapy for? Exactly what do I do about this?
Written by Mitch
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28 Comments
Mandy
January 20, 09:23Before I say anything else, I just want to express my awe at you. You had sex last in April 2019 and before that was November 2017??? No sex at all in all of 2018???
My God. How do you people do this? How do you manage to stay off sex for this long? I hear that gay guys go on celibacy trips, but mehn, it’s always shocking to me when I hear guys talking about not having sex for more than 6 months. That’s like a mutation. A rewrite of biology, of life as it should be.
Damn. No sex in a whole year plus. Just damn.
Delle
January 20, 11:14*opens new book of whorestitution*
Mandy, why isn’t your name in the list of the board of directors?
Mitch
January 20, 19:30?????
How do we wilfully stay off sex?
We just do.
For me, sex may be important but it’s something I can do without. Just like love.
Some people would say that’s cold but that’s me. That’s how I am. I may feel the pinch, but I’m able to numb myself to it.
Mandy
January 20, 09:25That said, are you sure you don’t need to see a therapist about this? Seems to me like there’s a psychological trauma that you’ve not dealt with regarding the rejections you’ve suffered over your status, which manifests itself through your body reacting to sexual activity.
Mitch
January 20, 19:33Ayayayayai!
Therapy!!
That’s the bit I’m still very uncomfortable with. I don’t like the feeling of letting anyone into my head. That’s a kind of vulnerable I sincerely don’t want to feel ever again.
Milton
January 20, 10:08Hey Mitch…
This is a complicated issue with a lot of grey areas. But one thing is clear, this is not something to be ignored. You need help and it has to be quick. Talk to someone, a professional most likely.
And you can do some mental exercise on your own… dig deep, find out what the trigger is and reconcile the difference. Make peace with yourself and find calm within you.
I feel a little relieved you’ve only ever experienced this with understanding people who didn’t feel the need to pressure or force you into sex.
It’s really sad to know you are going through this and I believe you can pull through mainly cos you are one of the most emotionally and intellectually strong person on here.
Stay strong dear and get the help you need.
Mitch
January 20, 19:36Thank you for your kind words.
I’d keep digging deep to find what caused this and how I can handle it. If that doesn’t work, I just might have to go for the therapy option.
trystham
January 20, 15:12I dunno, maybe its your own body’s response to the betrayal of whomever you think infected you, and its protection of you against any of such future occurrence as well as the punishment of whomever comes after.
As much as I think it problematic, I fucking like it
Mitch
January 20, 21:11??????
Okay! I like the way this sounds.
But, unfortunately, I don’t think that’s the case. Heck, I had sex on 2 different occasions between the time I found out I was poz and the November hookup.
If my body decided to protect itself, it sure chose a shitty time and style to do it. Plus, it started late?
Thanks for making me feel less like a freak though❤️
trystham
January 20, 15:26I dunno how far back this has been happening, but I think its your body trying to protect you from future betrayals like the one who you think infected you???
While it is problematic, me I like how that sounds jare
Black Dynasty
January 20, 16:39I think this would be something you’d need to see a therapist for. The mind can have very real physical effects that can go as far as being lethal but that’s a different topic.
I’d say you should check this out as a starter… “Emotional first aid, practical strategies for dealing with failure, rejection, guilt and other everyday psychological injuries”. It’s by Guy Winch.
It delves into psychological injuries most of us were never thought how to treat and heal like physical wounds…but the effect of them untreated are just as real as the physical.
If you can’t get the book in naij, I’ll be happy to get a copy and hand it over somehow when i pass through next month.
Mitch
January 20, 21:12I’d definitely try to find the book. If I can’t, I’d be sure to let you know so I can get a copy from you.
Thank you.
Black Dynasty
January 21, 16:31Very welcome.
Higwe
January 20, 20:42This is going to sound really weird. Especially coming from someone like me
***********
Absolutely not , in my experience people who talk a big game are often weaklings behind their keypads , so this doesn’t come as a surprise to me.
What does sound really weird though is that you’re making this about – sex .
Your body is shutting down and it’s not just your sexual life but everything about you.
You’re angry , you’re sad , you’re bitter.
You can put up a front here ( a front that has never fooled me BTW) as unbothered or whatever sassy vocabulary you people use to stroke your egos …but the truth is that your body is telling you the truth your fake friends aren’t …reason it’s starting to revolt against you.
I said it the other day that you’re gradually detoriating and instead of the people that claim to love you to help you out they’re fanning the embers that roasts you to perdition .
All the signs have been there :
The constant lashing out .
The pleasure you derive from reading tragic stories .
Tenebrific imaginations , twisted , eldritch and weird fantasies .
You’re headed for a massive breakdown .
The sex was just the trigger.
It’s like someone in a trans being lead back to the cave where it all began and your body reacts the only way it knew how .
It has too much biles and toxins than it can handle *
Clearly you are still very much sexual.
All your recent submissions involve a sexual encounter or two .
You’re either walking in on people having sex or you’re the one having it yourself .
You even imagined having sex with Amadioha ??
….so definitely you still crave for sex and romance .
You’ve just subconsciously declared yourself unworthy of having a healthy sex life just like you’ve declared yourself unworthy of happiness and having a healthy relationship with people you don’t deem worthy of being part of your ” esteemed ” circle ?.
*********************
HIV is scary I admit, but it’s not the worst thing in the world.
I’m pretty certain someone like Stevie Wonder will take being a Poz in exchange for sight ( to actually see the world he’s lived in for so long )
There are so many people that are trapped in worse situations, they weren’t even given an option of choice but they came out effulgent.
Fate gives us the map but we create the pathways .
Let light back into your life and you’ll see everywhere open up again including your asshole. ?
Forgive yourself and let go of the past and its recurring nightmares .
No therapist will do this for you , you’ll have to do it yourself .
****************
I don’t know if you realise how special and gifted you are .
A lot of people here are pretty good writers but you’re one of the few that stand out and that’s saying something.
Even greats like Chimamanda and Achebe ,when I’m reading their works I feel like their protagonists are extensions or abridgements of their true personalities.
You’re one of the few writers I know that manage to completely separate real life personalities from fictitious protagonists .
I know this is pretty cliche and hackneyed , but I truly think you’re destined for greatness .
I really wish you’ll let yourself attain your true potentials .
HIV like almost every disease before it will eventually have its cure .
Death- however, has no known remedy.
No life is perfect but choose “life” regardless .
Sending you love and light.
Bennet
January 20, 23:44This is funny. Oga Sir, this “you’re currently a mess, but I’m the bigger person so I wish you the best” strategy doesn’t fly. The angry bitter Mitch of a weakling finally has a problem so it’s an opportunity for a moral lesson, no? Hit them at their weakest, no? Just the way them soul-winning Christians wish for you to be near death on a hospital bed so that you can finally see God.
And then, the audacity you have to:
1. construct a persona for someone, with many details to the persona that have no rational basis;
2. force this persona on said someone; and
3. give “divine” criticism to the persona you’ve created.
The sheer audacity. And it’s a habit. You do this to quite a number of people. Even the times you’re possibly right, the way you do/say it like it’s your place is shocking. This will probably earn me a Higwe Says You’re Nobody title, but whatever.
Wish you the best in your search for a solution, Mitch. Know nothing that can help unfortunately, but I wish the best.
Pink Panther
January 21, 08:44Well said, Bennet. Absolutely well said.
Black Dynasty
January 21, 16:30This, all of this Bennet. Said perfectly & my general observation. I avoid reading replies by him, i see nothing has changed.
It is unfortunate to need that much validation from strangers online that he’s willing to hit a brother when he’s down and asking for help.
Congratulations Higwe.
Scarlet_witch
January 21, 11:20Boo boo, don’t you fucking love Mitch uncontrollably???
Terra
January 21, 12:35This is in the verge of making me physically ill. The actual fucking audacity. Because someone you dislike is out here asking for help, you come with your ridiculous, psycho analysis based on nothing. Insulting someone and putting a flimsy veil of “advice” on it. Someone that already has problems being vulnerable. Do you have any idea what it took for him to post this? Even on an anonymous platform like this, someone that hates being vulnerable struggle. Yet you came to spew your word vomit in waves of pretentious words that I know you got from a thesaurus. You are the actual worst. Have some love and fucking light.
Black Dynasty
January 21, 16:28This, all of this. Said perfectly & my general observation. I avoid reading replies by him, i see nothing has changed.
It is unfortunate to need that much validation from strangers online that he’s willing to hit a brother when he’s down and asking for help.
Congratulations Higwe.
Uzor
January 21, 19:44Lol. Why do I feel like someone is projecting?
Dunder
January 24, 17:38“people who talk a big game are often weaklings behind their keypads , so this doesn’t come as a surprise to me”- says the guy talking an even bigger game about someone he knows next to nothing about.
IBK
January 21, 11:51Pinky.. Is there a way to mute someone from comment sections? There’s a particular someone who when I visit here and see their comment makes me want to gouge my eyes out and I’d like to stop that before I actually do it. Patiently awaiting a response. Thanks.
Wonda Buoy
January 22, 07:19You’re having panic attacks. Seems to me that you have GAD – Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I’ve had it but yours is a different type. You’re lucky because you know the trigger. I saw psychiatrists and with the help of friends, I no longer have the panics. Mentally try to focus on the trauma and help yourself heal.
Mitch
January 23, 08:09Question is: what exactly is the trauma? Because nothing is coming to my mind.
Dimkpa
January 24, 09:40It might not readily come to you because the mind is good at shutting down unpleasant experiences in a bid to resolve emotional conflicts. I agree with Wonda Buoy that you have had a panic attack and possibly have a problem with anxiety. It seems you are actively avoiding sex and it might be good to explore the reasons behind it.
I went through a period of that once. Avoided sex for a year. I saw a therapist who encouraged me to get back on the saddle and I am glad I did.
I would recommend therapy, treatment and reading. They do help.
Francis
January 25, 12:09Therapists don’t come cheap at all and psychiatrists in this country no plenty like that talk less of finding one that still doesn’t think homosexuality is a disorder??♂️??♂️.
Hopefully some day out of the blues you’d discover the source of the trauma and tackle it head on without need for meds or speaking to someone.
If this started after the HIV diagnosis, you might still be having issues with the diagnosis which you think you’ve resolved but actually haven’t in some dimension.
You might also want to get a blunt ass close friend to help you analyze Pre HIV Mitch and Post HIV Mitch without sugarcoating anything. Maybe something changed there ?♂️
As always best wishes man ? ? ?
Kennie
January 26, 23:32Dear Mitch,
You are a bomb waiting to explode. This is a literally definition of what you are going through.
Therapy is a mental exercise, your situation has gone beyond it. This is a psychiatrist case. You have to go through sexual therapy for your body to be able to receive sex again.
You can deny your situation but like it’s been said here. Your mind is shutting down. I wish I can help but unfortunately.