Dear KD: I Urgently Need A Contract Girlfriend

Dear KD: I Urgently Need A Contract Girlfriend

It is the tale as old as time. Boy is born gay. Family is homophobic. Family wants to know when Boy is settling down. Boy keeps putting off the inevitable, until one day, his village witches decide his time is up.

My family members have been asking me the “When will you get married?” questions for a while now. And I have been brushing their queries aside.

Then a few weeks ago, I got a call from my dad, asking me to come home for him to see me. This was weird, because the old man doesn’t make it a habit of calling me. I traveled home to see him, and the reason he wanted to see me was regarding an LGBT pic I’d posted on Facebook a while ago. I’d already blocked him on Facebook, but it would seem that one of my step-siblings (I’m from a polygamous home) had seen the pic, and in a bid to dim my shine, which is customary of siblings in polygamous homes, he showed the pic to my father.

So, as he queried me, he called my mother, involving her in the matter. My mother of course spoke up in support of me. Why? Because she believed I have a girlfriend. You see, once upon a time, when she asked me about the girl I was dating, I manufactured a woman who would be my mother’s dream daughter-in-law. She is Akwa Ibom State. A student of University of Uyo. Speaks fluent Yoruba. Dark-skinned and beautiful.

When I told my mother of this fictitious girlfriend, I had no idea her memory, like that of the elephant, would preserve everything I told her.

And so, in defending me to my father, she dredged up the girl, stating to my father that she knew for a fact that her son has a girl he’s intending to marry. And so, my father has asked for me to bring the girl over before Ramadan starts.

And here lies my problem. That girl doesn’t exist. And I have never toasted a girl ever in my life. SO I NEED HELP!!!

I need a girl FAST! And she has to fit into all or at least three-quarters of these categories: Dark-skinned and beautiful;

From Akwa Ibom State (this is important!);

A recent graduate or student of the University of Uyo;

Must’ve studied Business Admin or such related course;

Speaks Yoruba fluently;

Must be able to come up with stories on the spot, because my sisters are next to CIA investigators.

Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, I am desperate. If anyone is or knows anyone who is a candidate, going by these standards, please, reach out to me via email on teikabonka@gmail.com. Remuneration/payment will also be made available as I understand this cannot be a free venture. So email me and let’s discuss the contract.

Thank you.

Submitted by Famzing

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62 Comments

  1. pete
    April 19, 06:44 Reply

    This one na job application. You don’t have to limit yourself to the old tale you told. Any girl from Akwa Ibom (as it seems the most important factor) can do. And after the charade of presenting a girl to them, what next?

    • FAMZING
      April 19, 08:04 Reply

      After the presentation, a break up story will be come up using tribe as excuse.

  2. OroboHunter
    April 19, 07:18 Reply

    Things may not end up in your favour.. I’ll advice you have a re think.. You’re setting urself up for future black mail by involving someone else.

  3. Absalom
    April 19, 07:24 Reply

    How old are you? Are you up to the “desperate age”?

    How close is Ramadan sef? Can a girl with different specs do? — people change lovers, abi?

    Can you manufacture a breakup, same way you manufactured a relationship?

    Is it possible to ask your family to get off your back? Can you tell us the worst they’ll do if you keep them hanging for now?

    • FAMZING
      April 19, 08:06 Reply

      Manufacturing a breakup now is extremely suspicious, like i earlier said, after the parade. Break up comes in. Knowing my Dad fully well, he’ll be glad i left the south south girl for a proper yoruba and muslim girl.

  4. Tyler
    April 19, 07:46 Reply

    Do the cost benefit analysis. What’s the best and worst thing that would happen to you if your family knows you’re gay? I know you’re not ready to come out but then covering up with lies wouldn’t help, after all you’re independent. Rethink.

  5. Amon
    April 19, 08:01 Reply

    When family become agents of the devil. Smh. Sometimes you have to learn to be rebellious for your peace of mind

  6. bruno
    April 19, 08:06 Reply

    if you you are financially independent, I’d advice that you break this leash your family seem to have on you once and for all… you don’t have to pick unfavorable calls or start heading home everytime they ask. in fact you really don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.

    • Marvin
      April 19, 08:41 Reply

      You are right Bruno. It is high time we started telling our parents the truth, for how long will these lies and impersonation continue? I believe our counterparts in the western world started by coming out and they are now getting their freedom. We do not believe in ourselves and we are not proud of our sexuality. You have only one life, be you and pay no mind to anyone that can not accept you for you.

  7. ambivalentone
    April 19, 08:18 Reply

    Is the world of our parents going to end tomorrow and I didnt get the memo? The intense pressure to see spouses and grand-babies is beginning to be a tad suspicious

  8. Canis VY Majoris
    April 19, 09:10 Reply

    Lmao idk if it’s the request or comments that is sooo funny to me. Here are KDs again dishing out advice like it’s a brunch for the less privileged.

    How many of you are out to your family?

    As for you Mr. Desperado, I hope you find what you’re looking for, if I find anyone, I’d pass on your contact.

  9. Francis
    April 19, 10:06 Reply

    This one na nice business arrangement oh…if you don’t make the mistake of hiring someone that will eventually blackmail and drain your finances or land you in jail for murder.

    Best of luck with the search ??

      • Francis
        April 19, 11:11 Reply

        My brain/mind still dey work overtime as always so it’s safe to say I’m very alright ??

  10. Eli
    April 19, 10:09 Reply

    Famzing, believe me, you are only digging your grave with this, this might be the *easy* way out but believe me, these lies will pile up and bury you. I would advise that you make a plan and free yourself…All the best.

  11. KingBey
    April 19, 11:12 Reply

    How about you chanel this energy and resources into actually chyking a girl? It is not that bad. Social media has made dating much easier. Log on to Facebook or Instagram…..get your spec and chyke her. Instead of exposing yourself to a possible future blackmail….do the job yourself and you can break up afterwards if you wish. Who knows…you might end up making a good friend.

  12. y
    April 19, 11:14 Reply

    Please do let us know how this all plays out.

  13. cedar
    April 19, 11:33 Reply

    I don’t know if it’s my eyes or something but guy, every part of this your plan shines red to me.

  14. Gad
    April 19, 12:06 Reply

    Though I have some reservations about the steps you decided to take, I will advise you get a lesbian instead. Though, I don’t know any from AkwaIbom, I know quite a few that will be willing to help at no cost. I will still suggest that if you eventually take anyone home, please don’t allow him spend too much time with your family. Stories of rushing of to her PPA, work, to attend to her family issues can help put off the probings of your siblings. Lastly, don’t give room for exchange of contacts with your family members and the girl. I quite understand the value you placed on your family and will not advice you to trade that for anything. Those shouting that you should be confrontational or come out to your family should first assure us that they have done the same. Even if they did, the fact that some people can beat up their parents without any feeling of remorse, is no reason for you to do same neither does it make it right.

    • Pink Panther
      April 19, 12:59 Reply

      Gad, his email address is there. Do please contact him so you can connect him to the women you know who might be interested

      • iAmNotAPerv
        April 20, 05:36 Reply

        Can i also be connected? you know erm for… research and future use 🙂

    • FAMZING
      April 19, 15:04 Reply

      I sent this to KD simply because i want the help and opinion of our lesbian sisters. So if there’s any who fit the description, i’ll gladly welcome.

      • Gad
        April 19, 21:42 Reply

        I sent you an email.

    • Dimkpa
      April 20, 07:15 Reply

      “Those shouting that you should be confrontational or come out to your family should first assure us that they have done the same. Even if they did, the fact that some people can beat up their parents without any feeling of remorse, is no reason for you to do same neither does it make it right.”

      Telling the truth is not beating anyone up and there is no need to be remorseful for opening up about one’s true nature. I struggle to understand what is wrong in being truthful to one’s parents.

      • Gad
        April 20, 10:17 Reply

        You don’t have to struggle. All that we require from you is the story of how you came out to your parents or are you parentless or immune to coming out?

        • Pink Panther
          April 20, 16:27 Reply

          Um, Gad, Dimkpa’s coming out story has already been read on KD. You really cannot fault him in that aspect of being true to himself.

          • Gad
            April 20, 18:09 Reply

            I must have missed the episode but my point has always been that we should recognize the fact that our circumstances are different. The writer made it clear that his family is highly homophobic. Why suggest to him to come out. Some can’t bear to “disappoint” their families. Some families can even go to the extent of poisoning their gay sons. Some people can easily excommunicate their families but can’t bear the thought. We should consider each person,s circumstances. That’s all I’m saying.

            • Pink Panther
              April 20, 19:38 Reply

              I get that point. I understand you, really I do.I realize the fact that people’s circumstances are very different and what applies to one doesn’t to another. And perhaps those of us who are less conservative on LGBT issues should realize this and slow down in our concerns about visibility. It just galls sometimes that the more conservative ones in the community use the difference in circumstances as an excuse to discourage the importance of visibility.

  15. Chloé
    April 19, 12:55 Reply

    This is going to backfire. I repeat this is going to backfire. I don’t know how but it is going to backfire. I will suggest that you get off those hinges that your family already have on you. You’re a full grown man and should be able to stand up to family in situations like this. Not every whimp from family should get you rattled up this much to want to please them at all cost. If you don’t come with the woman would heaven fall? Will someone die mysteriously? Abeggy!!!

  16. Stephen
    April 19, 13:14 Reply

    So this is the deal….I could help bt the babe aint an akwa ibom gal and she’s bi if its okay by u…

  17. INDIGENE
    April 19, 15:22 Reply

    If you are not ready, do t come out to them! Don’t! But you need to start planning how to tackle future issues. If you would be an MGM later on, start working in that now.. Maybe you should chyke a girl properly.. But if you have decided not to live a lie I think you should do something now.. There should be other ways than coming out to them.

    • Gad
      April 20, 03:17 Reply

      MGM are living a lie? Really

      • Dimkpa
        April 20, 07:10 Reply

        No MGM aree not living a lie. The truthfulness of their existence reeks to the highest heavens.

        • Gad
          April 20, 10:32 Reply

          Research and experience has shown that those who often display animosity towards a person or a group are usually the people that wish they can be like them but can’t. I still think it’s wise to for one to stop attacking the people or a phenomenon that is not affecting him in any way.The MGM community don’t know you, they are not disturbing you. Why is their issue giving you so much headache? Nna, please take it easy on. I’m yet to get over the pains of Dr Orji and I can’t bear another incident.

          • Francis
            April 20, 10:36 Reply

            So for your mind now you haff made plenty sense. A frustrated MGM is less likely to commit suicide than a mentally stable single gay man living his truth.

            At some point in time, you’d have to accept the fact that just because you’ve perfected the act of living a double life (or triple life as the case may be), don’t mean others will ply your route and succeed.

            • Gad
              April 20, 13:50 Reply

              “a frustrated MGM is less likely to commit suicide than a mentally gay man living his truth”. You obviously made a lot of “sense”. Such hypocrisy!!!. Everyday you lament over the actions of homophobias who will not let you be since your sexuality is your business and no one else’s but you don’t think that bisexuals deserve to be left alone. You are gay. You don’t have feelings for women. You want the world to under and accept you but you refuse to accept and understand that there are those who have feelings for both sexes and you calls them fake and pretenders. Do you have conscience? Do you think you have the moral stand to condemn homophobias for there actions against you, oh wise man?

              • Francis
                April 20, 14:02 Reply

                If only old age or poor vision would free you, you’d probably see that i typed MGMs not MBMs unless you’ve decided to load them unto the same boat.

                P.S: please when you have time, kindly point out where i dragged married gay and bisexual men. Thank you.

            • FJ
              April 22, 23:10 Reply

              If the lie that mbm or mgm live does not in anyway affect the “truth” you and ur likes parade, why not leave them alone. Why meddle in some other people’s affairs while forgetting what brought you here. Isn’t it obvious that gay ppl are even worse homophobes than the heteros we all loathe? Live and let live, boy!

              • Francis
                April 22, 23:15 Reply

                The same P.S applies to you too. Champion of gay men with testosterone still running through their veins

              • Pink Panther
                April 22, 23:38 Reply

                You do know that homophobia isn’t defined as ‘gay men who don’t like the choices MGM makes’, right?

                • Gad
                  April 23, 04:35 Reply

                  The brazen display of double standards by people here is no longer surprising to me. Gays seeks understanding for their sexuality especially as its their choice and affects no one but same gays will always call MBMs/MBMs fake and other abusive names. FJ rightly described it as a form of homophobia. Are you saying that he used a wrong choice of word or what? If it’s not homophobia, please what appropriate name should it be called?

                  • Pink Panther
                    April 23, 06:19 Reply

                    I’m just here for the wrong use of grammar. Its not homophobia. I don’t know what you want to call it, but don’t call it what its not.

                    • Gad
                      April 23, 10:40

                      Noted. Maybe we should call it intolerance by a people who seeks tolerance.

              • Gad
                April 23, 05:26 Reply

                The truth is wise!!!. This is true and worthy of full acceptance. The greatest homophobes can be found amongst the LGBT community. Gays against gays. Gays against MGMs/MBMs and so on. A people seeking genuine answers to their problems must first of all go back to history. How did we get here? Once upon a time, two men or a clique of men in very close bond are admired by the society and often referred to as examples of true friendship in our local communities. The story changed when friends (gays) started outing each other to the outside world either for material reasons (blackmails), vain ego, jealousy, vendetta etc. That’s how it all began. In every mob that assembled against a gay guy there is a good percentage of other gays throwing stones at their brother. The hatred we have against ourselves is so deep. The situation in Chechnya was posted here yesterday, I refused to join for or against despite how pained I felt. Nobody seems to remember that once upon a time in that area, a soldier at gun point ordered a man he was dating to choose between shooting his wife or he and other soldiers present will wipe out his 5 children. The man reluctantly shot his own wife in the presence of their children. Is it possible that one of these children who witnessed the killing of their mother in cold blood is the President today? Just maybe. We are our own enemies and until we purge ourselves of self hatred, we will remain here, fags, queer .

                • Francis
                  April 23, 09:42 Reply

                  Summary: The world was a much better place when TBs were conducting their activities on the downlow and not making a nuisance of themselves asking for rights and shit!

                  Guy quit hiding your “keep the gays closeted” agenda under this crap you just wrote. I wonder where you get your info from sef.

          • Jeova Sanctus Unus
            April 21, 10:56 Reply

            Oh, is that why the majority of humanity loathes ISIS, Boko Haram, Nazis, The KKK, etc? Because deep down we want to throw our fellow human beings off buildings.

            Never knew that. Dalu so nna.

        • cedar
          April 21, 00:29 Reply

          hahahahhahaa, heeeiiiii.
          To me, d MGMT thingy is just messed up, big time.
          Onye relu nkita ya je golu enwe, ife ntukwu ka nokwa bi e.

  18. Lorde
    April 20, 07:09 Reply

    You couldve just lied and said yu broke up

  19. Dimkpa
    April 20, 07:17 Reply

    From most of the comments here, apparently dishonesty is now the best policy.

    • Francis
      April 20, 07:32 Reply

      ??? That has always been the policy here na. Nothing don change. With the number of retarded yarns I’ve seen on blogs and SM lately, I am gradually tilting towards that thought that this MGM thingy ain’t such a bad thing after all if na homophobes dey involved ????

  20. Pankar
    April 20, 10:32 Reply

    Famzing is an adult, he has clearly stated how he needs help. Lesbians? suggestions?
    There’s no backfire either just a well thought plan needed and heeding the plan to the last. Will be on the look out.

  21. Adichie
    April 20, 16:05 Reply

    So I support Gad and his ideas especially getting a Lesbians sister what are we LGBTQ for. And the only important story you need to come up with is how you met and your future plans for each other. I trust the lady you will pick to give them a detailed story of what the relationship has been like and the wedding she wants at the same time pleasing the family. Then the problem arises when it is time to put a ring or marry then the break up story will be? But when we get there we will cross it. We’re in this together bro. Please update us oh especially me. Twitter: @adichie__

  22. Jeova Sanctus Unus
    April 21, 09:34 Reply

    Nollywood suntin.

    1. They’re tribalistic.
    2. They’re tribalistic.

    A non-Yoruba girl who doesn’t speak the language would be unwelcome. They’d definitely not push for marriage with her, but will hope the relationship breaks up.

    Nollywood suntin. Some brain you have. ?

  23. posh666
    April 21, 14:10 Reply

    There goes another one who is about to embark on an unhappy life journey. .Mr Famz,you are obviously financially independent and can choose not to see your parents when the pressure gets too much.

    So Pls why exactly do you want to do this to yourself? Why do you care about what your Asshole of a step brother thinks about you? There is nothing wrong with you and sooner or later your Dad that you are trying to impress will eventually die but if this contract finally leads to marriage you will be the one that remains unhappy and leading a double life..

    Eventually these things finally come into the open or things get very messy in a way you can’t even begin to imagine right now.

    Nobody is asking you to come out to them but just make it very clear to them that you will marry when you are ready to and if they begin to assume you to be gay please let them ride on! How does that reduce your bank balance? Don’t forget nobody will be there when you and the woman start living together and you become miserable.. Free yourself from the mental shackles Nigerian parents put us into.

    • FJ
      April 22, 23:21 Reply

      Why cry more than the bereaved?

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