This is not a story of rainbows and roses.
It’s about finding me.
Well, sort of.
It all began with me stepping out of my comfort zone. I was just being naughty, no serious intent, when I pinged my friend and asked him for the identity of the doe-eyed hunk on his BBM display picture. He told me he was a friend and it was his birthday. And I went all ‘oh my gawd, this guy is hot, hot, hot.’
‘Can’t you see him? He is freaking sexy,’ I continued rambling. ‘Is he available?’
I actually asked this without the faintest seriousness. It is not my style to be so unabashed with my emotions, especially if they pertain to a guy.
My friend knows this about me and was taken aback for a moment.
‘But…this isn’t you. What are you high on?’ he queried jokingly.
‘Ha! So I can’t decide to be extra crazy for one day, abi?’
We both laughed over the matter and carried on with a previous chatversation, as if the hunk didn’t exist and wasn’t staring back at us from the display picture.
I forgot about the whole matter till my friend sent me this message: I have spoken to him about you and he agreed for me to send you his pin.
‘Who?’ I asked, feeling myself going into a tailspin of panic.
‘Him na – Tolu.’
(Names have been changed.)
I began to hyperventilate. ‘Why did you… But I was just joking… Ahn-ahn! Ooh! You know it was all a joke na.’
‘Calm down,’ he cut in. ‘He is a nice guy. You’ll really like him. Just send the request first.’
Still I fretted, and for some minutes, my friend did his best to calm me down. And eventually, with a deep breath, I sent him a BBM friend request.
Tolu accepted and the whole world seemed to come to a standstill for me, as I waited for the next thing that would happen.
At this point, so many things were skittering through my mind.
I am a Christian. A staunch one. A Bible-thumping Christian, as some like to call it.
Nevertheless, I’d gotten to a point in my life where I had come to terms with the fact that I am gay and won’t ever be anything else.
I had also come to realize that it is nobody’s fault. I was born that way. And to reconcile my faith and my sexuality, I think I was preparing myself for a life of celibacy. I remember telling this same friend of mine that I was done with the whole ‘guy thing’.
I often plagued myself with questions. How do I reconcile being a staunch Christian and being who I am? How do I, with my Christian mind, go ahead and start a relationship that contradicts my personal beliefs as well as what I have read from the scriptures?
Thinking these things hurt. And truthfully, I didn’t have the answer.
I just wanted to be happy.
And this is not to say that I felt having this person in my life would bring me happiness. I think it was more of a last shot thing. You know, going out with a bang, no pun intended.
Just this once.
One last time.
That was my prayer as I made the decision to hit the new guy up.
As I wondered how to proceed with making Tolu’s acquaintance, I was tongue-tied – or finger-tied, as the case may be. I went back to my friend. He practically dictated my opening message, as well as few others at the beginning.
And so, gradually, Tolu and I got acquainted. And then, we met.
And damn! He was hotter in person and I was worried. I have lots of insecurities. I did not like the way I looked, I had issues with my body size, height, etc.
But for whatever reason, we clicked. We talked, laughed, played. It was really crazy. Crazy fun. And a few meetings later, several laughs later, I knew I was in love. Yes. I am one of those who believe in love at first – er…few sights.
As we progressed, the more comfortable I got with him, the more my fears melted away. Tolu loved the things I hated about myself. He made my happiness complete. Whenever he was at my place, I found myself rushing back home from work. In some cases, I ran. I couldn’t wait to get home.
On one of these home runs, it suddenly hit me: This must be how it feels to be married. Someone was waiting for me at home. However, in this case, that someone wasn’t a woman.
That someone was a man.
I was happy.
And then that sneaky thought, the finger of guilt, rose within with the questions: What about your beliefs, the bible and all? How do you reconcile all of this?
I paused and smiled. Some things just can’t be reconciled. Somehow, you just learn to live with them.
And this was when I began to feel relative peace. Not from the religious perspective or from the sexuality point of view.
My peace came from accepting the fact that some things just cannot be reconciled. Weird, right? I wish they could be reconciled. It is my desire to have my existence and belief come together in synergy.
But, as a psychiatrist once posted as his Facebook status some time ago:
“Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. This is the normal life of a human being. Your unfulfilled desire will hurt and hurt until you make peace with this truth… That there are things you will not have in this life and that’s perfectly alright.”
And you know what’s interesting? It is now almost nine months later.
Written by Black