JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 1)

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 1)

Here’s another series from yet another Kito-Diaries-sian, James. It’s not fiction. It’s a Dear Diary sort of write-up, one that will afford us glimpses into the life of a brother. Here’s the debut episode. Read and enjoy.

*

Blog_KD JournalApril 9

Love. . .

That word gives me different reactions. Sometimes it’s a “blergh!” Other times, it’s a “sigh”.

I have been in love. It hurt. But it also felt good. I couldn’t differentiate the two feelings. I felt them both intensely. And I didn’t bother to separate them either, because human love is an imperfect thing. You just enjoy and suffer whatever it gives you.

Maybe saying I was in love is a bit wrong. I still love, but it’s buried now. It had to be. For my good, for my sanity. I try not to think about then, when I felt everything would be alright as long as I had my love. Him. John. Sure, I got hurt so many times but I always got over it. I would rant and cry and be depressed but I would still look up ahead because I felt I could pull through anything as long as the other person was with me. Too bad they didn’t think the same.

Now I feel like I am walking this dark path and honestly I am scared. The shining light up ahead I could see is gone now and I don’t know if I will ever see it again. I also feel angry and abandoned. Those feelings are harder to bury.

I used to be a freelance agent, as a dear friend’s boyfriend put it. I thought it was just sex. Now sex is not just sex to me. I want it to mean something. I want to see something other than pleasure in the other person’s eyes. I want to make the other person happy, not just me. In spite of that, I hate that I am like this. I want to go back to the days when sex was just sex.

But you spend so long fucking your love that it feels meaningless with somebody else.

And then, I got a little lucky and met someone else. A new him. Duke. And I’m glad that my heart isn’t too hardened to feel love again. But I approach this one with caution for so many reasons. At the moment I cannot see it going anywhere. There’s also issues of the past this new guy has to deal with. I will approach this one with caution not because of what’s been done to me in the past, but because I do not want something that will have me wondering what it would have been like if we had the chance to be together a little longer.

The week I spent with Duke was lovely. John seemed so far away. It was like I was enclosed in this little bubble shielding me from the heartache I was feeling. But I had to go back to school and it returned. I’ve created too many memories attached to John. Even my own home is full of it. It doesn’t hurt as much as before, but there is still that longing. I don’t know why I still want his lean chiseled form pressed against me or why I want to see the way his mouth hangs slightly open and his eyes glaze over when we made love. I have managed to shut down jealousy, but just barely.

I am moving on. But every so once in a while I stand and look back at it all and look back with a little hope that I would see him running, trying to catch up with me, that he wants me back. But even that fantasy is getting dim. He is not coming for me. So I will press onward, in my own weird little way, and carve out another and hopefully better life for myself.

And Duke.

Is it too early to start falling for someone? That’s the question I ask most times. What I felt for John was real, people who know me can testify to that. But I feel like the fact that I am beginning to fall again makes it seem fake. But what should I do? Spend a year and a day mourning for what has been lost, or look for the brighter things life has to offer.

And Duke is so bright. His eyes. I close mine and  can still see them. Like caramel, almost clear caramel. He’s got a great smile, perfect teeth (no idea why I noticed that) and he is smart. And strong. Determined. He’s not someone who would let others bully him. When he talks about his feelings for me, I hear the sincerity. He holds my hands tightly and looks at me. He’s real too. I am glad about that. I was fed with lies when it came to John, lies and fairy tale endings. And like some stupid idiotic little teenage princess, I gulped it all down. And what I shat out was highly unpleasant (that’s gross, I know).

I hope there is a future for me and Duke. And if there is one, if it ends, I hope it won’t end like John and I did. I want to look back on it and think it was time well spent and not wasted. Just like I look back on me and my first and think that it was time well spent.

Written by James

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
Previous 12 BANGS A SLAVE
Next S.E.X: The Gay Alphabets?

About author

You might also like

James' Journal 32 Comments

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 20)

November 8 I watched some episodes of RuPaul’s drag race, and is it weird that I’m absolutely in love with the series? For those of y’all who don’t know what

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
James' Journal 69 Comments

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 30)

February 26 This is a long ass post. You have Pinky to blame for that one, since he asked for my spot last Sunday. Happy reading. I’ve started work in

Print Friendly, PDF & Email
James' Journal 11 Comments

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 22)

December 4 I’ve got a long list of ex lovers. They’ll tell you I’m insane. Taylor, you get me so well. My list isn’t as long as yours though. But

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

10 Comments

  1. kendigin
    May 25, 07:11 Reply

    Nice piece.
    All I can say is …I hope y’all are not in naija. If so, is best you forget about this “future” stuff. Relationships here don’t really have any future.
    Am not being a mean bitch, but the truth is that eventually almost everyone succumbs to d society/family pressure to marry a woman, settle down and have kids. Like 99.9% of us will tow this line. The other 0.1% will looked down on by the rest as weird/crazy/irresponsible/lesser human. Its just the way it is. Its the reason I try not to date in d 1st place

    #waitingformyoyibotocomeandmarrymeoff

    • pinkpanthertb
      May 25, 07:14 Reply

      LMAO @ #waitingformyoyibotocomeandmarrymeoff
      You and me both. 🙂

    • Hugo
      May 25, 09:50 Reply

      @waitingformyoyibotocomeandmarrymeoff Chai….u so mean bitch! lmao…..diaris God oooo

    • earl.
      May 25, 14:22 Reply

      When you wake up for that dream, we’ll go and do thanksgiving in church

  2. Chizzie
    May 25, 07:21 Reply

    This is too abstract for me to understand whats going on… I hope other entries are more unequivocal and less vague.

  3. KingBey
    May 25, 10:19 Reply

    @PinkPanther….can you please post another episode of the Sex and the City series? That is my sunday medicine…plss

  4. La Roche
    May 26, 16:48 Reply

    I hope so for you too…sometimes all you can do is sit tight and hope for the best

  5. papasmurf
    August 11, 08:17 Reply

    Dear James,
    I feel you on this one.. Pondering if the love lost was ever real nd gud nd true, and if it was, why do you feel so lost nd confused. And then somthn new comes, and it feels so much more than d love lost only U’re scared to take it and be happy again, wondering if you deserve it.
    Its sweet melancholy.

Leave a Reply