March 21

Ella Henderson – Yours

I’m not a fan of putting a song on repeat. I’d rather hear something else first before going back to that song. This song however has been on repeat. It’s not a sad song, but every time I listen to it, I feel all shades of sad. It’s beautiful and simple, and I just love it very much.

This is the last week I’ll be spending in the lab where I’m doing my IT. I feel sort of sucker-punched because I hadn’t been paying attention to the time. Six weeks is just too short.

I’m not anticipating going back to school. It’d be back to lectures I couldn’t care for, my few ratchet friends I love very much, and worst of all, being alone in my room. Lol. I know I said I like being alone in my room, but I dunno anymore sha.

I didn’t get on grindr almost all weekend last weekend because I was in school. When I finally logged on, I was greeted by new messages. And I saw one from a fellow KDian, and it went along the lines of:

“You look really skinny and sickly in this picture…”

Lol. I’m pretty sure y’all have a good idea who this messenger is. I was totally amused by his observation. And I wondered why it’s hard to escape from some people’s venom. Apparently he was just giving an honest and helpful opinion. I nicely told him to shove his opinion up his fat arse.

On another note, I sometimes wish me and him could have a regular ole conversation. He tends to intrigue me sometimes. And so, I have all these questions I want to ask him. Where’s all that venom coming from? Is it some sort of defense mechanism that’s gotten out of hand, so much so, it’s triggered even by the most unlikely things like skinny twinks like me? Is it daddy issues? Is he trying so much to stand out but because he is so ordinary he tries to be an extraordinary bitch?

So many questions, but I might never get to know the answers…

Anyways, I’ve got a number of exams to re-sit. I’m quite intelligent, I know, but I’m not the smartest kid in my class, and it can be an actual struggle sometimes. I dunno, maybe it’s the teaching methods, or the way questions are supposed to be answered, or my tendency to put intense studying till last minute. But that’s the way it is. I’m not comfortable in that position and I really wish I didn’t have the re-sits, but then again, that’s the way it is. One thing, however, that my parents have taught me is that just because you’ve failed doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stand up and try again, harder than before. Of course I’ll try and do better. Just because something is one way doesn’t mean it has to be that way forever.

I’ve been avoiding going home, and I’m dreading that I have to do that next week. My mum has just told my uncle I’m gay. He called me into the room to talk to me about women and shii, and I sat awkwardly while he asked if I have or have had a girlfriend. I smelt a rat by the time he started talking about sexualities and he asked me which one I was.

I took the question quite calmly and lied that I was heterosexual while I quietly fumed that my mum had decided to tell him too. I haven’t really been doing much to prove my ‘straightness’ to her lately. I think it’s after she accused me of making up all the girls in my life that I sort of gave up. She’s on my BBM. Now, I put up pictures as I feel like and PMs as I want to. I don’t put up things that will make any things about me obvious, but I no longer worry that her seeing me with a guy on my DP will send her into fits of prayer.

I’ve asked my brother if he knows any female from his harem of girls who could at least fit into my taste for a girlfriend. It’s quite clear to him that I’m not doing it because I crave female companionship but because I need to have these people off my back for a while. She won’t be on my BBM though, this female, just whatsapp though. Lol. Maybe I should even get rid of BBM. I should just stick to Twitter or something.

I’m not sure if I’m going to end up as an MGM, but I really can’t see that happening right now. The future is however full of surprises so I’ll just sit back and watch things unfold.

I don’t like the question – “What’s your favorite genre of music”. It’s okay to ask who my favorite musicians are, but genre is too wide and limited. My favorite artists don’t sing pop. Pop songs dominate my music list. But it’s also filled with other things like rock and country and classical.

Someone asked what my favorite genre of music was, and I said pop, and he gave me a look that felt like disdain, and I wanted to fucking slap him. Just because you can understand the wheezing that is FKA twigs and I can’t be bothered with it doesn’t mean you’ve got some higher intellectual knowledge than I do. I’m pretty sure if I kept the songs on my phone (FKA’s), I’d have liked some of them, but I’ve got so much already in my phone and I really don’t have time to try to get used to anyone.

I used to dislike Nigerian music. I felt it was more like noise. I also didn’t get it. And I unfortunately thought I had some superiority or something like that. When the songs came up in radio, my lips would turn down in disdain.

I still don’t like Nigerian music. But I have to admit it’s amazing how producers repeat the same things over and over again, and we still dance to it with as much gusto as the last hit. They must be doing something right. If I hear a song often enough, I’d even start singing along or dancing to it before I remember I don’t like the song.

I’ve stopped feeling disdain for the formulaic thing called Nigerian music. Pop is also formulaic, but there’s some refinement to it, with much better lyrics and instrumentals that can be used to set moods and all of that.

But wait, isn’t all music genre formulaic? I mean, for a song to be called Rock, certain things have to be in the song, and the same goes for Pop and Reggae and even Indie.

For FKA twigs, it’s her constant wheezing, like she’s scared shitless or some really good D has made her lose her voice. Almost all her songs seem to give me this sleepy mellow feeling, like I’m peacefully drifting underwater or something. I’m sure she’s good. I just don’t see it.

I kinda also feel some people like some out-of-the-box things just to be different. They don’t want to be mainstream and go with the flow. It’s alright to be different and all that, but to the point where you make conscious efforts to be? Nah. I know a few people like that. In fact, they would get offended if you end up agreeing with them on something most people don’t agree with them on, because they think you’re infringing on their differentness.

I’ve been wondering about my writing lately. This journal thing is all well and nice, but I really should get back to actual writing, like fiction and stuff. But it’s been a while I’ve tried to develop a story and I have no idea how or where to start from. I’ve gotten too used to writing about real life and my feelings and shii, I guess I’m feeling like I won’t remember how to give life to characters anymore.

I remember when I used to write some fantasy. I used to get so emotionally attached to my characters, I could actually feel their anger and love and whatever emotions, and I’d have to remind myself it’s not real. But then, I’d go back to what I had written and it would feel so childish and immature that I’d feel ashamed to call myself a writer.

There’s a play going on at some place in Ikoyi – The Wizard Of Law. I was there today and it was quite funny. I’ll just drop the advert thingy here, in case anyone is interested. I guarantee that you’d leave smiling. I’ll be there, NOT acting, if that’s any incentive. Lol.1426937107256

Written by James

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  1. Dennis Macaulay
    March 22, 05:47 Reply

    James reading your journal is like chasing a butterfly, totally exciting and exhausting.

    About the KDian, champions of freedom of speech will soon come and tell you that he is just expressing his opinion. There are deeper issues going on with that dude, I hope he sorts them out.

    My mom on my BBM? Well that ship sailed and sunk, along with my sisters’. We just stick to phone convos which are a little less probing.

    Nigerian music is great for working out; when you are in the gym or running or playing tennis or cycling. The beats keep you pumped and motivated, other than that its bleeeh. Outside of Bez, Asa and Nneka, I don’t even bother.

    As for your writing, if you like magical realism, pick up any book by Nnedi Okoroafor and get inspired. She creates the most magical intriguing plots ever. Her books will get you inspired to start writing your realism

      • Dennis Macaulay
        March 22, 09:32 Reply

        Unfortunately I am a traditional reader, except for business school books (which has the hard copy 10 times the price of the e-copy) I dont buy ebooks, cos i rarely will read them.

        Nothing like tucking into a book at night with a bowl of chin chin beside you


      • trystham
        March 22, 10:26 Reply

        bowl of chin-chin??? I wonder where they get the idea that u av mosquito…abi is it chicken legs??? You must be as round as a ‘baff’ from all that late night snacking

      • Dennis Macaulay
        March 22, 11:03 Reply


        Trystham I am way too physically active. I am a self professed foodie, but I work out very often and that strikes a balance.

      • KryxxX
        March 22, 11:26 Reply

        Late night snacks abi? Me dont get how that thing work oh! I eat akpu by 12am most times nd am…….. Oh well! Am still me.

        As for Dennis being round, dont u get the reasons y he loves twinks? Bro escaped twinks by mistake nd wouldn’t want anybody that would submit to him to b a goliath towering him! Did I say too much? **okbye** **Flees**

  2. Peak
    March 22, 06:03 Reply

    Nigerian music is finally growing on me oooooo. I’m still not crazy about. But the production has gotten better in the last 5 years, all they need is better lyrics and seperate the noise makers from the tiny vocalist we ve around. About recycling of beats? That shit is applicable to all producers. Once they make a hit record, they will keep adding or removing elements to make it sound different. Max martin, Timberland, Harmony, Dark child and most re

    • Peak
      March 22, 06:10 Reply

      **snd most recently DJ mustard all ve recycle sounds. And the auto-tune thing, use to be hot in the late 90’s and early 2000 in the international music scene. So hope fully our artist get over the auto tune craze, get better writers and a vocal coach (I don’t see the coach part happening anytime soon)

  3. Max
    March 22, 06:14 Reply

    And having your mum in your bbm is a disaster. I simply refused to accept mine when she sent me request (got my pin from one of my siblings). I told her bbm is like my getaway place where I can be free to be who I wanna be. She took it in good faith and let it be.

    • JustJames
      March 22, 08:18 Reply

      I’m looking for subtle ways to get rid of her. Or at least she shouldn’t see my updates.

  4. trystham
    March 22, 06:36 Reply

    “For FKA twigs, it’s her constant wheezing, like
    she’s scared shitless or some really good D has
    made her lose her voice…”
    ROTFLMAO. Brutal

    Hian!!! James, u can like to be modest with the telling of ur reply to Chizzie. Oh well, I see now how he fills his days. Very…busy.

    To be frank, I couldn’t really be bothered about ‘#TeamWeDoNotLickButts’. Minus the fact that sex with them would be horribly dreary, it just makes me smh at the littleness of their thinking. Oh well *shrugs* Maybe I shud still keep a lid on it.

    • MacArdry
      March 22, 08:26 Reply

      Littleness of their thinking,really trystham?.

  5. Mercury
    March 22, 06:37 Reply

    Nice one James, at least I’m not a weirdo for not liking Nigerian music, I just hate all d ratchet lyrics. Especially Wiz kid, whenever I hear his lyrics I just wanna rip his head off. Oh yes so mums on social networks huh!!!, my mums Facebook request has been denied and deleted, thank God she hasn’t figured out BBM yet, let’s stick to calls, text and d occasional whatsapp.

    • Mercury
      March 22, 06:40 Reply

      For rock fans out here, anyone heard Let me be myself by 3 doors down.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      March 22, 06:49 Reply

      I will need you to take back that statement on whizkid, else you are going down!

      • Mercury
        March 22, 08:30 Reply

        Not a chance….that twink is a bloody airhead, and don’t get me started on em tacky lyrics, the diff alphabet factors and grammer deficiency…. Chile pls.

      • MacArdry
        March 22, 08:42 Reply

        Bloody airhead……tacky.You are being polite,Mercury

      • Dennis Macaulay
        March 22, 09:35 Reply

        I dont care about his music, i happen to like him……..a lot. Mercury take back your statement else I know where to find you this morning.

      • Mercury
        March 22, 09:58 Reply

        MacArdry dear, didn’t want to waste my vocab on some twink. @ Dennis bring it.

    • JustJames
      March 22, 08:21 Reply

      Someone wrote down the lyrics to the one about wanting a chic sleeping on his bed. It was the most random thing ever. He’s cute but he’d probably be blonde if he was white.

      • Max
        March 22, 08:36 Reply

        @Dennis, take a seat by the riverside on this whizkid Mata. Of all the Nigerian artists I dislike, he’s at the top of the list.

      • Dennis Macaulay
        March 22, 09:36 Reply

        I love whizkid for other reasons besides his music! You take a seat max ****hands you kitchen stool****

      • Mitch
        March 22, 13:49 Reply

        James oh! Jisox!!!!!!!

        Wizkid! Blonde? Jus cos he’s dumb, huh? Kontinu oh

  6. McGray
    March 22, 06:47 Reply

    Hey guys breaking new! A 72 year old man was convicted for allegedly assualting a 12 year old boy for three days in Abia State.

    • MacArdry
      March 22, 08:24 Reply

      He was not and has not been convicted,yet to be charged sef,let’s get our facts right.He was alleged to have by the Nigerian Police,an allegation he denied in interviews with journalists tho he did say the boy keep coming on to him..I’ll rather go with his word,taken with a pinch of salt of course,than trust the Nigerian Police at all.

    • Gad
      March 22, 08:30 Reply

      @ McGray,Don’t say! That’s awful. Na wao.

  7. KryxxX
    March 22, 08:21 Reply

    Grindr oh grindr………

    The good ppl of KD gave you buzz

    Ndi oma KD hyped you

    I downloaded you…

    And I can’t place a head or tail on you till date…..

    Everybody in you wants to get in someone else…

    Saw Chizzie nd fled…

    Looked for my Lord of Lords but didn’t find him

    My blog boo Dennis is nowhere to b seen in you


    Y r u mean nd dumb?

    @ least, there is a silver lining to you………

    Hi Mercury! Hi James!

  8. . Pete
    March 22, 08:27 Reply

    *brings out all my Nigerian music CDs,pours kerosene on them & burn them* I’m going with the majority here,Nigerian music ain’t cool.

    & before you guys come for me, I was joking

  9. KryxxX
    March 22, 08:37 Reply

    * Uncles sitting down to discuss sexuality with you? You r so lucky! You r blessed! With d kind of huge uncles I have nd with my mothers permission(expressly given), d gay in me would b beaten out nd I, sent to d village for serious humbling!

    * As for exams, I know this is a cliche but it is not a test of knowledge, @ least not in naija where u r expected to give back what u were taught word to word nd not how u understood it(as long as u on d same path)!

    *As for naija songs, since I dance, am gonna appreciate just d producers for producing beats I could dance to but as for d artist **smh @ them** I think most r a waste of mb nd radio time! That wizkid’s “In ur bed” song was d height! Wtf!! Although we r beginning to have artist with lyrics that matters though(shoutout to Cobhams, Bez, Asa – Is she a Nigerian artist? ) I shall continue to stick to my foreign playlist nd my latest craze for Ellie Goulding’s “Love me Like you do” is mad.

    O.A.N. My theme song for this blog is “Glory” by John Legend ft Common. From d movie “Selma”. The glory ahead of us is far greater than d pain we r now! #DONTGIVEUP

  10. Gad
    March 22, 09:03 Reply

    A number of factors can be responsible for people behaving like our bros who you encountered on grindr. An abused childhood,effects of broken homes,substance abuse,deep rooted jealousy,inferiority complex, a war within,etc. The most worrisome is the seemingly feeling that since one is gay he is already a “no good” therefore has license to misdemeanor. Some could be tamed in some ways but some are beyond redemption. For your academics,there is something that is not done well. I don’t think people just fail. It could be from you. It could also be from your examiners. My advice is that you be diligent in your studies and don’t miss lectures. Please note that one can be in class and yet he is not there.I think people should be different based on ideology and conviction and not just for the fun of it. Anything less is unfortunate but it’s not an easy road to be on especially when you are in an environment peopled by dictators and over zealous folks who system is too fragile to accommodate opposing views. They will almost lynch you. Well done James

  11. iamcoy
    March 22, 11:50 Reply

    I have loaded my gun to kill you all!!
    Why?? How can u say evil about Nigerian music? Shii gives me life joor.. I dont care about the lyrics I am a rhythm person and honestly as long as it rocks my boat we are good to go.. eg Kiss Daniel’s WOJU gives me life!
    That said I listen to all genre of music and an inspection of my playlist will reveal rap, rock, hiphop, blues, afrobeat, reggae, gospel etc… it alk depends on my mood

    As for your studies, Jamie have you done an audit? That is like trying to find out where you could have done it another way to get better results.
    Abraham Lincoln said ‘we cant do things the same way and expect a different result’.. paraphrase is mine.. Peace

  12. Teflondon
    March 22, 12:22 Reply

    A lot of things to talk about in today’s journal..
    1) Chizzie
    2) your studies
    3) your mum outing you as Gay
    4) some “thinking out of the box people”
    5) Nigerian Music

    1. Isn’t Chizzie some sort of legend on here and a Myth if you like.. I’ve noticed a certain trend. Barely any article/ rant gets posted this days where by Chizzie’s name will not be mentioned. I wish he was here to give appropriate response to your question (who knows his whereabouts by the way.. They haven’t paid Allowee yet? No?) Extra-Ordinary bitch? You definitely ain’t going to get any favorable response from him from your questions. I am sure of that.
    2) As for your studies, failure is no barrier to success. Everytime you fall.. You dust yourself, get your self back up and dust yourself.. Move on! “As you lay your bed so shall you lie on it”
    3) Your mum is not handling your whole situation well.. Telling your uncle about you is just not a reasonable way to act. It’s just sad ( because my mum also did the same thing by outing me to my Aunties oversees) thanks Goodness those ones understood. As for you uncle, you are one lucky fellow to have an uncle that’s even shy to discuss your sexuality with you and not being brutal with you the moment he heard about it. I think you should confide in him.. My instinct tell me he’s a nice fellow and will help you concerning your mum.
    4) Deciding to “think outside the box” is not wrong.. I don’t want to dwell on this issues too much.. I think I have said more than enough concerning this. Everyone is entitled to thier opnions. Remove that notion that people are trying to be cool thinking differently. Just remove it!
    5) Nigerian Music has really improved in the last few years.. (Sadly majority of those condemning Nija Music on here will be the first to boogy down when a nija song comes up in the clubs)
    I don’t like all Nigerian music but to say Nigerian music in whole is shit is just damn hypocritical.

    You need to see the way other Africans love Nija Music.. Even the whites! When we condemn our very own.. How then do we expect them to reach the levels we want them to reach.

    Judge not judgemental lot.
    As for the other issues in this journal.. I have no interest in them.

    • JustJames
      March 22, 12:35 Reply

      Lol.. I have no problems with thinking out of the box or being different. My problem is where it is a conscious effort so you can stand out not from personal convictions.. When a person sees that everyone is saying thing and just because of that decides to stand against it.

  13. Khaleesi
    March 22, 12:35 Reply

    Another awesome trip through an amazing mind. Wow, your Mum actually told your uncle? Wow is all i can say … well, I dont know what to say about this, but this is something you’re going to have to deal with all on your own.
    I looooovvvvve Naija music!! When am out of the country and i pop into a club, i just dont feel the same energy and life that i feel when am in a Naija club with Naija beats pouring through the speakers … its just not the same. Our music is one of the few things i really love about Naija, as well as one of our most prominent exports and contributions to the world.

    • JustJames
      March 22, 12:59 Reply

      I think I’ll be more comfortable in a UK club with loud techno music and dubsteb blaring from the speakers. The couple of times I I went clubbing even booze didn’t help ease the unease I felt.

  14. posh666
    March 22, 18:02 Reply

    Lol chizzie chizzie what terrible terrible thing happened to that girl that made her turnout this way?was she abused as a child?she needs urgent help from d several social platforms have cum across her she’s suicidal and higly depressed.Chizzie needs lots of hugs.For wizkids matter abeg oh leave my boo alone

    • Teflondon
      March 22, 21:08 Reply

      You this madam.. Don’t you just love to attack people… *Smh* *cheap*

      • Gad
        March 22, 23:23 Reply

        Tef dear, stop bothering yourself. The comments you see here represents the type of family one comes from and his level of knowledge and perspectives. You don’t expect someone whose whole life has been spent fighting one battle or the other in his family to come to the public and display charity. Some move above it but others remain slaves to rancorous attitudes.

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