THE CONFLICT

THE CONFLICT

I woke up around 5 AM and felt horny like I’d never felt before – no thanks to my celibacy for months and counting. My hard-on was raging and it felt like my groin was on fire.

I stirred and rolled to the other side of the bed, only to meet Max intent gaze on me. He was looking at me with a leer. I hadn’t thought he’d be awake, so I did nothing to hide my tumescent member. And now that I was facing him, I was flushed with mortification.

Max was a very good friend. We had gotten acquainted through a mutual friend, Sam. Max had come to the Island to seek employment and was staying with Sam. I was a regular visitor at Sam’s and of course got to meet Max, who I quickly started admiring – secretly of course.

Max was a total Adonis: tall, dark with this ravishing manly beauty. He also possessed this luscious pink lower lip that made me want to commit. I was really enchanted by this masterpiece of a man.

After several visits, I became very close to Max. Sometimes when I came over, I’d meet Sam’s absence. At such times, I was always thrilled because I was guaranteed Max’s undivided attention. He was a very good host.

So, on that day, Sam had gone to the Mainland the previous day, leaving the house occupied by Max and me. I decided to sleep over, seeing as it was a weekend. And then, early in the morning, I was awake with this very turgid erection that was threatening fire and brimstone.

“Abdul, why are you hard like this?” Max queried, glancing at my crotch.

I looked down myself and it appeared as though I was hiding a small goat in my boxers.

“I don’t know o,” I replied with a grin.

He leaned forward on the bed, raising his body to have a proper scrutiny of the ferocious penis.

“This one is strong o,” he commented, as he kept his gaze at my crotch.

I simply smiled.

“May I touch it?”

I was astonished but pleased. Finally, I was going to get down with my crush!

“Of course,” I said with mounting excitement.

He reached for my cock and brought it out of the boxers to savour the full glory. Upon sighting it unwrapped, he let out a small gasp.

“It’s so big!” he exclaimed.

And after that, there were no more words. He had started blowing me with gusto. The nibbling, sucking, gagging and slurping filled me with a rush of intense pleasure. He kept alternating between my dick and other erogenous zones like my nipple, ear, ass, etc. I was swept away.

Unwilling to let him have all the fun, I maneuvered him into the 69 position. We ravaged each other’s cocks like sluts. We moaned, gaggled and slobbered as we devoured penises.

Minutes later, I felt his dick throbbing in my mouth, warning me of an impending cum outburst. I quickened my pace too, in anticipation of a mutual ejaculation. And within moments, we exploded wads of cum into each other’s mouths.

Phew!

The morning had turned out to be an intense and sexually fulfilling one.

After we were done, I left the bed and walked to the bathroom. There, I washed myself and performed Jana bah (an Islamic ritual bath after orgasm). Then I came out and got dressed, in readiness for Subh prayers (early morning prayers for Muslims).

By this time, Max had also freshened up and gotten prepared for his morning devotion. He was Christian, and devoted too.

I left the apartment and walked down to the closest mosque, had my prayers and then returned.

When I got back into the house, I met Max sitting on the edge of the bed, looking forlorn. Apparently, he’d just concluded his prayers.

He gestured for me to sit beside him, and I obliged.

“Abdul, how do you feel going to the mosque to pray after having sex with a guy?” he said.

I was startled, jolted and triggered – all at once. I never expected such question, so I had no answer. I sat there, speechless.

He looked at me briefly and then continued speaking. “I mean, we both know that we just sinned… And then, going to pray to God right after…isn’t that hypocritical of us?”

I was still dumbfounded. My mind was enmeshed in a whirlwind of thoughts.

I kept listening as he spoke.

“I’m a staunch Catholic. I’ve held several top positions in my church, back in the Mainland. I’ve spoken to, counseled and advised young people against gay practices. Now, look at me. I’ve always been gay since childhood and had to live a life of lies, deceit and subterfuge. I condemn gay people to hell during sermon, only to go home and practise the same homosexual acts – albeit secretly. Tell me, who am I deceiving?”

I looked at him and shook my head in pity for both of us. Such double lives!

I had gone to an Islamic school and knew what punishment is prescribed for homosexuals: death!

“No mercy for sodomites!” the prophet had said.

Now, look at me, praying to Allah just moments after a sexual encounter with a man!

How do you reconcile this? How do you resolve this conflict?

I bowed my head in despondency. More thoughts that were both accusing and melancholic swirled inside me.

Then Max, obviously not done unburdening himself, said, “Abdul, I get so guilt-stricken sometimes, that I just want to end it all. It’s all too much on me: the pretense, lies and potential dangers lurking everywhere for people like us always. We are not guaranteed we will live to see another day, seeing as we could get outed and beaten to death in a blink of an eye.

“I ask myself sometimes: Will we ever be free, true to ourselves and happy?”

I sat, motionless and still not knowing what to say.

Then, as if on cue, Max and I looked up and at each other. We could see the guilt, the trepidation and the sadness in each other’s faces, mine a reflection of his.

“When will this conflict be resolved?” I asked myself inwardly, for the umpteenth time.

Written by Abdul

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  1. Ken
    February 04, 08:28 Reply

    This is a timeless battle: the battle between sexuality and faith. It’s one that most of us will have to deal with and most times some of us end at the opposite extremes i.e either hating and despising all things religion in favour of ones true nature or completely denying your sexuality in hopes of some miracle cure by faith. Unfortunately neither of these extremes is guaranteed to give one the peace we so desire.

    In my opinion, for one to appreciate and truly love themselves u must reflect personally on what your beliefs are and know God for yourself (not what they preach in church or mosque or any holy book). While at the same time understanding that you are a perfect creature of God and absolutely nothing is wrong with being gay or bi or straight. Remember that all holy books acknowledge that God created the world long before humans began to write those books and those books were written based on the beliefs and realities of the time. So faith is something you live by not really something u read in books. The holy books are only a guide to writing your own story.

    May we all find our own peace one way or the other.

    • Ken
      February 04, 08:35 Reply

      So based on this premise, I believe that it’s not being gay that’s the sin here. It’s fornication i.e having sex outside wedlock. So even if u are a gay christian, it’s ok so long as u aren’t fornicating. I know that this is practically impossible in the community where there’s morbid obsession with sex and sexual appeal. But to be a christian is to deny oneself the pleasures of the world except between married couples. And tbh there is some wisdom behinde this.

      Well that is for the religious. And since we obviously won’t be getting married in naija anytime soon, perhaps we practically doomed to an eternal konji. Lol

  2. King
    February 04, 08:30 Reply

    100% relatable. I’m a Muslim, a very religious one. Most times, I’ll wake up around 5am, go to the mosque, then come back home and wank watching porn. I’ll then bath and go to always thinking something bad may happen on the way because of the sin I’ve committed

  3. Mitch
    February 04, 09:16 Reply

    Unshackle yourselves.
    You already know what you need to unshackle yourselves from. All that’s left is for you to make a decision to do it and follow it through with action.

    Otan!

  4. Ijele
    February 04, 09:52 Reply

    I don’t know about other religions, but I find it stupid when a christian condemns himself or others on moral basis. Morality doesn’t make a christian, faith in the FINISHED WORK of Christ does.
    Even those pastors that preach rubbish knows this truth, that’s why they do all manner of nasty things in secret while the congregation keeps confessing sins on a daily.

  5. Tony
    February 04, 11:20 Reply

    I am really marveled at how people get gut to make a move at random people.

    • Manny
      February 05, 09:41 Reply

      Biko, say again o. 🤦🏽‍♂️😂

  6. Pezaro
    February 04, 11:52 Reply

    Let’s even assume that they didn’t get intimate that morning, what’s the assurance that you both won’t commit any other form of sin throughout the day anyway? It’s okay to lie, gossip, slander, cheat, covet, envy… But when it involves having s*x , we tend to feel weighed down by we subconsciously see as a betrayal of our faith. Like there’s a lesser hell for such other ‘petty’ sins, and a massive hell for gay men who get intimate before praying to God.

    The reality is that you both are as culpable of sin as a straight guy who lusts after a female neighbour, or a trader who sells fake merchandise, never mind a child who stole from his mother’s purse. And going by what we believe as Christians and muslims, the aforementioned set of persons are doomed for eternity.

    So here’s how I condition my mind,
    I am a Christian , I believe in God and his existence and I am also gay af. I have come to realise that I am human, a sinner who lives merely by grace and really can’t help himself in certain areas such as his sexuality. So I pray to God, I tell him the challenges I’m facing and I know he understands. All I need to do is to live a life that humanity can be proud of, love my fellow man (pun intended) as I love myself, do good, and serve God.

    I am not in anyway encouraging carefree lasciviousness , I just want religious queer folks to tone down on getting overly beated-up whenever they indulge in a little pleasure.

    • Mandy
      February 04, 13:06 Reply

      THIS!!!
      ALL OF THIS is exactly what I came here to say.

    • Ken
      February 04, 14:17 Reply

      Except that “little pleasure” is a sin within your control, unlike being gay af. You don’t choose whom u are attracted to but u can choose not to fuck

      Just saying tho

      • Pezaro
        February 04, 16:34 Reply

        True we can control it, but we as humans are infallible, rather than spiralling into bouts of self-incrimination. One can always go to pray and ask for God’s forgiveness.

  7. Deviantus
    February 04, 11:53 Reply

    The answer is to move from the Old Testament version of Christianity to the New Testament version.

    And even that is only the scriptures by people who actually followed Christ, not rabid converts (ahem Paul)

    From what I’ve taken from the Bible, there are two commandments which overrule everything else and they both preach Love and Understanding.

    That,☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼, was my first way to deal with the guilt.

    Now?

    Well, I’ve come to find that organised religion is bullshit. I’ve come to realise that most religious scripture was compiled by men who had a socio-political agenda.

    Take the bible for instance, it was translated from ancient Hebrew and Aramaic and some of its words were either mistranslated or deliberately changed to suit the transcribers narrative.

    There are also so many books that were taken out in the name of “editing”.

    Final point on organised religion: Will the people who subjugated an entire continent of people ACTUALLY be leading them to salvation or just wiping out their cultural identity? This is actually one of the root causes of most peoples aspiration to whiteness. After all, the Christian God is blonde with blue eyes. (Someone once said that it’s only in Africa that none of the gods look like it’s people)

    Another point: one of the reasons Christianity was introduced to the African continent was as a way to charm the locals and bypass security thereby cultivating commerce.

    Finally, “Religion is the opium of the people”
    – Karl Marx

  8. Rudy
    February 04, 12:06 Reply

    Like Mr Bob Marley sang whole heartedly in his song “Redemption Song”, we as Africans have to “EMANCIPATE OURSELVES FROM MENTAL SLAVERY, FOR NONE BUT OURSELVES CAN FREE OUR MINDS”.

    Our ancestors were enslaved for hundreds of years by the white/Arab men the same time the said white/arab men used these supposed “holy books” to teach them morality and only left us these books after fulfilling their wicked intentions of looting, murdering and selling our ancestors.

    So you ask yourself are these books to be trusted? A book your slave master gives to you after he bids you farewell? If there was an iota of good intention from these people, the trade of humans wouldn’t have happened in the first place.
    *word to the wise they say, is enough*

    We have been fooled and mentally enslaved for the longest of time but hopefully no more, It’s 2021 and ignorance is the farthest thing away from blissfulness.

    The truth is out there, seek it!

    • bamidele
      February 04, 14:48 Reply

      Best response in my opinion. I wouldn’t have put it any better.
      Most of Africa’s problems are entwined in mental slavery!

    • bamidele
      February 04, 14:52 Reply

      Rudy,
      thanks for giving the best comments so far. I wouldn’t have put it any better. Most of Africa’s problems are results of mental slavery!

      • Rudy
        February 05, 02:14 Reply

        Don’t mention @ bamidele.😊
        In time, our people will see and be blind no more.
        Knowledge and wisdom, the lack of these elements sadly take us to our graves before our physical bodies are buried.
        For we tend to only exist and not live.

  9. Archer
    February 04, 12:55 Reply

    I can relate to this. I’m Muslim too. Sometimes, its difficult for me too. One thing I have come to accept though is that God is love and HE loves me the way I am.

  10. Mandy
    February 04, 13:04 Reply

    I just have a question to ask you, Abdul, and Max (if he’s reading) and any other gay person with this conflict of feeling guilt after sex: if y’all were heterosexual, do you imagine you’d feel the same guilt? If you were out there smashing the private parts of members of the opposite sex who you’re not married to, would you torture yourselves like this?

    I suspect the answer would be no, even when you know that extramarital sex is condemned by religions. If that’s a “sin” that heterosexual people can commit freely and without judgment, then why saddle yourselves with the judgment of the “sin” you’re committing?

    And please don’t say its because its gay sex. Sex is sex. Sex outside marriage is sex outside marriage. If your heterosexual counterparts feel no burden of guilt for sleeping around, you shouldn’t too. And I say this because sex seems to be the only time you realize you’re homosexual and sinning. You could go out there and lie and cheat and steal… And not feel like that’s something to link to your gay guilt. So why do that for sex?

    Please, dear religious community members, be like your heterosexual brethren. Exist in your religion by picking and choosing what works for you and your mental health. Because you will not ever stop being gay. And if you can’t stop being religious, then get over your guilt and simply LIVE.

    • Ken
      February 04, 14:20 Reply

      Actually fornication is a sin, whether is gay or straight. Straight guys also have similar conflict after fucking. Just that it’s easier to confess straight sex than gay sex bcos of our religious background.

      Note that straight sex doesn’t happen as often as gay sex tho. Women will make u work for it lol

      • pezaro
        February 04, 16:43 Reply

        “Just that it is easier to confess straight sex than gay sex because of our religious background”

        Really? Like really? In other words straight fornication is minor while gay fornication is major, dear Ken you have some serious unlearning to do.

        And OAN it’s your religious background, not ours.

    • Pezaro
      February 04, 16:45 Reply

      Touché , gay men need to unshackle themselves from this mental slavery.

  11. Lionelkings
    February 04, 14:35 Reply

    Thank you Deviantus.

    Last year was the year I saw organised religion for what it is. Organised religion’s sole purpose is for political accountability, spirituality be damned.

    I was a very devoted Catholic, I didn’t just hold positions , I pioneered some societies like the mother of perpetual help and co in my parish. I enjoyed the societal capital and the sense of accomplishment and entitlement it brought but deep down I wasn’t happy. For each time someone, an older person or a priest complimented my devotion to God’s work, I felt like a cheat. A monster. The wolf in sheep’s clothing . It always made me feel terrible and less . I was the biggest hypocrit I knew then…lol.

    I couldn’t find a way to be me and be for God. In fact being me wasn’t an option because in the Christianity organised religion taught me , there is no me . Its only christ in me and I am to loose myself to find him. That was the problem . It was black and white . You can’t serve two masters at the same time they say.
    When I say that it was excruciatingly painful and miserable then it you know I want to underestimate how all of those made me feel.

    My liberation and journey towards spirituality devoid of any institutions manual started as my politics began to grow. Of course , so many other things happened in between , things that helped me to unmask organised religion. I know that there is supernatural and I have felt and seen things happen before. Things are not ordinary and because of this , I couldn’t because of the ills of organise religion conclude that there is no God or that supernatural powers doesn’t exist. The real question though is , why is it that we need institutions to have access to a spiritual being ??
    Why does these institutions tell us that its a personal race and ends ups dictating every thing about how to run the race in the myriads of episcopal, papal and any other BS name they choose to call the documents contain the doctrines . If we worship “AN” awesome God (Christian) why are there different brands institutions with different teachings and modalities for relating with God ..why?
    Could it be because of humans thirst for appropriation of power and power for exploit at the expense of peoples need.
    Like why will the all.loving God want me to give my last card or the little I have during a pandemic to a priest that has health benefit , free housing , free transportation and food because its cathedraticum or because the “Church” needs a hall that it will end up letting to only the ruling class / middle class people ? While at same time the church is not doing anything to materialing help my life and would further gas light me with things like “Jesus went through worse ” …”If God killed his only son”…Lol.
    Meanwhile, the pope has an entire castle for vacation 🙄

    Why would the all Loving God be like that? And if THEIR are like that , on what audacity would THEY be demanding for an unearned devotion ?

    I resolved I definitely won’t be serving any such God. My God, the one I worship, frowns at homophobia, for his will to see us have life in abundance hates transphobia with passion. My God is anti capitalist and takes no pride in seeing people creating alternate imaginary happiness because there is no real happiness. My God wants me to be happy and wants us to be happy. They wants us to Get the health care we need and when we need them, not be discrimated upon because of our genitals or absence of one.

    And My Gods teachings are in books. Books that elevate the human spirit, Books that start revolution and set oppressed people free.

    I worship him in the sanctuary of my soul and with the works of my hands. He loves love cuz he is love. My God is full of positive energy and helps me to stay away from negative ones. Negative ones are ones that demean the existence of others or prevent them from attaining real happiness.
    When I sing worship songs that I love I connect to him. When I fight for the right of others I know I am being his son. I am a man of faith and spirituality but don’t mistake me for those who use institutions as their moral compass.

    Lmao …WTF am still typing. Please pardon the typo.

    • Rudy
      February 05, 02:37 Reply

      You’ve said it all @LionelKings and made so much sense.

      Your God, my God is one and He,She, It or They loves mankind and wants to see us happy, healthy, thrive and above all love, we are all equal in the eyes of this God, a God who is far more greater and powerful than the God in the books of man.

      Live out loud and proud brethren.
      Much love.

    • Tristan
      February 15, 15:15 Reply

      This reply can make a book. Incisive read.

  12. KingB
    February 04, 19:07 Reply

    I used to feel this way when I was younger but not anymore. I’m currently 27, gay ASF and I’m also a Believer. I love love God and maintain a relationship with Him. It took me a while to get to this level of acceptance. Just love yourself and like someone pointed out, adjust your reality to the New Testament Present reality. If only you know what these so called pastors do in secret, you’d be marvelled. Most importantly, Know God for Yourself ( very important). I remember one minister in my church bemoaning gay people in his sermon last year. Ever since he did that, I kept my distance from him. I sit on the second row in my church and all the minister know me but because of their hate for gay people, I no dey relate or greet them and some of them think it’s me being snubbish

  13. ChristianGayBoy
    February 05, 01:25 Reply

    I just want to say a thing or two. Hopefully it’s short.

    Faith in God is a personal race like we have all established, I find it ironic that when someone states he has guilt over a sin he has committed we are quick to mention “if only you know what your pastors are doing?” Why are the ills of another man a basis of comfort for someone who is conscious that he must have sinned?

    While we say this to encourage, we must know in the truest form of that statement what it loosely translates to is: because your moral compass (pastors, imams and religious leaders of all sort) is going to hell for secret sins, it’s okay for you to head to hell too.”

    Another notion I’d like to share my take on is the consistent use of colonialism as a means to discard the authenticity of religion. It is no doubt that these white men came with polished goodwill (deceit), but to address religion as one of the terrible things they brought without bias is inappropriate.

    They came in sheep clothing and lots of horse shit, but let’s not take away the fact that they came with horses and sheep whenever we want to talk down on religion. Point is, colonialism was the start of many of our problems but it was also the end of many others (not as much but still…) We are convenient to call Islam or Christianity shitty and white man’s weapon against us. But we forget we had African religions that requested for the bloods of virgins and the heads of first born child. We forget that once we served gods we believed protected us from curses when we kill the bad luck of the evil spirit symbolized in the birth of twins.

    We forget that Africa is not cut out of the world today because these wicked men in doing their wicked unforgivable acts also sowed good seeds like the birth of civilization.

    Again, they colonialism is full of shit but many times it is an argument we so conveniently use when we see just how well it helps whatever narrative we are trying to sell.

  14. Rudy
    February 05, 02:08 Reply

    As queer people we should be at the forefront of questioning the narrative and pushing boundaries & where better to begin with this than the mighty’ol Religion that has kept so many of us in bondage.
    A careful digging into the history of religion and the dissection of it thereof would open one’s eyes to the BS that it is, pardon my french but it actually is BULLSHIT!

    That it is a political mechanism & tool to control the masses. Simply put!
    Christianity and Islam are both fabrics from the same cloth. They were all inventions of man. The history behind them were borrowed from the Jewish culture and tweaks were made to them by the Romans, Arabs (and in recent times not far as 1946) the Americans introduced the word “Homosexuality” into the bible all with the malicious intent to control the masses and to promote the Patriarchy.

    The fact is our ancestors before modern day religion knew what was right from wrong and they had lived thousands to millions of years before us (something we tend to easily forget).
    They knew it was wrong to steal, that it was equally wrong to take up someone’s wife or husband. They had their own system of traditions that helped maintained balance in the society.

    Even though there were highly questionable practices such as human sacrifices back in the day, it only goes to show how broken the human race used to be and how far we have come. Modern day may have it’s pros (which if you look at, is an adaptation of common sense). However modern day religion has not done any better, if anything it has caused much more harm than good from brain washing the masses, to the time of inquisition, the witch trials, female inferiority and to the current climate where homosexuals are the focus of oppression, to name but a few.

    With the evolution of man and the quench for knowledge the human race will hopefully be at a better place than it has ever been in history.
    A quick internet search for the “Letter From King Leopold Of Belgium To The Missionaries ” will tell you that our ancestors were good-willed people.
    The Creator that made us gave us the brain to think and apply common sense & judgement into whatever we do. We do not need a book to tell us what is wrong and what is right, that is what our brain and instincts are there for.

    Don’t you think if there was a one true holy book given to mankind by the creator, that book would & should have been given to Adam? For as much as we are made to believe he was the first person on earth and who better to receive these commandments that the father of all nations? 🤷🏽‍♂️
    Why wait for thousands of years of cruelty, wars and slavery only to present to us, the enslaved, a holy book from our slave masters?

    Religion was invented irregardless of what we have been indoctrinated to believe. It is tough to accept these facts but as I said earlier in my comment, the truth is out there for the taking.
    There is a creator, a God, he/she/it is a force-like energy which can neither be created nor destroyed.
    No one has seen him or her before but he or she is believed to exist by the mere proof of our own existence, for if there is a Creation, there must be a Creator.
    We are here because of that energy and what we should do is to make this world a better place for the next generation.
    Do good to your fellow human, think good thoughts about yourself and about others, be kind, apply your common sense and do only unto others what you would want to be done unto you.
    Above all Love your fellow man(we gays sure took this up the notch lol).
    These are not biblical, these are common sense.

    The creator gave us everything for free to survive, the air, the land for cultivation and mining, trees and animals for food and the best of all a BRAIN to use to think and apply our thoughts to make creation of our own.

    Religion robbed us the ability to think (that is what religion does) it forces you to believe without any proof hence the word “Faith” being the bane of religious teachings.
    Spirituality on the other hand is being at par with your being and spirit, practicing goodness and seeking knowledge, this is what leads to enlightenment and emancipation.

    It’s a hidden fact and notion that when the white man was created he asked the question “Why am I here”? So he began to study his surroundings and the nature around him and found Science, the study of nature and through the application of what he learnt, he managed to make inventions to make life on earth suitable, sustainable and easier than it was before his time but when the black man was created he asked the question “who brought me here”? So he learnt nothing but instead went around searching far and near as to the source of creation, who God is and which God is better than which, all of which led to nothing but laziness, hatred, abject poverty, war and divisions of which we still suffer from today.

    Once upon a time we were leaders of our lands, a land rich in every imaginable material and were powerful beyond measure but with the introduction of religion into our lands, the white man holding the bible in his hand and we possessing our lands, asked us to close our eyes and say a prayer with him, we opened our eyes and we had the bible in our hands and they had our lands and all our possessions.

    It’s no more sinful to be gay than it is to be straight (not rocket science). What is wrong for a gay person to do is to go against his or her nature which is, strive to be straight because nature didn’t wire as that way.
    We have succumbed to the narratives of the majority as opposed to our true inclination and intuitions to the point that being who we are and existing in our beings creates a neurotic reaction within our minds making us think ill of ourselves and causing us to live a life of destruction all because the gay person has been told his or her life isn’t worth living.
    Total HS (HorseSh*t)!

    Albeit Religion has fulfilled its mission to divide and conquer, the rest is upon us to weaponise ourselves with wisdom, knowledge and above all apply our common sense leaving this narrative of heaven and hell because metaphorically the whites are living in the so called heaven whiles we Africans are living in the proverbial hell that we have been shoved under our ears & throats with.

    Above all, let’s not forget that “Service to mankind is service to God” & this is all what we need to do as human beings.

    Shalom!

    • ChristianGayBoy
      February 05, 02:29 Reply

      While your response is perhaps the most intelligent thing I might get to see through out 2021 (that was a lot of deep analysis). Fact remains we do not decide what a person should see as wrong and as right.

      If heaven and hell is something a person holds to heart then it’s valid as valid can get. We talk about “live and let’s live” which for the greater part means “I no kill person let me be as I am.” It becomes fallible on our part to dictate to what degree live and let’s live compass outside what is already the basic (don’t hurt others, don’t trample on the right of another etc.) It’s immaterial if a man believes hell exists as its immaterial is another does not.

      We can’t direct the narrative for the human race. Your points made are valid on all retrospect but it doesn’t have to be bought into and this is where my problem lies from my initial comment.

      We invalidate what the next man is saying the moment it does not fit into our ideology. You mentioned certain things that matter in having a solidified relationship with God (among which you said “love your fellow man and love God – forgive me if I paraphrased) and while these things are key (as Christian I agree with them) it could be argued against by another scholar or well informed philosopher that it is not enough.

      80 billion souls roam the earth for a reason, to see the world through the lense of their very eye. If you think Abdul and Max are over reacting that’s okay. Give your take but to speak in the defiant persistent tone of “this is it and you should do this!” Is quite absurd and troubling.

      Your personal philosophy has created your safe space I believe, let them find theirs. The point is to tackle internalized homophobia and from my personal evaluation and experience I don’t think giving up on your spiritual connectivity is the answer (I replaced spiritual with religion based on your use of the word in your comment- this is because it’s more appropriate for what I was trying to say in my earlier comment. Religion is a problem no doubt and if you ever reread my first comment please do replace it with spiritual or spirituality when the word comes up).

      • Rudy
        February 05, 03:12 Reply

        My intention had nothing to do with invalidation more or less than it has to do about facts.

        I’m not here to argue with anyone about their religious beliefs, for once upon a time I held such strong beliefs and opposed any ideology different from what I knew, therefore you have partly misconstrued my intentions.

        What I tried to do was to prompt those who still struggle with their faith and sexuality, about the necessity of knowing more about the motivations behind the scriptures used against them. Scriptures that have caused so much harm than good and had led to the death of so many queer people.

        Are you aware in modern day 2021 gay people are still being hanged and pushed over buildings in some parts of the Middle East in the name of religion and that chances of Abdul being alive to tell his story as he just did here would be VERY VERY slim if he lived in the Middle East?

        This story was about finding answers to these questions that lingers in the corridors of the minds of so many queer people.
        And my write up was nothing but a tap on the shoulders of these people to take a breather, have a solo soulful trip to find answers that has eluded them for so long.

        Because to be fair, we were all born into religion and fed with it, chances are if you @ChristianGayBoy were to be born in China, you wouldn’t have held this moniker in the first place.
        So these things were fed unto us by our parents, grand parents and ancestry thereof, basically as per the environment we were born into.
        It isn’t as innate as our sexuality.

        So I’d be damned to gulp it all up to the point of intoxicating myself with some of the bile teachings it says about people of my kind and not bat an eye to question it and find answers.
        The same answers Abdul and the others are seeking, I did no wrong here but to give my two cents about this.

        I appreciate your acknowledgement above all.

        • ChristianGayBoy
          February 05, 07:03 Reply

          Good day Rudy. The use of “you” in the afore stated comment is not a direct identification as “you” but to the general public.

          I hope hold my religious faith not because it was given to me by my parents or system. I come from a Muslim background which I point out when I am told “if you were born into another religion you would have been that religion and nothing much else.”

          Many people on a rough sketch may be 90% (inaccurate) live and die with the religion they came to the world to meet.

          I think atheists in many cases come from one religious background or the other. Religion is toxic in every regard hence why I tried to shred it off my earlier statements. And it’s why I like to say “My” Christianity is not a religion but a partnership with God.

          Yes I didn’t get to this point by following hear says. This is exactly what I was pointing out in my first comment when I said we need to know God for what our personal individual knowledge as come to find out and not based on the colourful words of pastors and imams and what not.

          I am feminist not just because I felt it was the right thing to do but because I know it is. My knowledge came from searching, reading different materials (not particularly books) and also reading my religious book (sigh. Can we just ignore that word 👀 😭). It’s the same book pastors used to preach on the sinful thought of Feminism but in my very case it was exactly what I shaped my Feminist views (chuckles, and yes I am 100% Feminist not the alternative kind that many religious people up hold which is like sitting on a fence).

          I know that Homosexuality is NORMAL because I searched for answers. I know because in my communion with God we had conversations that had answers. This is precisely why we need spirituality not religion.

          Religion makes you know what you don’t Know or understand as though you do and the worst thing we can do to ourselves is claim the existence of something we do not even understand as our reality and way of life.

          I like to think the only emotion I feel during homophobic sermons is anger and empathy, anger towards a broken system that has failed to educate itself and empathy for the clueless who preach knowledge that they don’t know they they understand and truly know.

          I will always say this, “find God for yourself” I am Christian and my problem is not ‘Lord will I go to heaven’ it has not been since I found my faith through insight. I don’t believe sin in a normal baic sense is cause to go to hell it could set things to motion but there is more. I know you don’t believe in heaven or hell and that’s okay as it’s your truth.

          However, I believe sin exists an because my truth has made that known unto me. So to everyone who is conflicted let him find answers.

          Lastly, your points a valid, precise, (I am referring to “you” Rudy in this part). I can’t discard how potent they sound but I hope we (now not you and I but all of us) give Abdul and Max and many more out their “just the nudge” like you said your intent was as seen in your last comment.

          Thank you.

          • Rudy
            February 05, 17:33 Reply

            I’ve heard all that you’ve said and have enjoyed the banter just as much. To that effect thank you.😄

            One thing though is I consider myself a “Free Thinker”. As I have learnt & come to believe that the Creator did not give Mankind any form of Religion to follow. I am not an atheist either as I do believe in a Creator, atheists on the other hand don’t because they claim there isn’t enough evidence to proof the existence of a God or gods.

            After all is said & done it is the cruel rhetorics projected by organised religion and some of it’s followers about the impending doom for the gays that has caused all this confusion and pain.

            The question is when is religion going to recognise the harm it has caused, still causing and will cause in the future?

  15. ChristianGayBoy
    February 05, 02:33 Reply

    Sigh (I replaced religion with spiritual)* not (I replaced spiritual with religion)*

  16. Hubert
    February 05, 10:48 Reply

    So, there was a time when I could swear by anything I was an atheist. That was the time I was struggling with my sexuality. But not anymore. Now, I’ve come to accept I’m both a Christian and a gay man. Period. They’re both sides of me and they’re both reconcilable. And I accept each part of me as perfect.

    Here’s the thing I’ve come to accept, that I am a gay man and this is who I am. God knows this and I know this. And I also know that parts of the Bible condemn my existence as sin. But so did the Bible condemn the gentiles and many other things as sin or unacceptable. Like wearing mixed fabrics, or women preaching in churches.

    I call these things the blind sides of the Bible, that these rules found themselves in the Bible due to the time they were written in. Today, we all wear mixed fabrics, and advocate more leadership roles for the woman in church. In fact, the gentiles who were uncircumcised were given the chance to be called children of God.

    Why? it is due to the evolving Biblical message on love and acceptance as well as the evolving times. That’s why I believe that the religious conservatives’ acceptance gay rights is only a matter of time. About three years ago, the Methodist? Church broke apart due to the West branch’s acceptance of gay rights. And heavily religious Ireland actually voted for gay rights, not through a court battle.

    Until Africa and my church reaches a point of acceptance, I would accept myself first. That’s why if I should have Sex with a my fellow man, I do not feel any other extra burden of guilt because it is a gay sex. Yes, fornication is a sin, just as, I also know that gay sex doesn’t come with extra charges.

    So yes, being gay doesn’t mean one has to be an atheist. I believe it’s a mater of love and acceptance. And reconciling ones faith with his sexuality.

    In parting words, I’d leave you with the words of Pope Francis I: “If a person is gay and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge?”

    • ChristianGayBoy
      February 06, 08:34 Reply

      Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! @hubert!

      Well said, well said! I screamed into my pillow reading what you had to say! And I agree with you. When straight people ask “how can you be gay and Christian?” I ask “how can you be straight and Christian?”

      We are bound by the same rule, the same life. Equality is just that equality. We are one and the same serving the same one God. I am not feeling sorry I had gay sex (hello???? What other sex will I be having???) I’d feel bad because I FORNICATED.

      Being gay is a natural creation order and there is no invalidating that.

      On that not Hubert, can we be friends? 🥺

  17. trystham
    February 05, 15:54 Reply

    Lol. I was amused at the post-coitus religious activities and would av dropped a very nasty comment if the moment of sober reflection didn’t come after.

    Anyway, after all is said and done, did y’all fuck again? That matters the most

  18. T.T
    February 06, 16:36 Reply

    Isn’t it the reason why we pray so that God can forgive us our sins ? No sin is more superior whether you lie or do whatever the reward is the same according to our Holy books. You must find peace within yourslf else you will always be in conflict with your religion. You of all people should know that you didn’t made yourself gay.

    @Abdul i know you are a Muslim but, try and read this book by Joyce Meyer “God is not mad at you “

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