First of all let me state that this article is not a sub, neither is it shade or an eclipse; it is merely a musing based on my experiences and conversations I have had amongst my circle of friends. I will need some patience from you because it will be a long one.

Very recently, I was at an art exhibition which was a collective for artists based in the Niger Delta area exploring environmental issues. I like art and book related events because, aside from my interest in art and books, the crowd you run into in these kinds of places are usually not high on an opium daze. Anyway so I ran into this girl (let us call her Erica); she is beautiful but not the kind of Beyoncé beauty that  hits you in the face and makes you want her to trip and fall and be less than perfect (yes I am evil like that). No, Erica is very dark skinned, with angular facial features like Grace Jones, and she was sporting a clean-shaved head just like me. We got talking and I discovered she was an abstract painter and that we had a lot of mutual interests, so we became friends instantly.

We did hang out a few times, and what I thought was going to be a real friendship turned into something else one time when she told me she wanted me. I declined and made up an excuse about being involved with someone and all.

And then she asked: “Is it because you are seeing a man?”

I tried to keep cool, as if a woman discovering I am gay is something that happens every Friday. I was still sipping my beer and looking at her intently. And she continued, “Dude, I know you like dudes. It’s not a biggie to me. I want you all the same.” Anyway, what she wanted never happened, as Mrs. M of course ensured that.

Now, hold this thought; I will come back to Erica (yes, I am a sloppy writer).

One of my very good friends got married recently; he was 32 and I was a groom’s man at the wedding. I also supported the wedding financially, I even served food at the ceremony and had to endure insults from “mogbomo branch” people who came to the wedding solely for the Jollof rice.

After the wedding, this good friend of mine began to change gradually, which was expected anyway. After all he was now married. He however became very obnoxious, silly and patronizing. His marriage had put him firmly on a very high horse from which he looked down on the rest of us in the clique as lepers who needed rescuing. I will explain what I mean.

Now this behavior is not exclusive to my friend alone, as I have noticed that a lot of the married gay men (MGM) I know begin to feel superior to other gay men once they get married. They feel finally they are married and have the validation of society which is something that eludes most of us. This is also a society that deems someone as automatically respectable and responsible just for the singular fact that they are married, so maybe I don’t blame them. So most of these MGM often descend into patronizing hypocrisy, telling the rest of us to “man up and don’t let this gay shit define you”; and all the while, they are still sucking cock and banging ass with reckless abandon.

Recently my colleague got married and I was going to attend. I was with my friends on an online store, trying to decide what to buy and wear for the wedding (there was a serious need to impress biko), when someone asked who I was attending the wedding with, seeing as Mrs. M was going out of town. This MGM friend of mine was like, “Why don’t you ask Erica?” (Back to her), to which I did not respond, seeing as I do not like to dignify stupidity.

He continued, “Why don’t you stop being a fag (yep he said that) for once and start dating that girl and infact marry her. Stop all this gay agenda nonsense, you are still an African man and you must marry and be responsible.”

My first thought was to connect his head with an empty bottle of Budweiser beer, but I have way too much class for that and I could end up in prison with big rats, so I discarded that thought. Then I thought of the number of times the MGM would stumble into my flat at 1am with some young boy whom he couldn’t go home with (of course) and I will give them my bedroom. I thought of the times I had to leave my house key with him because I was leaving town, and he would turn my flat into a sex den for Uniport boys, just because he has the assignment to help me watch my dog while I am gone.

I however calmly told him, “Listen to me very closely, because this is the last time I will be saying anything to you, if responsibility looks anything even remotely close to you, I will be irresponsible forever.” And then I left the bar.

I have made it clear to Erica that whatever she wants will not be happening simply because:

  1. I am gay
  2. I like nyash (yes I said that)
  3. I am dating Mrs M
  4. I set my own rules

In that order.

I have dated women in the past, but you see I know too much now to do something just because I am expected to do it. Charades will kill me; not coming out is difficult enough.

Now if the white picket fence (or is it pink), the Telemundo wife and 2.5 kids (make that 5.5 for Nigeria) is your journey and choice, great for you. It is not everybody’s journey. And do not denigrate people with obnoxious condescension just because they are not on the same journey with you.

Written by Dennis Macaulay