That Piece About Why The Gay Man Unfriended His Mother
Written by Jase Peeples, originally published on advocate.com with the title ‘Op-ed: Why I Unfriended My Mother’.
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We may have won the battle for same-sex marriage in the United States, but we are far from realizing full equality. And sometimes, it’s our family members who are our worst enemies.
If I ever needed a reminder of that fact, it arrived with guns blazing — almost literally — in my Facebook feed early last week. Jutting out between the photos two friends shared of their 9-month-old son, and a silly cat meme in which my partner tagged me, was a fear-mongering video rant by former pastor Joshua Feuerstein. In the clip, he brandished a semiautomatic assault rifle while he encouraged Christians to “take a stand” for their “First Amendment” right to discriminate against LGBT people. And it was shared by my own mother.
My mother wasn’t forwarding the post to highlight the violent intolerance that is still so prevalent in our world. She was supporting Feuerstein’s message, and this wasn’t the first time I’d come across an antigay message my mother felt compelled to share with her Facebook followers — a group of people that includes family members like cousins, aunts, uncles, my step-grandmother, and my lesbian sister, among others. It was only the latest in a string of homophobic posts she had fired off in the days following the Supreme Court’s historic ruling in favor of federal marriage equality. Those posts ranged from completely false reports about ministers being arrested for refusing to marry gay couples, to videos of right-wing extremists claiming LGBT civil rights signaled the beginning of a Christian holocaust.
I had mostly ignored these ravings, not wanting to set off another round of fighting. We had just recently buried the hatchet — after a year of not speaking to one another after she’d posted a different homophobic message on social media. However, when a wave of goosebumps tingled across my arms as I watched this fire-and-brimstone-filled preacher pull a gun into the frame of his 2-minute, 36-second rant and boast, “It’s time that we finally take a stand and say, ‘No more!’” I knew I wouldn’t be able to let it go. I also realized I’d been making a colossal mistake in how I interacted with my mother and other homophobic family members.
You see, I’ve been out to my family since I was 18 years old, and because I so desperately wanted their approval after I initially came out, I excused what I had come to label “mild homophobia” in favor of maintaining a relationship with them. After all, what real harm came from occasional comments like, “I don’t approve of your lifestyle,” or that same-sex attraction is sinful, disgusting, immoral, and my personal favorite, “a stench in the nostrils of God”? They were devout Pentecostal Christians, and I excused this language because it was their opinion and their religious belief. I downplayed their abuse, because it wasn’t physical. Hell, they even greeted my partner of nearly 12 years back in 2011 with a smile and a hug, after I insisted we both visit them at their home in Oklahoma for the first time.
However, when my younger sister told me about the horrible reaction she’d gotten from my mother and stepfather after she came out to them a few years ago, I began to realize that my family’s level of homophobia was far from “mild.” She told me about how they literally fell to their knees and screamed, and then forced her to undergo days of emotional turmoil.
Our mother attempted to frighten her into heterosexuality with ignorant tales of how she would contract HIV, that our middle brother would never let her see our niece again because he’d think she was a pedophile, and how all gay people were terrible — even me, her big brother. My sister also revealed how, numerous times over the years, our mother would make disparaging comments about me, because I had “chosen to live like that,” and how she’d witnessed our mother’s behavior encouraged by preachers.
Ridiculous and infuriating.
Even more upsetting was the fact that my mother, aside from the rare occasional comment, hid the full extent of her antigay attitude from me. She even went so far as to tell me a story about how she had “stood up” for me and yelled at one of her co-workers when she overheard him making homophobic comments — as if that somehow made up for all the antigay tirades she was making behind my back, and the emotional stress she was routinely causing my sister by insisting hardships in her life were a result of her lesbian “lifestyle.”
That’s the heart of the problem with people like my mother. These are people who believe, because they maintain some type of a relationship with us and aren’t out beating up queers, they couldn’t possibly be homophobic. Furthermore, they feel selective bigotry can be excused when it’s wrapped in religion and served as “my opinion.” They can’t see how hollow they appear when they conveniently overlook the sexism, slavery, and polygamy that’s outlined in the Bible.
Meanwhile, these same people hurl misquoted verses about “man shall not lie with man” and ignore the following verse, “Ye shall not… print any marks upon you,” when they proudly show off tattoos emblazoned across their skin. They can’t wrap their head around why others would label them hypocritical when they, as divorced and remarried people, claim same-sex marriage destroys the foundation of a sacred institution, and they actually believe they’re furthering God’s will when they spread fear-mongering messages that make the world a more dangerous place for LGBT people.
These people are the worst and most dangerous kinds of homophobes, because they believe their opinion is righteous, which allows them to demean our lives, demonize our community, and devalue our relationships.
These are the people who will tell us to our face that they love us, while behind our backs they eagerly spread lies and misinformation about the LGBT community to our extended family and friends.
These are the people who will claim they wish us no harm, while they take their bigotry to the ballot box and vote to pass laws that keep us from life-saving legislation.
These are the people who perpetuate attitudes that are the root of why we can still be kicked out of our homes in many states, why people like Matthew Shepard, Brandon Teena, and Lawrence King were brutally murdered, and why LGBT teens like Leelah Alcorn, Carlos Vigil, Jamey Rodemeyer, Josh Pacheco, and Tyler Clementi felt that the only way to escape the hateful environment in which they lived was to commit suicide.
These people may be our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, or friends, but we cannot allow even their “mild homophobia” to go unchallenged or unchecked – regardless of whether it comes in the form of snide comments, religious bigotry, or degrading social media status updates. To borrow Feuerstein’s words, “It’s time that we finally take a stand and say, ‘No more.’”
This type of poison has no place in our lives – or our Facebook feeds. That’s why I unfriended my homophobic mother, and why I’m thankful I have a platform as an editor at The Advocate, where I’m able to shine a bright light on hateful, fear-mongering messages like the one she shared to expose this kind of bigotry that masquerades as opinion.
I encourage others to likewise use our influence and platforms whenever we can in order to combat this hatred.
Because we aren’t fighting over a difference of opinion. We are fighting for our very lives.
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18 Comments
Oluwadamilare Okoro
August 07, 07:22Even in obodo oyibo? Hmmmmm
Max
August 07, 08:20Applause ..
I keep telling people to throw their family under the bus once in a while, but no, they’re always too attached. They always say I’m heartless and that its hard to do. The same family that is killing you, the same one that’ll force you to marry a woman without giving a second thought about your feelings or true happiness just to save face with society. Damn their fucking opinion!!!. Personally I think any family that doesn’t accept their child within a year of them coming out, isn’t worthy of being called a family.
They gave birth to you, yes
They fed you, yes
They gave you shelter, yes
But that doesn’t give them right over your life, they were merely doing their job at the time.. Now their job is over and its time to live your life.
Say No to family bullying/Pressure
Pink Panther
August 07, 08:32Oh how Gad would’ve been the perfect candidate for a rebuttal. Lol
Max
August 07, 08:49Lol. The new site brought a lot of positive change which includes – not seeing his old ass around here anymore.
Khaleesi
August 07, 11:06Be kind darling, be kind … 10,15,20 years from now you will be wearing the “old man” shoes, be kind so that the future generation of hot young men will treat you with some compassion …
Max
August 07, 11:59@Khalee, 10,20,30 years from now, I won’t be a condescending, silly and hypocritical old man. No I won’t. Thats the difference.
Tiercel de Claron
August 07, 10:19**sigh**
He only unfriended his mother on facebook,not take her to court or march her to jail.
Ever thrown any member of your family under that bus,Maxie?.On what occasion?.Let’s see if you walk the talk.
And no,not adding them on social media platforms doesn’t count.
I await your reply
Max
August 07, 10:39I challenge my family all the time, I ignored my mum’s add/friend requests on social media platforms… Ignored her request permanently on bbm.
Yes I do all those.
I’ve told them I don’t wanna get married.
I don’t let them dictate how I live my life
Heck, I even ignore their calls sometimes
I’ve set that boundary with them & they know ..so they never try to cross it.
I’m slowly gearing up for my #ComingOut Day.
Tiercel de Claron
August 07, 10:57That is called being human,Max.Anybody,straight,bent,crooked,can choose not to pick a call,from whatever party,that’s not throwing anybody under the bus.
As for not marrying and asking family to butt out one’s affairs,been there,done that.Again,that’s not throwing anyone under the bus.
Cut your mom,your bro/sis or any other close family,out from your life for say,a year.No call,no text,no asking after them from a third party or so.No travelling down to the village for any occasion or going near the vicinity of their residence.
Do that and come out unscarred from it,then we can say you’ve thrown family under the bus.
Some of us tried that and it left a permanent mark.He that’s putting on his armour should not boast as he putting his off.
Max
August 07, 12:03@TDC, the amount of cruelty you display towards your family depends on how far they push you. The farther they push, the more severe..
Thats all I’m saying.
Tiercel de Claron
August 07, 17:55Unless one epitomizes evil,no matter how far one’s family push,you can’t be cruel to them.They push because they care,even if they don’t understand and/or are truly confused lot.There are some invisible ties that bind stronger than anything and family epitomizes that,except for rare cases of course.
Oh,that your quip about them having done their job……their job is not done as concern you until they breathe their last.Part of the job is to push you.I pray you be a parent someday,you’ll then experience what I talk about.
Tobby
August 07, 08:57*Sighs*. *Nods Head*
JustJames
August 07, 09:53There’s a time for everything.. When it’s time to ask your family to choose to accept you or they should walk away you’d know.
I don’t think I’d ever walk away from my family or throw them under the bus.. Love doesn’t work like that in my opinion. I’d let them know I still want to be a part of their lives but preferably by being myself. If they agree then THEY can stay.. If they disagree then they can leave. I don’t think I’d ever actively distance myself from my family. It’d be up to them entirely whether or not they choose to stay.
Max
August 07, 10:45Contradictory..
JustJames
August 07, 14:10Not sure how/why you see it as contradictory. It’s me giving them a choice. I’d rather they did the unfriending, not returning calls, not being there for village whatevs themselves than me actively avoiding them.
Khaleesi
August 07, 11:25Great piece!! homophobia comes in several different forms, it can be violent and overt or it can be subtle and slick. however, if you pay attention, if its there no matter how much its concealed, it’ll pop out somehow. But in a society like ours, you must learn to endure lots and lots of homophobia, seeing as its deeply engraved in the DNA and bone marrow of our fellow countrymen.
I love how the author of this piece illustrates the gross hypocrisy of religion!! As long as religion OKs it, then its ok to hate and discriminate and generally be a fucking hypocrite!
james bruno
August 07, 11:38if you love your family enough to give them all these excuses for their homophobia. they should also love you enough to accept you no matter what you are.
in fairness though, this story is a little different from what we experience here. when most of our family members are expressing their homophobia, they do so without knowing they are kin to one of these “deviants” themselves. the ignorance is a little more forgivable then.
if(when?) i find the courage to come out to my family and after several years they still spew this kind of nonsense, i would probably distance myself from them too. i think it’s some kind of betrayal when you can’t show me the unconditional and acceptance i should get as family.
Pink Panther
August 07, 12:57I totally love this comment.