TO THE FRIEND LOOKING FOR LOVE

Dear Friend

So, okay, the questions you asked me regarding the issues you have with finding love and being in a relationship really gave me pause. It was something I had to think on a long time in order to find the right response to you. It was especially hard for me because I just broke up with my boyfriend, so to be honest, I seek some of the same answers you came to me for.

Just for full disclosure, I had to ask a few friends of mine about this issue to gain their perspective (and with your permission, I would like to share their comments in a post on Kito Diaries, for all who have this same struggle to see all the sides of it). These friends had varying responses, and from all that was said, this is what I have for you.

Love, especially among gay men in Nigeria, is hard. It is hard to find. And it is hard to sustain. It is hard to keep. And it is hard to get over. It is the kind of hard that discourages even the staunchest romantics from believing in it.

But Love is there to be had. And it is what I wish for everyone who genuinely seeks it.

But in seeking it, remember to always put yourself first. No matter what, no matter whatever attractive package what seems to be love may come in, always consider your own self worth first. Love may come in packages that will seek to diminish you, guys who will want to make their love something you have to beat yourself up or make yourself less for, and you won’t even know it. The only way you will see this bullshit for what it is, is if you love yourself truly. If you put your self-worth first. If you consider yourself whole and deserving. If you value yourself.

People who desperately seek love or a relationship are often victims of insecurity issues. They always tend to bring down themselves in order to take whatever they can get. That is wrong. If you do that to yourself, whoever you land in a relationship will not find himself with the genuine You. He will only be dating the You that you have made yourself to be for him. That is unfair to you and to him. Love yourself always and do not compromise your self-worth for anybody who is potentially bae.

Secondly, do not make yourself do anything rash or unlike you in your bid to find a guy to be with. You say you are reserved, an introvert. Well, while that places you in a hard place to find guys, it’s a good thing that you say you have friends. Use them. Let your friends know you are looking for possibilities. Let them introduce you to guys. Let your hookups be organic. Only push yourself as far as you are comfortable with in meeting guys. All’s NOT fair in love and war when it comes to the Nigerian gay dating scene, because there are different factors waiting by the wayside to eat you up and spit you out if you push yourself into unfamiliar territory. Let your friends be your guide. And always, always listen to your heart.

That last part is tricky, because the heart can want what it wants sometimes so much, that it doesn’t recognize that what it wants is not right for you. But that’s okay. Mistakes are there for a reason: to teach us what we must not do with the next one. Many of the people I spoke to said things that ranged from love being overrated to relationships not being all that; but another friend said this isn’t good advice because you need to be allowed to learn these things by yourself. Telling you love is overrated won’t make you stop wanting to love. Saying relationships are not all that won’t make you stop yearning for a guy to call your own. So go ahead and want love. Desire a relationship. But knowing the disloyalty of Nigerian gay men the way I do, you will most likely get bruised a few times. And that is okay. Don’t be too crushed by the mistakes. They happen so you can grow.

Finally, do not be so focused on finding love that you forget to have fun along the way. I’m not saying you should go out there and be a hoe – even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a hoe. I’m saying: do not see the search for a boyfriend as a project. It is not. Free yourself. Open your mind. Look beyond how a guy may fit with you romantically. Enjoy those who come your way as friends first and foremost. Discover things with them, like how much they appeal to you, make you laugh, stimulate you intellectually and sexually – not with the goal of dating them in mind, but with the purpose of having fun.

And when you find yourselves clicking, if the feeling is good, if you’re getting good vibes from him, go for it! The problem a lot of us have with relationships is that we keep waiting for the other person to initiate the “let’s do this” conversation, too fearful of rejection to simply verbalize our need for something more exclusive with the other guy. And then we find ourselves falling into an undefined ‘thing’ which ultimately ends up in shambles and tears. If you like him and you believe he likes you, go for it. Define the chemistry between you two. If he turns you down, allow the sting to sink in, then shrug it off and move on. Better the sting now than the pain later.

My final words to you are my first words to you: never forget yourself in your search for a guy to complete you. There’s nothing wrong with believing that your happiness becomes complete when you are in a relationship with someone, but always remember that it is okay to be happy for you and you alone.

Because, after all, according to a friend, we may not all find love. And then, you’ll realize that you’re all the man you’ve got.

Written by Pink Panther