UP AND DOWN MEMORY LANE (Episode 12)
Have I ever been heartbroken?
I use to think that I’m way too emotionally stable to get heartbroken. But after two events that left me in a total mess emotionally, I came to believe that there’s no predicting the affairs of the heart. All is needed for you to suffer heartbreak is the right person and the right amount of love.
What about the other way around? Have I ever broken someone’s heart?
Well, yes. I didn’t break it though. I did something far worse. I carved it out of his chest, sliced into small cubes, spiced it up with the right amount of chili and served it to him.
Let’s call him Dee.
We meet via Facebook at a point I was right in the middle of my sexuality bridge. At a point when I was looking for answers and explanation.
At the time we started chatting, he was in Lagos visiting his sister. So we talked a lot over the phone almost every night. During one of those conversations, he said, “I’ll rim your ass when I come to Enugu.”
“What? I have no idea what that is,” I blurted out at him, bewildered.
“Don’t worry, I’d show you when I come and you’ll be dancing with your waist when I get to work.”
Many weeks later, I was at Ifesinachi Motor Park waiting to pick him up. I fretted a bit. Dee wasn’t the best looking guy out there. And on top of that, he was light complexioned, which was against my preference for dark-skinned guys. I was struggling with questions over my attraction for him. But one thing was sure: I couldn’t pass up the opportunity of exploring that being with him promised. This chance to finally have sex, to be with someone who I could talk to about my craving for dicks and cakes, to hold someone very close and intimately in bed – and of course, to know the pleasures of being rimmed.
So, I was looking forward to a lot of things that his looks or skin color wasn’t going to deprive me of.
A bus pulled in and people started alighting from it with their luggage. And then there was Dee with his backpack, his eyes behind sun-glasses moving this way and that, no doubt looking for me. For the slightest moment, I felt a little tugging in my stomach.
“Hello Dee,” I said when I stepped right in front of him.
He removed the sun-glasses to reveal slightly-bulging eyeballs and smiled. “What’s up, Michael?”
“Nothing much. How was your journey?” I said as I led him out of the park.
“Long and stressful, but it was OK.”
Soon, we were home. I got him some food. As he ate, he wouldn’t stop commending on my culinary skill.
We talked for a bit after his meal. And then, before long, we fell into each other, kissing, grasping and caressing, sorting through the accumulated sexual tension that had piled up from many weeks of talking on the phone.
We had sex throughout that weekend. We fucked a lot, him in me, me in him. I remember my heart beating as he engineered my topping. Like most things I’d experienced with him, this would be my first. He guided my erection into his asshole, moving his derriere to further take me in. My heart was threatening to burst from my chest. But the warm tight feeling of his inside around my penis cooled my anxiety. His anal ring clamped down on the base of my penis, and I groaned with pleasure. This was a different kind of pleasure from the sensations I felt with his penetration inside me. This felt so good before.
Then, the weekend was over and he had to go. I didn’t want him to but there was nothing I could do.
The magic however quickly wore off. Two more visits between us, and I got fed up. I told him I could not put up with the long distance anymore. He said Ok, and said I could keep friends with benefits and fuck buddies around, that he wouldn’t mind, as long as we remained together. I said no. I didn’t want to do that. In truth, I realized I didn’t like him well enough and it killed me that he seemed to be smitten by me while I could not even begin to reciprocate his affections. I didn’t want to carry on like that.
So I took up the dagger, drove it through his chest, and the rest was history.
Our breakup wasn’t easy for him. He cried and begged. He even asked to be my side fuck, should I choose to carry on with any other person. He was willing to settle for anything I could give, just as long as we shared some intimacy. He would concede to anything, just to make me stay.
But I knew I’d used him in a way, and the guilt was eating at me. Plus, it didn’t seem fair to be with him when he was clearly in love with me and I wasn’t in love with him. That was not the kind of monster I was. Instead, I chose to be the kind of monster who was determined to set him free for his own good, even though he couldn’t see it that way.
Being the one who gets your heart broken is tough. But when you care about someone whose heart you have to break… There’s no way of expressing just how uniquely terrible you feel.
Written by Michael
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14 Comments
Francis
May 09, 07:42Isn’t telling the person the honest truth better than this “let me save you some pain” breakup tactic? I’d rather be told the truth and nothing but the truth than some lie that would keep me pining hopelessly.
P.S: The sex was hot sha. I wonder if the feeling would be the same if i ever attempt topping! Hmmmm
KryxxX
May 09, 08:37Before you start talking about feelings, ask small oga Francis if he wee rise to the occasion oh! ???Maka adịghị a ma ama. ? ? ? ?. Those small small oga can like to be betrayed betrayal. Falling hand is their forte. ?????
Francis
May 09, 08:40??? The rubbish get mood swings like me. Some days, erection stays put with topping thoughts and some days it vanishes completely at the slightest hint of that thought
Sean
November 22, 09:49Hmmmm
Dumdum
May 09, 08:01“…when you care about someone whose heart you have to break… There’s no way of expressing just how uniquely terrible you feel…”
I can relate.
I did care for him but i didn’t love him as much he loved me. I felt that if i tried to explain he’d make me change my mind. So, i just walked away without an explanation.
I still feel the guilt at times. It’s one of the worst things i’ve ever done.
Pink Panther
May 09, 08:09Couldn’t you have written him? Emailed him? Texted him? Anything to give him closure on the ending of your relationship? It’s awful to simply walk away from someone without giving them a reason to adjust to the end of the relationship.
ambivalentone
May 09, 10:22You can call it cowardice, but sometimes, I think a clean break is best, especially when u start acting up and still he never latches on. He shud get the message.
Francis
May 09, 10:57Clean break that can leave someone with so much resentment that could cost you if you cross paths down the line. Be careful of the bridges you burn.
Dana Opal
May 09, 11:41“Be careful of the bridges you burn.”
I totally agree with this Francis
IBK
May 09, 11:22Please in what world is a clean break best for anyone but the person doing it? Deal with things like adults. Talk and after talking and letting the other person know you’re done with them you can break whatever. Don’t leave people hanging and wondering if something or what is wrong with them.
Pink Panther
May 09, 11:50Thank you! @IBK and Francis.
When the relationship started, words were said. An agreement happened. Y’all didn’t just fall into it. He didn’t intuite into your thoughts for a dating. What’s then with a breakup where you don’t talk about breaking up with him? What is even clean about a breakup where you leave the other party hanging? How’s that a clean break?
Black Dynasty
May 09, 16:42Amen to that. It’s not a clean break up, it’s just the cowards way out unfortunately. Breakups can get super messy, but if you were man enough to get in one, do the same on the way out.
It sucks having no closure, with all the “what if’s” hanging in the air. Makes it that much harder to heal and move on.
Dumdum
May 09, 19:10I did try much later but he didn’t want any contact with me.
IBK
May 09, 20:16Geeee I wonder why ?