I’ll be honest. I’ll be true. I’ll try to tell it as it is.
But I fear that I will fail.
We were getting serious, and it scared me.
Being vulnerable and letting go are things I fear, things I hate.
Powerlessness or the feeling of it, being at the mercy of another, not having control – oh God!
I never rest unless I have some iota of control
And then I met you and all my familiarity was gone
I was beginning to fall for you
Even when I knew falls are dangerous and bruising
I was beginning to love you even when I knew what love does to hearts
I held back. I couldn’t commit my all.
I knew you loved me too.
You said it. You whispered it, sang and danced it.
You were devoted and loyal and cared deeply.
Sometimes I feared for you. In my mind, you loved too deeply too quickly.
It was a recipe for disaster. It had to be.
People shouldn’t take risks like that. People don’t.
And so when you first told me you loved me, I doubted it.
How come? I wondered.
Was it not too soon?
How could you not fear getting hurt?
How could you give yourself so freely, so wholly?
But then my doubts cleared as your love got stronger. It was evident, as clear as day, as fresh as spring.
And as this became so, I stopped fearing for you and began fearing for myself.
I feared I might soon fall, that I’d love you in a maddening way.
That I’d let myself go and love you just as deeply and as freely.
And that thought scared me to death.
It didn’t matter that you said you were here, and not going anywhere, that we were right for each other.
I was scared.
So I ended it. I ended you.
I broke your heart because I feared that you’d break mine.
Leave before it gets too deep, I told myself.
I ran for the solace of my solitude because It is known, it is familiar.
It is not going to wake up someday and leave me or get tired of me.
What if I made space for you in my life, changed my plans and dreams, and later you walk out, leaving me alone and without the comfort of my walls and my erected fortress?
A part of me debated my decision.
A part of me wanted you to fight me over it, to tell me we would make it, to tell me that you could see through my fear
And that you were going nowhere, that fear is normal and that you’d always be here.
Maybe you said it. Maybe you screamed and I still did not listen. Maybe I hoped for too much.
I do not blame you for not fighting.
It is not easy loving someone who holds back, who likes his fortress of solitude.
But then you did break my heart after I broke yours
Barely two weeks past… Was I that easy to forget?
You said you loved me, and I was at a junction of immense confusion.
I wanted you to tell me it would be okay, to tell me that the future can be whatever we make of it, that we can survive.
Finding you in the arms of another so soon after tore me in ways I cannot explain.
But I wish you well.
I hope you are happy and that all your dreams are coming true.
I hope you forgive me because I wronged you.
And if your love was true, as true as you were kind
Then I am deeply sorry for breaking your heart.
Written by 644