TWISTS AND STONES
FOREWORD: The following is a collaborative work of fiction between Vhar and Eros. I read the first few episodes and I thought it was sensational. Y’all have to get with this series. It looks to be a real delight. Read this episode and enjoy.
*
I hate gays!
I don’t understand how a guy falls in love with another guy. It’s absolutely insane. Very appalling. I see it as a mental condition, something that needs to be treated with various measures and mediums ranging from spirituality to meditation.
I feel a migraine coming on just thinking about it. They should be searched for and shot at on the spot. This abnormality is against the laws of nature. It is unnatural, because when God created man, He made a man and a woman and put them in a beautiful domain to procreate. He made the penis and the vagina which lubricates itself effortlessly. His intention was never for two males to fuck themselves in the ass. It’s absolutely ridiculous.
Lying there, I find myself feeling upset that I’m thinking about this when there’s a beautiful lady breathing softly beside me. Holy fuck, she’s beautiful! So much that I find my shaft filling up with blood and rising to the occasion of finding the perfect warm spot between her thighs again.
She turns to meet my puppy dog eyes and chuckles. “Charles, what do you want again? I’m tired o.”
“You can’t be tired o! This baby right here” – I point to my now turgid penis – “needs to be clothed in the warm enclave of your thighs.”
I lick her earlobes and she purrs. Gawd! That shit is insane. Her purring, I mean.
“Charles…” she says softly.
I stop her with a ravishing kiss. I flip her over to her side, pull on a condom and ease myself in with one swift thrust as I hold her waist tightly like it’s my life jacket out of this sea of ecstasy.
Tempo building, short gasps and grunts from our lips… Fuck! This shit feels good.
“Naya!” a voice and a knock simultaneously come from outside the apartment door. Our eyes flip open. Well, mine does. I’m trying to get my equilibrium while I move at a slower pace.
“Who the fuck is that?” I whisper hoarsely into her hair.
“How the hell am I supposed to know?” she whispers back.
There’s another knock and a shuffle of feet or something. Before we know what’s happening, the door bursts open, and standing in all her glory at the entrance is my sister, Moira.
“What the…” Moira gasps as she staggers backward with a dignified look of horrific embarrassment on her face.
And me? I let go of my babe and dive deep into the duvet as I go all acerbic on the intruder. “Hey little witch, close the door, will you?”
I’m totally embarrassed.
Naya chuckles and jabs me in the ribs. “Be nice.”
“Nice? When someone rains on my parade, nice is the last thing I want to be. Especially –”
“Hush, will you?” Moira cuts in while she struts in like some model, her aplomb now clearly back on. “Last time I checked, this is my friend’s apartment. It’s not like you pay the rent. So stow it!”
Looking from one twin to the other, Naya bursts out laughing. Her laughter raises our brows and we both look at her like she’s insane.
“You two…” She says this while waving a finger at Moira and I. “Cute…so cute.” She rolls out from under the bed cover in all her luscious naked beauty and continues, “You both clearly need the room.”
I am clearly more embarrassed at my present situation considering I’m still sporting a hard-on.
“What’s up with you though?” Naya asks my twin sister.
“Oh! You know we twins connect via telepathy, right?” Moira replies. “So I got here fast enough to get front row seats to the movie. And look…” She unzips her small knapsack, dips a fisted hand in and pulls out the middle finger at me. “I brought popcorn.”
Naya laughs again. Really hard this time.
I squint at her. How dare she? “Hey! Whose side are you on anyway?” I grouse.
“Er…on the devil’s, seeing as he set up this whole meeting in the first place.”
I throw the pillow at her.
“Felicia, get up! Get dressed! Get out! We ladies need the room,” Moira fires at me.
I sniff the air disdainfully in her direction, proceed to pull off my condom and pull on my boxers underneath the covers, before wagging my finger vigorously at Naya. “This business isn’t over.”
“I know. Meet me at the usual around 9pm. I’m out of condoms. Come with yours.”
I get dressed quickly. Then I walk towards Naya and plant a wet kiss on her lips. She purrs again.
Ugh, look what I’m missing! I smack Moira’s head and hurry out of the room before she can strike back, slamming the door behind me.
***
My name is Charles Udo. You met my twin, Moira and my babe Ifunnaya earlier. We were born on the 21th of June, 1986. I hear that makes us Gemini. I’m not sure what that means. I’m 5”11, athletic with tattoos on both arms and my right thigh. I hate cooking but I know my way around the kitchen. I’m a computer software programmer and an amateur swimmer. I was born head first like most children into a family of four – my twin and my parents. I love sex and I’m straight. Very straight.
I have just one friend, Beeko, who is dating my sister. Weird. Beeko is a nice guy who manages a prestigious bank here on the island. We met during our service year eight years ago and we’ve been friends ever since. ‘Family friends’ is more like it. Both our mothers lived on the same street when they were in their early stages of life. One thing led to another and they met again during my father’s 60th birthday.
Phone beeps.
Hmm…
I’m reading tweets and rants on the criminalization of homosexuality in Nigeria. Finally! Someone is doing something about this barbaric act perpetuated by insane individuals. I have tried to keep an open mind about sexuality, but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the idea of a guy loving a guy. As for two or more ladies making out, that’s a major turn on for me. Titties, pussies and luscious lips, the whole package. But guys? How dare they? I’m not a religious person, but I remember vividly, while growing up in Sunday school, that God didn’t create two guys and asked them to hump each other and procreate. He made Adam and Eve.
I grew up understanding that my father loved to gulp down bottles of beer. Whenever he got back from work, he’d go straight to the refrigerator and open up a bottle. I’d run into the kitchen to get my cup and ask him to pour me my share. He indulged me for a while, but when he couldn’t take it anymore, he stocked the same fridge with bottles of Sprite. He thought he could fool me seeing as the bottle of his favourite brand of beer and my own Sprite are of the same colour. I’d finish my drink and ask for his.
My point? It’s hard to believe that children are born teetotalers or gay. I believe they pick up this habit (that’s how I see it) from their environment. They want to experiment with what they see. They want a feel of it. Hence, this is why I am happy that this act is being criminalized. All this rubbish will have to stop somehow and this cycle gradually eradicated from among the human race.
Phone beeps.
An sms from Moira? That’s a new one.
“Hey pretty, your number isn’t going through. I can’t do this anymore. It’s either you break it off with Chuck or I move on. I can’t share you with anyone. I love you too much bae. PS: Next time you both do the dirty, don’t text me to come eat your pussy. I’m not one to make up for his incompetence in bed. M.”
THE FUCK?!
Written by Vhar & Eros
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37 Comments
Kenny
November 26, 06:34Lol! Incompetent straight homophobe! Guess the joke’s on him now.
Mandy
November 26, 06:59Wait, WHAT?! Did Moira just mis-send a gay message to her homophobic brother? LOL. You know the devil is the one who outed you when your closet doors are yanked open for the most homophobic member of your family.
Kenny
November 26, 07:04But he actually likes lesbians. He just hates the idea of a man taking the ‘d’ up his ‘dry ass’
Mandy
November 26, 07:08He likes the idea of lesbians doing each other. Not necessarily having it come too close to home.
Peak
November 26, 07:12I don’t think he would like the idea of sharing naya’s punani with his twin sister.
Pink Panther
November 26, 07:13Heheheheee!!! Punani.
Peak
November 26, 07:08Oooookkkkkkkaaaaaayyyyyyy
Brian Collins
November 26, 07:11Yeh!!! Ki le le yi? This first episode is tintilating. I want more. I really did not see that coming. I sure hoped that we wouldn’t see him make a turnaround like Jiro from TAM but this is something else. First story here on KD from a homophobe’s POV first collabo too.
Question though, how come Vhar and Eros are doing this together?
Pink Panther
November 26, 07:14Uh, Jiro is from Roulette of the Damned, not TAM. 🙂 You’re welcome.
Brian Collins
November 26, 11:34Thank you o jare.
#Chestnut
November 26, 07:37Choi! And Charles Udo thinks he knows how to fuck…buahahaha!
I also thought it might turn into a “Jiro/Andrew” situation,at first.
Mitch
November 26, 07:53That teetotaler analogy was so flawed, I practically puked all over my bed clothes. Disgusting homophobes!
#Chestnut
November 26, 08:32Lol.calm down honey.shey u know it’s not real?
Keredim
November 26, 13:13Thought you slept naked??
Francis
November 26, 08:18Small lesbian romance. About time. lol
Dick Advocate
November 26, 08:59Nice story!
Still don’t get what the story is about though.
I hate investing emotional feelings into fictional stories. Next time please don’t tell us it’s fictional, let’s assume it’s real. It works better to key into the story that way. It’s not a coincidence that movies based on true life stories always run away with awards.
Max
November 26, 10:19I never knew you had emotions
Keredim
November 26, 13:17Oh Lawd, you gonna be one of those who believe everything they read on KD?!! ???
Don’t!!!!??
Deola
November 26, 09:20“I’m not one to make up for his incompetence in bed. M.”
Jesu Kristi! This geh has no chill. ?
Masked Man
November 26, 12:00I was expecting to see you here.
Chizzie
November 26, 09:38Not exactly excited about this first episode,but let’s see how subsequent entries go. And please tone it down on the vulgarities.
Vhar.
November 26, 09:59I see you still have the bite of a stiff drink. 🙂
About the expletives, Validation is for parking.
Chizzie
November 26, 10:21You know its really amateurish when ppl critique your work and you go ahead to translate it as being shady and then stoop even lower by trying (and failing) to be shady.
What was I even thinking giving this series the benefit of doubt. Seeing as it was partly penned by you, it’s definitely going to be terrible and expect me not to mince my words if it is
Vhar.
November 26, 11:07BOUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
?
Pink Panther
November 26, 11:09Lol. Its not bad, Chizzie. Trust me. Read subsequent episodes with an open mind though
Brian Collins
November 26, 11:40PP leave him abeg, how many people read his d post sef that he is talking? On average he barely gets 7 comments. This one on the first day has more than 20 already.
And to just think that he wrote something like ‘tone down on the vulgarities’ chai this Chizzie is just a suntin.
Chizzie
November 26, 13:25Bia Brian I fu lu’m na nlo? Hapu’m aka biko, ogini kam mere gi? I di ime?
Peak
November 26, 17:27LMAO! The clowns on this blog though. No be small you see for dream
Ruby
November 26, 10:21Wait Wha….?????
Tobby
November 26, 11:25Hehehehehehe. This is gooood
Khaleesi
November 26, 12:11Beautifully written … i can sense a series with a rich and vivid storyline, please done keep us hanging for too long …
Keredim
November 26, 13:21Not that it matters, but I like it.
????????
JustJames
November 26, 13:53*waiting and watching*
Kaytee
November 26, 14:44nice twist
bashir
November 26, 16:38Interesting start up, I think am gonna like this charles guy….sounds like a lot is gonna happen to him tho!
Jide
November 26, 19:58Hello Bashir
Eddie
November 26, 20:02I was taken aback by the opening initially but then it turned out that the homophobic twat had his comeuppance…what a blow to his ego lol