One of the gifts I believe being gay has given me is the ability to be open-minded to things different from what I’m used to, to not see the world in black and white, to be able to empathize with other people’s struggles for freedom and fairness. It is one of the reasons I’m a card-carrying feminist, why I support abortion and divorce despite being Christian, and why I’m a strong proponent for the philosophy of “Live and Let Live” as long as another person isn’t getting hurt.

But I have come to realise that my open-mindedness isn’t a gay trait, because even us gay people are capable of scorn and hate for things we don’t understand, prone to making unfair generalizations about situations that do not apply to us.

Growing up as a teenager, before I discovered gay porn, whenever I wanted to pleasure myself, I would conjure up images of hot men I’d seen on TV or encountered in real life. I would fantasize about stroking them, blowing them, kissing them, grinding our bodies together while I lick and caress every part of them. And that was enough to get me off.

You can imagine my shock when, upon discovering gay porn, I saw that there are other things that two men can do together during sex besides what I’d so often fantasized about. Other things like anal sex. I was excited by the thought of trying it. And soon, I did.

I was the bottom.

And it was a disaster.

Not only was the other guy so self-centered on his pleasure and didn’t care about mine, the entire situation was painful and messy. In my inexperience, I didn’t know that you have to clean yourself out before bottoming. My take-away from that experience was that anal sex is a burden, and so I decided to stick with sex as it was in my fantasies.

But what I was met with from other guys was resistance and disdain. From those who said that I must not be really gay to those who said that what I’m interested in wasn’t real sex, that it was just foreplay. Then there were those who tried to patronize me by saying things like, “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it… I’ll be gentle…” – all this, even when it’s clearly on my dating profile or I’ve discussed it with them before the hookup. They still think that I’ll change my mind when I see them naked or when I see their dick. One guy tried to pull a stunt where we were already naked, kissing, stroking, grinding, sucking each other’s nipples and then he wanted to fuck me, and when I resisted, he said he wouldn’t do it any other way. I’m sure that in his mind, I’d be already too worked-up and horny, that I would have no other choice but to give in. But he was in for some rude awakening when I got up and started putting my clothes back on to leave. That was when he stopped me and acquiesced to the terms we had already set. And his was one of the mild situations. I’d been with other guys who beg and wheedle insistently in the face of my no, and those who try to pin me down in a struggle that bordered on rape.

These concurrent episodes made me realize more and more how resistant we are to things that don’t make sense to us, how much we are unwilling to accommodate situations that do not favour us – even when we are in a community that should not be unyielding to differences.

And it both saddens and disgusts me. Just like how I am absolutely disgusted by gay men who incessantly chase after heterosexual men, even after they have said no, because we believe we can “make” them like sex with a man. This determination to ignore other people’s narratives of themselves, believing you know what they want more than they do is insulting and degrading.

I know to some of us who absolutely love anal sex, what I enjoy as sex is just foreplay. And that would be your prerogative, seeing as society has structured sex – among other things – so much that boys who receive hand jobs and blow jobs as their sexual gratification and haven’t had penetrative sex think of themselves of virgins. I however consider sex to be anything two or more people do to engender sexual stimulation, with or without an orgasm.

I love, love, love everything about the male body – their chests, abs, butts (my favourite part), calves, shoulders, arms, thighs, backs, dicks, beards, hips, strength, muscles, hairiness. Everything! So, getting to worship all these up close and personal is enough to get me off. So please respect me (and by me, I mean, all the guys who want sex different from what you want) and try not to rape me when I tell you this is how I like sex. I may try anal sex again in the future, when I’m able to learn how to bottom properly or can see myself as a top to someone else.

Till then, I’m good.

PS: I just learned the word for what sexual role I am – a Side. And I hate it. It’s so damn bland.

Written by Flexsterous

Previous Grindr Is A Place Where People Come To Get Sex
Next May They Rest In Peace

About author

You might also like

Our Stories 23 Comments


Here’s something CeeCee wrote during the period that the Nigerian anti-gay bill was signed into law, and the furor this kicked up. Have a read, and let us know your

Our Stories 52 Comments


In my twenty-six years of life on earth, I have had my fair share of ups and downs. Part of the ups is that I am good looking and book

Our Stories 19 Comments


Dear LGBT Youth, We who are like you, who have come and gone before you, have so much to say to you. We wish that we had someone who could


  1. Mandy
    March 10, 08:19 Reply

    Sides must catch a lot of flak from the community, I can’t even imagine. Must be tough to have people mock and attempt to invalidate your sexual experiences. But I love how tough and resolute your mind is, so much so that you are even ready to dump a hookup just so it can be understood that the way you choose to have sex is valid. Kudos to you.

  2. Gif
    March 10, 08:43 Reply

    What is sex without penetration? Ewwwwww!
    Carry your shogbo and shift abeg

    • Flexsterous
      March 10, 21:53 Reply

      This is the kind of attitude I’m talking about, lesbians must not enjoy sex or are virgins since the almighty penis isn’t involved. SMH

    • Delle
      March 11, 20:58 Reply

      GIF, but you didn’t think to carry this tasteless remark to one of the slummy ‘TB’ groups that exist? You’re quite the clown.

  3. Ken
    March 10, 08:44 Reply

    U go gurrrl
    Yasss! Whip up that mofos libido with ur sexiness and smack his brain back to reality with your online profile!lol

    Whatever floats ur boat boo?

  4. Shadow
    March 10, 10:33 Reply

    I wonder how hard it is for some people to understand the fact that some gay people don’t like penetrative sex. They’ll try everything in their book to convince you saying things like
    “Please just try for me”
    “I’ll be gentle, you’ll enjoy it”
    “I promise stop if you don’t like it”
    We need to do better as a community and accept the fact that is some of us will never want penetrative sex.

  5. D
    March 10, 10:49 Reply

    Next time a guy tries to force or stealth anal sex on you, tell him “If you’re going to be an asshole, then you can go fuck yourself”.

  6. Higwe
    March 10, 13:09 Reply

    The pleasures of penetrative sex though ….welp ??

    Especially that moment when your brain is trying to prolong it as much as possible and your body is telling you …” Cum motherfucker!”

    The orgasm can make you cry ???

    Una side dey try sha .

    On a positive note though , you guys get to enjoy almost everything we do and still run a very low risk of contracting STD .

    Y’all won .??

    But no shit …nothing beats penetrative sex (IMO)

    The cacophony of dick slapping into the ass like an ogene .

    The tip of the okuko hitting different nerves you didn’t even know you possessed. ?

    Watching someone’s son trying to walk properly after you’ve dismantled every inch of his oghele .?

    ……and you guys meet days later and have just a perfunctory shake , mumble a load of gibberish and you watch him walk off , paying keen attention to that azz , knowing how you ” abused ” it just a few days ago. ???

    Men, that shit is priceless …??‍♂️

    • Rudy
      March 10, 13:57 Reply

      @ Higwe the cacophony of what??? ??
      You are messy as they come lol
      Next time try to translate into English the “oghele’s and the ogene’s” for those of us who are foreign on the platform.

  7. Rudy
    March 10, 13:52 Reply

    I loved everything with regards to what you said Flexsterous.
    I’m a proud side here too. And it’s gratifying to me.
    I don’t abhor penetrative sex(Anal sex is pleasurable, no two ways about that), however I’m just indifferent to it.
    Instead, foreplay is my go-to activity, no wonder “Sides” are known to be the Masters of Romance(Go Figure ??‍♂️). At the end of the day the mantra “live & let live” should be the bane of our beliefs.
    You do you Flexsterous ??

  8. JC
    March 10, 16:06 Reply

    Higwe… Hmmm ? ?


    Thanks for sharing this. My nineteen-year-old self would have found it relatable, though.
    Don’t feel your role is bland, dear (or is it the name, “side”?).
    It’s whole in its own way. ??

  9. Nobility
    March 10, 16:14 Reply

    I may have a lot in common with you than I can imagine. But we are in two different countries. I’m in Rwanda and you’re in Nigeria (not so far). Well Flexsterous call me.

    • Pink Panther
      March 10, 16:23 Reply

      LMAO @ not so far.

      Hookup from Nigeria to Rwanda. Yup. Not far at all. ???

  10. Omiete
    March 10, 19:06 Reply

    I’m sure that in his mind, I’d be already too worked-up and horny, that I would have no other choice but to give in. But he was in for some rude awakening when I got up and started putting my clothes back on to leave.
    That line!!! ?? it’s funny how guys think that this tantrum they make will work. Flex I can relate with your struggle. I have said this before and I will say it again let all sides come together and pleasure each other. Should we form Whatsapp group?

    • Flexsterous
      March 10, 22:06 Reply

      From your name it seems you’re from rivers state. I live in rivers, so maybe we can make the magic happen, wink wink??

      • Omiete
        March 11, 00:37 Reply

        Yes I am from Rivers state but I live in Lagos currently.

    • Nathan Bloom
      March 16, 14:32 Reply

      Yes please I am down for forming the WhatsApp/Telegram group

Leave a Reply