I recently read two of Chinelo Okparanta’s novels, Under the Udala Tree and Happiness Like Water, and I was blown away, particularly with the way she explored lesbianism and lifted the veil on religion. So I was sitting with a few people before a book reading event was scheduled to commence and we were chatting about books. Ms. Okparanta’s work came up and we started discussing it, and before long, the conversation became about homosexual relationships.

One girl said, “I really don’t understand lesbians. They are the silliest people ever! Like what do they even do? What they have – is it sex? Let me hear word please.”

This took me aback, because I’d often thought that in Nigeria, lesbians get somewhat of a free pass or, should I say, easy pass because many heterosexual Nigerian men appreciate the intimacy between women.

I was trying to make sense of what she was saying as she continued, “At least, I can understand the men. As much as I find it distasteful, they are able to have penetration. Lesbians are just being stupid, and what they have is not sex. Period! I was neither entertained nor amused by that novel.”

At first, I didn’t want to say anything; recently people have accused me of being a bully, they say I bully and intimidate people who don’t agree with me and that I like to shove my opinions down other people’s throats. I do know about the thing I like shoving into tight places, and it’s certainly not opinions, but I realize that people want to remain stupid and Sensei does say that stupid people are entitled to their stupidity.

However on this particular occasion, I couldn’t keep quiet.

I asked her if she was implying that sex is not sex until there is penetration. She said yes. It was amusing to me, because I also hear gay men say this; they’d make out with someone without penetration and insist they haven’t shagged the said person. I told her that she should assume she was married, and her husband got in bed with a curvy girl with big brezz and did everything with her outside of penetrating her, would she consider him to have cheated on her?

She looked at me, smiled and said okay fine, that I was right, but she still had reservations about same-sex relationships. After all they cannot procreate, and therefore aren’t valid. I laughed at this and reminded her that she was implying that couples who were infertile were in invalid marriages, and this would be the yardstick to judge women who have reached menopause, since the ability to procreate is the basis of validity.

So I asked the group to give me one non-religious argument against homosexuality and all I got was crickets. I laughed a Victoria Grayson victory laugh and the book reading finally started.

*

I want to ask a question. Can you be in an exclusive relationship with someone, love them and still cheat on them continuously? My friend is in a relationship with a boy he appears to love so much; he could literally move mountains for this boy, yet he cheats on him on the regular with different random boys, without of course the knowledge of his boyfriend.

As much as I like minding my business, I eventually brought it up with him over cold bottles of Heineken. He told me that there is a difference between love and sex and that they can be two parallel lines. He said you can love someone very much and still want to have sex with other people; that it doesn’t affect how you feel about the person you love. I am a bit traditional about certain things, so of course I disagreed with him, saying that if you love someone, you will protect them and you will not hurt their feelings. He agreed with me and said this was precisely why he keeps his indiscretions away from his boyfriend and that he protects him by not letting him know what is going on, which further proves that he loves him.

I asked him how he would feel if he found out that his boyfriend was doing the same, and he said that as long as he is not in the know, then it is fine. This was very startling to me, because I assume that if the relationship is agreed upon to be exclusive, then cheating is cheating. I mean, there is a reason why it is called cheating, which has a negative connotation to it. I also hear this POV from a lot of straight men who keep one special girlfriend but go around town, whoring their dicks out.

I used to say that cheating is a deal breaker. I have left people because they cheated once. However I find that as I am getting older, my views are changing on some things (the flip-flop police should stand back first and let me finish). I think sometimes people can make mistakes and make a bad judgment call which can be forgiven, if you ask me. It is the cheating that is measured, consistent and deliberate that I have a problem with.

So anyway, over to you guys: CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE AND STILL CHEAT ON THEM?

*

One beautiful evening, I headed out of the house for some fresh air. Le boo had visited for the weekend and was riding shotgun. We drove out into the road, heading towards the main road, when I saw this guy walking ahead. His behind was humongous, like OMG! I wanted to know who he was; surely he was new to the estate because I definitely would have noticed a butt as big as that.

I wanted to have a better look, you know, see the face of the guy with the gorgeous roundness, but Le boo was in the car right next to me. I looked at him and he seemed preoccupied with his phone. So I figured I was safe. As we drove past the guy, I did an odu-anya at the side mirror to see the face of the passerby. And right then, I heard “I saw you” from the same Le Boo who was supposedly focused on his phone lol. Since I had been busted, I kuku faced front and continued driving in shame lol.

See you guys next week.

XOXO

DM

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