WE SHOULD ALL BE ACTIVISTS
“Why are you carrying this gay thing on your head? Why are you being all gay activist and all?”
Those were the words of a good friend of mine when an argument broke out between us.
Now I’m going to say this right here: if you’re gay and you don’t believe in gay marriage, you don’t believe a child can grow up with two fathers and be happy, turn out right and adjust well to society, my dear, you have internalized homophobia. You are absolutely self-loathing.
Homophobia is the irrational fear and/or despisal of being gay or gay people. This feeling may come from one or various sources which include religion and archaic cultures, practices that hold the belief that relationships should be solely between a man and a woman. Now if you’re gay and a certain part of you still thinks you’re born wrong, if you still think you’re not normal, then you are plagued by this. It’s called internalized because it comes from within.
A lot of people here think we use that term, ‘internalized homophobia’, to shame fellow gay people who haven’t fully accepted themselves. Believe it or not, I do not derive joy from using it on anyone. I feel sad whenever I see a gay man who hasn’t accepted himself yet, especially when they’re not twenty-something anymore. I mean, how long should it take you to realize that the entire world is crazy? How long should it take you to start loving yourself and living by your own rules? How long are you going to allow a two-thousand-year-old book to sit in judgment of you for something you have no control over, something that comes naturally to you? How long are you going to accept as your due the disapprobation of people over who you are, even though you’ve never done anything wrong to them? How long are you going to remain ostensibly without an opinion in defense when gay people are being vilified by those who know nothing about them?
My friend told me to live my life in my own little way, that after all, I have all I want and nobody is disturbing me. He told me not “to be doing this gay activism thing”. He told me that I shouldn’t be defined by my sexuality because I’m more than my sexuality. Now, straight people never get to be told not to be defined by their sexuality. And yet, their sexuality is all they’re defined with. The kind of cars they drive, the kind of food they take in, the kind of clothes they wear, the kind of careers they choose, the kind of hobbies or sports they partake in, the kind of drinks they take – these all define heterosexuals based on their sexual orientation. So, hearing a gay man tell me not to be defined by my sexuality is quite funny, because straight people don’t get such thrown at them. In our culture, men are encouraged not to partake of what goes on in the kitchen simply because they’re men and it’s the job of the women to cook. This instance may very well be an issue of gender, but it’s also steeped in sexuality. Our society does not think a man should be attracted to a man, or that a man who is effeminate is worthy of regard – these are characteristics they imagine a woman embodying. The sexual partner of a man, the swaying hips and limp-wristed hands – these are not what a man is supposed to be about, society believes. A lot of times, gender has played a huge part in fostering the existence of homophobia and its internalized counterpart in the society.
No heterosexual person believes that a man and a woman shouldn’t get married. They may believe that marriage is not compulsory for every man and woman, but ultimately, they see nothing wrong with the union of man and wife. Why then would a gay man not believe in gay marriage?
As gay person in Nigeria, it’s often disheartening to see that over 70% of gay people in Nigeria do not believe two men can live together in matrimony. Heck, they don’t even think it is right for two men or two women to make a family. After all, everyone is still going to marry a woman whether you like it or not – is the common logic peddled by such gay people. To them, the act of getting in bed with a same sex partner only serves as pit-stops to what is ultimately every person’s destiny – ending up with someone of the opposite sex.
To these people, I want to say: Being gay is not a game. It is your life. You came into this world, pure and unadulterated, no harm done to anyone. And then, at some point in your progress through life, someone came along and told you that you are crazy for loving another man, and because of it, because of your need for societal validation and to satisfy the people around you, you caved, you buckled, and you imbibed that consciousness that goes against that person you know you are. You closed your heart from the love of another like you because you do not believe in its wholeness. You do not believe in the reality or rightness of its existence.
At the end of the day, if you permit yourself some introspection, you will come to realize that everything you believe wrong about your own sexuality comes from a conditioning of the society around you. The people, their practices, the opinions, the bible – all these are factors of the society that conditioned you to believe less in who you are and more in who you are expected to be.
Now we shouldn’t even be here talking about this in this twenty-first century. We shouldn’t only have to congregate on a not-so-secret blog to air our views and promote our desires as a gay people. Something has to give. We have been marrying people from the opposite sex for decades. And it has to stop. We shouldn’t be marrying women. We shouldn’t be making families with men. It does not matter the very many reasons that are peddled as rationalizations for wanting these things that go against the grain of the gay community, such reasons like wanting children. How dare you? Just – how dare you? How dare you believe it’s morally justifiable to wed a woman you don’t entirely love just so you can have children, when in actual fact, that desire comes from a need to attain validation in the society? How dare you? How dare you not see that those vows you are saying with that man you intend to spend the rest of your life with ultimately violates the sanctity of your union when you still intend to carry on with other women behind his back? How dare you? How dare you try to give an excuse for deception?
A lie is a lie. It does not matter how well you’ve played it, or how sheltered you have managed to keep the person you’re lying to from the lie. It doesn’t matter how happy you have made her, or how content you have kept him. A lie can only bring happiness for so long, especially when that lie was made to occur due to the conditioning of your environment.
We should all want more than this for ourselves. We should stop making excuses for what we have chosen to be which serves as an antithesis of who we truly are. We should learn to stop giving in to fear – that emotion that is so powerful that it has defined the lives in the community for years. All those substances that have led to the pervasion of fear in you – the people, the families, they shall pass away. And they will be true to themselves until the period they pass away. Why then should their impressions dictate how true to yourself you should be before you pass away?
There are people who are of the opinion that for a gay Nigerian to be true to himself, he would have to relocate to western civilizations outside Nigeria. But we can’t keep running away from Nigeria. The minorities in those civilizations did not run away when their countries became too toxic for them. They stayed put. They lived and they loved and they endeavoured for their freedoms. Life isn’t about living long. It’s about living well. And how well can you live, truly, when that life is a lie? We should want more than this for ourselves.
Future generations of Nigerian gay people should not emerge to a gay community that still believes these reproaches about us. They should emerge to the truths that being gay is much more than who you sleep with, much more than hooking up on manjam and grindr. They should emerge to the truths that there can be loving relationships between a man and a man, and a woman and a woman, that hopping from one sexual partner to the other, on the highway to matrimony with someone of the opposite sex, is not the life of a gay person. We should want more than this, if not for us, then for these future generations of gay Nigerians.
Don’t be the type that says, “It doesn’t concern me… I’m just living my life… I don’t care about activism, I just want to be on my own and do my own thing…” Believe it or not, we’re all in this together. It should concern you. You shouldn’t just live your life. You should care. You should not want to be on your own. You should stop wanting to do your own thing, so you can see about encouraging that gay person next to you into self acceptance. Because first we must accept ourselves, before others can accept us. First we must believe in ourselves for others to believe in us. We should want more out of life than what we are getting, and it all begins with the understanding that we owe it to ourselves to fight one step at a time, one day at a time, for it all. It all begins with you, with me, with us.
Written by Max
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77 Comments
ken
October 15, 05:26Wow! Max marry meeeeeee!!!!
But seriously, life aint easy being gay. Having to second guess yourself everytime, double check that you are not “doing like a woman'” everytime.
And lets face it, almost all of us here will eventually get married. Not because we have internalised homophobia, but perhaps because its logically more advantageous to be married and have the two and half kids, than hop from one man to another in a never ending search for “the one”.
Francis
October 15, 06:10I had an issue with gay marriage once and looking back at that time well, it wasn’t IH. I just didn’t understand the whole obsession with marriage…having one person in your space for eternity till death do you part. As time went by I started seeing the beauty in it and the major benefits accrued to married folks which civil partnership didn’t completely give to gay folks and I came on board.
Not everyone can be an activist and I’m cool with that as that’s the harsh reality of life. What pisses me off is when peeps don’t want to act but spend most of their time tearing down people who have chosen to put a face to the fight.
Pink Panther
October 15, 06:12Your anger is my annoyance too. Even if you decide not to be an activist in any small way you can, don’t then turn around to put down those who are trying to give the community a face. I mean, you can’t speak out for the gay community but you can speak against those who can?
Francis
October 15, 06:20Some peeps thrive on the thought illicit nature of gay sex. Once it becomes mainstream, the whole thrill is lost so they fight to maintain the status quo
Dennis Macaulay
October 15, 07:18People think of activists only as the one who carries a rainbow flag and marches in the streets. Yes that is an activist, but there are the ones who educate their colleagues on why homophobia makes no sense.
Yesterday my coworkers were teasing a very girly Konga delivery man behind his back and I went ahead to chronicle for them the struggles of a girly man living in Nigeria; how they are bullied, depressed and made to feel less than human. That they don’t have to add to the problems and I was very pleased when they became contrite.
I think it’s the paranoia of being “suspected” that makes people keep quiet and not speak up when they should.
Francis
October 15, 08:16True that paranoia of being suspected plays a part too.
Mandy
October 15, 06:17Wow. Just wow.
This is the kind of stuff Martin Luther speeches are made of. The kind of fire imparted at TEDex talks.
Well done, Max. This is very well done.
Oluwadamilare Okoro
October 15, 06:39I totally agree with all that’s said above…. We all should be activists in whatever small way we can.
Even if we cannot be public activists, then let us do it within the community… I am sure we will all agree that some form of activism is needed within our community itself.
Some people may only need enlightenment because all they know is what the society has made them aware of.
Dennis Macaulay
October 15, 07:12Max the preacher in his typical “one size fits all” solutions.
Very valid argument my friend, this is why I love you in spite of the fact that you drive me crazy half the time.
This post is gonna be interesting!
**puts on 7D glasses, grabs popcorn and sits with chestnut**
Henrie
October 15, 07:35Thank you, Max. I could never have put this better. I am afraid this right here may be the major bane to LGBT rights movement in this country. This self-inflicted unacceptance and invisibility boggles my mind beyond comprehension. I was consternated the day a gay acquaintance told me he would’ve arranged “boys” to beat up a popular very effeminate guy named bayo in my school. You need to hear some of our views on gender-switching. You need to hear some of us voicing support for the 14yrs law arguing it helps to keep us in check or blaming its enactment on LGBT activists in the first place. You need to hear our stern opposition to gay marriage. It is horrible. It is exasperating always having to explain gay rights to homophobes and homosexuals alike. The damage religion, culture, and society has done to some of us appears irredeemable.
But all in all, i think we shouldn’t despair. Not everyone must fall in line, at least not the same time. I still believe one man can change the world. The few voices of reason will eventually prevail and even the house negros will enjoy the benefits. If a whole homosexual Dolce & Gabbana living in a free increasingly irreligious Europe can be against gay marriage, then such mentality amongst overtly religious Nigerians shouldn’t be so surprising. Let those who will get married get married, when the fight is won, they will leave their marriages.
pete
October 15, 07:36While I don’t have much problem with the article, I feel it reeks of looking at this issue from one perspective. The writer saw the issue of sexuality from his own perspective as it affects him & expect everyone irrespective of your leaning to agree with him.
I have no problem with same-sex marriage and/or rearing kids by same-sex couples. I don’t even have any issue with people who wish not to get married. To everyone, his own. My problem is with trying to shepherd everyone to only accepting your view as truly logical.
I hope & work in my own little way for equality in all spheres of life. And the dig at religion was totally uncalled for. I can’t remember the last time I was in a church nor do I believe everything written in the bible, but to tar people who choose to believe as weak ain’t good at all.
Silver Cat
October 15, 07:48Dear Max and fellow KDians, can U please cut me and fellow Internalized Homophobes some slack?
Being gay isn’t a choice I made neither is having IH. It takes a lot of getting used to especially when U’ve been the butt of too many jokes for catwalking or being limp-wristed (never knew this was a word) or talking like a girl or even called FAGGOT (or any of its numerous derivatives). It’s only natural that U get to hate Urself or the thing that makes others hate U.
With the passage of time and intellectual maturity, U learn to care less and less about what others think of U and slowly begin to accept Urself as U are, even it takes U 25yrs to admit to Urself that U are gay. And then U have to permit Urself to love and be loved by another guy after years of learning that it is wrong from bible study(Rome wasn’t built in a day guys). Just when U want to breathe easy, Ur country slams U with the 14yr thing and U shrink further into Ur shell. Anonymous online blogs make it possible for U to interphase with like-minded people and Ur journey of self-acceptance continues.
Then comes the tidal wave of gay marriage and all Ur Sunday school lessons come flooding back. U know how U feel…felt but then U can’t choose Urself above a God who U’ve come to know and love and so U straddle the proverbial fence. In ur added defence, U don’t see Urself marrying anyone or rather anyone marrying U (no thanks to years of bullying U’ve endured that has done a number on Ur self-esteem and Ur attitudunal quirks which most people can’t stand and let’s not forget Ur nerves the average Nigerian can get on in 3mins).
So my dear friends, we who suffer from Internalized Homophobia be it mild, moderate or severe ain’t having a tea party. Cut us some slack mbok. We hate ourselves for hating ourselves (homosexuality), so please don’t add to hate-party. Ka Chineke mezie okwu a.
Francis
October 15, 08:26Sorry for the hurt man, most of us have all gone through this phase and truth be told once in a blue moon I do still battle with it.
If I’m to speak for those of us bashing IHs, we only have an issue with those cases of IH that perpetuate the torture gay folks suffer.
Best of luck in your journey ?
sensei
October 15, 08:56Thank you for this comment. Sometimes we act as if people who have internalized homophobia chose to be so deliberately or as if they are happy about it. We should recognize genuine ignorance when we see it. These people don’t know any better. What is needed is education via effective communication that is delivered in empathy. I don’t know what our intention is. Is it to condemn them and show them for the “weaklings” that they are? Or do we aim to CHANGE them?
ikhines
October 15, 07:51I do not believe in marriage, heterosexual or homosexual… it’s my opinion and not all heterosexual people believe in marriage pls get your facts right! I do not support homophobia but the issue of marriage is a personal choice.
Brian Collins
October 15, 08:14Didn’t this one throw his phone away already.
Mitch
October 15, 08:02We may not all be overt activists but we MUST all be activists.
Thank you Max. Times like these remind me of why I really do like you.
sensei
October 15, 08:03Great article. I have just two points to raise. First, I see how we are always quick to refer to some desires and expectations as being conditioned by society. And I agree. Let’s talk about marriage. Please tell me, why would anyone want to get married? Marriage is not an institution that exists in nature. It’s a man made construct that has been framed in silver and elevated, making it desirable to everyone. Please quote me anywhere, the desire for marriage (whether gay or straight) has its roots in societal conditioning. Let’s think about it for a minute. Why would a person VOW to be with another for the rest of their natural lives NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS? Please before you start screaming about how “bitches can’t control their sex drive and ain’t loyal”, understand me first. Let’s examine nature to see what “true marriage” looks like. Monogamy is common among birds. The Bald eagle can stick with a partner for as long as 35 years. This long term partnership begins without fanfare, without a ceremony of any kind. It’s just two birds “in love”, who see a mate in each other and stay together forever. It’s that simple. Marriage should be defined by the duration of the partnership not some vow, ceremony or register. A “long” relationship is defined by its end not its beginning. Some so called marriages last shorter than ordinary relationships. Those ones don marry too bah? But human beings are more interested in appearances than reality. We want a ceremony, vows that there is no way of proving we can keep, a big gold ring etc. All these and many more are artificial additions to NATURAL long term relationship. Why can’t we just say: boy meets boy and they live happily together forever after? Or do we think that vow that is even fashionable to break on the wedding night has got anything to do with faithfulness in marriage or even success of long term relationships? As far as I’m concerned, doesn’t matter if I get married or not, marriage is a man-made construct, an artificial and a highly unsuccessful institution. Look around! Not everyone wants to get married. Why? Because we are different! Not everyone can stand one person for too long! We cannot all want the same thing! The more advanced a society is, the less there is societal pressure to get married and that doesn’t mean you can’t have people who are in a monogamous relationship for many years without being “married”. And is far as I’m concerned, there will be a time in this world when we are sufficiently advanced that marriage (in its present form) will cease to exist.
Dennis Macaulay
October 15, 08:54Sensei very valid points, however there are legal reasons why people want a marriage; pension, inheritance, wills. Imagine living with someone your whole life and they die interstate and you get kicked out of a home.
Many societies do not respect “common law marriages” in the legal sense of the word.
sensei
October 15, 09:09Thank you. I was expecting that point, DM. Again, marital laws (like marriage) are a man-made construct and can be altered. I expect that alteration to happen in the future when we realize that the marriage institution as it stands is archaic. And I don’t think people should desire marriage because of things such as inheritance, wills and pension. Maybe some do. But to my mind, the real reason for marriage should be companionship. And im sure even now, there should be a way to circumvent these issues using stuff like “next of kin” and “power of attorney” etc
Max
October 15, 09:27This piece isn’t about the desire for marriage. There are many hetero and gay people who don’t want it. It’s about the reason for hating “gay” marriage, which comes from a deep rooted social conditioning about what marriage should be.
Andrevn
October 15, 08:04Well said Maxine. *standing ovation*
The whole issue of self loathing comes from how the hetero-normative and some aspects of the LGBTQIA (especially Nigerian) communities has conscripted us for so long into believing unpopular trends which does not only do more harm than good but makes the future bleak for the younger generation.
We should all be Activist, True. But how willing are the same gay men for whom LGBTIA activism is being proferred for are ready to look society and personal comfort – yes, the my sexuality doesn’t need to be shouted out from the roof tops, and engage friends, acquaintance and family in which ever way possible no matter how minuscule their effort might be.
The time is now. To change the face of LGBTIA in Nigeria and no better way than to start first with the internal turmoil that has riddled our individuality. The perception of what LOVE IS and NOT should be revamped.
Simple fact and let it be known far and wide, we are just attracted to the same sex and Human.
Thanks once again. Voltron de Maxine
sensei
October 15, 08:19My second rant: just yesterday I was complaining to Pinky and other friends about the lack of an activism consciousness (if I may call it that in the Nigerian LGBT community). This blog on some days has as high as 3000 visitors. Yet till date, the majority are happy to read and move along. The minority who are visible are more interested in tearing themselves up in the comments section and pointing out grammatical errors. We are like kids in the playground that is riddled with cobras. We are happy to play hide and seek, fall all over each other and fight each other all day long. Why are we not huddled in corners here and there, PLOTTING on how to take out the cobras? What great ideas have we had from these 3000 readers on what to do as a group about homophobia? Instead, we focus forever on side issues when we have ferocious beasts in the kitchen. Na so we go dey? I think we should distinguish main issues from side issues. The most important thing that this 3000 strong readership should produce is a Nigerian LGBT strategy. Discussions on such a strategy should feature PROMINENTLY in the comments section. If not, na play we dey play here.
Max
October 15, 08:58Thanks
Francis
October 15, 09:29Even on major blogs, a ton of peeps don’t comment. They just read and move along and there’s nothing you can do about it. Now don’t assume that the silent ones arent learning and implementing a thing or two from the posts and comments. Some people just aren’t vocal about their day-to-day bizness.
Also some have decided to just siddon look as they would rather not be a part of the ridiculous cat fights that go on in the comment section. There’s only so much negativity one can deal with at time.
With regards to LGBT strategies, let those of us that have some feel free share with the house so we can discuss ?
sensei
October 15, 10:07@Max, thank you too.
@Francis: i’m not assuming the readers are not learning anything. On the contrary, I know they are learning A LOT. However, the silent learning is not enough. We should do more.
Williams
October 15, 08:29It’s impractical to say you’re gay and a Christian.That’s one major reason for the late onset self acceptance,that conflict between trying to please God,and being real/truthful to yourself.
Itz_Mztur JOJOARMANI
October 15, 09:10nice writeup max! first, when it comes to marriage all i picture is me with the latest makeup on, an amazing high hill that would aid my dance with my man so when i reason deep, its very hard for me to believe that i would get stocked as the man and some lady who ‘likes’ what i ‘like’ would be cheering our guest with dance steps meant for me!…..
what am trying to say is,we ain’t all out to getting married,not all straight guys consider marriage likewise we gays.
been a gay activist at times can be frustrating!yes! i went to an all boys secondary school, if u know what it means to be feminine here in Nigeria u would consider some folks who decide to be in that closet till thy kingdom come.
“‘ndi ntuu”
“Ome ka nwanyi,nekwa ike mu”
“HOMO!!!”
those are words that can kill anyone’s morale at any moment.
live and lets live!when there’s an opportunity to tell others about YOU, do it with no hesitation.
Tobby
October 15, 09:19Marriage generally is overrated, hetero or gay.
Why would anyone want to do such a terrifying thing? *shudders*
Max
October 15, 09:32You’re missing the point here. The point isn’t about embracing marriage, the point is about giving the same value enjoyed by heterosexual marriages to a homosexual one.
The point is to make sure that no gay man sees gay marriage as being lesser than a hetero one in any way.
It’s not about telling gay people to go and marry men, its about making sure that even even if you don’t want to do it, don’t say you’re against it( because of some weird thing going on in your head).
papasmurf
October 15, 09:29@ Williams”it’s impractical to say you’re gay and a Christian”
I’m gay and Christian…a catholic christian to boot! I used to feel that way, until a priest friend asked me if Christ himself came down to earth, would condemn me? That’s when I realised that I can be gay and love God fiercely.
We christians can sha interprete the bible to suit our narrow-minded views. What happened to the slogan “what would jesus do?”
It took YEARS to get to where I am right now… Accepting myself and learning to love myself didn’t come in a flash so to anyone on a journey to self discovery and ultimately self love, I say… Soldier on! Take all the time you need, and arrive safe and happy, comfortable in your own skin.
And to the heteros here’s news for you…
We’re here, we’re gay, and we are FABULOUS!
Williams
October 15, 11:48Didn’t know the Catholic church in Nigeria is soft pedalling on homosexuality,isn’t that a good step in the right direction?We need more of such priests…
Tiercel de Claron
October 15, 16:55When has the Catholic church as a whole ever “hard pedalled” on homosexuality?.
Peak
October 15, 09:52Brilliant message, but it’s delivery was all over the place (I say this without venom). It started well, ended beautifully, but I had to swim my way out of the middle.
U don’t deliver such an embracing and sensitive issue with particularized view.
“How long should it take you to start loving yourself and living by your own rules?”
I think you are making the same mistake society makes. Just as our faces and features are different, so is our aspirations. We have state this countless times here, that our pace differs. Yes! It’s a joint destination, but the journey and path differs for everyone. Like Dennis said, u used a “one size fits all” to tend to the needs of a very homogeneous community. Just like how society expects everyone to be or ironing out the mordalities for marriage by age 30, u managed to recreate the benchmark with this…”especially when they’re not twenty-something anymore.”
Straight ppl marry and get into relationships for all the fictitious reasons and no one bats an eye. A gay man or woman does that and it becomes a capital offense. Aren’t we all striving for equality and living and being judged with the same standard?
Lets not pretend that the rate of enlightenment, self accepance and growth amongst gay Nigerians has not increase over the years. The fact that we haven’t appreciated or acknowledged the little progress we have made is something to think about. Yes there is still room for improvement and a long way to go, but I seriously doubt that the story would be the same as it is 10years from now. Just as the story isn’t the same as it is now 10 years ago.
Aside from societal pressure, most Nigerian gay men are AFRAID to sign up for a long commited relationship with another gay Nigerian (that is IH too, right?). Perhaps we should start visitng the issues of why we don’t see ourselves having a stable relationship, perhaps we should visit the issues of longevity jn the community. Cos all we do is talk about a problem without addressing their causatives. Who knows, if we can reorientate ourselves that it is okay to have a stable relationship with another man with the goals of being with the person and not the thought of “afterall we would not get married”, then maybe, just maybe! We would have a shot at battling the issues of gay men and women “selling out”. Say what you will, but a everyone wants who they can call their own. I don’t want to be 50 and still be doing drive by(s) at universities **hey Dennis & Lothario** or looking for lovers every 3 months. If we can adress the issue of Loyalty, perhaps we can rest that tired tune of “nigga ain’t loyal”. No one wants to invest in disloyalty, so they opt for what looks like a stable advantage.
sensei
October 15, 10:10*applause*
Max
October 15, 10:21We r both saying the same thing, albeit differently. You touched the over-flogged hoe issue which I’m not going to dive into now.
Good points.
Chizzie
October 15, 09:57Activism is a noble thing, but should we all be activists? No. The problem with we gays is that we feel we must all think alike, and must all agree and must all fight for the same course. We want tolerance, yet we aren’t tolerant with ourselves.
If a gay man has an opinion or a point of reasoning that isn’t ideally ‘gay’, then he is seen as an outcast. But this shouldn’t be so.
We are first humans then gay. I do think you should be defined by the fact that you are human more than you should by your sexuality.
Isn’t that what we all hope for? A world where our sexuality shouldn’t matter at all. Where no one would give a hoot or bat an eye lid if you are gay, and where everyone is more concerned about you being human with human feelings and human opinions
If a gay man doesn’t believe in gay marriage or gay relationships, that shouldn’t make him homophobic. There are many many many straight people who do not believe in marriage or having kids, does that make them heterophobic?
If someone is still struggling to come to terms with his sexuality, then thats his own personal battle and really you should just leave them be
What is absolutely wrong is the prosecution of people based on thier sexuality, like the draconian law we have in Nigeria. Thats where we should channel our activism to.
Not on agreeing with each other and sharing the same opinions and kumbaya-ing
sensei
October 15, 10:13This was absolutely BRILLIANT!
R.A
October 16, 06:13WOW! Just WOW!
Dimkpa
October 15, 09:59Thank you for raising this issue. I am of the opinion that from time to time this consciousness should be raised amongst us so that we realise it is not all fun and games.
I believe that the least any one of us can do is coming out. Not necessarily to the entire world, though that would be welcome, but to family. If all of us can change the minds in our little corner then soon enough there will be enough people who will be less likely to air homophobic views, less likely to join mobs that beat gay individuals and less likely to support draconian rules against people only being true to their nature.
No matter what, family at the end of the day is family and they won’t disown you forever.
We have to be visible, otherwise the lie that being gay is western culture will continue.
Coming out can be in phases, first to one sibling, then another, then parents and ao on. Each one will give you confidence to take the next step.
Personally I have come to the point that I am incapable of denying my sexuality or avoiding the question when asked. I am done lying about it. It is a crime against myself which I am no longer willing to commit for anyone.
Max
October 15, 10:24” I am done lying about it. It is a crime against myself which I am no longer willing to commit for anyone.”
Daalu.
Pink Panther
October 15, 10:53Dimkpa, that position you’re in now is exactly where I’m at. These days, I really can’t bring myself with the vehement denial of my sexuality. When someone who matters to me is brave enough to ask, I tell. Simple as that. And in coming out, depending on the reaction, you can better anchor yourself to pass across the message of tolerance.
Khaleesi
October 15, 15:00@Dimkpa, yes bro!! i’ve come to that point where i can no longer lie about my sexuality as well, if you ask and you’re someone i care about and who i believe should know, i tell you; if i think it none of your business, i tell you to mind your fucking business as my sexuality is no concern of yours anyway or i deliver my personal favourite “why do you want to know my sexuality? do you want to sleep with me?” works like a charm everytime, but i shall no longer deny my sexuality, and in the same vein, i dont permit homophobic persons to play any meaningful roles in my life, life is too short for such a gross disservice!
Teflondon
October 15, 11:25**Drops any form of prejudice, Ignore the writer Tef address the issue**
Firstly,
“if you’re gay and you don’t believe in gay marriage, you don’t believe a child can grow up with two fathers and be happy, turn out right and adjust well to society, my dear, you have internalized homophobia. You are absolutely self-loathing.”
I disagree completely with this statement, i do not believe in Gay Marriage and also think its appropriate for a child to grow up in a traditional family. of cause there are thousands of cases were single mothers have raised successful kids but it is my belief that it is paramount and ideal for a child to be nurtured by a man and a woman because both sexes bring different things to the table.
Do i have ‘Internalized Homophobia’ for my beliefs? i doubt that.
Secondly, I still believe it is very possible to make your point or pass across your argument without sounding condensing or ‘putting down’ another set of people in doing so. This set of people are called genuine Christians that read, follow abide and act by a book called the bible (which is the word of God) but so apply wisdom (through the Holy spirit) in doing so. Real Christians are no fools like it is always tried to be portrayed on the blog. Not everyone who calls the name of God are real Christians. Now, i know the argument about what the bible says about Homosexuality will come up but i am not going to delve in that today, just do a proper research and you will understand better. You will ask why my long thesis on Christianity, Well! it saddens me when a set of people (Gays) are generalizing about another set of people (True Christians) and condemn and what they believe in while this same set of people (Gays) are angry at the world and Majority that they are also being condemned for what they feel and believe in (that it is normal). At the end, we are doing exactly the same thing we are feel injustice for and by so doing creating a divided house. If you do no understand or agree with something, why condemn it? what about to ‘Live and Let Live’ or this only applies to when it directly affects us?
#EnoughSaid
Whether we like it or not, openly admit it or not we will always live by society pressures and demands. its the way it has always been generations from now and that’s how it will always be. NO one man can change that not even a set of people. Do you think before now people have not tried? the world needs to be structured to avoid chaos and anarchy. even with all the rules and regulation guiding the society and the world at large, we still see a lot of outlaws and chaos everywhere.
Lastly, the need to Seek for Equality for Gay Marriage is not necessary to me, there really ins’t anything special in it. i believe in only one kind of marriage and its the traditional one but i don’t have any issue with Gay Marriage itself, its the activism thrown towards it i don’t agree with. if Gay Marriage equality comes. Fine. If it doesn’t, Fine. we need to chill on all the Bu HA HA! that seems to be the order of the about it these days.
does my comment mean i have ‘Internalized Homophobia’ some will say yes but i disagree. This is just my way of thinking and the facts we are gay doesn’t mean we all have to think alike. Like someone said earlier, we are humans first then we are gay.
I’m an activist of some sort, i speak to my straight friends about it all the time, i tell my very large online followers about it, i don’t hide myself, i tell anyone that cares to hear. I’m out to my family. i use my real pictures and nicknames (that everyone knows me by) in all my social media accounts (which sadly majority of us that call ourselves activist cannot do, this is the smallest Quota you can contribute to the community, smallest of things you can do before you call yourself activist. Activist but Hiding? C’mon who are we fooling) even between ourselves here in the KD community we hide our identities from each-other, yet we come here and start forming vol-tron. while i openly serve God and let people know how passionate i am about him. yes! you heard that right, i am openly Gay and Love and serve God passionately. its possible. i do it and God has not disappointed me till date.
Max
October 15, 11:33Had a lot of things in mind to say about this comment, but on a second thought, I remembered why it was typed in the first place, so I’m not going to indugle you. Not today.
Pink Panther
October 15, 13:24Lol. The same reaction and second thought I had.
Rev; Hot
October 15, 14:03Nah. Tef, IT IS internalized homophobia not to accept gay marriage….. Saying that you believe a man and man shouldn’t get married or raise a child , is the same as saying a man and a man shouldn’t be together in the first place….. and if you think that, then practice it!
Brian Collins
October 16, 20:07Lemme hear that i will not say that this was crap. No high road on this one, Owerri really has no bridges.
Sinnex
October 15, 12:27Guilty as charged…I have finally found a name for my sickness and was diagnosed by no other person than Max himself.
I have Internalized Homophobia.
I can’t hide it anymore.
It is a crime against myself and against Humanity.
I can’t see myself marrying a man, not in this life or in the life to come-Internalized Homophobia.
I long to have kids and can’t see a future without having them…with a woman- Internalized Homophobia.
I have nothing against those who decide to marry men.
The truth is that I don’t really care. I don’t care what you think of me. I don’t care how you live your life. I don’t just care about you. You have your life to live. If you think everything about you revolves around your sexuality, good and fine.
I just think this issue is overflooged. I don’t even see the basis for this post. Just another controversial article to garner numerous comments.
Pink Panther
October 15, 13:25You are missing the main thrust of this piece. Most of y’all are. You’re getting hung up on the details and missing the main appeal of the write-up. And that’s quite sad.
Tiercel de Claron
October 15, 17:22Have gone thru the article twice and all I see is fire and brimstone,calling out of people who don’t ascribe to a particular school of thought,a particular mindset.I’d thought the body of the article would examine the underlying reasons to said deviations,an understanding of them and perhaps,a profering of solutions,but I’m yet to see any.
Maybe you should point me in the right direction.
Max
October 15, 13:43Pity, thats all I have for you @Sinnex. Sadly, your head is too far up your ass for you to breathe well, see clearly or think logically.
Internalized self loathing is your safe haven, we get it, but don’t try to undermine the purpose of a piece just because you have a twisted view about it.
Rev; Hot
October 15, 14:06@Sinnex. one question
then why are you gay.?
Delle
October 15, 12:28Ok! Its official…I’m in ‘crush’!!!
Dimkpa
October 15, 14:16I really don’t know why this issue has been on my mind since morning. Some here say the article is unnecessary but by their submissions have shown exactly why it is necessary to raise this issue.
First the article is not about gay marriage. It was merely used as an example to illustrate the unfortunate attitude some of us display to issues that concern us as gay men. It draws attention to the baffling situation where a gay man would join homophobes in supporting a position that is detrimental to the lives of gay people. Why would any person, let alone a gay man, voice support for a law that would limit the right of an adult to do what he wants in the privacy of his own home. That is the issue. We still have ‘gay’ men who feel it is shameful to be so and therefore accept and propagate the warped and ignorant views that the society has about us.
To put it in perspective, how many straight people would come out to say ‘I don’t support straight marriage’ or ‘I am a straight man/woman but I can fall in love with and marry a man/woman’. Yet that is the position we choose to rationalise everyday. I believe the fact that it keeps coming up simply means that no matter how much we try to tell ourselves these lies that despite being gay, we can still fall in love with and marry a woman, deep down we recognise it as the falsehood it is.
Being gay or homosexual means that one is attracted to one of the same gender and no matter how much we try, love and sexual activity cannot be divorced from each other. Even marriages can be annulled (i.e. considered not to have happened at all) if the two parties don’t have sex in other words, if the marriage is not consummated. That is not the case if the parties don’t have kids meaning that sex is the main purpose. Therefore in my consideration, any gay man that marries a woman is either lying to himself about being gay or is doing so against his wishes.
This ongoing issue about, everyone having his own pace or ‘one size not fitting all’ is fine and good but I am beginning to wonder if any steps are being taken at all. If we are gay then we are gay. It is as simple as that and it shouldn’t take forever to realise that. Every child has his own pace of growth but at some point in society, whether they have fully realised it or matured or not, the society holds them accountable for their action. They are considered adults and if they fall foul of the law they are treated like adults. How long will a man well into adulthood refuse to think for himself and continue to abide by the laws of others? There is a wealth of information that has been shared on this blog and available online for anyone who wants to know the truth. Does it take years to come to the realisation of who one is. Even the bible that we love so much doesn’t leave much room for everyone’s pace. It would have us believe that if you die without accepting the saviour, then it is your fault, regardless of the pace at which you believe or the size that fits you. The injunction at one point was ‘Choose you this day whom you shall serve.’ I think this pace of things is merely a cop out, invoking the size that doesn’t fit so that complacency continues.
We are humans first before being gay. That may be true but it is undeniable that when one becomes an adult one of the needs we have is to love and be loved. It is so important to our being that some people say that without that special someone, life is futile. Even the bible says if you have everything but not love, you are nothing. Shakespeare said it is better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all. So it is not inconsequential when a gay man fights for his right to love just like anybody else. It is a central part aspect of the human experience. It is one of the thing that defines any human being. It was only when Mark Zuckerberg added this to the basic profile of individuals that he felt Facebook was ready to go live. For us being gay is tied into this whole human experience because it determines a lot for us and its importance cannot be over emphasized.
If we want attitudes to change, if we want to get to the point where being gay ceases to be an issue, then lessons have to be taught and learned. We can’t fold our hands and expect enlightenment to come. We have to be the teachers. We have to be visible to the point that people become desensitized to our presence. It is known that the younger generations in the west are more accepting because they have been exposed and understand that people are born gay. The problems now come more from the older ones who are set in their ways. Were we not all keeping quiet when the law was passed? Was anyone campaigning for gay marriage before the stupid law? If we continue to keep quiet would logic not dictate that more of the same would follow? Perhaps a death sentence this time around.
No one is saying all gay people should like Beyoncé or Justin Bieber or Korede Bello for that matter. However we should all be united in the consciousness that we all are attracted to persons of the same sex as us and we deserve to love, be loved, marry, raise kids and do whatever we want to do like anybody else. It should be evident to us that no one should be discriminated against, be in danger of his life, be incarcerated or have any form of punishment because he or she is homosexual. it is not about being ideally gay, it is simply about being human.
Max
October 15, 14:47The kind of joy I felt reading this..
The hope that this comment gave me is unimaginable.
*A thousand hugs for this*
You just made my day.
Mitch
October 15, 15:05I swearm the braingasms I had when reading this are unlike any I’ve ever experienced in my life. This is so greatly enunciated that only one who stubbornly chooses to remain foolish would see this and fight it.
Thank you Dimkpa. N’eziokwu, nwoke na-aka mma na dimkpa.
Teflondon
October 15, 16:41“but at some point in society, whether they have fully realised it or matured or not, the society holds them accountable for their action. They are considered adults and if they fall foul of the law they are treated like adult.”
this statement above only buttresses more the facts that we will forever be disposed to society demands and pressures. Even in our subconscious, our reasoning etc we will forever be enslaved to society set-standard. whether you accept it or not its a default setting you can’t really do anything about. you can try to fight it like y’all are preaching right now, but at the end things will always fall back in place and soon you will be lost in history like those before you. (I’m just trying to be realistic really) EXCEPT you are ready to go the extra-mile to etch your name in the sands of time as someone who battled set down societal standards. No ONE on this blog, at this moment is capable of such. Writing a few articles wont change that.
“Even the bible that we love so much doesn’t leave much room for everyone’s pace. It would have us believe that if you die without accepting the saviour, then it is your fault, regardless of the pace at which you believe or the size that fits you.”
Even though your statements are correct to some extent i disagree with totality of the meaning. the Bible (which is the word of God by the way) states that God is a merciful and gracious God. a day to him is like a thousand years to us (humans) so even though it is paramount to be saved before death he is willing and patient enough to wait for each person (key word at their OWN pace) to accept him as lord and Savior. so yes! God gives people to accept the truth in their own time, at their own pace.
“We are humans first before being gay. That may be true but it is undeniable that when one becomes an adult one of the needs we have is to love and be loved. It is so important to our being that some people say that without that special someone, life is futile. Even the bible says if you have everything but not love, you are nothing. Shakespeare said it is better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all. So it is not inconsequential when a gay man fights for his right to love just like anybody else. It is a central part aspect of the human experience. It is one of the thing that defines any human being. It was only when Mark Zuckerberg added this to the basic profile of individuals that he felt Facebook was ready to go live. For us being gay is tied into this whole human experience because it determines a lot for us and its importance cannot be over emphasized.”
Not everyone believes in Love, Not every human believes in the concepts of ‘Love’ (at-least i don’t). so making such ambiguous statement as above is unnecessary generalizing of the human race. No matter what you say, we are humans first which is the epitome of diversity then we can talk about other things like our sexuality.
“If we want attitudes to change, if we want to get to the point where being gay ceases to be an issue, then lessons have to be taught and learned. We can’t fold our hands and expect enlightenment to come. We have to be the teachers. We have to be visible to the point that people become desensitized to our presence. It is known that the younger generations in the west are more accepting because they have been exposed and understand that people are born gay. The problems now come more from the older ones who are set in their ways. Were we not all keeping quiet when the law was passed? Was anyone campaigning for gay marriage before the stupid law? If we continue to keep quiet would logic not dictate that more of the same would follow? Perhaps a death sentence this time around.”
However true this statements above are, it is also important to note from which source it coming. A situation were by those preaching for change are the same people hiding and are not even out to their family members or loved ones. what does this connotes. its important for us to take in cognizance the credibility of whoever is passing a message to us or wants to preach change. Do you practice what you preach? or you are just a ‘do as i say’ not ‘do as i do’ kinda activist.
“No one is saying all gay people should like Beyoncé or Justin Bieber or Korede Bello for that matter. However we should all be united in the consciousness that we all are attracted to persons of the same sex as us and we deserve to love, be loved, marry, raise kids and do whatever we want to do like anybody else. It should be evident to us that no one should be discriminated against, be in danger of his life, be incarcerated or have any form of punishment because he or she is homosexual. it is not about being ideally gay, it is simply about being human.”
I agree totally with this statement but may ask a question Mr Dimpka (trust me am not patronizing, i genuinely want to know) what are your contributions so far to help the LGBT community in the country seems you sound and as been talking like you are passionate. what is your little quota contributed thus far? i think the house would love to know. if you can avail us the privilege to delve a little into your life and works as a gay man in Nigeria.
Khaleesi
October 15, 14:32MAXINE!!!! Nne chop kisses!!! This article gave me so much life,Preach Nne m!! Preach!!! whether they will hear is an entirely different matter. I have all but given up hope on Nigerian gays, as has been said so many times, we are our own worst enemy!
Point of correction; “that book” is over 4000years old, probably closer to 5000years old actually #WhateverIDontGiveAShit . And what about those who truly and honestly believe that they WERE NOT born gay – eg TefLondon who touched briefly on the topic a while ago? What about those bisexuals who are actually more attracted to women than to men (Yuck) – they do exist, we all know that.
Ngwanu, if we should not only congregate on a not-so-anonymous blog, why dont u spearhead the opening of Nigeria’s first Gay or Gay – friendly bar in any of our major cities; i promise to be a heavy-spending and valuable patron **Evil Grin***
I totally agree with you, any marriage built on a bed of lies is a time bomb waiting to explode and when it does; the truth will fly out in all directions like lethal shrapnel; the hurt and destruction will be unpredictable and hard to contain – I’ve seen it a few times, it aint pretty!!
I still stand firm on my assertion that for now; you CANT be gay and hope to have a peaceful, fulfilled life in Nigeria, No SIr! Society is too full of homophobic hate and they will do all in their (great) power to ensure that you’re pumped full of misery and then ripped to pathetic shreds. If you want to live an openly gay life in peace and quiet, you MUST flee this land, for now there’s no negotiation over that. Its like attempting to move the Pope from his seat at the Vatican to a newly built Papal headquarters in Mecca or Medina, it cant and wont happen! not in 500years!!!
In addition to all you’ve said, i’ve noticed a disturbing trend among so many gays: a lack of focus of vision. We must know that part of emancipating ourselves lies in our ability to achieve economic independence, Get serious with something whether a career or a business, if you’re in school, work hard to excel and continue to excel even after you have graduated. Humans are conditioned to respect successful people, especially in a society like ours where poverty abounds; if you’re successful (especially in economic terms); they cant but respect and admire you regardless of your sexuality. We all need to collectively snap out of our shallow, self – absorbed phase and learn to put things in proper perspective. Its easier for them to dsparage and brutalise you when you’re “gay and yet poor”; if you’re “gay and successful”, they MUST (however grudgingly); admire and respect you and oh … while you’re at it, dont forget to stay fabulous and sexy, thats important too #VainMuch …
Teflondon
October 15, 16:59So Khaleesi,
you want other people to believe and accept that people ARE born gay but you don’t want to accept or believe that there are some people that truly weren’t born gay?
how ept; your reasoning.
Anyways let me leave you to stew in your continuous misery.
Max
October 15, 17:58@Tef, I’ve held back my distaste for your comments for the better Part of the day, but I think I just have to say this–
“Things” like you shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce.
@Tdc, that fleeting ego of yours which always need massaging has to be kept in check. You always have some book to quote or some book you’ve read which always have a contradictory view to particular comments. Now that’s quite unsettling, if I didn’t know better (if I was chizzie), I’d say you make up half the things you say just to feel cool around here, while in real life you’re just an average Joe.
Tiercel de Claron
October 15, 18:35Make up things just to feel cool?.
No,I don’t make up things.I deal with established facts.The Avignon Papacy is a fact.The Councils of Carthage/Hippo that compiled and approved of the Bible are historical facts.
No,I’m in no race to feel cool.Y’all can miss me with that.I call it as I see it.I’ve always made it known I’m just an average Joe on this forum,albeit one well informed,who can think,reason and come to conclusions all on his own.
And yes,I don’t believe in being railroaded into seeing things from only a particular point of view.Miss me with that herd mentality.
Pink Panther
October 15, 18:38TDC, on a totally unrelated note, could you either drop your email address here or buzz me via mail? I’d like to correspond with you on something.
Tiercel de Claron
October 15, 18:51ma.tov2007@gmail.com
Or you inbox me on facebook.
You know me.
Tiercel de Claron
October 15, 17:31The Avignon Papacy lasted more than six decades.
You should read up on things a bit before you think to disparage them.
Oh,the Bible is less than two thousand years old.It’s only some books contained therein that are older than that.
Tiercel de Claron
October 15, 16:38“In our culture,men are encouraged not to partake of what goes on in the kitchen simply because they’re men and it’s the job of the women to cook.”
Don’t know what culture you’re talking about,Max,seeing as you and I are from the same state,but in my culture,anybody can cook.Admittedly,the womenfolk do it more but no one look upon that as being cast in stone.Cooking is not a function of gender or sexuality where I come from.All the men in my family cook,that include my father,uncles siblings and cousins.
Just thought to clear that up.
I came late to this party,going back up to read the comments.I hope they’ll be entertaining.
Max
October 15, 17:49Seeing you’re a frequent cherry picker and an annoying grammar Nazi, I’ll pass on some of the things I had in mind to tell you.
You’re just like Chizzy, only he’s more outspoken and more vile, however you’re a low key bully.
You two are like Donald Trump and Ben Carson- One is an outspoken bigot and the other has a calm demeanor, but his words are just as deadly.
Tiercel de Claron
October 15, 18:48*sigh*
I cherry pick,especially that,cos some of your postulations have no basis in established fact.
It’s also annoying that you,sometimes,try to ram your views down people’s throat without even trying to understand where they’re coming from and what make them take such position that they do.
We all should be activists,in various ways,that I agree with you,but before raining fire down on those who quibble or hesitate,shouldn’t we first understand them and try to allay their fears?.
pete
October 15, 20:48TdC, hope you won’t mind if I send you an email. I’ve always loved your take on religious matters & won’t mind picking your brain from time to time.
Tiercel de Claron
October 16, 10:45No problem,Pete
Jeova Sanctus Unus
October 15, 17:18Did you scream “Bring Back Our Girls!”?
Did you demand for better governance?
Do you demand 24/7 electricity?
Do you demand better education?
Do you demand better services from providers of such?
You were an activist in all those situations. I don’t think anyone here wants to be at the receiving end of racial, tribal, religious or sexual discrimination.
The practice of unfairly treating a person or group of people differently from other people or groups of people – Discrimination.
Let’s replace “marriage” with “relationship”. The constitution isn’t in support of homosexual relationships either. So, none of us have the right to have boyfriends/girlfriends. TeflonDon, you don’t have the right to have sex with those lowlifes.
At a time, Africans in the US didn’t have the right to get married. I bet you support that. At a time, females couldn’t vote for nothing. At a time, we couldn’t choose our leaders.
I don’t have any regards for marriage.
I don’t have any regards for religion.
I don’t have any regards for okporoko.
I don’t have any regards for wigs.
I don’t have any regards for a lotta stuff.
That doesn’t give me the right to say others shouldn’t aspire for those.
Not surprising though, a lot of African-Americans were against MLK and the Civil Rights Movement. This fight isn’t about us, but about the generations yet to come. The internet is not being enjoyed by its inventors. Nikola Tesla isn’t enjoying electricity nor any of the other things he invented. We all know the difficulties we are facing. Would we like our children to face any of them? That’s why we fight.
What is good for the dick is good for the bumbum.
Max
October 15, 17:51Highly contradictory.
Jeova Sanctus Unus
October 15, 22:46If only you could tell your detractors apart.
Mwaniki
October 16, 08:29I feel you’ve spoken for me completely regarding African sexual minorities thinking of fleeing to more accepting (of their sexuality) societies. We have a duty to make this continent more freely habitable for future generations of our kind.
I also think that gay activism has got to be socially constructive at its core; rather than merely adversarial and abolitionist. Our heterosexual counterparts need to hear everyone benefits by them accepting us; not just how we suffer when they reject us.
Darlington
October 16, 11:13I don’t really think there are actually bisexuals. To me, bisexuality is a word for gay people practising straight. Most of the comments here have attributed effeminacy to homosexuality. There are many strictly gay men out there who are absolutely manly with no trace of femininity. More so, I have come to notice that most of us don’t believe in long term relationships. Some guys, especially the younger ones would like to explore. Until we start to believe that true love really exists in gay relationship first, marriage is a huge possibility.
Max
October 16, 19:10In the past, I didn’t believe in bisexuality until I sat down and listened to them(bisexuals). It exists
john
October 16, 21:10Bisexual exist. I am seeing a married man now (sorry). Taught he was trying to hide his sexuality but when he narrated his life history. I knew he likes Toto like boy Pussy.