It is the tale as old as time. Boy is born gay. Family is homophobic. Family wants to know when Boy is settling down. Boy keeps putting off the inevitable, until one day, his village witches decide his time is up.
My family members have been asking me the “When will you get married?” questions for a while now. And I have been brushing their queries aside.
Then a few weeks ago, I got a call from my dad, asking me to come home for him to see me. This was weird, because the old man doesn’t make it a habit of calling me. I traveled home to see him, and the reason he wanted to see me was regarding an LGBT pic I’d posted on Facebook a while ago. I’d already blocked him on Facebook, but it would seem that one of my step-siblings (I’m from a polygamous home) had seen the pic, and in a bid to dim my shine, which is customary of siblings in polygamous homes, he showed the pic to my father.
So, as he queried me, he called my mother, involving her in the matter. My mother of course spoke up in support of me. Why? Because she believed I have a girlfriend. You see, once upon a time, when she asked me about the girl I was dating, I manufactured a woman who would be my mother’s dream daughter-in-law. She is Akwa Ibom State. A student of University of Uyo. Speaks fluent Yoruba. Dark-skinned and beautiful.
When I told my mother of this fictitious girlfriend, I had no idea her memory, like that of the elephant, would preserve everything I told her.
And so, in defending me to my father, she dredged up the girl, stating to my father that she knew for a fact that her son has a girl he’s intending to marry. And so, my father has asked for me to bring the girl over before Ramadan starts.
And here lies my problem. That girl doesn’t exist. And I have never toasted a girl ever in my life. SO I NEED HELP!!!
I need a girl FAST! And she has to fit into all or at least three-quarters of these categories: Dark-skinned and beautiful;
From Akwa Ibom State (this is important!);
A recent graduate or student of the University of Uyo;
Must’ve studied Business Admin or such related course;
Speaks Yoruba fluently;
Must be able to come up with stories on the spot, because my sisters are next to CIA investigators.
Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, I am desperate. If anyone is or knows anyone who is a candidate, going by these standards, please, reach out to me via email on firstname.lastname@example.org. Remuneration/payment will also be made available as I understand this cannot be a free venture. So email me and let’s discuss the contract.
Submitted by Famzing