THE DIARY OF A NIGERIAN FUCKBOY (Entry 5)

THE DIARY OF A NIGERIAN FUCKBOY (Entry 5)

Dear Diary

This past couple of weeks has been very horrible. Just horrible.

When a message popped up on my Grindr app asking users to hit the message to know how they could help Orlando, I didn’t think much of it till I came back from church and turned on the TV.

I braced myself.

First were the remarks made by my mother, who just came in from church: “Ndi ala, let them be killing themselves.”

I shot her the meanest look I could muster and started to say something. But my dad beat me to it: “That is not the point. About 50 people died.”

This caused her to retrace her steps a little. “I know, but what were they doing at a gay club in the first place?”

I wasn’t going to deal with this nonsense, and so I pulled on my headphones, stayed away from every social media platform and listened to music for the rest of the day.

Monday came and it was work. As expected, an openly bisexual female colleague didn’t come in and the internet was having a field day. There were the comments from Nigerians and other homophobic folks exalting the shooting; one said he would have given the shooter a firm handshake, and another, supposedly a pastor, said Omar Mateen didn’t kill enough. I was raging in my head. To cope, I took on more assignments and projects at work just to keep myself busy and drown the pain weighing down my mind.

I tried so hard to stay away from the news but it was immensely difficult, especially with my parents around. My mum was having a field day and really showing how deeply homophobic she is, an attitude I expected more from my dad. One notable comment was on the issue of the refusal to let gay men donate blood. She remarked, “Let them not allow them oh! Don’t they know life is in the blood? They may transfer their gay spirit to people that are not gay.” And when pictures of crying parents, friends and family that lost their kids started to come in slides on the TV screen, she said, “You people sef, carry your burden for supporting them.”

It was constant hate, even at work. When the bisexual colleague returned with a massive colorful tattoo on her shin to remember the victims, two male colleagues waited till she was out of earshot and one started, “I should go get my ‘straight tattoo’ since these folks always want to put all this in our faces.” And the other replied, “Yeah! Why do they always try to force their ideologies in our faces! It really annoys me.” Then the first proposed a “straight pride”, since gay people are allowed to have theirs.

Upon hearing this, I cut in. “And for what cause? What would be the essence of a straight parade?” I got no reply.

Instead, the buffoon carried on with, “I should create the straight flag, like the gay flag, but with the stripes facing upwards.” This got the other fellow laughing, his hilarity ending with him saying they should end the discussion because they didn’t know who was listening and could report them. The other guy tried to act like he didn’t care, but he heeded his friend’s advice and stopped with his homophobic caper.

As I observed them, I wished I spoke out more, but I try to stay out of any discussion in the workplace that relates to religion, ideologies or sexuality. If someone gets offended, it could be out of the door with you. I also wished the bisexual colleague heard them; they really would have lost their job. She has been known to speak out when ignorance or hate is exposed around her. I will speak more about her soon, Diary. You will like her, and I am sure Max will too.

This sad event revealed how far this fight for the recognition of the LGBT is from being won. There is still so much left to do, and now, I know to put 911 on speed dial for the day I will come out, you know, for that moment when my mum will pass out from the shock.

***

While I was making this entry, Dear Diary, my phone buzzed with a message on Facebook. It was Ikenna (not real name), who had just returned from the UK to Nigeria.

Abeg, give me your BBM pin, was the message.

I replied with the pin and proceeded to accept his request. We briefly exchanged pleasantries and then, he typed: Nigeria is seriously fucked up! I just recently renewed my visa. I can’t wait to leave.

My initial thought was that his grievance was spurred from the current economic situation. It wasn’t so. It in fact stemmed from a hookup gone wrong. Apparently, he’d hooked up with a guy, and after the fun, he gave the guy N2000 out of goodwill and for transport. Following this, all hell broke loose! “Wetin be this?” the guy screamed at him. He didn’t stop screaming, threatening to carry on until his family comes in to investigate if Ikenna doesn’t produce N10, 000. Ikenna was so startled by the guy’s loud antagonism, and proceeded to give him part of the money he’d intended to renew his visa with.

He went on to say that unlike the UK, where hooking up was for fun, in Nigeria, it was a business venture. “I will never forget this,” he said. He was determined to somehow make the fool pay.

At that point, I concluded within me that I may not hook up with anyone if I come back home. Even if I want to, it would be with someone I’d hooked up with before I left. I made this decision known to a couple of friends and one said, “You don dey form now.” Another said, “Hmmm, you don dey see Naija guys as dirty, shey?”

It is simply none of these reasons. I’m just more invested in my self-preservation.

Ikenna’s narrative also made me remember situations when a gay guy dies in Nigeria and his Facebook wall becomes Tea-ville; you know, the place where endless tea is spilled on the life of the deceased: how he sold market from Lagos to Abuja, and forcefully demanded money, or fucked with an Alhaji, and how his sickness and death was as a ‘repercussion’ of a market transaction gone wrong.

Like seriously, Diary, WTF!

Written by Duke

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36 Comments

  1. DI-NAVY
    June 22, 09:35 Reply

    Gross! That’s Nigerians for you. The economic hardship has turned many into Man-nimals.

  2. Mandy
    June 22, 09:35 Reply

    Tbh Duke, no offense meant o, but I like your mother less and less with each entry. And I find it so ironic that for someone so homophobic, she in turn has a son so gay. Karma no dey carry last for this kind things.

    • Delle
      June 22, 11:32 Reply

      Lol Mandy, many of them are that way. More or less like a cloak to cover up the impending agony they’d face when theirs finally come out or a warning never to come out to them.
      Coman see my mum insulting, abusing, cussing at one effeminate guy on TV two days back and I was in the same parlour with her o, filing my nails!
      Choi, I no fit shout abeg, I get boil for throat.

    • Duke
      June 22, 20:05 Reply

      No Offense taken. I Understand where your “Hate” for someone you have never met stems from. But as expected, someone who comes form a homophobic country and is constantly fed with it by religion, nothing less is expected.

      I pray my coming out will educate her and in turn educate you that perceptions can be changed.

  3. Dennis Macaulay
    June 22, 09:47 Reply

    Quite a lot of people including gay men have asked why we have pride and all plus coming out etc. To be honest, most days I stay away from such conversations because i don’t have power.

    However one day I told my friend who was straight to be grateful that he doesn’t need to march in a parade to press home his need for acceptance and equality, because it would mean that Martin Luther, Rosa Parks, Dorothy Heights and the leaders of the NAACP are all stupid for the rallies they organaised and continue to organaise.

    I would enter a sermon about justice and equality, but now let me enjoy my cardamon coffee

  4. ambivalentone
    June 22, 10:19 Reply

    You don’t celebrate something ‘regular’. That’s why birthdays are birthdays. Looked forward to and remembered when they do happen. ‘Straightness’ is so mainstream and boring.
    I wonder if d homophobic colleagues were black or white. Truth is I still can never wrap my head around the fact that there cud be white homophobes. They just seem too progressive for such backward thinking. Can’t wait to hear about ur bi colleague. Una pastor no talk anything?
    As per ur friend, I sympathize but not too particularly. He musta being lulled into d comfort of thinking Nigeria is the UK and let his guard down. Ndo. Its not like there aren’t gay-for-pay blackmailers back there anyways. He shud chill.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      June 22, 10:26 Reply

      Hmmmmm my brother white homophobes are just as vicious oo! The kind of gay bashings that I see on the internet eh! My Ikwerre boys have nothing on them

    • Duke
      June 22, 20:30 Reply

      On the race of men making the comments, they are black. That is not to say whites are not as equally homophobic, but i get your point.

  5. Too clean
    June 22, 10:27 Reply

    Hahaha hahaha hahaha Duke…must you bring our conversations out in all your entries ooo

    You know I can sue for this,right?

    Anyway,nice one…i always looked forward to your entries because I believe you deliver well….

    Ehn…how about that stuff we all agreed you would write?

    • Chandler B.
      June 22, 12:54 Reply

      *deep sigh*
      We know, Too-clean. We know you know Duke. We know guy are best friends and you chat regularly. Anytime he mentions ‘a friend’ in one of his write-ups we would think of you. Don’t fret. You are always remembered. No need for the constant not-so-subtle reminders every time he makes an entry in his diary.

      • Delle
        June 22, 13:17 Reply

        Hihihihhi! I was gon’ say that. I. Just. Was. Going. To. Say. That, Chandler!

  6. Orlando
    June 22, 10:36 Reply

    lol… i know ikenna. infact,a friend did the hookup. i think he’s back in the UK now yea? that’s if he’s the one i know,cos this exact thing happened to him.

  7. Orlando
    June 22, 10:43 Reply

    …About the tea-ville, a friend died early this year, and they started it,even his boyfriend was asking me if me and this late friend ate anything together,and I’m like dude,you f**ked him raw everytime,including other guys,so who among me and you should really be scared if the rumours are actually true? really sad!

  8. shawn
    June 22, 10:52 Reply

    “straight tattoo”, “straight flag”.. lol…
    only in naija dat hookups is business..

  9. geeluv
    June 22, 11:19 Reply

    Duke… I really look forward to your coming out. #makeyourmamarest#

    • Duke
      June 22, 20:39 Reply

      I don’t look forward to it. i imagine it being a case of the truth they earnestly tried to deny.

  10. Delle
    June 22, 11:28 Reply

    Oh your mum. You know, mothers like her who seem very homophobic are the quickest to adjust when one of her own comes out. To me, there’s nothing more ignorance-fuelled like saying ‘gay spirit’. Those words irk me to the heavens and back.
    I really do wish the bisexual girl had heard them.
    To think they’re even being discreet in their antagonism…such shamelessness. Mtcheew!

    Ah yes, Nigeria. Lol. The country seems to be getting worse by the day and the number of guys that engage in ‘gay for pay’ seems to be on the rise (you know, no job and all). They’d tell you after all, they’d still get married to a woman so why be in a romantic relationship. Sigh.
    I’m tired of this forsaken country. Sometimes I feel deeply within me that most problems in this country stem from the high rate of ignorance, hate, corruption and homophobia.
    The latest being that the muslims, after the Orlando incident, are planning to eradicate gay men in Nigeria too. More like a co-joined effort by all Muslims especially knowing that our president is one of them. God help us.
    God really should help us.

    • Orlando
      June 22, 11:55 Reply

      Muslims? eradicate gay men? for wia? if you know the amount of closeted gay Muslims you go shock, its not even hidden in the north,forget all the talk,na to cover face.

      • Delle
        June 22, 13:15 Reply

        My dear o, the tin shock me. Like, no femme guy is to be found walking in a suggestive manner on the way lest be apprehended. I just pray its all false though. I really do hope its false. The Kenyan news isn’t helping in that regard sef.

    • Arabian Princess
      June 22, 12:27 Reply

      Come and see Generalization ooo…if you had stopped at the point where you we’re tired of this god forsaken country, you would have appeared smart and people would have clapped…but your following statement is a resounding fact that attests to your ignorance… you are no better than the Asaba market women who blame the even the hotness of the sun on Buhari while selling Milo that they bought for 28naira per unit at 50naira…
      A conjoined effort by Muslims kwa?
      hian….wonders shall never end

      • Delle
        June 22, 13:13 Reply

        Hahahahahahaaha! Okay, this comment is so hilarical! Sorry, are you venting and pouring hot lava bcos it’s the muslims involved? Just so you know, it’s news. Rumour. Something that just started trending recently and not a piece of info I sat in the comfort of my bedroom to forge.
        And all those details on demand and supply, what’s it all about? You seriously talk of ignorance when you’re the one jumping on my smooth behind for no apparent reason than the obvious lack of rationality? Listen, you really need to learn to channel your unwanted negativity and off-putting persona to some other lane. Seeing as I’m in a good mood and want to give you the benefit of doubt that you feel slighted cos your religion is involved, I’d let this slide.
        Don’t come for me, princess. Just don’t. XO.

        • Arabian Princess
          June 22, 14:00 Reply

          because its the Muslims involved? hunnay, I ain’t even a Muslim #teamirreligious
          Last I heard, it was an Igbo Christian who threatened to massacre gay people in Nigeria (see Revd Jide Macaulay’s wall)
          about the demand and supply, I’m just trying to educate you on the need to take responsibility for our actions and stop blaming others.

          The only reason I’m jumping on your back is your erroneous statement…since you say its “recent” news, point the source and let us all be enlightened…seeing as you are the positive, pleasant and likeable one.

          • Delle
            June 22, 14:25 Reply

            Ah! Rumour hun, rumour garnering some bit of weight. It’s nt so rampant yet and I’m fervently praying it shouldn’t be.
            It’s muslims I heard about though. And it’s a friend that told me, not some wall on social media.

        • Law
          June 22, 14:36 Reply

          But delle wat u said is wat an illiterate will take seriously… Why talk about a mere rumour and u av to drag the President into it just because his muslim…. Like really. U guys fuel hate wen there is no hate ….. Then make the non existing fad a fact. Smh

          • Delle
            June 22, 16:28 Reply

            Hian! Oya sorry o, I’m on a warning spree. Dazzal. *flees*

    • Francis
      June 22, 15:44 Reply

      Where be the source of these your rumors oh? Be careful what you share biko.

  11. pete
    June 22, 14:46 Reply

    Guess people need a crash course on the origin of the pride march

  12. Francis
    June 22, 15:41 Reply

    @Duke may the force be with you oh ’cause i sincerely don’t know how I’d react if mumsy pulls this kain stunts. It would most likely not end well for one of us ??

  13. Truth
    June 22, 19:01 Reply

    OK, I know this is a serious post, but that “selling market from Lagos to Abuja” part got me ???

  14. bain
    June 22, 22:20 Reply

    Uhm,so if a guy wanted to have sex with me,he would av to pay ? (Vice versa)…..what trash talk is dah!,well anyways…..about d whole massacreing of gay people in NIGERIA,its nt possible cuz we av rights to life,n no one can tell who is really gay,if I don’t tell u how would u know? Riii?,n the pastor or idiot dah brought up dah idea is fucking GAY ,yea I said it (flips hair).

    • Delle
      June 22, 22:56 Reply

      Hunnay, not when they short-sightedly tag all femme guys gay in this country. In their own shallow minds, they do know the gay fellas.

  15. Chizzie
    June 22, 23:46 Reply

    Why am I just reading this oo. Really enjoyed this. I think this journal should be aptly called “the diary of a gay immigrant”? Because you aren’t a fuck boy. You are too smart and well behaved for that. ????.

    I love u Duke. *crying*

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