JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 28)

Blog_KD JournalJanuary 31

Okay… I didn’t want to put anything up this Sunday, because I didn’t have much to write. Actually I had something to write, but I wondered if it would be a bad thing if I put it up. But then I thought, what the heck… All these people know I have a boring journal about my life on a really popular gay blog, but decide to still say and do the things they say and do.

So… This isn’t to spite anyone. This is just me doing what I do, recording my life for those interested in it to read.

It was a fateful morning, not sure what day it was… I was asleep and dreaming about my cat, Chuks, when I was awakened by a knock. I was naked on my bed, so I asked who it was. There was a faint reply. I thought it must be some neighbour chick of mine who I was crushing mildly on, and so I wrapped my bedsheets around my waist and opened the door.

On my threshold was my ex, Duke.

Wonderful.

Apparently, he needed to take a shower at my place. Long story (meaning I’m not interested in talking about it). I obliged. I was still a bit sleepy and disgruntled that I had been woken up by around 7am, but I decided to be the jolly ole fellow I am and oblige him in conversation.

I’m not sure what led up to this, but then he went on to tell me how I wasn’t so handsome/fine and I was just photogenic. I don’t know if he was joking or not… I think he was serious, because when we were having that weird thing we called a relationship, he mentioned on more than one occasion how I was not someone he normally would look at twice. He even called my knees weird once and was insistent I needed to get pink lips to improve on myself. Urgh.

Next thing he said was that he only dated me to get back at his ex for hurting him and all that, and basically, he was using me. And that when I finally broke up with him, he only pretended to be devastated because he felt like.

I smiled at all that, but I wanted to throw daggers at him. How dare he? Wake me up on one of my few precious exam-free days after I’d spent almost all night revising, only to come tell me that I was basically a tool in his hands and subtly hint that I’m ugly in person! I never strut around thinking I’m the most good-looking person there is. I know I’m a plane old Jane with a lot to be left wanting physically. But to come to my home and say all he said was just…I dunno. It amused me and it angered me. However I swallowed it all. But it’s right here in my stomach and has refused to go away. Honestly I went into the whole thing with him, hoping it might go somewhere and also hoping it would help me get over John, but apparently I was just a naive tool to be playing around with.

Anyways, that’s that. At least, I know what the dynamics of the little “friendship” we have is like now. Thanks a lot, Duke.

Now, I’ve been told I’m full of myself, that I have an attitude problem, that I’m mean. Basically people who don’t know me or people who have got only this journal to go by, have decided to judge me accordingly. I sometimes wonder why I put myself out here, but whatever.

I had recently broken up with my last ex when someone on my BBM beeped me. I told him I was down and blah-blah-blah. We had only chatted once before then. And it wasn’t exactly sparks-flying-and-realising-we-are-soul-mates. It was the middle of my exams anyways, so we didn’t talk after that.

So he asked what was wrong, and I said my breakup was a part of the issue. And he was like, “Too bad, but good news for us.” I was a bit surprised by that response. He then went on to ask me to treasure him or something of that nature.

To be honest, I thought he was joking and trying to lighten up my mood, so I typed “looool”.

But it turned out he was serious, and then, I directly said no. I don’t know if I added ‘I’m sorry’ to it or not. But I simply said no. I didn’t say ‘No’ because I felt big, or because I felt like we couldn’t date or something, or that I was above him. In fact, he’s older than me and quite good looking, and if I was in a better state of mind, I might have considered it. But he was asking me to date him two weeks after I broke up with someone else, without even showing concern after I told you what was up. And he expected me to leap into his arms and “treasure” him?

No.

Just no.

Then he took it personally. I wonder why people take someone refusing their request personally and go on to show that they are taking it personally. He said some nasty stuff that day, but I no longer have the conversation. I forgot about him thereafter too. He was pissed at me for not agreeing anyways. What was the point of saying hello? And I had exams to worry about.

So the same guy recently beeped me and asked if we couldn’t even be friends on BBM. I told him that it depended on him. He after all was the one who got snippy because I gave a direct No. He said he wasn’t angry at the response, but the way I said it. That I’m full of myself. That I need to change.

So, all that sxcellent deduction from like the three times we chatted? Okay. His advice was duly noted.

Now this brings me to the question: Am I full of myself? I’d love to say no. I think people take my standing my ground as being full of myself, or not being willing to inconvenience myself for others as being mean. I will not travel to meet you if we are not dating. You may be fine as hell. You may be as tempting as well-prepared rice and dodo with a nice chilled drink on a hot Monday afternoon, but I will not go to Lagos or Ilorin or Ife or out of whatever state I am just because I want to meet you. I am not going to die on the road just because I want to go and see a guy. (This rant is on a totally unrelated issue)

And to him who says I am full of myself or I’m proud or whatever… You don’t fucking know me because if you did, you’d know I’ve got demons I’m constantly fighting. I fear I’m not good enough and will always be just a little above average, and that time is ticking and nothing useful has been done with my life. Most days, I stare at the mirror and want to throw a cloth over it because I don’t want to see that ugly thing staring back at me. I struggle to memorize words in my textbooks while almost all my classmates seem to have photogenic memories and would remember something they read while in the womb. I envy someone who I inspired to pick up the guitar and learn to play has already started doing things I could never dream of doing for a while. You’re not with me in my room at 2am when I’m wondering why life doesn’t appear to be going as planned.

So don’t judge me just because I told you a straight up No when you asked me out.

You’re probably going to delete me after this. Whatever. I don’t know if I should have written this up here or not. But whatever still. I’m going to bed.

Written by James

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55 Comments

  1. gaysinthelife
    February 01, 06:04 Reply

    “Mankind often mistakes truth for meanness. I only know truth–I wear the badge of mean with honor.” This is one of my favorite quotes. Do you, friend. Screw some sour dude who didn’t get the answer he wanted! Thanks for sharing.

  2. pete
    February 01, 06:32 Reply

    nice one,James. you seem to have been in more relationships than em em *tails off*

  3. jamie
    February 01, 06:37 Reply

    I’ve got those remarks too…the ”you’re full of yourself” shit! Apparently, if you’re not ready to get really nasty with every person you meet, then you’re prone to be tagged as such. However, I don’t see how exceptionally valuable anyone could be to me that I’d have to destroy or tamper with my ethics to please them so badly…

  4. Gad
    February 01, 07:07 Reply

    Dear James,today,s post is less of a diary and more of using this platform as an oppurtunity to lash out to a guy,s idiocy.Mid way u forgot us and was pointly directing to this particular guy who you obviously visits this blog.its okay that you posted this but I can,t stop wondering why you didnt or couldn,t confront him personally and on the spot.I bet you he will still wake you up another day with the excuse of wanting to use your kitchen or the likes all because you failed to take necessary actions

  5. Chizzie
    February 01, 07:15 Reply

    Ok, so I know its probably my cue to say something mean and malicious and this particular entry would have made that extremely easy, but I’ll say this – Can you not with the whole “ugly” thing? Because believing in that would be deceiving one’s self. Everyone has a certain level of attraction they exude and it varies from person to person. But only a small fraction of ppl are truly ugly. And I know its extremely cliché but its a person’s personality that keeps the penis at the end of the day, a fine face will only get u as far as a few shags.

    and neither are you mean or full of your self, u need to stop believing everything you think.

    I remember one time I was in a hotel room, with a guy after a shag. I was in the bathroom examining my face in d mirror, I hard gotten darker and felt extremely hideous, I thought he only shagged me out of pity, as the voices in my head suggested. This guy walked in and said I was the most handsome Nigerian he had ever met ( he’s Kenyan). I felt reassured.

    In most cases..how we see ourselves is very different from how others see us. !

  6. Khristopher B!
    February 01, 07:24 Reply

    Your ex basically said that to make you feel hurt. James you might not be perfect, but just learn to carry yourself with a certain level if self worth. What anybody thinks of your is their own cup of tea… what you think of yourself is ultimate bro.

  7. Max
    February 01, 07:45 Reply

    I get the -” you’re too proud” and “too mean” all the time. But I don’t care. I don’t lose sleep over such myopic views of me.. People often mistake “high self esteem” and “Strong will” to be pride and mean.
    I’ve never traveled more than a few kilometers to meet someone.. Never have and never will. There are people everywhere, traveling out of the state to visit someone I’m not dating in another state is a very stupid idea.

  8. Dennis Macauley
    February 01, 07:52 Reply

    James in life some days are good, some days are bad. Just take the good with the bad and you will be fine.

  9. Deola
    February 01, 07:55 Reply

    But James you have patience oh…someborry will enta my house and start dishing out insult to me like its fried rice.lmao.
    I would have logged that nigga out tey tey.

    • JArch
      February 01, 09:20 Reply

      Aswear…. James has the patient of Job in the bible…. I’ll be kicking someone out like no man’s biz

    • R.A
      February 03, 05:26 Reply

      Asin ehn! Imma tell that nigga the shower aint working den add a container of pepper in his bath water and whisper “your water is ready”

    • Pedro Mann (@D1kPedro)
      February 03, 08:58 Reply

      @Deola, or simply put him in the Recycle Bin, not just logging him out. In fact use “Shift+Delete”

  10. Justme
    February 01, 07:56 Reply

    Trust me its better to stand for wat u believe in,they might call it mean or wateva Bush who cares, z those guys dat will still come around to call u slut if u keep saying a yea to their demands…. I heard sum where dat one man meat is another man pomo…everyone z not gonna tag u handsome….ua wonderfully and handsomely made biko

  11. Lord II
    February 01, 08:22 Reply

    James james….i feel you when you said you wake up at 2am and wonder.. I used to do same but have found HIS love so I don’t med to anymore…if HE can say he loves me then who r u to say something else?

  12. KryxxX
    February 01, 08:30 Reply

    Like seriously?
    Come into my house nd spew rubbish about my looks in a condescending manner!
    *In Madea’s voice* You got something coming! I would so whoop ur sorry ass outta d door faster than u say jack!

    I might not b fine……. Hell! Am not fine nd that I know already, just keep that opinion to urself!

    As for being full of urself, u r not baby, u just have STANDARDs! Nd standards r lacked by a lot of individuals! Stick to them! I might eat shit once in a while but I definitely dont eat all kinds of shit!

    • Fitzgerald
      February 02, 06:39 Reply

      This comment here, KryxxX, just caught my attention. You, just caught my attention.

      • pinkpanthertb
        February 02, 06:55 Reply

        Fitzgerald! Have you received my query yet? Becos my office is not happy with you at all. *scowl*

      • KryssS
        February 02, 06:55 Reply

        *batting eyelashes*
        Thanks Fitz! Ur name caught my attention too….. Very ‘”telenovellaly”‘.

        • Gad
          February 02, 10:16 Reply

          Hmmmmm. Teleno… *let me check well*

      • KryxxX
        February 02, 07:01 Reply

        Bia Pinky! Dem send you? Y do u want to rain on my parade? Since DM, Gad, or Sensei no notice me or even King abi Lord, Person come notice me now nd naa under that notice u come the show ur self abi?
        Oya nna, park one side biko!
        This Akara must sell! #BadMarket

        • Gad
          February 02, 10:44 Reply

          You should be thanking God that an old weakling like me didn’t notice you. Eji ahuhu anya isi?

      • KyrxxX
        February 03, 05:47 Reply

        Ah! Gad boo…….. I love me my daddies…… Big daddies like u. Hehehehe!

  13. trystham
    February 01, 08:54 Reply

    smh 7am in d morning is not the time to hear rubbish. The point where I’d known he was lying was ‘faking the hurt from the break up’ part. I would av laughed my laughter of meanness. Its the laughterof TOTAL derison. I shall teach it to you in our next session James-san

    So u r not even fine??? Yay!!! We dey together my broda. At least ur own beta. U dey photogenic. :p

      • trystham
        February 01, 10:40 Reply

        I no dey pity ppl like una. You wee sha wantu to believe in ‘drop dead gorgeous’ until the reality of a Quasimodo re-made dawns on u. Ok o

      • MacArdry
        February 01, 17:20 Reply

        Quasi-gini,trystham?.
        Nothing wrong with your looks,sam sam.Them lips and cheekbones………………like the way you glide too.That,Quasimodo don’t do.

  14. Mitch
    February 01, 10:30 Reply

    Wow! Once again, James said every thing in my mind! It’s almost like we were made from the same block!
    ‘I
    fear I’m not good enough and will always be
    just a little above average, and that time is
    ticking and nothing useful has been done
    with my life. Most days, I stare at the mirror
    and want to throw a cloth over it because I
    don’t want to see that ugly thing staring
    back at me. I struggle to memorize words in
    my textbooks while almost all my classmates
    seem to have photogenic memories and
    would remember something they read while
    in the womb. I envy someone who I
    inspired to pick up the guitar and learn to
    play has already started doing things I could
    never dream of doing for a while. You’re not
    with me in my room at 2am when I’m
    wondering why life doesn’t appear to be
    going as planned.’
    I could mostly relate to this J, cos I feel this way everyday of my life! However, never let any Douchebag determine your mood or how you view yourself. Know this J, you’ve got a friend here.

    • Lord II
      February 01, 10:48 Reply

      Yeah Mitch those words u could just know came from a true and deep place…hats off Jamie luv!

    • Gad
      February 01, 16:24 Reply

      If James feels he is no good(ugly,brainless etc) I think he needs a friend who doesn’t feel that way.

      • Brian Collins
        February 01, 17:11 Reply

        Gbam u get am. When i hear my friends compliment my look i feel somewhat reassured.

  15. Paul
    February 01, 10:46 Reply

    We all go on n on saying don’t listen to wat pple say or hw dey act towards U believe in urself bla bla bla
    But we r d very culprits of ds
    Gay guys most especially wuld mk U ask God 4clay so u can jst augment His perfect sculpture.
    Uncle James-U keep getting wonderful with every post.
    Cheers man n enjoy d book free period.

  16. Samurai
    February 01, 13:20 Reply

    You’re really a character, James.

    But trust me, Duke doesn’t really see u as ugly.
    The thing is that maybe u are too good for him and the only way he can mentally bring himself up to your level is by putting u down.
    That’s the most likely reason he is saying those things to your face.

    If you’re really ugly, the chances are that he won’t tell you that to your face.

  17. Chuck
    February 01, 13:57 Reply

    What a surprise. A gay man with low self esteem.

    • Lord II
      February 01, 17:04 Reply

      HmMm Chuck are you saying because we are called ‘happy’ we should be the word literally and just be happy zombies without any OTHER feelings! Hian!

  18. Brian Collins
    February 01, 17:18 Reply

    I know a lot of people who take little things personal but i guess if people say you are full of yourself and stuff, maybe you can try to be a little more polite. I dont think it has ever hurt anyone. A lot of us tell people off like we are contestants in a diva-off. It can come across as being arrogant and stuff.

    • Ace
      February 01, 17:43 Reply

      I was going to say that and when I refreshed the page I saw your comment. Please, if many people are saying one thing about you then maybe you should do a reality check. You maybe going into bitch mode more often than not. Don’t always write them off as haters, they may actually mean well.

  19. pinkpanthertb
    February 01, 17:41 Reply

    I do have one guy in my life, Ace. And I’m Nigerian. Care to explain that anomaly?

    • Ace
      February 01, 17:48 Reply

      Good for you pinky. Good for you. Hopefully, You can say for a fact that he his not snagging someone else or that if some hot guy comes to you, you’ll not indulge and have a little harmless toss in the hay.

  20. Jan
    February 13, 10:23 Reply

    You are hella hot . Duke can go fuck himself. Saying no and standing my ground firmly also has guys thinking I am full of myself. Now, I figure that people are so used to conforming to others wants and desires they think it is wrong to be unwilling to conform.

    You better travel to see me love

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