What Do You Do When Your Boyfriend Won’t Stop Hanging Out With His Ex?
How many times have you been irked by your boyfriend texting, calling or hanging out his ex when you’re not around?
Well, one man has had enough. So he’s seeking help from his local advice columnist, Amy.
“Dear Amy,” his letter begins. “I am gay and have been dating a great guy for a year and a half. We have a hefty age difference–he is 45; I am 33. It is an amazing relationship, except for one thing. He was in a 24-year relationship that was ending when we met. His ex is 60 years old.”
So what’s the problem?
Well, the man explains, “They stay in touch and reside in the same city.”
The man goes on to say that he and his boyfriend recently took their relationship to the next level by moving in together. But this pesky ex-boyfriend is becoming a real issue.
“The problem is that he consistently tells me of events he wants to attend out of state, which this ex will also be attending,” he says. “Recently, he mentioned he would be traveling to attend a gay pride event, and would be staying with a mutual friend. His ex would also be there.”
He continues, “I am always uncomfortable with this, and instantly go on the defensive. It ends up pushing me far away because I speculate about them. It affects our trust.”
He explains that they rarely ever get into arguments, “except when this recurring theme emerges every few months.”
“I can’t control how I feel, and he seems reluctant to stay away from these events, even though he knows how much it bothers me,” he says. “Is it wrong for me to ask him to not do these things, or to at least include me in the events, rather than feel as if I have been shoved into the back closet, while his ex still lingers around in his life?”
The letter is signed, simply, “Wondering.”
Thankfully, Amy has just the answer.
“Dear Wondering,” she responds. “When it comes to the relationship with exes, the burden is on the common partner (your guy) to create healthy boundaries and reassure the newer partner (you) that all is well.”
Word.
“One way to do this would be to include you in events where the ex will be present,” she says. “If you two are partners, you should include each other openly in social events, and introduce each other to your friends and family members.”
Amy explains that getting to know his boyfriend’s ex better will help him to accept their close friendship, which is very likely just that: a friendship.
“It’s a delicate balance,” she concludes. “You should not use your feelings to hurt or manipulate your partner, but he should be respectful of a very natural sensitivity on your part.”
What do you think? Does this guy’s boyfriend need to make a better effort at building a relationship between the two men in his life? What advice would you give? Sound off in the comments section below.
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15 Comments
KingBey
July 03, 05:11If you want your relationship to last, keep your Ex out of it. Don’t talk about them or contact them or have anything to do with them. They are past so they should remain there.
Queen Blue Fox
July 03, 06:32First who saw the 24years of relationship?
I for one don’t think something like that fades easily and the guy is right to be worried, his bf should either cut those old ties or include him in ALL of them.
wytem
July 03, 06:43The ex was in his life for 24 years! He can’t just vanish in a day or whatever short period. I don’t think they parted badly…
Try and find yourself in those things they do together…do that with grace so it doesnt taste horrible!
…. #Justforyourpeaceofminnd
Brian Collins
July 03, 07:29Woah, I would be worried too. 20+ years as against 1year. The boyfriend has some serious work to do in alleviating his fears.
Kenny
July 03, 08:07They were together for 24years,if the break up was amicable there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be friends. Like Amy said ‘wondering’ should get to know this ex better and he should trust his boyfriend after all the relationship is great.
ambivalentone
July 03, 09:0324 years no be moimoi na. It is enough to be threatening and if u think it, there is no excuse as to why they’d av broken up amicably. I quite disagree with Amy. He shud manipulate the partner well well else he will always be the rebound guy. He and beau shud develop new habits and visit new places. Shey na only that place dem dey organize gay pride events ni?
Oh, and the dude shud even check out himself. If he starts hearing “you look like my ex” or “my ex used to fart just like that”, e beta make e just comot. He never see bf o
BeeJay
July 03, 09:41If I had 2 reply, I’d say. “dear Mr insecure, you’ve got 2 work on your issues, a relationship of 24 years isn’t one that can just be cast aside like used tampons n forgotten, odds are that they’ve built a rhythm, a comfortable routine, which in fairness you’ll have to respect. Your man obviously respects you hence he tells you about all they’re up to, if he was going to cheat on you, he’d be a hell of a lot more secretive. I don’t see the problem here, if you’re so disturbed by it, get involved, tag along..unfortunately I have a feeling that you wouldn’t be so comfortable at these events, there is a difference between a buddy n a boyfriend….remember your place in his life n own it.”
Kenny
July 03, 10:37This!!! ? ?
Façade
July 03, 10:38If u value that old routine so much, why break up in the first place? His priority is to make his boyfriend feel secure not go on events with ur ex, I mean shouldn’t ur +1 be your boo?
Delle
July 03, 10:43It all lies with the middle man. The one with the ex and a new partner. He should know how to balance the whole thing up; one is a relationship and the other may as well be just ‘friendship’ (at least, that’s what it seems to be). Then again, it’s not out of line for the other one to feel troubled after all, 24 years of a relationship isn’t flimsy (now that alone scares one to the bones). Do u think the feelings died totally, just like that? Do you think there’s not that one glint of fire that could be rekindled at the slightest opportunity? For goodness’ sakes, 24 years is almost a silver jubilee!
The 45 year old guy has to straighten his priorities and put his new partner in the know. You can’t just be hanging around a former boyfriend u shared 24 years of ur life with and expect I’d be calm and quiet about it. No.
Personally, I don’t encourage such friendships especially when one party has moved on and has someone in his life. There could be unwanted sparks, we can’t have that now, can we?
Sasha
July 03, 11:28Your bf can tell you who he’s hanging out with and still cheat on you with the person. In most marriages (hetero), the person the man cheats with is usually a family friend who usually visits the house and in some cases, friends with the wife.
Amy is wrong, your boyfriend should care more about your feelings and minimize contact with this so called ex to the barest minimum even if they were hatched from the same womb 2000 years ago.. Ex’s and new relationships never mix well.
Kainene
July 03, 11:42Chisos 24 years! And a peaceful seperation to top it all, hmm Sweetie drop otapiapia in his ex’s tea, problem solved *goes back to filing nails*
Osas
July 03, 11:47I had the same experience and really at this point you can’t shy way from the realities of insecurities. 24 years is a long time and if 24yrs was soo important and savvy, then why let the relationship go in the first place, the dude has all the right to be insecured and if I were the one, I would have tried fiddling myself into my man where I belong, but on the other hand we are in a relationship and for all intent and purposes going on a gay pride to another city with your ex is not one nice thing to hear, what then happened to me abi I no sabi how to wey rainbow clothes for pride ni? Dat one no just enter, is either me or him at this point its 18 months into our relationship, let it count!
Tiercel de Claron
July 03, 13:05I’m still friends with some of my exes,nothing shady to it really.
I would advise the new guy to have a heart-to-heart talk with his man,make known his feelings and insecurities and have the two of them work out what’ll be best for them without having to sideline the ex.
24yrs of relationship cum friendship cannot and would not be cast aside as if some dirty rag.
bruno
July 03, 17:26it’s hard to determine what’s actually happening without seeing the relationship and hearing from both parties.
you should generally apply some restraint in your relationship with others while seeing someone but then again, an unreasonably insecure lover can suffocate you and suck the joy out of your relationship.