WELCOME TO THE WORLD

Honestly, adulthood is overrated. Ever since I started work, I haven’t had a life outside of it. It’s been work, work and some more work.

But this isn’t a story about that.

A few weeks to my graduation, I saw a picture of an upcoming program that would be happening in America; it would also be streamed live here in Nigeria. I wasn’t particularly interested in the program, but I was interested in a man’s picture on that flier. This guy was good looking, cocoa-skinned and from the name on the flier, definitely American. I was smitten by him (Leo, I’ll call him), so I did what every smitten homosexual does; I went and opened a new Facebook account just for reaching out to him.

And it worked. I sent Leo a request which he accepted in less than an hour, and shortly after, he commented on the sole picture I posted in the new account. I seized that opportunity to slide into his DM. And we started chatting from there. It was a very long, engaging chat, and it went on till about 4AM (my time, of course).

I woke up in the proper morning to his good morning message, and later in the day, we exchanged numbers. He called, and the chemistry from our chat spilled over into the phone conversation. We talked about different topics, from past relationships to other personal stuffs. After the call ended, we went on to chat some more and exchanged pictures. Just like his picture on the flier, he looked as good as ever.

He told me outrightly that he knows I am gay, and that he was also without any reservations. I liked him very much and we flowed. After three weeks of constant chatting, sexting and phone calls, he asked me out. I accepted because I had butterflies in my stomach. I loved him enough to want to date him – or so I thought. He told me his age and I realized that he was twenty-one years older than me. I didn’t mind.

Now that we were officially an item, he started sending things to me; money and gifts which he insisted I have, because, according to him, he was “working hard for both of us” and I shouldn’t reject his gifts. If I had a function to attend and I told him about it, he would send money to me to purchase a complete outfit for the affair, with extra thousands of naira as balance.

This continued until I got a job. The job was in a very big beverage industry here in Lagos. And I’ve been working my ass off just to get the recommendation that I need to get to the next level. It has been taking all of my time. I’d leave the house at five and get back by ten or eleven. This limited my interactions with Leo. We’d chat whenever I had the time to spare. There were no calls, video chats or sexts. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I started forgetting sometimes to text him.

It wasn’t very long before I realized that I couldn’t entirely blame my job for the reason Leo and I were going through a slump. If I was being honest to myself, I think I was starting to no longer be in love with him. Something about the distance and the fact that he wouldn’t be swooping in anytime soon to rescue me from this god-awful place called Nigeria stretched thin my feelings for him.

Then, one morning, as I contemplated if I could continue with the charade of loving Leo or find a way to gently break things off with him, Kelly reached out to me.

Remember Kelly from my story, A Journey To Remember?

He was the friend I had in school, who became the homophobe that outed me to a mutual friend of ours, who became the person I shared my bed with and whose erect dick woke me up in the middle of the night and led us to having a few sexual trysts, making him the first guy to ever penetrate me – that Kelly.

Well, the last time we saw was when we left school for the first semester holiday, only to get caught up with the COVID-19 pandemic.

Then he texted me out of the blue four months ago, and as we chatted, he acted like he didn’t understand the things we did those nights in my bed, and asked how “this whole being gay thing works”. It seemed like he was on a journey to find himself, so I gave him some education. Then he started asking me about my past sexcapades, which I responded with unrestrained honesty. I didn’t tell him the identities of who and who I fucked with, but I told him all about the sex I’d had.

He seemed surprised by my openness and asked why I was so free with telling him these things.

‘Aren’t you afraid I will set you up?’ he said.

I didn’t know if he was being serious or not, so I asked him, ‘Should I be worried then?’

He aired the message, switching to something else. I asked him about his own sexcapades and he answered that I was the first gay hookup he had.

“I only made a move on you so you’d be comfortable around me,” he said.

It was all I could do not to burst out into laughter. What am I, five? Who did this nigger think he was deceiving?

The chat eventually ended with him sending me a dick pic and the question: ‘Do you want some?’

So much for him only fucking me to make me feel comfortable around him.

So, back to the present; he called and asked for us to see. I told him I could spare an hour, because I had to get back to work on some documents for my boss. It was the weekend and I was still slugging away at work.

He said that was fine. That he came home to see his mother and he was home alone. It was very apparent that he wanted us to fuck, and I was SO ready to remove the cobwebs from my man pussy because I’d been celibate since I started dating my overseas boyfriend.

I decided on a plan to have sex with Kelly and then with the guilt I was sure would come from that, I’d break up with Leo. I’d tell him that I couldn’t help myself when I had sex with another guy, especially because he wasn’t here to give me the sexual satisfaction I needed,

So, I went through my cleaning rituals, got dressed, sprayed some of the expensive perfume I only wore for special occasions, and then I stepped out.

But I couldn’t be calm. As a kito victim, I could feel that familiar anxiety work its way up my spine. I was panicking as though I suspected that I wouldn’t return if I go see Kelly. So then, I walked back into the house and dropped my smartphone and ATM cards. I was so anxious that even my mother noticed my unease. She asked what was wrong and I told her it was nothing.

I stepped out again and forced my legs to move. When I got to the gate of my estate where I would get on a bike, I called Kelly. I didn’t text him. I called, just to confirm from his voice that it was him I’d actually been chatting with all this time.

He answered. It was him.

I could hear the chatter of a lot of people in the background, as though they were guys having a party. I asked him why his place was so noisy and he hung up. For some reason, that didn’t dissuade me from going. I got on a bike to the place I’d take a bus. While I waited for the bus, that was when my paranoia finally bit down with a pressure I couldn’t ignore.

And just like that, I turned around and started heading back home as if I was hypnotized. My anxiety wasn’t having it. I got home and texted Kelly, telling him that I wouldn’t be able to make it. He started pleading and cajoling me with reasons why I should come. But my mind was already made up.

Shortly after the call ended, he posted on his WhatsApp status some pictures of him and what appeared to be his guys having fun; they were drinking, smoking and gaming. I stared at the photo updates and shook my head, not sure whether I saved myself from a potential kito in the hands of someone who had once outed me or denied myself some fun with Kelly and his friends. I didn’t care to ruminate on which option it was.

I simply laid on my bed and texted Leo.

Something about this brief happenstance with Kelly helped me make up my mind about Leo. I decided to take this relationship more seriously. Leo texted back and soon, we were chatting. He made some promises about coming to visit me, but I was more keen on traveling to see him instead, an idea which he seemed open to.

Whatever the case may be, I want to see how this works. Maybe I’ll grow to love him more. Maybe this needs some work for us to work out and I simply need to forget this romanticised idea I have of what a relationship should be. Or maybe, we won’t even work out.

Whatever is the case, I’m adulting and sticking with Leo.

Written by Mannie