Under Construction: Kitchen Sink
…because a kitchen sink to you is not a kitchen sink to me.
It hardly is black and white. Happy or sad. Good or bad. Okay or not okay. Much like quantum superpositioning, it is any and all. I float and I drown. I’m high and I’m so low. I’m alive and I’m dead. Fuck, it’s a miracle I’ve not taken to drugs! I sometimes wonder if this is what hell feels like, or what it would be when I finally get there.
I guess there is so much hiding a person can do before they forget the way out. Layers of lies and deception that I’m beginning to question myself. Am I a function of my lies? Am I this guy or is he a tangent of another guy I created many years ago who is a tangent of yet another guy? Do I actually like this thing or does he? Am I even gay? Are my made-up stories real? Are my “real” stories made up? Sometimes I forget when I’m playing a character. Sometimes I forget who I am. Am I even here anymore?
At first it was a necessity; a way to survive. I needed to be better than I was. I needed to be stronger than I was. I needed to not feel like I did. I needed them. But as people saw through them, they had to become more complex. More real, and as they were better than me they slowly took over. Somehow I knew what was happening but as they got me through each day I gladly surrendered; a passenger in my own head.
I’ve been recalling things lately and I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll find out that I’m not who I think I am; I’ve built a sort of life on these people and I’m scared. On the other hand, though, it’d finally be a relief to know what cowardly thing lies beneath all my false bravado.
Written by Eggsy
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31 Comments
ken
January 23, 06:21Some people are just gifted in the art of words…nice one! I can totally relate
Mandy
January 23, 06:26This Eggsy just krikum-krakumed my brain with this piece. Damn!
Max 2.0
January 23, 07:02Captivating
Khaleesi
January 23, 07:59***scratches head**” what exactly was the thrust and direction of this piece?
Max 2.0
January 23, 08:10It’s about the lying and self deceit which we all go/went through at some point. When you accept yourself though, it all goes away.
This is just a snippet into MGM’s/IH ridden individual’s minds… They lie to themselves for so long till they start believing it.
Pink Panther
January 23, 08:18Lol. Max, not all MGMs are self-liars, you know.
Tiercel de Claron
January 23, 09:29Hope u are fine now,P
ken
January 23, 14:32Pp unless u dont live in naija, theres always some form of lie. From tenders years, we are mostly taught to hate our true selves bcos its an ‘abormination’.
As a result almost everyone is living in some form of fear/lies……….. Fear of being exposed, fear from the outcome of being exposed and we tell lies to protect ourselves
Tiercel de Claron
January 23, 09:27And you just had to spoil a good answer with your usual stite.When will u grow up?
Max 2.0
January 23, 09:50Happy new year @ TDC, thought you’ve been deleted from this world as part of the new year cleansing..but here you are again in all your glory.
Tiercel de Claron
January 23, 10:04Seeing as i’m built to outlast u by decades,i’ll advise u perish such thought from ur mind.Happy new year to u too,Max.Hope u are good.You’re yet to answer my question tho,when will u grow up?.You can’t stay a boy forever
Max 2.0
January 23, 10:19Over 1/3(>> 35%) of your life span has already been spent riding on a high unicorn and burying your thoughts in deep disturbing texts and rationalizing your entire existence on institutions that loathe what you are as a person, feeds you bread crumbs of their toxic pretence love, judge and chastise you weekly and yet you visit them weekly and make excuses for them( Stockholm syndrome effect). So if you wanna talk about being a child, take a long good look at your life and you’ll see. You still have about 2/3 of your life left, I suggest you make good with what little time you have left.
Tiercel de Claron
January 23, 10:51Yet i’m not the one that lose sleep,throw tantrums n spit vitriol every chance i get,peace of mind yet proving elusive.Who’s it feeding on toxic fumes again?
Tiercel de Claron
January 23, 11:04Wasn’t my intent to draw attention to the emperor’s apparel this day,just……beneath all the layers lies a better Max,a beautiful Max,i believe.We’d caught glimpses of him before.That’s who i’ll like u to find,bring to fore
Max 2.0
January 23, 11:16I treat people the way they treat me, it’s as simple as that. If you promise to be good, then you can count on me to keep my end of the bargain.
Tiercel de Claron
January 23, 11:44I didn’t know we were haggling over a piece of merchandise.What are u selling,Maz?.All i ever wanted of u is that u be a better person i know u can be.Beyond that…..nothing else,really.
Tiercel de Claron
January 23, 11:53You’ll agree with me all i noted about you,sans any underlying malice,has bn right on the money:-)
Still can’t say why i like u,beyond the fact u remind me of someone those years growing up. So,the saving of u i’d taken upon myself
ken
January 24, 08:41TDC just be quiet, please!
bruno
January 23, 08:08at least you realise lying – both to yourself and to others – is a cowardly way to live.
you have just one life to live and you aren’t really living it if you are not true to who you are.
D-boy
January 23, 11:49What is living your ‘true life’ isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be?
What if living in a bubble is what keeps us going? The world is a horrible place, yet we keep hope alive and live in a bubble telling ourselves that things will get better.
People live a less than true life in many aspects of their life . People falsify their ages, earnings etc Yet we are expected in this one aspect be true or else be damned.
And maybe bravery is a choice and not an obligation.
Pink Panther
January 23, 14:45Wow. This has all shades of truth in it. While life has some meaning when you’re living it truthfully, oftentimes, a little bubble helps keep one afloat.
Dimkpa
January 23, 18:14One thing about bubbles is that they burst. Personally I won’t put much premium on that. I want to live my life such that when I am on my death bed, I won’t have to wish I had lived like I wanted to ask opposed to living like others wanted me to.
Though I am not a fan of hers, I believe Caitlyn Jenner would say it is better late than never when she is about to go.
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul”
Live your authentic life is what I would say. I don’t think there is truer happiness to be found outside that.
bruno
January 24, 08:10thanks
Colossus
January 23, 08:16Beautiful piece. Introspective.
kacee
January 23, 09:15wow
Teflondon
January 23, 09:54Seriously.. Whatever!
Oluwadamilare
January 23, 10:52Good piece.
I believe the most important part is to be true to yourself…
… There are some other people u can’t just be true to … Yet.
Delle
January 23, 12:00Thank God for my Longman Dictionary, it really came in handy throughout the read of this entry.
*wipes off sweat beads*
ken
January 23, 14:34There are people who would’ve become another caitlyn if nigeria was a bit more lenient and liberal… but alas, the must stick to their fake loveless marriage till death do them apart!
Pink Panther
January 23, 14:47So it’s those who are married that are trapped as a consequence of Nigeria’s stiffling gay clime?
Stein
January 23, 22:15I…wow! It’s almost as if I was interviewed and this piece was written