Previously on SIDE TO SIDE


As much as I hate talking about it, I have come to realise that my interactions, actions, art designs and reactions to things, however little, have been defined by the incident that happened to me five years ago.

Being a Side isn’t who I want to be, but it’s who I’m fast becoming. (I must admit, I kinda don’t like it)

On some days, I look at the floor-length mirror, at my reflection, I turn this way and that, to check out my body. It’s not defined but it is perfect. Very perfect, very lithe. During moments like this, I reminisce on things I have done sexually. Wild, jaw-dropping experiences. From having sex in a car, parked on a service lane on Third Mainland Bridge around 11 pm to BDSM (Yes, that wild and extreme!)

I do not know when I began to realise sex had become a chore for me. I don’t know when I began detesting being ploughed. I don’t know when I started holding a dislike for some men that were interested in me sexually. I only know I’d come to gradually loathe anal sex after my body was invaded and ravaged by those sick men.

I spoke to my mom about these things and she said what most mothers would tell someone they mothered: “You will be fine.”


I can’t blame her though. She’s a straight woman who is still learning everyday what it means to have a gay son. She can only say the things she knows would soothe and calm my waves.

Bayo wasn’t sure if he’d want to be involved with someone who is not so sure what spectrum he belongs to.

“Wow. People like you really exist?” he said to me.

I didn’t know how to react to that. I was angry but my rational self took over almost immediately. I realized his voiced-out thought was contextual, so I didn’t take it to heart.  Meeting a potential Side was new to him. He did say he’d be around to help me understand myself and my body. If I allow him, he could help me rediscover my sense of adventure.

What I did not tell him was that I wasn’t sure I wanted to rediscover anything. Which I know is unhealthy and toxic to my wellbeing.

I think of Bayo and I don’t think I want to put him through that “stress” of waiting. I have made the decision for him. The decision to keep him out.

Will it hurt me? Yes. I mean, I’ve finally met someone who would appreciate me. Someone who’d carried a torch for me for years. Someone who was bold enough to ask me to be his man after all this time.

I recently made plans to start therapy. Maybe, if I start getting better, I’ll scrap the decision I made for him. That is if he’s still very much around to still want me.

There are other recent factors that influenced this new embodiment. Aside loathing anal sex, I have come to have a distaste for men. I don’t trust them. I have tried, believe me, I have. But I can’t seem to help it.

When your shards have been ground to smithereens and you cannot fathom why people do despicable things, maybe then you’ll understand my hesitation and you’d even pause on all things men and sexual.

I’ll get the help I know I need. If I still love being identified as a Side after therapy, then I can’t wait to see where the journey takes me.

My questions still stand though.

Do I need to experiment more before accepting my label as a Side?

Are Sides valid?

Does being a Side make any sense to people who aren’t?

Is the sexual life of a Side fun and fulfilling?

How long before the partner (who isn’t a Side) steps out on him?


Written by Vhar

Previous “The Shit You Have To Unlearn As A Nigerian Is A Lot.” – Elnathan John

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  1. Mitch
    March 14, 08:49 Reply

    This is surreal.
    All I can say to you, Vhar, is: hold on to you. Hold on to who you know you are. And take the changes as they come.

    The very funny thing about being human is that we can change about as quickly as the weather. So, if you’ve changed from a active bottom to a side, take it in stride. It might be a phase, it might not. But, it is up to you to decide if becomes a weight that drags you down or just another part of the myriad parts that make up Vhar.

    Like your mother says, you’d be fine.
    Just keep telling yourself this.
    You’d be fine.

    I’m rooting for you, Vhar.

  2. kalid
    March 14, 09:26 Reply

    Wow! Honestly I used to think I was alone in this. Lol. I think being a side is whom I am and more pleasurable to me because trust me I’ve done the T/B and it just doesn’t work for me. So Vhar trust me u’re valid. Just do what your body feels comfortable with and finds pleasure in. And like momma… You’ll be just fine?

    • Tomi
      March 14, 10:59 Reply

      Oh its not only you or potentially him. We are here and they must accept it and btw we deserve to be loved like any one else!

  3. Omiete
    March 14, 09:47 Reply

    Oh vhar I honestly think you should take some time away from men till at least your therapy so you can heal properly. Being a side is brave as you will face lots of disappointments and rejection which you might not recover from if you haven’t healed properly. I hate to sound like a parent but you will be okay just learn to pause and breathe

    • Tomi
      March 14, 11:01 Reply

      And how did you come to this conclusion? It is definitely not as bad as you put it, come on…and I write this from experience.

      • Omiete
        March 14, 21:59 Reply

        So do I hello!!! I don’t flirt with guys again because once they here I am a side their hard sick literally goes down. A guy almost raped me when I refused to go all the way, same guy kept on telling me verbiage about how am scared and selfish. So yeah I know what I am saying

        • Tomi
          March 15, 07:59 Reply

          I understand but given that even those who ain’t “sides” like us can also potentially be raped because they simply may not fancy sex with the rapist, I still don’t feel we should make much of a big deal of it. Anyone can be rejected for many reasons too, it’s all about finding the ones that deserve to love us, let’s not make this “side” thing seem like some sort of impediment; that’s just my point

  4. Jay
    March 14, 10:25 Reply

    This is a sincere story that breeds learning. It’s so good you are sharing this.

    I see a strong man in you and as much as there will be rejections and disappointments don’t compromise until you are sure to be back to that pedestal. Whatever is the outcome of therapy, your man won’t elude you. I believe you will survive.

    • Tomi
      March 14, 11:06 Reply

      Why do you people keep writing about “disappointments” and “rejections” as if even if you’re a top or bottom, it gives you the right not to be “disappointed” and “rejected” as well from time to time?

  5. Babe
    March 14, 10:28 Reply

    Your stance as a side is valid, but I think emotions would strenghten or break your resolve. I was lucky to not ‘experinment’ that much before I realized that sex without emotions for me is dry and disingenous so I don’t bother with it anymore. Just saying, maybe that’s what you’re missing.

  6. Higwe
    March 14, 11:59 Reply

    Completely understand why you’ve chosen to take this ” side ”

    Sex is very much psychological as it’s physical…. and if you have a disconnect with what you were previously into, it becomes more of a task ( sometimes with minimal pleasure) ;than a satisfactory experience.

    I’d recommend :
    You research about SIDES —–Explore rapaciously : their lifestyles, dating regime, its pros and cons etc

    This time around, instead of your mother (we all love our mothers) talk to other SIDES.
    Develop a good friendship rapport with them.
    Get them to open up to you : their struggles, its expletive complexities, and how they’ve successfully managed it.

    That being said, you’re not a natural side, so you could always revert to penetrative sex…. ” your growing disdain for men ” played a key role in this your decision or maybe you’ve always been a SIDE innately…

    If the former is the case ,I’d recommend :
    Stay out of relationships for a while.

    Practice self love often….

    Learn a new skill or get an adventurous hobby, that challenges you to explore ( dancing, cooking, dress making, building muscles etc)

    Stay away from casual flings..

    This is just to clear your head and expand your thoughts *

    Get back to the dating pool, but this time- be forthcoming …..make it limpid, what you’re looking for in a man/ r/ship .

    It may take a long ass while, but trust me whatever you’re looking for will be yours with the right attitude and patience.

    May the odds always be in your favor, as you delve into the tyro stage of this sexual practice.
    Peace ?.

  7. Dreamdave
    March 14, 18:51 Reply

    Like seriously guys, I don’t know ….. First u have to struggle with Ur sexuality….. Being gay or bi or straight and u finally accepted that u are gay. Good….. Thinking the journey is over, u begin the struggle of being top or bottom or verse. As if that is not enough, u have added the struggle of being side or not side. I think u just like the attention in some melancholy kind of way. Vhar, How old are now… Mid thirties? U want to spend the whole of Ur life trying to conform Ur self to a particular stereotype.

    Let’s forget about labels n begin to leave our lives to the fullest, now u have passed the chance of exploring what could have been btw u and a very good fuck mate.

    For your mind, u wan go do therapy first then u will come back n expect Bayo to be waiting for your old ass, when younger finer Boys are turning into handsome sexy men. Don’t pass the opportunity u have at Ur door step.

    Hope Am not too blurnt Vhar, but am just saying Bayo is standing infront of you, he is here n he wants something real with u

    • Wonda Buoy
      March 14, 22:42 Reply

      You’re not blunt. But I’m checking to be sure you’re not dumb.

    • Mitch
      March 14, 23:11 Reply

      I must say, I’m very impressed, DreamDave.
      I’ve never been this gobsmacked in my life.

      Please, do tell me, who’s the manufacturer of your brand of stupid?
      I need to know. If not for anything, to congratulate them on creating quite a spectacular product.

  8. Julian_woodhouse
    March 15, 10:03 Reply

    *cue barbie tingz intro* dumb dumb dumb. dum dum dum dum dumb dumb dumb dumb dum dum. dum dum dummmmbbbb

  9. Yoruichi
    March 15, 16:51 Reply

    I relate with the distaste for men
    I don’t trust anyone

  10. Michelle
    March 22, 17:55 Reply

    The comments some people make though! DreamDave, I must confess, you’re just epic!

  11. Jorges
    May 27, 19:38 Reply

    Pray, what’s the meaning of”side”???

    • Pink Panther
      May 28, 06:40 Reply

      The sexual role where the person will do everything but penetrative sex.

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